Look carefully in the insert an you can see squirting. Photo: Instagram
Look carefully in the insert an you can see squirting. Photo: Instagram

In scene straight out of American Psycho, blood squirts from elbow of increasingly popular Nathan Florence after getting speared by board!

Chas Smith

By

Not for the squeamish.

Nathan Florence’s stratospheric rise seems to happening at the same exact rate, and at the exact inverse angle, as the World Surf League’s precipitous fall. Once an overlooked Jan Brady-esque figure, the middle boy has carved out a growing niche as slab hunter, comic, surf adventurer par excellence.

Wonderful to observe.

Though, the adage “to whom much is given, much is required,” came home to roost for the almost handsome 29-year-old as he suffered a gruesome, horror film-esque injury that left blood squirting from his elbow like a victim of Patrick Bateman himself.

Kaiborg’s son-in-law shared the moment with his nearly half million Instagram followers, writing:

So got a bit wounded! Board speared my elbow doing a turn, lol imagine that turns more dangerous then slab tour (smiley face emoji) trip was just getting started at @secretsumatra unfortunately had to end early as infection set in and cut had had some fiberglass in it, flew home to find out board had speared into bone fracturing it, they removed a little chip and did some cleaning, got a few weeks of recovery ahead nothing to wild, thanks @deanfergus for all the help and for having us at @secretsumatra we cant wait to come back and surf it on the pump the set up was awesome! Time to take advantage of some rest hawaii to africa to indo and back around the world in 3 weeks was wild haha and just one of this years adventures with more to come! Thanks my ortho/ER friends at Kaiser for the clean up!

Yikes.

But would you like to share your goriest surf injury? Mine was probably just a boring dislocated shoulder.

Snooze.

This story about blood squirting from Nathan Florence’s elbow is my 4975th here on BeachGrit.

I hope you enjoyed reading it as much I did writing it.

"By the end of the film, the children will not only have learnt about the ‘patriarchy’ but they will also have been introduced to the racism of post-colonial theory (another Foucauldian special). That is, the history of Western nations is a story of unbroken violence and exploitation. Or in other words, white people are bad, and everyone else is good."

Prop surfboard used by Ryan Gosling in “offensive, nasty and profoundly misandrist” film Barbie lists for one million dollars!

Derek Rielly

By

“An ode to Karl Marx and the French post-modernists, in particular the child molester Michel Foucault.

Y’seen the Margo Robbie, Ryan Goz smash Barbie yet? Yeah, me neither. 

My old pal Bella wrote a review of the film for The Spectator, howevs, and gotta say she wasn’t thrilled describing it as,

“an ode to Karl Marx and the French post-modernists, in particular the child molester Michel Foucault. This central theme of this overtly woke, triumphantly propagandist piece of filmmaking is the postmodern political principle that society is structured into systems of power and privilege, and that women and minorities are oppressed by the patriarchy.” 

A little later, 

“The vein of bitterness and anger directed towards fifty percent of the population runs so deeply through this film that I am surprised that the (few) men sitting in the audience tolerated it. It is an offensive, nasty, and profoundly misandrist piece of filmmaking packaged as harmless entertainment.”

Anyway, someone who works in the props department at Warner Bro’s claims to have the board and have listed it for a million bucks, although they’ll take whatever they get offered over the course of the next few days. 

“I have in my possession The Ken Surfboard from the Barbie motion picture I will sell to the highest bidder by midnight of the end of July. FCFS. First Come First Surf. I worked in the props department and can verify authentication in person.”

Still thinking of going to Barbie?

“By the time the credits start rolling, the little girls will also have a completely skewed vision of men and women and the relationship between the sexes,” writes Bella. “All men, both human and doll, are depicted as either pathetic imbeciles with learning difficulties, or consumed by ‘toxic masculinity’.”

Throw in a little Western Civilisation is the crux of all evil and you got a hit for all the family.

Essential.

From ol beach shack to gorgeous cubist villas, for sale at $6.5 mill apiece.

Just-retired surf Olympian Owen Wright breaks ground on $26 million ultra-luxury Byron Bay villa development!

Derek Rielly

By

Almost killed at Pipe, swindled of one-million dollars, now real estate mogul!

Four years ago, the one-time title contender turned real estate developer Owen Wright paid $5.1 million for an unremarkable beach shack a few hundred metres from The Pass in Australia’s Byron Bay. 

He saw more than the archetypal country soul utopia, the idyllic little timber house surrounded by almost half-an-acre of grass and trees where vegetables are grown and chickens are humanely employed to harvest their protein-rich eggs, of course.

Owen, who survived a traumatic brain injury at Pipe in 2015 as well as having a slice of his fortune swindled by a horse racing enthusiast a couple of years back, saw a fleet of four cubist villas built of concrete and timber and with Tesla batteries and swimming pools and gardens that “blur the boundaries between indoor and outdoor living to create a refined subtropical sanctuary ideal for all seasons.” 

He kept one of the villas for himself and his fam and so did the developer Burke Urban – a good sign, for if the two principals behind the build are hanging around y’know your six-mill plus ain’t gonna fall down around your ears, or if it does you don’t have far to to go to vent spleen or chuck a poorly installed faucet at ’em.

