World Surf League horrifies conservative
fanbase, releases sexually provocative “Brazilian Storm fanny pack”
ahead of 2023 season!
By Chas Smith
Gasp.
The World Surf League, at the very cusp of a
brand new Championship Tour season, is known for many things
including, but not limited to, putting Martin Potter in a booth,
“Backward Fin” Beth, fixing things not broken and Oprah Winfrey.
Sexual provocation, though, has never been one of them.
Never until just yesterday, that is, with the release of a
“Brazilian Storm fanny pack.”
Per the “global home of surfing’s” usually staid website:
Brazilian Storm Fanny Pack Regular price $40.00 Shipping calculated at checkout. Rep the Brazilian Storm with this fanny pack, which has a small
inside pocket, and adjustable straps.
• 100% polyester • Fabric weight: 9.56 oz/yd² (325 g/m²), weight may vary by
5% • Dimensions: 6.5″ (16 cm) in height, 13″ (33 cm) in width, and
2¾″ (7 cm) in diameter • Water-resistant material • Top zipper with 2 sliders • Small, customizable inner pocket without zipper • Silky lining, piped inside hems • 1¼″ (2.54 cm) wide adjustable straps with plastic strap
regulators
Please note that returns on this item are only accepted for
misprinted, damaged or defective items. See the full return policy
here.
“Most influential surf brand in the world”
and the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing unite for
southern pride clothing drop!
By Chas Smith
Two sports. One need for speed.
Many, many years ago I traveled to North
Carolina in order to attend a wedding. It was my first
time in America’s south and I felt an instant fondness. The food,
biscuits and gravy, chicken fried steak, collard greens, pimento
cheese, etc. tickled my palate. The temperature, a balmy 80 degrees
with much humidity, made me feel like I was wading through a tasty
soup. The architecture, racist but purty. And the charm, very real,
seemed right out of a late-1970s television program.
All wonderful (save the racist bit).
Before the big day, anyhow, the groom and his men sat in an
antebellum parlor, sipping Bud Light and enjoying a NASCAR race.
Now, I was aware of the motorsport, of course, but had never take
the time to understand it as anything more than a counter-clockwise
snooze. The subtleties, which I had never looked for, were
explained to me in kind drawl and, though I didn’t become a fan,
understood how it was possible.
So, unlike you, I am less surprised by Hurley’s recent
collaboration with the National Association of Stock Car Auto
Racing on exciting surf trunks and jackets.
Per the press release:
“Hurley is one of the most influential brands in the world
when it comes to action-sports and beach apparel,” said Megan
Malayter, NASCAR managing director of licensing and consumer
products. “As two companies who were born on the beach, we’re
thrilled to be collaborating with Hurley to bring this exclusive
Hurley x NASCAR collection to fans in 2023.”
Hurley was founded in Huntington Beach in 1999 on the
principle of empowering and fueling the voice of the next
generation. Through the lens of inclusion, Hurley has partnered
with the world’s best surfers, skateboarders, snowboarders,
musicians and artists, and is an iconic global youth culture brand
with roots sunk deep in beach lifestyle.
“We’re excited to bring the Hurley energy that has
solidified its stake in surf, snow and skate to a new audience
through the Hurley x NASCAR collection. Racing and surfing take
dedication, commitment and drive and have many of the same key
attributes. We have fused the two as one in the latest Hurley x
NASCAR collection while taking our brand trackside,” said Ralph
Gindi, COO and co-founder of Bluestar Alliance, parent company of
Hurley.
Did you know that Hurley was one of the most influential brands
in the world? Me neither but, in any case, do you think the
clothing will be on display at the upcoming World Surf League
Championship Tour stop the Hurley Pro Sunset Beach or do you think
that Head of Tours Jessi Miley-Dyer and gang will steer clear of
NASCAR’s spotty past plus various questions re. mass pollution?
(Spoiler) Sharp Eye shaper Marcio Zouvi accepting "Stab
in Sunlight" award from WSL.
