A shocker.

The Billabong Pro Pipeline will very likely be off again today with a positively rotten forecast. Surfline, not even beginning to pretend anymore, calling the typically menacing Banzai Pipeline 3 – 4ft with lousy winds and, honestly, nothing really over the horizon. A slight bump on Monday with strong easterly trades all but guaranteed to chew it up.

So far, on the men’s side, Josh Moniz, Imaikalani deVault, Matt McGillivray and Jadson Andre have been sent packing. Four names in two days, though they might be pleased to not have to splish-splash in the ugly.

The upcoming round of 32, rebranded the “bracket round,” will likely be a bloodbath of big names going down in sloppy conditions but at least sitting world champion Filipe Toledo, up against Carlos Munoz, will not have to be scared of big towering waves. Those who picked him to surfive must be pleased.

In another blow to Pipe’s fearsome reputation, Florida’s New Smyrna smashed it to be named “America’s Deadliest Beach” by Travel Lens. Per a commissioned study, the excursion website examined “hurricanes, surfing fatalities and shark attacks” to determine which stretch of coast was the most frightening and it was New Smyrna with scored an 8.4 out of a possible ten.

“The deadliest beach in the US is Florida’s New Smyrna Beach,” as the piece goes, “with an overall danger score of 8.14. New Smyrna Beach had more shark attacks than any other beach at 32. This was more than twice as many as any other US beach. However, this beach isn’t all bad. The food scene is excellent, where you can visit some of the best restaurants in New Smyrna Beach.”

Second place was Kelly Slater’s Cocoa.

Sixth, the Hobgoods’ Melbourne.

Pipeline was, in fact, nowhere on the list.

When it comes to surfing fatalities, alone, Warren Smith’s Panama City, Florida beat all-comers by a whopping amount.

Whatever happened to Warren Smith?

Should we send out an SOS?

Hero to zero.

Professional surfing at its highest level was off today, providing millions of fans around the world a moment of respite, some precious seconds to gather thoughts and ponder what we have all witnessed and what we can hope to expect. Bad waves and at least three missed waves, per heat, all but guaranteed. Schizophrenia taking serious hold amongst the commenters.

Yesterday, after the day wrapped, for instance, Ross Williams, usually adroit in mind, was on the highlight show and began saying how lousy the waves were, ending with what a thrilling day of surfing it was.

Chicken skin.

Joe Turpel agreed, also speaking out of both sides of his mouth, and Megan Abubo agreed with everything.

The big note, I suppose, was that reigning champion Stephanie Gilmore lost to two youngsters and was booted from the competition altogether.

“It’s funny, I feel like I’ve gone from hero to zero,” she said afterward. “Surfing has a way of keeping you humble, that’s for sure. Caity [Simmers] did really well, she sat and waited, and got two really good waves. But that’s the sport, that’s the way it is, and there’s no better motivation than to have a shocker and want to come back better.”

The beauty is, that she sets up perfectly to make a mockery of the sport exactly like she did last year after barely sneaking into final’s day with the fewest points of all then running the table and winning it all.

World Surf League CEO Erik Logan and Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer seemed to love the scene, having invented it then pointing to the aforementioned millions of fans as proof in pudding. The newly appointed Khan of All Words, there on Lower Trestles’ cobbled stone to witness live, was lightly more circumspect, enjoying Gilmore’s moxie and mockery but feeling that Hawaii’s Carissa Moore had been brutally robbed.

Well, fans of mockery can certainly hope that Filipe Toledo ends in the fifth slot this year, opposite Gilmore, and the two of them dance to twin defenses of championships.

Chief Executive and Chief Sport fist pumping in the wings.

Let’s go.

A major step up.

Ripples are spreading through the media world, this morning, after it was revealed that Chas Smith, BeachGrit surf journalist and author of four books, one award nominated, had been promoted from his current position to “Khan of All Written Word.”

Smith, who got his start as a contributing writer to Vice, transitioning laterally to Stab then climbing to editor-at-living-large at Surfing before ending up as a surf journalist, and co-founder, of BeachGrit has split opinion in his new role.

While some were quick to praise, adding both fire emojis and heart eye emojis into the social media press release, others consider the controversial figure ill-suited to carry the weight of his title.

“Khan of All Written Word” is a very important job,” one correspondent stated, anonymously so as not to cause an embarrassing row. “And while Chas Smith does have an indefatigable, often infuriating, thirst for pumping out many, many jots and tittles each day, the quality of them has been rigorously debated. I belong to the camp that his grammar, alone, should disqualify him from such an august post.”

In any case, Smith will be expected to work closely with the World Surf League’s new Chief of Sport Jessie Miley-Dyer who, herself, was recently promoted to that position from Senior Vice President of Tours and Head of Competition.

“The announcement comes,” according to that press release, “in conjunction with the start of the 2023 WSL Championship Tour (CT) season with the Billabong Pro Pipeline on the famed North Shore of Oahu, Hawaii. In this role, Miley-Dyer oversees the entire competitive landscape for the WSL’s Tours and competitions, including the World Championship Tour, Challenger Series, Qualifying Series, Pro Junior Series, Big Wave, and World Longboard Tour, and specialty events/series. In addition, Miley-Dyer oversees the athlete development pathway as well as the integrity of the sport through judging, scoring operations, and sportsmanship.”

Exciting times.