The gatekeeper to the WSL's Wall of Positive Noise, Joe Turpel, and US football team.

US soccer broadcast slammed for Wall of Positive Noise!

World Surf League breeds "an unmissable abomination!"

Fans of professional surfing, as produced and broadcast by the World Surf League, have long been frustrated by the patented Wall of Positive Noise™. Brought into existence in 2015, circa 1976, the Wall™ has managed to keep any negativity whatsoever, as it relates to surfing professionally, off the airwaves. No surfers are bad, no surfing lacking, as a crack team of commenters pour pure praise on every single moment.

Current champion Filipe Toledo, and his brave act of cowardice at Teahupo’o wherein he refused to paddle for a wave in 2015 then reprised the glory in 2022, is met with fawning oohs and ahhs from the booth.

He was entirely clinical in his approach to not dropping in while AARP gentleman shared waves.

Strategic.

Artful.

Oh the Wall™ is not reserved for our heroes and heroines alone. The World Surf League, itself, is also the most successful enterprise on earth with millions upon millions of allegedly new consumers converting each and every day shooting viewer numbers on the just-wrapped final’s day through the roof.

Well, the whole business has attracted those responsible for airing World Cup soccer in the United States, allegedly, though the proper sporting media has not been as tolerant.

International headlines, today, scream, “Fox Sports’ US World Cup coverage is an unmissable abomination.”

A sampling:

At a time when things are clicking on the pitch for the US men’s national team and America finally has a generation of footballers with the technical quality to challenge the world’s best, there’s been something faintly reassuring about Fox Sports’ approach to this tournament. Whereas the USMNT is now a cosmopolitan ensemble of feather-fine talents, the Fox team is the equivalent of a farmers’ league XI that hoofs it long and hopes for the best.

And…

In these circumstances you might expect Fox’s coverage of the matches, untroubled by politics, to be razor-sharp. You would be mistaken. From its Orientalist redoubt on the Doha Corniche (Arabesque motifs, casino lighting, no actual Arabs unless they’re from the Qatari tourism agency), the Fox team has set about its task with vigor: to beam all the tournament matches into the living rooms of America while being maximally patronizing to the country’s soccer fans. In those rare moments when Fox is not jamming a brand down our throats (“Here’s the player to watch segment, presented by Coca-Cola”, “Your first-half moment, sponsored by Verizon”, “Our player spotlight is hosted by the Volkswagen ID.4”), the network’s hosts, analysts, and match commentators seem determined to mansplain the sport as if we, the soccer-watching public of the United States, have spent the past four decades with our heads in the desert sands surrounding Lusail Iconic Stadium.

To…

Take a moment to appreciate the full dizzying scope of Fox’s witlessness in Qatar. After Rob Stone noted, in the lead-up to the group match between Brazil and Serbia, that the Brazilians have won the World Cup five times – perhaps the most widely known World Cup statistic of all – a wide-eyed Dempsey exclaimed, “Wow, you really did your research!” During France v Denmark, match commentator JP Dellacamera described Kylian Mbappé as “a kid who’s 23 and already the whole world is talking about him,” an evaluation whose awestruck “already” suggested that JP has watched close to no football over the past half decade. Donovan started the tournament pronouncing Iran “Eye-ran”, witnessed Tyler Adams being corrected by an Iranian journalist for mispronouncing his country’s name – then continued to call the country “Eye-ran”.

But does it sound familiar?

Joe Turpel?

Martin Potter (RIP)?

Sorry, world.

Sincerely, WSL.


Shakira (left) with a surf instructor. Photo: @shakira

Pop sensation Shakira orders prying, though popular, surf tabloid to keep damned nose out of her blossoming relationship with dashing surf instructor!

Nothing to see here.

We last left Shakira on Spain’s northern coast, soothing her broken heart through the cathartic properties of surfing.

Her marriage to Spanish soccer stud Gerard Pique, you see, had unraveled and what better place to rehabilitate than amongst the rolling waves?

The lapping tides?

The Colombian chanteuse is no stranger to the lineup, having taken trips to various Wavegardens, tropical beaches etc. and surfers, everywhere, understood her decision. Better in the drink than the drink in her.

As things happen, out in the waters, fresh love can spark and rumors have burst forth that Shakira has fallen madly in love with her dashing surf instructor, has introduced him to her family and all the other bells and whistles.

Surf instructor certainly for the win.

After days upon days of wagging tongues, though, the hitmaker struck out, delivering a devastating slap to tabloids and especially of the surf varietal, declaring,  “Out of respect for my children and the vulnerable moment they are going through, I ask the media to stop the speculation. I have no partner and nothing other than devoting myself entirely to my children and their welfare.”

Surf instructor unfortunately for the lose.

But do think that, if the two are indeed together, he will forgive her publicly denying his existence? “I have no partner and nothing other than devoting myself etc.” definitively harsh.

Also, if you were one of Shakira’s children, would you enjoy being raised by a surf instructor? Might one of them become the next Gabriel Medina who was raised by his surf shop owning step-father?

Also, has the surf instructor’s stock ever been so high?

Lastly, do you imagine Shakira’s children’s welfare is buoyed or harmed by an alleged attachment to someone in the surf instruction industry?

That’s all for now.


UFC superstar Izzy Adesanya and king of Teahupoo/Surf Ranch Raimana. | Photo: @raimanaworld

UFC superstar Israel Adesanya shocks fight fans with surf skills under tutelage of wildly sexy Tahitian stud described by supermodel Cindy Crawford as “human Viagra…he can get anyone up even me!”

