World Surf League chiefs perplexed after Steven Spielberg declares: “Surfing the sandworms is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Ever!”

By Chas Smith

9 months ago

Did he mean Winkipop?

The Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach got underway two short days ago and surf fans would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to know, by now, that it was the world’s first surf contest. Celebrating its 50th year, the iconic splash fight began as something of a novelty expected to last three years, if one is to believe Vaughan Dead. Now in its fifth decade, the Goons of Doom lead bassist declares it will go on for eternity.

It is understandable, then, that any surf news coming out of this particular calendar window must be related, directly, to the dramas occurring down those iconic steps (feat. the names of past winners, if you can believe) and into the bowl where wind wrecked chubsters beckon.

World Surf League chiefs, therefore, rightly confused when the world’s most prolific blockbuster film director, Steven Spielberg, cryptically referenced the Sport of Queens in an interview. Self-crowned the “global home of surfing,” the flailing organization has attempted to mainstream competitive water sliding since purchased for free by trust funded billionaire Dirk Ziff back in 2015 circa 1976.

A big coup, then, when South Africa’s Matthew McGillivray was featured soaring on a Bells banger in The Guardian’s “Pictures of the Day” between a starving Palestinian boy and aid being dropped into the Gaza Strip.

But the aforementioned confusion when Spielberg openly declared, “Surfing the sandworms is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Ever!”

World Surf League Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer certainly hurrying to the Oxford Dictionary of Modern Slang in order to suss out which Championship Tour stop is referred to as “sandworms” by locals.

Any help would be appreciated.

Bells likely off today so the six hours watching mid face cutbacks can be spent researching.

Huzzah.

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Dylan Graves (left) and Jed Smith lookalikes down in the dreggs.

Byron Bay surfers in mourning after beloved music festival Splendour in the Grass cancelled without warning

By Chas Smith

9 months ago

Heartbreaking.

Tears in modern Australian utopia Byron Bay, this morning. A big sad energy. The bucolic costal enclave’s surfers woke up from lavender dreams to the worst news imaginable. Racing to breakfast nooks, sun dappling great grandma’s obviously vintage tablecloth, the impossibly beautiful volume enthusiasts found it almost impossible to enjoy toasted artisan sourdough yum yum, poached free range eggs, sprinkled with pink Himalayan sea salt, even tree-ripened avocados from Chris Hemsworth’s backyard.

Splendour in the Grass, you see, had been cancelled.

The yearly music festival that allowed the region’s blessed to micro dose mushrooms while swaying to the majestic chord progressions of Tame Impala has been a staple of paradise since 2001. The three day festival has drawn the likes of Negatron’s cousin Lorde and Vance Joy with former BeachGrit writer Longtom’s goats once wandering over from neighboring Lennox Heads.

Per the Australian Broadcasting Corporation:

In a statement on its Instagram page, the festival said it would be “taking the year off”, and that ticket holders would be refunded “automatically” by ticket retailer Moshtix.

The co-CEOs of Splendour organiser Secret Sounds, Jessica Ducrou and Paul Piticco, said in a statement to media they were “heartbroken” to share the news, and added they “hope to be back in the future”.

The line up, which had featured Australian music legend Kylie Minogue and obviously vintage Canadian indie band Arcade Fire, had only been announced earlier this month.

Splendour is the latest festival to call it quits in 2024, with regional touring event Groovin the Moo pulling the pin in February. Several smaller festivals have also been cancelled.

Australian folk duo The Dreggs, who were due to play on Splendour’s main stage for the first time, told Hack they only learned of the cancellation minutes before the news became public.

Unmentioned was The Goons of Doom.

Which, speaking of, yesterday, I was watching the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach. Vaughan Deadly, the Goons lead bassist, was in the booth alongside Joe Turpel and Felicity Palmateer and had me properly LOLing which, in turn, made me even more angry at the World Surf League. Keep Joe. Whatever. But mixing Jesse Mendes in as “color?”

What sort of WSL dippity-doos are in charge of casting there in the veterinarian office? I’m certain Vaughan was a Rip Curl addition.

Should Rip Curl just take over the tour entirely?

More as that story develops.

