Lenny attempts to rescue his marooned jetski, main photo, and, inset, in comes the chopper to collect what's left of his $20,000 craft.

Harrowing scenes at Jaws as Mark Zuckerberg’s one-time BFF Kai Lenny uses a helicopter to rescue marooned rescue craft after grisly wipeout, “Sometimes you can’t out-run the monster waves and your jet ski gets destroyed on the rocks!”

Derek Rielly

By

"Before I knew it I was flying past the jet ski and we were sent into oblivion.”

The American big-wave prodigy Kai Lenny, who nearly didn’t live to see his thirtieth birthday after he and tow buddy Lucas Chianca came close to being killed at Nazaré last winter, has posted a harrowing video of his jet ski being pulled off the Jaws rocks by a helicopter.

The strikingly unique Maui native, an awesome oddity that no woman or man can resist with skin, eyes and hair the same rich, ripe, radiant apricot, describes the scene.

“(My tow partner) came in for the rescue. It was going to be a really tight pick-up. The foam was really deep and as soon as I was on the sled I heard the engine screaming and no traction going through the impeller. That wave was creeping up on us and I was going to hold on and hope it shot us out but before I knew it I was flying past the jet ski and we were sent into oblivion.”

Two back-up safety skis picked up the pair, depositing Lenny on the rock-strewn shore.

Lenny’s attempt to refloat the jet ski came to naught, however, when he hit a rock, dislodging the engine from its mount, and forcing the wildly well-connected, and loved, surfer to call in a chopper to scoop it up and take it home.

“Big wave surfing has consequences,” he says. “Sometimes you can’t out run the monster waves and your Jet Ski gets destroyed on the rocks. Fortunately there are amazing helicopter pilots who can retrieve the carnage.”

Sarlo, deNicola, Hamilton.

Los Angeles surfer etches name alongside living legends Laird Hamilton, Allen Sarlo after half-mile ride at Malibu!

Chas Smith

By

See to believe!

Oh but what is the longest wave you’ve ever surfed? An endless right-hander somewhere near Salina Cruz? A forever left in Fiji? I’d have to say mine happened in a quaint inland California town named Lemoore. For there, nestled amongst the cows and navy flyboys, rests Kelly Slater’s miracle. A “6+ foot barreling wave of consequence that travels across a 2300-foot basin yielding rides up to a minute long.”

Yes, one ride at that Surf Ranch will reveal how out of shape one truly is. Thighs burn, somewhere in the middle, and arms ache from flapping like an elegant bird. It feels like forever and a mercy when it ends but that is all absolutely nothing compared to the half-mile ride Los Angeles surfer Michael deNicola bagged at world-famous Malibu.

The iconic break has, of course, a number of legendary rides that locals still sit and whistle about. Laird Hamilton SUPing through the pier during a 100-year storm. Original Z-Boy Allen Sarlo surfing around the pier. And now deNicola’s feat of human strength.

The business took place some months ago, on January 5th, but has just come to light thanks to a thrilling Malibu Times recounting.

“It wasn’t a beautiful day to surf, but I was excited by the energy in the water,” the 55-year-old artist explained. “I rode a 7’7” board, shaped by Bruce Fowler, with a quad setup that had a fifth fin the size of a guitar pick to help with turns. We’d been playing with that design for about six years.”

dNicola surfed for multiple hours before taking off on a gem that allowed him to speed past multiple sections.

“I knew I definitely didn’t want to get stuck in those rocks, so I did everything I could to keep moving, even as the wave began to flatten out,” he declared.

Those watching from a nearby ocean club understood they were witnessing history as deNicola just kept going and going and going until he made it all the way past the restaurant and into the history books.

“I was high on adrenaline from the victory, but my legs were so tired that I practically had to crawl out of the water,” he said. “I started surfing at 12. I’ve surfed big waves all over the world. I’ve had injuries that I thought would prevent me from ever surfing again. Yet, at 55, I’d experienced a breakthrough at a beach I’ve been surfing my whole life. It feels even more special to find a great wave to yourself in a city as populous as Los Angeles.”

Entirely special.

And/or available for $10,000 in Lemoore.

Watch here.

Surf great giving stern lecture to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (insert). Photo: Instagram
Surf great giving stern lecture to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (insert). Photo: Instagram

Surf great Kelly Slater joins MAGA-led pile on of Ron DeSantis as embattled Florida governor staggers under withering abuse!

Chas Smith

By

"This is floating, dead fish."

It has not been a good weekend for Ron DeSantis. But mere days ago Florida’s governor, re-elected in a November landslide, was riding has high as any politician since Ronald Reagan in 1984. Not a cloud in his sky. Though he has not officially declared his candidacy for the 2024 United States Presidential election, the skinny thick 44-year-old seemed to have all the momentum in the world leading polls etc.

Well, ex-President Donald J. Trump, who has officially declared, has not taken kindly to the Republican upstart and has been ramping up pointed attacks which reached crescendo at a Saturday rally mere blocks away from the famed BSR Surf Ranch. The controversial developer openly mocked DeSantis from the stage for begging for his endorsement when he was ran for governor that first time and also declared he hadn’t really done anything for the Sunshine State.