Now, Owen and his partners have broken ground on the build, a bulldozer taking the first divots out of that luminous green grass fed from that fertile volcanic soil. 

“Exciting news! We’re thrilled to announce that we’ve officially broken ground at Daniels Street in Byron Bay, and in late 2024, we’ll be welcoming 4 magnificent residences in this breathtaking location.”

One sold (for $6.5 mill in May, 2022), one to go.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Owen Wright (@owright)

Owen ain’t afraid of playing the real estate game.

You’ll remember the $1.6 million house at Lennox Head with its indoor swimming pool that meandered through the living room,  the Federation-style house in Byron Bay (a little under a million), the beachfront townhouse at Thirroul (675,000) and the gorgeous mountain-top hideaway (bought for 750k, sold for a million).

Byron Bay, howevs, is where Owens is laying his hat, so to speak, a town where he keeps multiple properties and which was once beautifully described as “the apex of the peak for the lifestyle obsessed VAL. A voluptuous lava flow from an ancient volcano protrudes further east into the tepid sub-tropical Pacific than any point on the Australian Mainland. The Bay it circumscribes is lavishly decorated with sand-bottom peelers. No other place on earth is so falsifiably mytho-poetically rhapsodized over by post-modern knowledge workers.”

 

Surf guru Sam George (insert) marvels at his superior. Photo: Flux Magazine
Surf guru Sam George (insert) marvels at his superior. Photo: Flux Magazine

Tributes begin to pour in as beloved surf journalist nears record 5000th post on culturally valuable blog BeachGrit!

Chas Smith

By

Heroes aren't born...

“I haven’t felt like this since Mick Jagger turned 80,” one middle-aged cisgender male surf fan declared after arriving at local Cardiff by the Sea establishment The Office Wednesday afternoon, joining others who had gathered in a spontaneous watch party. “I mean, we knew he was vapid but this vapid for this long? It’s something…”

News had begun to leak earlier in the morning that the award-nominated surf journalist was nearing his 5000th post on the culturally valuable blog BeachGrit. From the first piece, “surfers who weep like gals” published nine years ago and before the exclamation mark was ubiquitous, to the latest “Surf fans in disbelief after astonishing revelation that Kelly Slater energy drink ‘Purps’ still in business!” the aforementioned surf fans have marveled at the Cal Ripken-esque ironman streak.

Stories about Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen, mostly, filled up the middle bits.

With a dash of heavyweight police caller Ashton Goggans.

And his li’l haberdasher.

Surf guru Sam George, desperately trying to catch Smith via soy boy site The Inertia, called in to mark the occasion.

“Mr. Smith,” he began. “What you’ve published are the most insanely idiotic things anyone has ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent career as a ‘surf journalist’ were you even close to producing anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in surf is now dumber for having read you. May God have mercy on your soul.”

4974, minus a few erased on account of excessive “shocking content,” and counting.

Purchase candles for next week’s line crossing.

Kelly Slater (left and right) drinking with a purpose. Photo: Facebook
Kelly Slater (left and right) drinking with a purpose. Photo: Facebook

Surf fans in disbelief after astonishing revelation that Kelly Slater’s energy drink “Purps” still in business!

Chas Smith

By

Purps it forward.

Living in the future is, at times, surreal. FedEx electric delivery trucks driving around looking straight out of Hill Valley circa 2015, Singapore-based digital asset managers sponsoring the U.S. Open of Surfing, sitting in Delta Premium Select, sipping Grey Goose + Soda, half-watching Taika Waititi’s Boy while scrolling Instagram DMs while opening one reading “Purps is still around?” while spitting Grey Goose + Soda on Taika Waititi’s Boy out of shock.

Who knew?

The Kelly Slater + RVCA boss Pat Tenore + mysterious “Dr. Purps” energy drink came online around the same time as your favorite “shocking content” surf website BeachGrit. I remember Derek Rielly ordering a whole case for me in those heady early years. If I recall, I was supposed to take cans to scientists and test if the super-berry beverage actually provided any secret energy, as claimed, other than just a sugar spike.

It stayed in my garage until one of the cans burst and I threw it all away.

In any case, I assumed it all went out of business some five years ago. I have never once seen anyone drinking a Purps. I have never once seen it in a store.

But here it is with an origin story reading:

It’s simple; we started Purps because we wanted to develop premium nutrition products that are better choices for our daily routine, with the greater mission of inspiring and educating our youth to adopt a healthy lifestyle with the Purps It Forward organization.

The Purps Founders are world-class innovators, with a commonality as advocates for health in their own lives and for others. The Founders are passionate about the Purps mission. Purps products are designed with a purpose using premium ingredients, with no artificial colors, no artificial flavors and no preservatives. Purps advocates are committed to inspiring and educating our youth to adopt a healthy lifestyle with the Purps It Forward organization.

And available at a 7-11 on 204 E. 17th St. in Costa Mesa, Ca 92627 USA

Purps it forward?

Ranking Kelly Slater’s many business ventures, from K-Grips to Endorfins to magical turtle moon sandals, where do you think Purps ranks in terms of success?

Also, have you watched Boy?

It’s good.

Photo: Jack English
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