World Surf League adds wrinkle to 2023
Championship Tour, debuts never-before-seen shaper competition
“Stab in the Sunlight!”
By Chas Smith
Tears in Oceanside.
LOS ANGELES, Calif., USA (Thursday, January 26,
2023) – Today, the World Surf League (WSL)
announced the launch of the 2023 Vissla Championship Tour (CT)
Shaper Rankings, a season-long battle to determine the best
high-performance surfboard shapers. The Vissla CT Shaper Rankings
is a new leaderboard that tracks the performance of the best
surfers in the world via a combined men’s and women’s rankings
counting Quarterfinal-or-better finishes at each of the ten CT
stops this season. The best high-performance shaper will be
determined by the end of the 10-stop CT, ahead of the Rip Curl WSL
Finals.
“The surfboard builder community is amongst the most
important in all of surfing and the shapers that support the
surfers on the WSL Championship Tour are designing and innovating
at the highest level of the sport,” said Dave Prodan, the WSL Chief
Strategy Officer. “Their time, energy and investment in the world’s
best surfers absolutely need to be recognized and celebrated. The
WSL is excited to be partnering with Vissla on the inaugural Vissla
CT Shaper Rankings and look forward to the broader surfing
community tracking how the shapers perform this season.”
“Surfboard Craftsmanship has always been part of the Vissla
brand DNA” said Paul Naude, Founder of Vissla. “Surfboards are the
cornerstone of the Surf Industry and together with the WSL, we’re
pleased to create a platform which will highlight the exceptional
craftsmanship that board builders provide for advancement of
surfing excellence.”
At the start of this season, 18 shapers provide surfboards
for all the CT competitors. The goal of the Vissla CT Shaper
Rankings is to spotlight which equipment consistently performs
throughout the season. The rankings will also provide a
behind-the-scenes look at shapers’ backgrounds and
businesses.
The Vissla CT Shaper Rankings will count performances for
surfers finishing in the men’s and women’s Quarterfinals or higher,
offering 16 potential placings per CT event. Overall rankings will
be combined across the season, beginning at Pipe and ending in
Tahiti, with a winner being determined ahead of the Rip Curl WSL
Finals.
And while I am absolutely certain the Stab folk are
angrily gnashing teeth over ripped idea, the men’s interest
magazine has legitimately lifted every concept it has ever had from
others without even pretending to hide (See: Anthony Bourdain,
Thrasher, Derek Rielly, etc. etc. etc.)
Excited, though, to see Marcio Zouvi hoist the trophy, or
whatever, at the end.
But how mad will Matt Biolos be?
Jon Pyzel laughing at the junk show.
Wave Storm not paying attention.
Sharp eye.
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The World Surf League (pictured) being bummed. Photo:
Napoleon Dynamite
Intense pressure grows on World Surf League
to implement changes after “most prestigious surf contest on earth”
makes mockery of judging format!
By Chas Smith
Hands wring in Santa Monica.
What is there left to be written about The
Eddie? Oh the most prestigious surf contest on earth ran
just under a week ago and yet reverberations have banged and bonged
around our world since. Everything about it was glorious, from the
humble lifeguard winner to the waves that just kept coming and
coming to Keala Kennelly’s perfectly
dramatic exit from this sport of kings to the
scoring.
Ah, yes, the scoring.
As was referenced time and again by commentators Kaipo and
Rocky, scores would only be released at the end of the event, when
everyone was safe etc., in order to build drama. Well, any keen
observer knew that was not necessarily the case. More likely, the
contest, running on a beautiful slippah strap, didn’t have the
technological ability to post scores in real time but also I’d have
to think the powers that be knew that it would be better without.
Holding scores, until the end, guaranteed the best surfer winning
which is exactly what happened and why intense pressure is,
currently, building on the World Surf League.
The “global home of surfing” kicks off the Championship Tour in
days and while, due simpering jealously, it did not recognize The
Eddie, it should very much be able to hear the cries from
beleaguered fans.
