Kelly Slater trolled at Kirra
Kelly Slater, tour truant, trolled at Kirra.

Tour truant Kelly Slater accosted by Instagram troll at Kirra

Derek Rielly

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“You’re not that flat-earther are ya?”

One of the better online trolls is the Australian Willem “Powerfish” Ungermann whom we last celebrated three years ago for his brave attempt to smash surfing’s “entrenched homophobia and patriarchal power structures” via beach theatre and Jackass-style pranks.

Willem Powerfish, wearing a Mexican wrestler’s mask and full-body lycra, terrorised a D-Bah line-up on his bodyboard, at one point accepting a beach fight only to drop to his knees and tell his surprised fellow duellist, 

“I’ll suck you dry, mate.”

Between waves, he said to one surfer “I fucked a bloke like you once”, another, “You’re lucky my dad Rex isn’t here, he’d smash your pelvis”, another, “Heard of the Bra Boys? We’re the Flatty Boys. Instead of going around bashing cunts, we fuck ’em”, another, “You know why I like surfing? When guys wear wetties and I can see their dick”, another he asks if he’s seen Ross Clarke-Jones’ cock and says, “I’ve fucking sucked it dry.”

(Willam is also known for his philanthropy, recently delivering five thousand dollars to shoppers at a regional supermarket. Watch here.)

Last year he was slammed by surf fans after a faked drowning. 

Commenters on the post went one of two ways. 

“Typical Aussie attitude, sit on your ass and watch.”’

“There is plenty of things you can do to help a human in distress or a life threatening situation than filming it!! Put yourself into action in any way you can help build a community quickly not content!!”

Terrific fun and many important messages.

Now, and after accosting anti-flat earther and tour truant Kelly Slater in the lineup Willem bellows, “You’re not that flat earther are ya?

Kelly Slater responds, “You got the wrong guy.” 

Essential.

Mick Fanning makes eco-surfboard.
"Yes, you heard that right," says Mick Fanning of groundbreaking foam surfboard.

Mick Fanning proves environmental bona fides with release of “groundbreaking” eco-softboard

Derek Rielly

By

"I'm Mick Fanning and I've got some great news for anyone passionate about saving the planet."

Just days after announcing the termination of his multi-decade contract with Red Bull, Mick Fanning has proved his environmental bona fides with an earth-friendly foam surfboard, putting him alongside another great eco-warrior Kelly Slater.

Kelly Slater’s latest crusade to save the world, his other green-projects include making wave pools in desert communities and a clothing brand, is the “sustainable and performance driven” footwear brand Klly, which makes eight-nine dollar sandals that can “stand up to the rigors of daily wear and outdoor adventures and at the same time, helps to reduce the environmental impact of the fashion industry.”

“I think about big things in the world a lot and for me it’s difficult to see and be ok with it. When you become aware of something but then you don’t know how to fix it, that’s when it becomes frustrating,” Kelly Slater told Tracks.

“I try and raise awareness with social media. I wish there was more time for myself to be able to just focus only on that. All the rivers in my hometown right now have completely been destroyed by the sugar cane and fertilizer industries. All the fish in the river outside my house just died, every single fish. The whole river is completely filled with floating fish right now, for miles and miles and miles. It’s the saddest thing you will ever see. I have just seen pictures and it makes me wanna cry.”

Mick Fanning’s gift to the environment is the “first-ever softboard to be certified as a level 1 eco-board by @sustainsurf.”

“Yes you heard that right,” reads Mick Fanning in a piece to camera.

“Hi there, I’m Mick Fanning and today I’ve got some great news to share with anyone who’s passionate about surfing and saving our planet.

“As surfers we have a unique connection to the ocean etc.

“We’re the first to see the changes in the ocean and it’s our duty to protect the waters etc.”

Mick Fanning isn’t entirely new to the green game.

He has parlayed his millions into a wildly diverse series of environmentally gentle businesses including “ethical” dog food brand Scratch, biotech company Sea Forest, a burger chain Fritzenberger and a Byron Bay yoga studio.

Yang Siqi, surf Olympian
Yang SIqi, fourteen-year-old surf Olympian, inset, and get psyched CCP poster.

Chinese Reds pour millions into surfing as 14-year-old prodigy Yang Siqi qualifies for Paris 2024

Derek Rielly

By

The Chinese Communist Party have left no stone unturned, no child unexamined, in their quest for Olympic surfing greatness.

The commies sure do like a slug of international prestige and the Olympics is to dictatorships and totalitarian regimes what fentanyl is to the vagabonds of San Francisco. 

Hitler in ’36, testosterone-fuelled East German gals and Russians filled to the gills with steroids in the eighties. There ain’t greater proof of an idealogical superiority than domination in world sport. 

And the Chinese Communist Party, rulers of the most resilient one-party state in the world, have left no stone unturned, no child unexamined, in their search for Olympic greatness, in whatever form it comes even surf. 

Under the tutelage of the world’s first pro surfing champ Australian Peter Townend and former Team Japan coach South African Wade Sharp, the westerners have taken kids who’ve never seen the ocean and helped produce China’s first-ever surf Olympian, the fourteen-year-old prodigy Yang Siqi, often miswritten as Siqi Yang.

She ain’t Caity Simmers yet but Yang Siqi draws a good line, hits the lip pretty square, can throw the tail and ain’t so far off landing straight airs.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Siqi Yang (@siqiyang24)

Yang Siqi, who’ll be the youngest surf Olympian in the field, began surfing in 2018 and will be thrown to the wolves at Teahupoo for the four-day Olympic event which runs over four days during a nine-day window beginning July 27.

