World Surf League horrifies conservative fanbase, releases sexually provocative “Brazilian Storm fanny pack” ahead of 2023 season!


The World Surf League, at the very cusp of a brand new Championship Tour season, is known for many things including, but not limited to, putting Martin Potter in a booth, “Backward Fin” Beth, fixing things not broken and Oprah Winfrey. Sexual provocation, though, has never been one of them.

Never until just yesterday, that is, with the release of a “Brazilian Storm fanny pack.”

Per the “global home of surfing’s” usually staid website:

Brazilian Storm Fanny Pack
Regular price
Shipping calculated at checkout.
Rep the Brazilian Storm with this fanny pack, which has a small inside pocket, and adjustable straps.

• 100% polyester
• Fabric weight: 9.56 oz/yd² (325 g/m²), weight may vary by 5%
• Dimensions: 6.5″ (16 cm) in height, 13″ (33 cm) in width, and 2¾″ (7 cm) in diameter
• Water-resistant material
• Top zipper with 2 sliders
• Small, customizable inner pocket without zipper
• Silky lining, piped inside hems
• 1¼″ (2.54 cm) wide adjustable straps with plastic strap regulators

Please note that returns on this item are only accepted for misprinted, damaged or defective items. See the full return policy here.

Do you know what fanny means in Australia?


Buy here.

Photo: Talladega Nights

“Most influential surf brand in the world” and the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing unite for southern pride clothing drop!

Two sports. One need for speed.

Many, many years ago I traveled to North Carolina in order to attend a wedding. It was my first time in America’s south and I felt an instant fondness. The food, biscuits and gravy, chicken fried steak, collard greens, pimento cheese, etc. tickled my palate. The temperature, a balmy 80 degrees with much humidity, made me feel like I was wading through a tasty soup. The architecture, racist but purty. And the charm, very real, seemed right out of a late-1970s television program.

All wonderful (save the racist bit).

Before the big day, anyhow, the groom and his men sat in an antebellum parlor, sipping Bud Light and enjoying a NASCAR race. Now, I was aware of the motorsport, of course, but had never take the time to understand it as anything more than a counter-clockwise snooze. The subtleties, which I had never looked for, were explained to me in kind drawl and, though I didn’t become a fan, understood how it was possible.

So, unlike you, I am less surprised by Hurley’s recent collaboration with the National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing on exciting surf trunks and jackets.

Per the press release:

“Hurley is one of the most influential brands in the world when it comes to action-sports and beach apparel,” said Megan Malayter, NASCAR managing director of licensing and consumer products. “As two companies who were born on the beach, we’re thrilled to be collaborating with Hurley to bring this exclusive Hurley x NASCAR collection to fans in 2023.”

Hurley was founded in Huntington Beach in 1999 on the principle of empowering and fueling the voice of the next generation. Through the lens of inclusion, Hurley has partnered with the world’s best surfers, skateboarders, snowboarders, musicians and artists, and is an iconic global youth culture brand with roots sunk deep in beach lifestyle.

“We’re excited to bring the Hurley energy that has solidified its stake in surf, snow and skate to a new audience through the Hurley x NASCAR collection. Racing and surfing take dedication, commitment and drive and have many of the same key attributes. We have fused the two as one in the latest Hurley x NASCAR collection while taking our brand trackside,” said Ralph Gindi, COO and co-founder of Bluestar Alliance, parent company of Hurley.

Did you know that Hurley was one of the most influential brands in the world? Me neither but, in any case, do you think the clothing will be on display at the upcoming World Surf League Championship Tour stop the Hurley Pro Sunset Beach or do you think that Head of Tours Jessi Miley-Dyer and gang will steer clear of NASCAR’s spotty past plus various questions re. mass pollution?

Exciting times.

Shop here.

(Spoiler) Sharp Eye shaper Marcio Zouvi accepting "Stab in Sunlight" award from WSL.
(Spoiler) Sharp Eye shaper Marcio Zouvi accepting "Stab in Sunlight" award from WSL.