“Withhold scores until the end of each heat!” the voices scream,
rising as one.
And tell me those voices are not correct. In the current WSL
landscape, each heat is judged in real time with the judges
attempting to set the scale while allowing for better waves at the
end of the heat and/or not. This, more often than not, goes
entirely sideways. Early waves are underscored to many hoots of
derision, or overscored to many hoots of derision. Surfers are
either gifted through by percentage points on final rides or denied
that gifting, both choices landing in a fertile field of
suspicion.
Each bit of it is dumb and easily solved.
Evaluate each heat at the end. Side by side comparisons of best
waves ridden. Winner winner chicken dinner.
How is this not perfect?
What, the surfer in the water needs to know what she needs to
do, points-wise, to defeat the other surfer in the water?
Bullshit. Surf to maximum ability always.
What, the fan at home needs to know who is ahead?
Bullshit. Aside for World Surf League employees, those watching
are still surf fans and can discern who is surfing better all by
lonesome.
What, there is no precedent?
Bullshit. Boxing, sort of. And The Eddie.
David Lee Scales and I discussed this, anyone, on our 201 show.
It was unfortunately cut short due an airport run (my fault) but I
think you will enjoy anyhow. If not, Scales had Luke Shepardson
lined up for this afternoon, podcast coming shortly I’d
imagine.
The Eddie über alles.
Listen here.
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KK hits the road.
Surfing’s first openly lesbian big-wave
world champ sensationally quits sport after suffering one of the
worst wipeouts ever seen during “best day in surfing history” at
thirty-foot Waimea Bay, “My body can’t take this shit
anymore!”
By Derek Rielly
"This is what pushing your limits looks like
– it isn’t always pretty."
Four years ago, the Kauai surfer Keala Kennelly, who grew up
slinging waves alongside the Irons bros at Pine Trees, won the
big-wave world championship, which was decided after one event
– the Women’s Jaws Challenge.
Although not surfing’s first openly lesbian world champ, that
honour belongs to three-time longboard winner Cori Schumacher, the
higher profile of Kennelly, who is a DJ and part-time movie and TV
star, gave her the platform to talk of her myriad
struggles.
“I had just all this internalized homophobia and self-hatred for
being gay,” Kennelly told People mag. “I was living this double
life because on tour, I was pretending to be straight. I’m just a
really honest person, I’m a really genuine, authentic person. So,
to feel like I was living this lie was just crushing my soul and
after so many years of that, it was just, “I can’t do this anymore,
this is actually going to kill me if I can’t live my truth.” It got
to a point where I didn’t care what the cost was, I couldn’t live
like this.”
Kennelly said that it was “not okay to be a lesbian” and that if
you did prefer shaved babylike snatches to rock-and-cock Tom
Selleck lookalikes it was “career suicide.”
“So,” said Kennelly, “when I got on the tour, I was so freaking
nervous because I inherently knew I was gay. So, I was absolutely
terrified and I spent the majority of my time on the pro circuit in
the closet and just completely terrified to come out — completely
terrified to get outed, that I was going to lose my sponsors.”
In 2005, Kennelly, aged twenty-seven, quit the world tour.
“I came out because I couldn’t handle mentally and emotionally
what that was like. Then I had a few sponsors drop me and so, that
was just more confirmation that it wasn’t okay. I left the tour
because, emotionally and mentally, I just couldn’t handle it.”
Incredibly, in the forty-six years since the men’s tour has been
around, not one active male pro has admitted to being a barebacking
queen.
Now, Kennelly, who is forty-four, has hinted
she’ll quit the big-wave
pro surfing game after suffering one of
the worst wipeouts of The
Eddie Invitational.
“My entire surfing career has been about pushing the limits in
women’s surfing. This is what pushing your limits looks like, it
isn’t always pretty but the ones that I’ve had in my career where I
went
#fullsend and was successful were incredible. This might be my
last #send. My body can’t take this shit anymore…I hope you enjoyed
the show.”