The Chinese have thrown three million American dollars at Paris 2024, up from a mill for Tokyo in 2020.

The money is used to train hundred of kids, taking ‘em on surf trips around the world, five months in total in 2023, and buying ‘em all boards from the best American and Australian shapers including the legendary Jason Stevenson although, mysteriously, none by the world’s greatest shaper Johnny Cabianca. 

Inspirational etc.

@peoplesdaily_renminribao Yang Siqi made a breakthrough for China after securing her Olympic berth at the #WorldSurfingGames in Arecibo, #PuertoRico, on Friday. Yang, 14, will be the first Chinese surfer to compete in the #OlympicGames since the sport made its debut at the #TokyoOlympics ♬ original sound – People’s Daily 人民日报

USA Surfing ends “The Great Homeschool Experiment,” partners with Colorado State University to provide “advancement opportunities” for left behind learners

Chas Smith

By

Cruise ship hospitality management, here one-time surf dreamers come.

It seems like just yesterday that beach adjacent parents could pull their little surfer son, or daughter, out of school if he, or she, could kick an air reverse before the age of ten and all but guarantee their young charge a low six-figure job first as a qualifying series “hopeful” then as a brand rep.

Alas, yesterday and all surf-related opportunities seem so far away. Now, all the brands are owned by one of two management companies which, both, only sponsor top-tier talent for a fraction of the price and don’t need reps because Costco. Parents and children, caught flat footed by the sudden change are now looking down the barrel of illiteracy for illiteracy’s sake.

The air-reverse market straight dried up.

What then are sixteen-year-olds without education to do?

Besides surf instruct.

Thankfully USA Surfing has peered out into the desolate future and is deciding to act before the retardé flood the already-strained welfare system. In a first-of-kind move, the International Surfing Association recognized governing body has partnered with Colorado State University’s online portal, CSU Global, to “provide opportunities for professional advancement and access to its online programs anywhere in the world with an internet connection.”

Cruise ship hospitality management, here one-time surf dreamers come.

“We are honored to partner on USA Surfing’s mission to support members in their educational and professional goals,” Dr. Becky Takeda-Tinker, President at CSU Global, told the school’s PR team. “Since inception, CSU Global has continued to evolve to meet the changing needs of its modern learners, providing not only high-quality programs taught by industry-experienced and academically qualified instructors but also the 1:1 support and resources our students need to succeed whenever and from wherever their busy lives take them. As global citizens, USA Surfing’s members are the type of learners who will uniquely benefit from our flexible fully online programs and services, and we would like to thank HCM Strategists and its CEO and Founding Partner Kristin Hultquist for making this connection possible and for their continued support of higher education innovation.”

“USA Surfing is stoked to partner with CSU Global to offer surfers a valuable opportunity to boost their earning power and careers in and out of the water,” added USA Surfing executive director Becky Fleischauer Jewell, making sure to include “stoke” in the first line. “Traditional college hasn’t always fit a competitive surfer’s schedule competing around the world on mother nature’s timetable. As a result, many surfers miss out on gaining college learning opportunities and credits toward degrees that lead to good-paying jobs in and outside the surf industry.”

But do imagine that San Clemente’s third and fourth finest will quickly enroll or will they, rather, take Ms. Jewell’s lead and blame mother nature for a life poorly lived?

More, certainly, as the story develops.

Core lord snowboard event demonstrates how World Surf League might spice up its “utterly unsexy” competition seeding!

Chas Smith

By

Simple and free.

Let us be very frank and honest with each other. The World Surf League is so bad in its role as the “global home of surfing”  that it has even stripped the joy out of fun making. Everything, and I mean everything, is wrong with the farcical show other than the fact that it airs to YouTube for free. Or airs to YouTube for free until final’s days which are magically ported to the worldsurfleague.com and its wonky funk.

It is unnecessary to recount the bloat, missing multiple live waves every single heat, inane booth chatter etc. but what regularly gets me is that none of it ever changes. The various World Surf League chiefs treat it all as if God, after handing Moses the Ten Commandments atop Mt. Sinai, also passed along the Official Rules and Regulations of Professional Surfing at its Highest Level Never to be Altered or Touched by Human Hands.

Asinine and made perpetually more so when other niche sports do themselves proud by experimenting with stale formats, bending the “established ways” to fit what makes them unique and special as opposed to the other way around.

And let us take snowboarding. As you know, I am currently in Canada searching for depressed Erin Brooks fans. Natural Selection, the core lord snowboarding event, just so happens to be in town and likely running tomorrow. Now, like many bracketed competitions, riders go head to head, sans repechage, but how to seed? In the old ways wherein highest ranked goes against lowest ranked because that is the way God intended?

No.

Natural Selection hosts an event at the kickoff of the window, introducing all riders then randomly selecting a name. The winner gets to choose when he/she wants to drop. At the beginning, it is mostly about timing but as the draw fills, it becomes about whom the selected think she/he can beat.

The glove slap across face receiving oooohs and aaaaahs from a captive audience.

But what if professional surfing plagiarized? How much more fun would it be to see John John Florence pick his foe instead of simply going up against some low ranked cannon fodder? To see Italo Ferreira dancing the samba while pointing at Griffin Colapinto?

Too bad the World Surf League cannot change anything.

Ever.

Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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