WSL’s wall of positive noise comes crashing down on day one of the Billabong Pro Pipeline amid wild scenes of fat-shaming and sabre rattling, “Apropos of nothing, Shane Dorian started baying for deer blood, indicating he’d shoot anything on sight!”

WSL bingo for the day consisted of various iterations of sand on the reef, bumps on the horizon (which rarely materialised), Apple watches, shaper rankings, and the word “sendy”.

And Here…We…Go…

Not my words, of course, but those of Heath Ledger’s Joker, shortly before a failed detonation in the movie and a successful suicide IRL.

Pipeline also failed to detonate today. A stark fact made starker by that classic WSL trope of harking back to better days. In this case just last year. 2022 Pipe. How we loved and miss you.

But much like an ex who’s significantly hotter than the current partner you’re lumbered with, it would be nice not to be reminded of it every five minutes.

Such is life. We move on through gritted teeth.

However, if you’ll permit me a little detour, I have a suggestion that would make pro surfing infinitely more consumable.

The idea came to me after watching Make Or Break Season 2. Reviews are currently under embargo, so I’ll put my major thoughts on ice, but I will say that the loin-tingling excitement of Pipe 2022 was not conveyed.

I have the solution.

Reduce heat times to 10-15 mins. No priority. Catch three waves max, two score. If neither surfer scores, both are eliminated.

Something like this:

Opening rd – 12 three-man heats of 15 mins (3 hrs)
Elimination – 4 three-man heats of 10 mins (40 mins)
Rd 32 – 16 two-man heats of 10 mins (2hrs 40)
Rd 16 – 8 two-man heats of 10 mins (1hr 20)
QF – 4 two-man heats of 10 mins (40 mins)
SF – 2 two-man heats of 15 mins (30 mins)
Final – two men, 20 mins

Comp over in nine hours. One day of good waves.

Alternatively, you go straight elimination, which would make it even quicker.

Advantages?

Make use of the best conditions. All you need is one day in a waiting period.

Lack of priority and shorter heats adds competitiveness and aggression. There will be hassling, there will be drop ins. There might even be dangerous collisions and punch-ups.

But this is the drama everyone wants to see.

You have to go for broke.

Ultimately it solves four major problems: poor or inconsistent waves over multiple days; comps taking too long; heats being boring/lacking drama; and pro surfing not being consumable for fans.

Obvious criticisms?

Some heats will be duds, but that’s a problem we already have. The increased tension and drama of others will compensate.

It could turn into a hassling competition. I’m ok with that. But when surfers recognise they’ve got such a short time to get a score, they’ll realise they’re disadvantaging themselves by not surfing.

Some guys will travel halfway around the world to be eliminated in ten minutes.

So what? This is pro sport. Surfing needs more drama.

Drama was not especially evident today at Pipe. The opening round was, as usual, mostly a chore. Waves were contestable, just. But I was lured into a false sense of hope after tuning in to see Joao Chianca thread a meaty Backdoor tube for an 8.50.

It was to be the best wave I saw all day.

I had Kanoa as the first leg of my multi for my first surf bet of the season. Vicious squalls pelted my windows as Igarashi finished dead last with a whimper in the first heat I’d tuned in for.

Ominous.

I consoled myself with the generous odds offered on Toledo and Colapinto to reach the semi finals. 8.00 seems rather long, given the forecast. I plunged deep into the gift horse’s mouth.

No-one really cares about the opening round, do they?

We’ve lost Josh Moniz, Imaikalani deVault, and fan favourites Matt McGillivray and Jadson Andre.

Pffff.

Is that enough analysis of the actual surfing for you?

Good. To some broadcast and organisational changes then.

JMD has been rebadged as “Chief Of Sport”. (Maybe this isn’t new, but I just noticed.) It seems an appropriately grandiose, corporate and ridiculous term for her role. The WSL should be applauded. I hope, actually, that they have lengthy meetings with fruity cocktails where all they discuss is what new job title they want. I would hope that at some point JMD becomes Grand Princess Of Water Jiggling.

Megan Abubo was a new voice in the booth. She was knowledgeable, inoffensive and fine. No complaints from me, yet. If anything, props for spending so much time within punching distance of Kaipo and not actually striking him.

Dave Prodan crawled out from under his sanitised, WSL-branded rock to provide us with yet another voice fit for sleep aids or meditation tapes. He’d dressed to match his monotone. Or perhaps he was following the old adage “dress for where you want to be, not where you are”.

Either way, his selection of brown trousers, plain, grey shirt, and equally bland contributions was suggestive of the fact he should be placed back under his rock.

If you’re reading this Dave (you are) brace yourself for a season of this. Everyone needs a mortal enemy, or a punching bag, and since I literally can’t stand to write Kaipo’s name anymore, I have decided you’ll make a fine adversary.

Welcome to the terror zone.

Speaking of death and destruction, Shane Dorian brought some controversial kinks to the WSL wokeness blanket when he spilled some of his bloodlust on air. Apropos of nothing, he started baying for deer blood, indicating he’d shoot anything on sight.

Kill, kill, slash, cut, kill, stab, butcher, devour, he said.

Or words to that effect.

Ross Williams went equally off-piste in discussing Jackson Baker.

“He looks like he should be in a suit in some comedy or something,” he said in response to a cutaway interview of Dane Reynolds looking like Peter Griffin.

He followed this with a soupcon of fat-shaming, before assuring us that Baker was perfectly happy. It was a curious and mucky little hole the usually demure and inoffensive Williams had dug himself into.

Oh, and there was an entirely new face for on beach interviews.

AJ.

WSL bingo for the day consisted of various iterations of sand on the reef, bumps on the horizon (which rarely materialised), Apple watches, shaper rankings, and the word “sendy”.

The Apple thing is curious.

It’s just another corporate sponsorship for the WSL to spruik, of course, and we might as well get used to it. It strikes me that this is the one thing that Kaipo is good at, and why he remains on board. The soulless fucker would shill anything with the same puppylike, boundless enthusiasm.

But yeah, forcing competitors to wear mandatory yet essential equipment is interesting. Carissa had refused, allegedly, and good on her. Leo voiced his dissent today and rightly so if it wasn’t even functional.

I’d imagine a few others might hop on Carissa’s coattails, and I’m keen to see how the WSL respond. Given their track record I’d guess it’ll be met with wilful blindness, but Apple will have been made certain promises over fruity cocktails in Santa Monica…

Anyway, to elimination we go.

Any chance of waves to make the surfing worth talking about?