San Diego beach neighborhoods form powerful “Coastal Karens” political lobby in order to thwart out-of-control twink parties and baby bonfires!

"May I speak with the city manager?"

The pressure of living beachfront in America’s Finest City, man. Sure, there are the small pleasures like temperate year ’round weather, plentiful surf and fine enough sand but there are also real evils like spike ball parties that grow out of control, baby bonfires and little dogs secreted into “no dog” zones.

Well, Ocean Beach, Mission Beach, Pacific Beach and La Jolla are mad as hell and aren’t going to take it anymore. Leaders on the four town councils have decided to band together and form up a powerful political lobby in order to get the city to see things their way.

Dubbed the “Coastal Karens,” the group is fired up and ready to go. “We all have many concerns in common and we’ve found that we’re much more effective when we work together,” Catharine Douglass, chair of the La Jolla Town Council’s Safety Committee, told The San Diego Union-Tribune.

“Our needs are much greater than most other neighborhoods because of all the tourists, but we don’t get extra money from the city for that,” added Larry Webb, president of the Mission Beach Town Council. “We’re getting some respect from the city. We’ll continue to explore other areas where we have similar concerns and solutions we want the city to consider.”

First in the sights were beach vendors, those pesky folk who attempt to sell hats, jelly beans and whatnot. The Coastal Karens goaded the city into adopting comprehensive street vendor legislation, though it won’t take effect until the California Coastal Commission approves it.

Next up was the restriction of wood bonfires which cause people to sit and stare mindlessly, often while sipping contraband IPA and the city agreed to the demands.

Success.

The city then agreed to physically close all parks and parking lots along the coast, overnigh,t to prevent teenage canoodling and loud boombox rap music leading to another set of high fives.

Not content with simple laws getting passed, though, Charlie Nieto, president of the Pacific Beach Town Council, declared, “No matter how good the legislation, it won’t mean anything without enforcement.”

The group out on the streets, cell phones ready, voices pre-shrilled.

Karens gonna Karen.