Question: Does Elon Musk quietly loathe chubby surfers?

Strong evidence presented.

The death of surf a business is often times, a mirror of our own earthly existence and eventual demise. More often than not, it is a slow and gradual decline until the body can no longer function, everyone knows it is coming, and is therefore emotionally prepared for it. In this instance, the trademark and branding might be shorn from the body (e.g., the Authentic Brands portfolio) and worn about by someone else, much like a pre-Columbian Aztec priest stepping into and adorning the flayed skin of a ritually sacrificed prisoner of war.

Other times (e.g., Clark Foam), someone might just decide to punch their own ticket without warning while leaving dependents and loved ones wondering why, sadly confused, and perhaps blaming themselves.

Alternatively, something abrupt might occur beyond anyone’s control, and the body ceases to exist rather quickly by virtue of some catastrophe and/or an aggressively fatal medical condition. The sudden demise of Varial foam announced publicly on April 6th but non-publicly known to USA West Coast shapers for at least a couple months ostensibly appears to be in this third category.

This has seriously bummed me out as an average surfer given that Varial was by far the best all-around board construction (trust me, I’ve tried them all) for average surfers surfing average waves in terms of performance, longevity, and durability. Sure, their price tag was between $200 – $300 more than a PU board, but they last exponentially longer and don’t ever go dead.

As a heavy surfer, I have abused my Varials on the daily without them creasing or the boards losing their flex/spring, while preserving my PU boards for prime conditions and/or travel. These boards also handle chop far better than EPS and don’t become a kite in offshore conditions.

It is nevertheless understandable why this construction never caught on with the pros or in the competitive context. In spite of its other advantages, Varial was a slow moving foam that didn’t respond quite as quickly as a PU or EPS. But slow moving surfers (i.e., yours truly and 99% of other surfers) aren’t going to be held back by a limitation that was never going to apply to our skill set in the first place.

So how did a company that has been in existence for nearly two decades and holds two patents go belly up almost overnight?

According to its farewell email to customers, Varial’s “partner” in the aerospace industry through which it was sourcing and/or licensing the foam decided that it was done with producing the foam for non-aerospace sporting applications.

I, however, am not buying this given Varial’s owners’ affiliation with SpaceX, an Elon Musk owned company. Granted, I have no idea whether or not SpaceX was actually the supplier, but the timing of this coupled with the disastrous roll out of the Tesla (another Musk-owned entity) Cybertruck certainly cannot be a coincidence.

SpaceX also did not reply to my email inquiry on the matter, so there is clearly something that is being covered up here. And, Musk is precisely the kind of guy who would create an elaborate distraction in killing off Varial foam to draw the public’s attention away from the fact that Cybertrucks are breaking down the moment they drive off the dealership lot.

So, I think it’s safe to say that, without question, Elon Musk killed Varial. Goddamn you, Elon Musk.

Will this board construction ever be available again through a different supplier? It’s hard to say. I certainly hope so. Perhaps Elon might be convinced to work with a certain 11-time world champion to have child slave laborers in Thailand start popping out Varial-constructed boards. These wheels might even be greased by Elon’s fellow South Africans such as Jordy Smith and/or Mathew “Did You Know He Base Jumps?” McGillivray pleading the case for Varial (though Shaun Tomson probably wouldn’t move the needle in that regard given Musk’s history of casual antisemitism).

For now, however, all I can do is to cherish the moments I have with my current small quiver of Varials with the time I have left with them (and the time they have left with me), and hope that Elon Musk does not someday come for them too. This is as much as any of us can do with the time we have with our loved ones.

Car stolen at D-Bah

Wild scenes on Gold Coast as surfer’s 4WD stolen in front of him before nearly hitting baby in pram!

"What about the dad with a pram and his kid in it having to dive down into the sand dunes just to get away from this f**king crim."

It may cost two or three or five mill to buy an apartment around these parts, just ask Josh Kerr, but it don’t mean the Gold Coast’s southern shank ain’t a gaudy Sodom and Gomorrah undestroyed thus far by God only because there’s worse places which call for immediate elimination. 

Duranbah Beach, which is officially Flagstaff Beach and in New South Wales not Queensland thereby not exactly the Gold Coast, is the beachbreak that feeds surfers when swells don’t bend into the famous points. 

If you were to stroll through the nearby town of Tweed Heads at night you’d enjoy the smell of cheap perfume, takeout food, stale alcohol and vomit. Men squint angrily at the world as if they expect to be attacked at any moment and from any direction; women squeeze their fat into iridescent outfits which leave no contour unstated. 

Fighting and thievery are par for this particular course and therefore it was without surprise to be entertained this morning by video of a surfer’s four wheel drive being stolen from the D-Bah carpark as the surfer chases it on foot. 

“How’s this shit at D-Bah this afternoon,” says Nick, “hype guy and surf reporter.”

“These guys get out of the surf and some prick had broken their lock box and stolen their car…but what about the dad down the road with a pram and his kid in it having to carry it and dive down into the sand dunes just to get away from this fucking crim.”

“She was asleep in the pram and I always for a walk around Duranbah, but I saw that something was wrong – a few guys start screaming and I saw the car coming in my direction on the sidewalk,” Daddy Roger Grassi told Today.

“And I just said, ‘Oh my God’ and it was super quick and I just went into survival mode to try and save my little one’s life – it was super scary, I’m still shaking… It was absolutely insane, I just hope this guy is already in jail and can never be allowed to drive again.”

