Super coach Mike “Snips” Parsons slams World Surf League brand director over revisionist Filipe Toledo at Teahupoo history: “It was eight foot, pumping, there were some really good waves coming to him and he opted not to take off on them.”

"To be the world champion, you have to perform in all the venues."

“I am of the opinion that it is really unfair to kind of label Filipe as someone who is, uh, not an elite level surfer in critical waves,” the World Surf League’s brand director Dave Prodan says, straight faced, at the 59:45 minute mark of his latest podcast, continuing, “I think he’s had a little bit of bad luck. I do think, sometimes, that psychology gets to people where he has this nightmare opening round heat, he doesn’t really get any waves, he knows what everyone is saying about him etc. etc. and you have to think that plays on his mind… and I want to get your take on Filipe having to distance himself from, kind of, not the ideal Tahiti performance he wanted and prepare for the Final’s Day and that can’t be an easy thing to do.”

On the opposite side of the screen sat Mike “Snips” Parsons, notable big wave gun and super coach who had just so happened to be in Teahupoo for Toledo’s brave act of cowardice, wherein the current world number one did not catch a real wave while Kelly Slater and Nathan Hedge, both elderly, traded absolute bombs underneath his priority, witnessing it live from the channel.

Watching Toledo bob out the back, lonely.

The passive tone of Prodan’s “he doesn’t really get any waves” must have gotten to Snips as he launched into a not-at-all subtle asterisks painting of Toledo’s possible future championship.

“I think it’s probably really hard on him. I was there, watching all the warm-ups… so watching that all go down, I really expected Filipe to just kind of go Rambo mode and just show everyone ‘hey I’m gonna charge no matter what, I’m gonna give it a solid dig’ and I was (here Snips pauses for emphasis) bummed that he didn’t do that in his first round heat. It was eight foot, pumping, there were some really good waves coming to him and he opted not to take off on them. And I was just like, ‘Filipe have a dig, you’re so talented and so good in these waves’ and he just decided ‘no I’m not going to do it.’ Maybe he was thinking ‘I’m gonna save myself for Lowers… it looked like Filipe just wasn’t interested in Tahiti, even in the warm-ups I didn’t see him free surfing, maybe he was, but it felt to me he kind of went ‘you know what, I’m going to focus on winning Lowers this year and I’m just gonna let it happen here in Tahiti. Whatever happens, happens.’ I think that may play into his performance at Lowers, as much as he will try to block it out, and he should. As incredible as he is at Lowers, I feel there will be a lot of pressure on him this year at Lowers and a lot of people chatting about what we just brought up, about his performance at places like Pipeline and Teahupoo and if you look at past world champions, you look at John John and Gabriel and Kelly Slater, they are all incredible surfers at Teahupoo and Pipeline… to be the world champion, you have to perform in all the venues.”

The Final’s Day curtain may just rise tomorrow.


Zuck to unleash war on Freeman!

Leading “surf influencer” challenges Mark Zuckerberg to high-stakes cage fight following cancellation of much-loved Instagram account, “Two Years Ago I was privileged enough to teach @zuck how to surf…not gonna lie…the cat was one of the worst I have ever coached!”

"I'm a very lonely man but I will unleash the war!"

A couple of months ago, the much-loved (two million-ish followers) Instagram account @kookoftheday,  was clipped after repeated copyright breaches, following another adored account @beachgrit down the virtual drainage pipe. 

Now, after recent footage of Zuckerberg’s pivot away from surf and to combat sports was revealed, Kook of the Day’s leading man Johnathan Wayne Freeman has challenged Zuck to a cage fight. 

Freeman writes, 

“Two Years Ago I was Privileged enough to Teach @zuck how to surf at the World Famous Doheny…not gonna lie…the cat was one ☝️ of the worst I have ever coached . He requested a @gathsports Helmet after his first wipeout and a Band Aid for a small boo boo he received on his elbow from a fin cut. My Favorite part of the Lesson however was when I spoon fed him with a shovel on The Art of the Towel Change. I hate to call him out on this but since @kookoftheday has been gone and we have to use our backup account @kookofthedayog the Gloves have come off. We could of had something Beautiful @zuck . I eagerly await your response about our MMA Fight. If I win @kookoftheday goes back up. If I lose…my Family disowns me and I am mocked for generations to come. We can do it at @rvca HQ or Kauai now that my ban has been lifted for daring to poke fun at the Greatest Singer/Surfer/Songwriter/Designer Power Couple of our Time @thebarn808 #letsgozuckerberg #itwillbefun #playalong #thepublicwillembraceyouifyoudothis”

The smart money is on Zuck.

He is younger, trained in the art of strangulation and striking by a UFC debutante and some twenty years younger than the late middle-aged Freeman who carries a distinctly bourgeois body.

World Surf League CEO Erik Logan goes “full Brazilian” ahead of Final’s Day with wildly flamboyant claim: “We have not even had the biggest day in pro surfing yet and we’ve already eclipsed some of the most amazing milestones we’ve seen in the history of the sport!”

