John John, left, and Matthew McConaughey examine the ride post facto.

Matthew McConaughey clashes with John John Florence at Kelly Slater’s $1000-per wave Surf Ranch!

But blink and you’ll miss!

It’s been three weeks since Matthew McConaughey, star of Surfer, Dude, and The Beach Bum, delivered his spine-tingling world title showdown speech to Griffin Colapinto.

Hey Griff, I want to get your ear before you get all in your head about this world title business. I want to share a perspective that has helped a lot of my dreams come true.

It’s called be less impressed and more involved. You see, when we are just impressed our dreams are nothing but fairytale dust clouds that we bend our neck to see and never grab a-hold of.

But, where we’re involved, we grab a-hold of those clouds. We grab that fairy dust. We look ‘em in the eye and make ‘em a reality.

You see, this moment that you are in, right now, right here, is a classic yin and yang. It’s a balance of make it happen, let it come. The reason…and… the rhyme. The balance of the engineered and the mystical.

And, the hard work and the dedication and the principals and the goals you have committed to, you engineered those. A hundred percent fact! And the mystical, that stuff that sends you a set wave you need with fifteen seconds on the clock in the final heat of the final event. That out-of-body stuff at that precise moment you need an 8.89 to decide the world title and you surf your way to a nine. Yeah! You gotta keep your antenna tuned to that music as well!

Now, look, it is no accident that you are here right now. Hell, you called your shot a long time ago. These heights that you’re on, now this is your new normal. It’s where you belong. On the way to where you are going!

So remember, how you got here, look this moment in the eye, and own it. Cause the roof is a manmade thing, Griff, and…you…have no lid.



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History tells us that not even the fiery words of the Academy Award-winning actor could inspire the San Clementine to unseat world champ Filipe Toledo in the little waves.

Now, Daddy McConaughey, who is fifty-three, has been spotted at the WSL-owned Surf Ranch clashing with two-time world champ John John Florence.

Using the medium of Strider Wasilewski’s Instagram we are privy to McConaughey flexing his goofyfooter bona fides on a soft foam surfboard, handling the wave as smoothly as if he was operating an elevator. One flick of his famous hips and McConaughey floats off the back of the wave. His sex appeal runs out of his pores and oils his skin.

And, here, John John Florence, uses a jetski step-off to claim the wave, the view of his surfing so extraordinary that it is hard to do anything but stare at the screen silently.

Not WSL colour commentator Strider Wasilewski, oft noted for his vicious steroidal tits, of course.

“Bingo Bango Surf Ranch Tango…. Let the good times roll!” says Strider emphatically.



Local knows Local. Photo: 50 First Dates
Local knows Local. Photo: 50 First Dates

Ex-husband of Britney Spears and recent Hawaii transplant Kevin Federline makes bold political statement during surf-adjacent beach stroll!

Local kine only.

Have you ever dreamed of leaving it all behind and absconding to Hawaii? Toes in sand, fresh spam musubi in hand, watching the sun turn the sky the most beautiful watercolor painting ever hung. Yes, the most isolate archipelago on earth has its charm, its allure, and whether the dreamer happens to be a surfer, or merely the ex-husband of Britney Spears, there is something for everyone.

Let us take the case of Kevin Federline, though. Former dancer, father of the aforementioned Spears’ two sons. The 45-year-old just recently packed his family of four up and settled down in the Aloha State. None have been seen until yesterday when Federline and his new wife, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince, were snapped strolling the beach, seemingly very much in love. She in light blue triangle bikini top and black bottoms.

He in a political statement.

Yes, the just-south-of-fit brunette covered himself in a black t-shirt featuring pink writing reading “Keep Lahaina Lands in Lahaina Hands.”

See here.

But you are certainly aware of the devastating fires that burned Maui’s most historic town all the way to the ground, killing nearly 100. In the aftermath, much rage percolated over interlopers who had come to the Valley Isle, buying up large tracts of land. Famous sorts like Oprah Winfrey. Then abhorrence bubbled over flim-flam prospectors who came in, waving cash under the noses of those who had lost everything, “relieving” the bereaved of their charred properties.

Ugly business.

Thankfully, their wicked desires were exposed and championed by the likes of Federline and I’d imagine former Lahaina residents are resting easier knowing that the one-time model has their backs.

Local kine only.

But what do you feel about people who move somewhere and then instantly take on its flavor? Relocating to Jackson Hole, say, and immediately purchasing a cowboy hat. Or New Smyrna and wearing boxer briefs underneath trunks.

Something to think about.

Closeted during lifetime but Duke was queer underneath hetero-swagger says artificial intelligence.

AI showpiece Chat GPT celebrates father of surfing Duke Kahanamoku as sport’s greatest gay icon!

"The most magnificent human male God ever put on the earth"

Yesterday, while having a little chat with Kanga Cairns about the savages controlling the levers of power and the infallibly of Elon Musk, I got bored by my own voice and started fiddling on my computer asking ChatGPT to “Name some famous gay surfers.” 

It’s a modern parlour game that I enjoy very much and I often post the results on these pages.

Last time, the bio of Greg Noll, one of the first surfers to charge Waimea Bay, had been expanded to include his role as a 2SLGBTQ+ pioneer. 

“Greg Noll, a legendary big wave surfer from the 1960s, is also known for being openly gay. His contributions to the sport and his activism have left a lasting impact on the surfing community.”