Cops located the four wheel drive at the nearby Tweed City Mall, courtesy of the surfer’s phone being left in the back seat. 

The thief is still on the run, howevs.


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Folding surfboard (pictured with flush hinges) back to kill.
Folding surfboard (pictured with flush hinges) back to kill.

Clueless VALs trapped in death spiral as folding surfboards trend!

So long, VALs. We hardly knew you.

The vulnerable adult surf learner bubble, growing, growing, growing since the world went through a very, very scary pandemic, has long been seen an anomaly. Unpoppable. But if the internet, crypto, property values in Palm Springs have taught us anything, it is that unpoppable doesn’t exist.

And now the VAL is in real trouble.

Refusing to learn anything about surf etiquette or history, the thirty-plus crowd who discovered this Sport of Kings whilst remote working, is falling in love with foldable surfboards.

These atrocities have been attempting to infiltrate surf for years. Quarter page advertisements for “lego boards” once used to litter the rear ends of surf magazines though subscribers outside Oklahoma instantly wrote off as gimmicky and stupid.

The new lot, though, has not received the vaccine, as it were.

New Old Spice adjacent video spots has them clamoring for the ease, the function, the clear, to them, evolution in surf craft.

It, of course, will lead to their demise. Bogging worse than they ever did on Wavestorms, if such a horror can even be conjured. Surfing becoming not only uncomfortable but lame.

And, thus, goodbye, VAL.

We hardly knew you.

Iconic Silver Surfer to be played by Julia Garner (left) while surf traditionalists rage (right).
Iconic Silver Surfer to be played by Julia Garner (left) while surf traditionalists rage (right).

Surfing’s emboldened anti-trans activists made freshly furious after revelation Silver Surfer to be played by woman in upcoming film!

"Ain't Silver Surfer a Kelly Slater-lookin' dude?"

Surfing’s anti-trans movement, riding a wave of successes after causing a massive dip in Bud Light sales and forcing wetsuit maker Rip Curl to apologize for using the thoroughly modern and inspirational Sasha Jane Lowerson as cheeky ambassador, was left stunned, in recent days, after the revelation that the much-loved comic book character Silver Surfer will be played by a woman in the just-announced Fantastic Four reboot.

Julia Garner, who burst onto the scene as spitfire spewing Ruth in the popular drama Ozark, will join Pedro Pascal as Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic, Vanessa Kirby as Sue Storm/The Invisible Woman, Joseph Quinn as Johnny Storm/The Human Torch and Ebon Moss-Bachrach as Ben Grimm/The Thing.

Comic book fans are buzzing that the film, slated to be released on July 25, 2025, will be set in a 1960s alternate universe.

Unawaked surf fans, though, furious at the gender bending with one declaring, “Ain’t Silver Surfer a Kelly Slater-lookin’ dude?”

While the Silver Surfer isn’t the first Marvel character whose gender has been changed for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, or MCU, (Captain Marvel’s Mar-Vell is also a man in the comics), but this is considered the most significant example to date.

According to nerds trying to head off the aforementioned surf traditionalists from throwing Marvel comic books on top of Rip Curl trunks on top of Bud Light cases in the backyard bonfire:

Technically, though, Marvel isn’t changing the character’s gender in this case, but rather which character becomes Silver Surfer. Traditionally, Silver Surfer’s origin depicts him as Norrin Radd, an inhabitant of the utopian world of Zenn-La. Zenn-La becomes the latest target of Galactus’ world-devouring hunger, and so Radd agrees to become Galactus’ herald in exchange for sparing Zenn-La and saving the life of his lover, Shalla-Bal.

This Shalla-Bal sounds real suspicious and there are some camps who claim “In a twisted future version of the MCU, Norrin bestows a portion of his power onto Shalla and the two serve as the twin heralds of Galactus (who in this universe is actually a hyper-evolved version of Mister Fantastic and Invisible Woman’s son, Franklin).”

Sounds real suss to me.

Real suss.


John John Florence is the saviour of the surf industry!

Quiksilver, BIllabong, RVCA, Hurley, all garbage! Garbage owned by billionaires!

In today’s episode of Chas Smith Hates Surfing, the vaunted author pockets his imperious rudeness and delivers three minutes of unsparing and unhesitating praise for John John Florence and his brand Florence aka Florence Marine X.

Surf fans are aware of the collapse of the surf industry, Billabong, Quiksilver, RVCA, Hurley, all swallowed by hedge funds.

Pointing to a classic camo Aloha hat by Hurley Chas Smith says, “This used to represent the surf industry. A beautiful place filled with happy creative people making important products for you, the surfer.

“What is it now? Garbage! It is…garbage! Garbage, purchased by billionaires in New York City and other god forsaken places. What do they do? They license it out! Hurley, once proud and iconic, is now selling at Costco for $19.99. Quiksilver, Billabong, all the same garbage.”

But, might there be a saviour?

“It is John John, Pat O’Connell and Bob Hurley, whose name is now tarnished and smeared…Florence Marine X is a core surf brand, making quality surf products for you, the surfer. Florence Marine X has what it takes to recreate the surf industry.

“John John Florence is the saviour of the surf industry. And maybe one less reasons to hate surfing.”

(Launched in 2020, Florence Marine X, but now called Florence, was born out of John John’s departure from Hurley and his vision to create quality surf gear, ready-to-wear-suits, children’s toys, little pink dresses, inspired by his connection with the ocean. With a noted focus on sustainability and innovation, Florence Marine X leaves even environmentalists feeling intoxicated with happiness. )