Set to inspirational music.

“We have not even had the biggest day in pro surfing yet and we’ve already eclipsed some of the most amazing milestones we’ve seen in the history of the sport. Already this has been the most consumed live digital audience in the history of professional surfing before this day has ever happened. We’re up 13.4%, precisely, we like precise numbers. We’re ahead of that before the biggest day in professional surfing.

The momentum of the Championship Tour, the World Surf League and professional surfing is real.”

-World Surf League CEO Erik Logan.

(Mic drop)

Owen Wright (pictured) headless but happy.
Owen Wright (pictured) headless but happy.

Hurricane Kay to possibly destroy wave quality during World Surf League Final’s Day, according to official forecast partner, leaving surfers decapitated by “mid-season cut” to wonder if karma is real!

Putting the K in Karma.

The World Surf League’s much-ballyhooed Final’s Day is but hours away and, thus, Surfline, the official forecast partner, has released its calculation.

Usually cocksure in predicting never-before-seen, historically-significant, twenty-foot-plus swells with other ideal conditions ahead of each tour stop, Surfline has gone noticeably tepid in front of Trestles, declaring, “Hurricane Kay a major wildcard for waves, wind and weather Thursday – Sunday,” adding “uncertainty exists on exact details for wind speed and direction” even though Thursday and Friday will see “7 foot sets.”

The prognosis only extends through September 12 with the waiting period lasting all the way to the 16th and so all is not lost but surfers decapitated by the controversial “mid-season cut,” rolled out for the first time this year, must be wondering if “Kay” actually stands for “Karma.”

The pop interpretation of the Hindu belief posits that future beneficial effects are drawn from past beneficial actions but most vindictive westerners really enjoy the darker side of nasty effects drawn from nasty actions.

Walk an old lady across a street, win the lottery, sure, but deprive professional surfers of their livelihood, cop a hurricane, better.

What are your thoughts on eastern religious philosophy, in general, and how it pertains to the World Surf League, specifically?

Discuss at length.

Intrepid reporter paddles into lineups and carefully documents important conversations happening around her: “Malibu is one of the most dangerous surf spots — it’s Peahi, Pipeline and then Malibu.”


For me, and my money, the best lineup is a relatively quiet one. I do not paddle out to jibber jabber or small talk. Sure, if some bit of conversation naturally blooms so be it, but I attempt to keep it all within close proximity and not widely share nonsense where it doesn’t otherwise belong.

I don’t generally get upset at others who chatter… unless they are upper-middle aged gentlemen riding longer boards talking about years’ ago trips to Mexico, college aged men riding soft-tops talking about weekend plans, tech bros talking about anything.

Otherwise, I’m relatively ok.

Yesterday, a bit of “overheard in the lineup” that I enjoyed came courtesy of lower-teenagers. One said, “I really want to get a Lost Puddle Jumper.” Another said, “Those are made by Lib.” A third added, “Mayhem is a style of surfboards from Lost, I think.”

Informative but not as valuable as the anthropological work of Los Angeles Times reporter Jackie Connor who paddled from Malibu to Lowers collecting bits of verbal flotsam.

“Like walking through a bar or concert,” she begins, “you can’t help but overhear casual convos while surfing. The chatter can range from trash-talking the last person who caught a wave to uncovering relationship drama, like why someone’s clothes were tossed on the lawn in trash bags.”

A sampling:

Surfer 1: “Taking off on a wave is like surfer bowling out here. How do you not decapitate someone?”

Surfer 2: “You just gotta go — everyone usually knows what they’re doing, but maybe there are some groms with missing limbs.” (Lower Trestles, San Clemente)

Surfer 3: “I wanted that wave. You were in my f—ing way. I get whatever the f— I want out here. Don’t get in my f—ing way.”

Surfer 1: “You shouldn’t have f—ing pulled my leash when I was taking off. You keep getting all the waves. It’s my turn.”

Surfer 3: “You want to fight?! Go to the beach. I’ll take you out any day, and I’ll pull your leash every time you get in my way.” (Second Point, Malibu)

“Malibu is one of the most dangerous surf spots — it’s Peahi, Pipeline and then Malibu.” (Second Point, Malibu)

“I don’t know why we keep getting skunked on these surf reports. Everyone I know hates Surfline. It’s all about — the guy updates it three times a week, and it’s way more accurate than Surfline, or should I say ‘Surflie.’”(Northside of Huntington Pier, Huntington Beach)

Surfer 1: “Did you see?! I got so much air on my last wave. I think it was bigger than yours.”

Surfer 2: “This isn’t a pissing contest, bro.”

Surfer 1: “It is now. Sack up and keep up with yo’ man bustin’ fat airs.” (Upper Trestles, San Clemente)


But how do these bits compare to the conversations in your lineup?

Add to the cultural study below.