Before that, while researching tranny surfers, you know how I like my trannies – those elfin faces, the flashy sexpot outfits – I was informed that Tia Blanco and Keala Kennelly had switched from man to gal. 

One of the most well-known transgender surfers is Keala Kennelly, a professional surfer from Hawaii. Keala came out as a transgender woman in 2018 and has been open about her experiences as a trans woman in the surfing industry. She is a big wave surfer and has won several awards for her surfing skills.

Another notable transgender surfer is Tia Blanco, a professional surfer from Puerto Rico. Tia is a non-binary surfer who has competed in the World Surf League and has won several national and international surfing competitions.

Greg, fruity underneath the he-man persona, Keala, gay, so I understand the mixup, Tia, not so much.

But the Duke?

“While not openly gay during his lifetime due to the social norms of his era, Duke Kahanamoku is a legendary figure in surfing,” says AI. “He is often regarded as the father of modern surfing and was also an Olympic swimmer. He is celebrated for his contributions to both sports.”

Did you know? Or yet another brutal fail by the tech that’s gonna kill us all?

Kelly and Mick, post sharkie at J-bay and, main photo, looking across to Shippies. | Photo: Inset by WSL

Millionaire surfers Kelly Slater and Mick Fanning called on to buy and preserve 100-acre coastal parcel built on track that leads to Shipstern Bluff!

Will new owner close access to track that leads to world's most sadistic wave?

If you’ve ever walked the eight clicks into Shipstern Bluff, a wave you might correctly describe as one of the world’s great sadists, you would’ve strolled through a fine one-hundred acre property fringed by national parks and which is now listed for sale for well under one million American dollars. 

This owner of this homestead and land at 888 Stormlea Road, Tasmania, has long allowed surfers access through his piece of pristine wilderness to access a wave that is now a popular stop for slab hunters. The new owner? Who knows. 

It’s a compelling sell. 

“This is a unique opportunity to secure a parcel of land adjoining crown owned National Park on two boundaries which is home to priority vegetation, flora and fauna, this incredible parcel of land is a generational investment. With an established dwelling in site to renovate or extend to suit your own needs, the ground work has been done. Set up to be fully off-grid, the property does have mains power connection but can run sustainably on its own.

“The gardens have developed over decades and there is an established fruit tree orchard with 20 assorted varieties along with 20 mature trees with could sustain a small dried berry business.”

The joint next store has approval for an eco-resort, whatever the hell that means, green sheds and a few solar panels maybe, but have yet to turn a sod. 

“The property could be purchased by someone seeking a private lifestyle, a developer that wants to work on a tourism venture, or perhaps someone looking to preserve the environmental status of the property,” says the agent. “There is a range of potential buyers.”

Be real nice to keep it lo-fi, buy some exotic animals, build a moto track etc.

Attack Gal and comic icon Pauly Shore! | Photo: Frame grab from Encino Man

Wild scenes at LA’s El Porto beach as woman stabs surfboard of Encino Man Pauly Shore’s nephew!

“To pull a knife, that was alarming. She walked down the beach and did that premeditated, wasn’t a heat of the moment type thing."

If you’re old enough to have operated a television set in the nineties, you’ll know, and maybe have loved to death, the pint-sized Jewish actor and comic from Beverley Hills, Pauly Shore.

Encino Man, Bio-Dome, In the Army Now, Jury Duty might’ve been hit with “sharply negative” reviews and Shore did win Worst New Star of the year for Encino Man, but the people adored Shore.

If the moon was in the right quarter and the winds were blowing just the right number of miles from the east, he was untouchable.

Then Pauly’s star waned. His shtick, once edgy, grew stale.

Hollywood, always eager for the next warm body, preferably teen or younger, moved on, leaving Pauly Shore washed up alongside other nineties icons Christian Slater, Alicia Silverstone and Macaulay Culkin.

Now, a fifteen-year-old ripper from El Porto beach in LA, reportedly a nephew of Shore’s, has had his board stabbed by a woman after the pair clashed in the water, the kid filming, poorly it might be added, the exchange.

El Porto Girls will cut ya.. adult girl attacks 15 year old boy.
byu/Prestigious_Syrup636 insurfing

Prestigious Syrup 636, who posted the video, writes:

“The 15 year old is a competition level surfer. The girl lets just say is not. From what i gathered from some surfline rewind cam vid is they bumped boards as they took off right next to each other. You hear him say ‘you bailed your board’. He made the wave she didnt. I think she got a ding in her board and got out of water. There is cam footage of The kid getting out to apologize and tried to offer to get her board fixed but she didnt want to talk and was yelling at him and went to her car and got that knife or whatever it is.. i been surfing porto for over 20years never seen that chick before. That kid is good kid maybe a bit aggressive In wave count but he gets alot of waves because he good at surfing. Hes got some sponsorship and rides for jon lalaane surfboards. He’s actually the nephew or something of comedian Pauly Shore. He was way more polite then i would have been especially at 15. The cops were called but she was gone and they said there was nothing they could do. Haven’t seen girl back at porto since but we haven’t had waves there in a while Now.. being a little cunt or not shes an adult hes a kid and to pull a knife or whatever that was is alarming. She walked down the beach and did that premeditated wasn’t a heat of the moment type thing.”

You like ’em feisty? I sure do.