World Surf League adds wrinkle to 2023 Championship Tour, debuts never-before-seen shaper competition “Stab in the Sunlight!”

Tears in Oceanside.

LOS ANGELES, Calif., USA (Thursday, January 26, 2023)Today, the World Surf League (WSL) announced the launch of the 2023 Vissla Championship Tour (CT) Shaper Rankings, a season-long battle to determine the best high-performance surfboard shapers. The Vissla CT Shaper Rankings is a new leaderboard that tracks the performance of the best surfers in the world via a combined men’s and women’s rankings counting Quarterfinal-or-better finishes at each of the ten CT stops this season. The best high-performance shaper will be determined by the end of the 10-stop CT, ahead of the Rip Curl WSL Finals.

“The surfboard builder community is amongst the most important in all of surfing and the shapers that support the surfers on the WSL Championship Tour are designing and innovating at the highest level of the sport,” said Dave Prodan, the WSL Chief Strategy Officer. “Their time, energy and investment in the world’s best surfers absolutely need to be recognized and celebrated. The WSL is excited to be partnering with Vissla on the inaugural Vissla CT Shaper Rankings and look forward to the broader surfing community tracking how the shapers perform this season.”

“Surfboard Craftsmanship has always been part of the Vissla brand DNA” said Paul Naude, Founder of Vissla. “Surfboards are the cornerstone of the Surf Industry and together with the WSL, we’re pleased to create a platform which will highlight the exceptional craftsmanship that board builders provide for advancement of surfing excellence.”

At the start of this season, 18 shapers provide surfboards for all the CT competitors. The goal of the Vissla CT Shaper Rankings is to spotlight which equipment consistently performs throughout the season. The rankings will also provide a behind-the-scenes look at shapers’ backgrounds and businesses.

The Vissla CT Shaper Rankings will count performances for surfers finishing in the men’s and women’s Quarterfinals or higher, offering 16 potential placings per CT event. Overall rankings will be combined across the season, beginning at Pipe and ending in Tahiti, with a winner being determined ahead of the Rip Curl WSL Finals.

And while I am absolutely certain the Stab folk are angrily gnashing teeth over ripped idea, the men’s interest magazine has legitimately lifted every concept it has ever had from others without even pretending to hide (See: Anthony Bourdain, Thrasher, Derek Rielly, etc. etc. etc.)

Excited, though, to see Marcio Zouvi hoist the trophy, or whatever, at the end.

But how mad will Matt Biolos be?

Jon Pyzel laughing at the junk show.

Wave Storm not paying attention.

Sharp eye.

The World Surf League (pictured) being bummed. Photo: Napoleon Dynamite
The World Surf League (pictured) being bummed. Photo: Napoleon Dynamite

Intense pressure grows on World Surf League to implement changes after “most prestigious surf contest on earth” makes mockery of judging format!

Hands wring in Santa Monica.

What is there left to be written about The Eddie? Oh the most prestigious surf contest on earth ran just under a week ago and yet reverberations have banged and bonged around our world since. Everything about it was glorious, from the humble lifeguard winner to the waves that just kept coming and coming to Keala Kennelly’s perfectly dramatic exit from this sport of kings to the scoring.

Ah, yes, the scoring.

As was referenced time and again by commentators Kaipo and Rocky, scores would only be released at the end of the event, when everyone was safe etc., in order to build drama. Well, any keen observer knew that was not necessarily the case. More likely, the contest, running on a beautiful slippah strap, didn’t have the technological ability to post scores in real time but also I’d have to think the powers that be knew that it would be better without. Holding scores, until the end, guaranteed the best surfer winning which is exactly what happened and why intense pressure is, currently, building on the World Surf League.

The “global home of surfing” kicks off the Championship Tour in days and while, due simpering jealously, it did not recognize The Eddie, it should very much be able to hear the cries from beleaguered fans.

“Withhold scores until the end of each heat!” the voices scream, rising as one.