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Surf journalist cited as “Kelly Slater’s secret weapon” following 52-year-old’s historic heat win at Bells Beach

By Derek Rielly

9 months ago

“What did Kelly need? I sat back as a surf journalist and thought, the man needs spite! Kelly Slater needs spite!"

It will come as no surprise to followers of BeachGrit and fans of Chas Smith that his multi-medium attacks on Kelly Slater have been revealed as a ruse to push the greatest-ever surfer into hitherto unseen levels of performance.

In the latest episode of Chas Smith Hates Surfing, the Cardiff-based linguistics professor says he was motivated by a desire to prove that age is unimportant even at the highest levels of sport.

“Today we find ourselves in a historic moment for yesterday the fifty-five-year-old from Coco Beach Kelly Slater won…a surf heat. History said this was not supposed to happen. That a man above certain age is no longer able to perform at the highest levels, to win surfing competitions, or running or rowing or tennis or ping pong competitions.

“It’s a young man’s game, all games, apparently.

“We, the ageing, then, are forced to say, I guess so, and that getting older means getting irrelevant, just passing time until you fall into an open grave. Sad, depressing, downright bleak.

“And here we have Kelly. I saw him coming down the pipe and said, Kelly Slater is going to be the one who sends everything on its head. Kelly Slater, flipping the script.

“But what does he need? He hasn’t won in a year or more! It seemed over. It seemed dark.

“What did Kelly need? I sat back as a surf journalist and thought, the man needs spite! Kelly needs spite! So I began a campaign declaring he would never win another heat in his career, that we had witnessed the last professional win of the Kelly Slater era knowing that these little seeds get planted in the greatest ever’s heart. And a spite tree grows!

Kelly Slater spite tree — Chas Smith helps Kelly Slater build spite tree.

“It takes a village to build a GOAT, as the great Hillary Rodham Carter once said. I knew I had work to do, paint the story, re-engage the story, get this story to have a traction for Kelly Slater to win a heat.”

Chas Smith also used the same technique to ensure Kelly Slater fathered a boy.

And, here we are.

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"I know at times you found it hard to find your happy place. It warms my heart to know you found it these last few years. To hear the excitement in your voice each time we talked filled me with hope."

Mick Fanning posts emotional tribute to late brother Ed, “I wish you could accept all the love people would give you.”

By Derek Rielly

9 months ago

“Ed you had the biggest heart and were too loyal for your own good.”

The three-time world champ Mick Fanning has posted a long and emotional tribute to his brother Ed, who died at a surf camp n Madagascar two days ago.

Ed Fanning was Mick’s last surviving brother. Older brother Peter died of an enlarged heart in 2015 and his other brother Sean died in a car accident in Coolangatta when Mick was seventeen.

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A post shared by Mick Fanning (@mfanno)

“Love you my brother,” writes Mick. “You taught me so much over the years about everything that life could deal up. The good and the bad you were my teacher. You introduced us all to surfing, the joy and freedom of riding a wave. The meaning of going to the ends of the earth to find waves to following a passion in the belief that surfing could be that ultimate job. As the years went on you would fall in and out of the ocean but your pure talent would always shine through. To where you ended up in teaching kids the joy of riding a wave. With out you I’m not sure what the world would of made of me so Thank you 🙏🏼

“Ed you had the biggest heart and were too loyal for your own good. Always sticking up for the underdog and caring for those who needed help. You gave everyone everything you had, and if you didn’t have it you’d still give it to them. You made your friends feel like super heroes and gave so many people the funniest memories that will last a life time.

“I know at times you found it hard to find your happy place. It warms my heart to know you found it these last few years. To hear the excitement in your voice each time we talked filled me with hope.

“I wish you could accept all the love people would give you. You weren’t perfect but no one wanted you to be. We just loved Ed. The Larikin who would throw a Shaka in every photo and would scream yeeeeew at the top of his lungs. As you dance down that final road into that eternal sunset please know we all love you mate. 🤙🏼🤙🏼 YEEEEEEEEEWWW HAHA🤙🏼🤙🏼

“Thank you to all the family and friends that have shown us love and supported us during this difficult time. And thank you to Ed’s family and friends in Madagascar that showed him happiness is real. Much love.”

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Open Thread: Comment Live on Day Two of the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach!

Eat beach grit spam!