The pair now plan to travel to Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch for further instruction.

It’s been a tough few weeks for the Nigerian-born UFC superstar Israel Adesanya, who finally relinquished his middle-weight belt after five successful belt defences.

If you watched the November 13 fight, oowee, Izzy got stung by three-tons of ass-kicking horse in the human form of Brazilian kickboxer Alex Pereira.

Since the L, Adesanya has been smoothing himself out in French Polynesia, specifically on the island of Tahiti, and alongside Raimana Van Bastolaer, former Teahupoo ambassador turned smiling face of the Surf Ranch, and described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford.

(Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Side effects include deeply satisfied gal, a terrible chafing on shaft and a reputation as a pussy assassin.)

 

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A post shared by Cindy Crawford (@cindycrawford)

In a series of photos and video posted by Raimana on Instagram, we see thirty-three-year-old Adesanya, a former dance champion along with his UFC titles and various kickboxing trophies, display his uncanny balance on a Mick Fanning softboard after being whipped into a wave, and kicked along by Raimana’s invaluable advice.

“Go! Stand up! Relax, relax, relax, relax, good, relax, relax,” tells the Champ.

The pair now plan to travel to Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch for further instruction.


McGregor (right) laughing while Rogan remains incredulous. Photo: Instagram

Noted surf personality interviewer Joe Rogan takes vicious swipe at new enemy Conor McGregor in light of Liver King steroid scandal: “He’s taking his shirt off and posing constantly and he looks like his piss would melt that drug testing cup!”

Human potential.

The Liver King steroid scandal has stunned many corners of this great globe but none more than the one occupied by surfers. Performance enhancing drugs are generally not central to the conversation of those who find pleasure on the ocean’s waves but with professionals who compete at the highest levels advertising banned substances on social media and the clearly non-existent testing conducted by the World Surf League, many are wondering if they should be.

Might a little injection of pure testosterone give one the guts to paddle Teahupo’o, for example?

Well, noted surf personality interview Joe Rogan waded straight into the waters this weekend and used his new enemy, the once-great mixed martial artist Conor McGregor, as his punching bag.

McGregor, you certainly recall, bashed Rogan last week, calling him a “f*cking tick” while declaring, “Proper Twelve blow the jaw off you stick to that other gick boondock head.”

So Rogan’s latest guest was a performance enhancing drug expert and the two discussed McGregor’s astounding new musculature with Rogan declaring, “He’s taking his shirt off and posing constantly and he looks like his piss would melt that USADA cup. Like it would just like burn a hole right through the bottom of that USADA cup.”

The USADA is, of course, the United States Anti-Doping Agency.

And this spike in anabolic steroid interest hasn’t been so great since Brian “The Boz” Bosworth was playing football in Erik Logan’s Oklahoma. Since Ivan Drago went toe to with Rocky Balboa in Moscow on Christmas Day.

And, thus, I ask again for surfers everywhere. Should one of our heroes or heroines give it all a go?

Is one already giving it a go?

Human potential.


A real ol fashioned blood feud 'tween Nat, left, and Griffin Foy, right.

Californian surf cities on the brink as death threats allegedly fly after mild breach of surf etiquette by popular world tour veteran, “Dude acts like this and has the whole city ready to fight or kill for him”

"This guy's a hometown hero does whatever he wants and has the whole city sending me threats and how they are gunna get me."

The rivalry between Californian “surf cities” Santa Cruz and Huntington Beach, a tinderbox since a 2008 settlement that gave the Surf City trademark to HB, has exploded following a low-level breach of surf etiquette by the Santa Cruz world tour veteran Nat Young. 

Huntington Beach’s Griffin Foy threw a firebomb on Instagram, claiming Young, a former rookie of the year who fell off the tour following a series of personal tragedies only to requalify a few years later, stole onto his wave and then sought a “hit” on the HB shredder. 

Now, Foy, who calls himself “gfoy”, has challenged Young to a cage fight. 

“Dude acts like this and then has the whole city ready to fight or kill for him and come after me!” writes Foy, who is twenty-one. “Whatever, I’ve had hits on my head before nothing new. I know how to move. That is local surfing in California aka group of (pussy emoji) mentality. Not many solo G’s. Guy looked at me (I’m on pink rails) video doesn’t show whole thing. Dropped in on me with his wide box stance so I wasn’t too  concerned if I ran into him in the process of teaching him how to surf… we should start a surf league like UFC maybe @surfingfightclub and with mma to handle beefs. Who wants to invest? My money is on me against this dude in a surf-off AND in the octagon. I don’t typically give out free lessons like this. That being said, any investors, let’s  start a new league. IDK, something more exciting, more real, more entertaining. Some pro surfers don’t give me my respect so I’m willing to earn it by all means. That’s all for today on keeping it real with gfoy.” 

 

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A post shared by Griffin Foy (@g_foy_)

Comments are well worth a stroll through, one key-jockey welcoming the chance to join Foy in squaring off with Santa Cruz. 

“dude lmk what’s good I’ll fight them. The line up used to be about respect. I’m not sure what happened in the last few years but I definitely think we should form a different kind of surf club to regulate the local legends, weekend warriors and the Brazos. You ever run in to trouble hit me up I’ll be on my way brah.”

Foy says “Nat would definitely be very soft for burning me and not fighting with the weight advantage but hey I’m giving him the chance anyway.”

Nat Young’s camp is yet to respond to the challenge. 

More as it comes, develops etc.