And tell me those voices are not correct. In the current WSL landscape, each heat is judged in real time with the judges attempting to set the scale while allowing for better waves at the end of the heat and/or not. This, more often than not, goes entirely sideways. Early waves are underscored to many hoots of derision, or overscored to many hoots of derision. Surfers are either gifted through by percentage points on final rides or denied that gifting, both choices landing in a fertile field of suspicion.

Each bit of it is dumb and easily solved.

Evaluate each heat at the end. Side by side comparisons of best waves ridden. Winner winner chicken dinner.

How is this not perfect?

What, the surfer in the water needs to know what she needs to do, points-wise, to defeat the other surfer in the water?

Bullshit. Surf to maximum ability always.

What, the fan at home needs to know who is ahead?

Bullshit. Aside for World Surf League employees, those watching are still surf fans and can discern who is surfing better all by lonesome.

What, there is no precedent?

Bullshit. Boxing, sort of. And The Eddie.

David Lee Scales and I discussed this, anyone, on our 201 show. It was unfortunately cut short due an airport run (my fault) but I think you will enjoy anyhow. If not, Scales had Luke Shepardson lined up for this afternoon, podcast coming shortly I’d imagine.

The Eddie über alles.

Listen here.

KK hits the road.

Surfing’s first openly lesbian big-wave world champ sensationally quits sport after suffering one of the worst wipeouts ever seen during “best day in surfing history” at thirty-foot Waimea Bay, “My body can’t take this shit anymore!”

"This is what pushing your limits looks like – it isn’t always pretty."

Four years ago, the Kauai surfer Keala Kennelly, who grew up slinging waves alongside the Irons bros at Pine Trees, won the big-wave world championship, which was decided after one event – the Women’s Jaws Challenge.

Kennelly won the event and the title despite not making a takeoff on her two waves, which the historian Matt Warshaw subsequently described as “an embarrassment. Not for Keala, but the WSL”

Although not surfing’s first openly lesbian world champ, that honour belongs to three-time longboard winner Cori Schumacher, the higher profile of Kennelly, who is a DJ and part-time movie and TV star, gave her the platform to talk of her myriad struggles. 

“I had just all this internalized homophobia and self-hatred for being gay,” Kennelly told People mag. “I was living this double life because on tour, I was pretending to be straight. I’m just a really honest person, I’m a really genuine, authentic person. So, to feel like I was living this lie was just crushing my soul and after so many years of that, it was just, “I can’t do this anymore, this is actually going to kill me if I can’t live my truth.” It got to a point where I didn’t care what the cost was, I couldn’t live like this.”

Kennelly said that it was “not okay to be a lesbian” and that if you did prefer shaved babylike snatches to rock-and-cock Tom Selleck lookalikes it was “career suicide.”

“So,” said Kennelly, “when I got on the tour, I was so freaking nervous because I inherently knew I was gay. So, I was absolutely terrified and I spent the majority of my time on the pro circuit in the closet and just completely terrified to come out — completely terrified to get outed, that I was going to lose my sponsors.”

In 2005, Kennelly, aged twenty-seven, quit the world tour.

“I came out because I couldn’t handle mentally and emotionally what that was like. Then I had a few sponsors drop me and so, that was just more confirmation that it wasn’t okay. I left the tour because, emotionally and mentally, I just couldn’t handle it.”

Incredibly, in the forty-six years since the men’s tour has been around, not one active male pro has admitted to being a barebacking queen.

(Yeah, there’s heavy-metal bear Matt Branson, but for his time on tour he was played as super straight, eating out chicks in the Bells Beach carpark etc, as reported by Paul Sargeant.

Now, Kennelly, who is forty-four, has hinted she’ll quit the big-wave pro surfing game after suffering one of the worst wipeouts of The Eddie Invitational.

“My entire surfing career has been about pushing the limits in women’s surfing. This is what pushing your limits looks like, it isn’t always pretty but the ones that I’ve had in my career where I went #fullsend and was successful were incredible. This might be my last #send. My body can’t take this shit anymore…I hope you enjoyed the show.”