“Remember one thing: Florida has been tremendously successful for many years, long before this guy became governor,” Trump bellowed. “Florida was tremendously successful under Rick Scott. … [And] whether you like him or not, Charlie Crist was very successful, he was a Republican at the time. But Florida has been successful for decades, in fact, probably as or more successful than it is now.”

Heavy.

And Floridian surf great Kelly Slater, maybe sensing blood, pounced.

Taking to Instagram the 11x World Champion and noted environmentalist declared, “This is floating, dead fish. Florida water regulation/red tide/agricultural/runoff issues need to be taken very seriously and handled properly. Would love to see @flgovrondesantis addressing this situation. This continues to be an environmental disaster in our state year after year.

A well-timed and do you think Gov. DeSantis will bend his ear, trying to curry favor with the state’s famous son in order to shore up flagging support?

Slater, as you know, is currently below the World Surf League’s dreaded mid-season cut line and could very well be forced into retirement after Margaret River. He will, certainly, be gifted every wildcard slot forever but might his time be better spent running for political office himself?

There is absolutely no way the thought has not flitted across his mind.

Slater 2024.

Epic beach shack on a sprawling quarter-acre of manicured lawn with Instagram-worthy swimming pool and fronting secret wave lists for astonishing $89,000!

Derek Rielly

By

"Grow fruits and vegetables. Barter with your neighbours. Fresh fish abounds from the local fishermen. World-class surfing!"

On a mid-autumn day where the heavens are hidden by gloomy dismal clouds and the hands and fingers are so benumbed that a man can’t hold himself, thoughts, naturally, turn to a new life in the tropics. 

For the American surfer the head pivots toward Central America, specifically gorgeous Costa Rica with its multi-fronted coastline, Pacific and Caribbean, stable governance and little of the misery and squalor of El Salvador or Nicaragua. 

And, here, we find a pretty little beach shack on nine-thousand square feet of manicured lawn, complete with swimming pool, fronting Playa Zancudo and just a few miles north of the CR’s best wave Pavones.

Yours for $89,000.

The sales literature promise “an easy paced lifestyle with healthy living…this area still has dirt roads so everything slows down. No rush no hurry! Lots of permaculture. Grow a variety of fruits and vegetables. Buy, barter, with your neighbours. Fresh fish abounds from the local fishermen. World-class surfing and fishing. Beachbreaks to endless points. Beach life or river life.”

Pretty little beach shack for under one hundred gees!
Tiny swim pool with sultress!
Tiny swim pool with sultress!

I can hardly wait to slip into my khaki shorts and find a swarthy, bare-legged woman to spend the rest of my days with in this idyll, the pair of us eating crab tacos, spearfishing and so on.

Have you jumped the fence and climbed into Costa Rica?

Is it the fairyland it presents?

Paltrow (pictured) with naughty man. Photo: The Royal Tenenbaums.
Paltrow (pictured) with naughty man. Photo: The Royal Tenenbaums.

Celebrity surfers brace for increased water naughtiness in light of Gwyneth Paltrow’s “sexual assault” ski collision!

Chas Smith

By

“There was a strange grunting noise and a body behind me..."

Celebrities flocking to enjoy our beloved pastime has been on a serious rise since the dawn of Covid. The latest in a long line is onetime boy band hunk and current reality television star Nick Lachey, who is in Hawaii riding that wild surf with his young son while waiting for mommy to get one with work.

Photo: Instagram
Photo: Instagram

Touching.

But another sort of “touching” should have the aforementioned personalities very worried. Namely, the “sexual assault” varietal.

But who, here, is not following the Gwyneth Paltrow trial with rapt attention? For those without access to the internet, or on a media fast, the short of it goes something like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow was very sad after her father died and couldn’t bring herself to go skiing, something he loved to do, until she heard a small voice in her spirit telling her that it was time to teach her children the art of snow sliding in his honor. And so she took her charges to Deer Valley, which I think bans snowboarding, hired instruction and set out for the little slope.

It was there that danger struck. An elderly eye doctor named Dr. Terry Sanderson, claiming he was minding his own business, declared an out of control Paltrow smashed into him, basically ruining his life, and so he sued.

Well, the case wound its way into court where Paltrow took the stand to declare that it was Dr. Sanderson who ran into her and in an unpleasant way.

“I was skiing and two skis came between my skis, forcing my legs apart,” she told a rapt jury. “And then there was a body pressing against me.”

Yes, the Goop founder thought she was being sexually assaulted.

“Was he grinding or thrusting?” Dr. Sanderson’s lawyer asked. “What made you think it was a sexual assault?”

“There was a strange grunting noise and a body behind me so I was trying to make sense of what was going on. My mind was going very quickly,” Paltrow responded.

That case will be resolved soon, one winning, one losing, but the greater worry, for star and starlet surfers, is there will be Dr. Sanderson copycats in the lineup. Maybe disturbed individuals who ride soft tops between legs and grunt strangely.

Are you worried?

Or might naughty ideas be dancing in your head?

For shame.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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