Question: Does Elon Musk quietly loathe chubby surfers?

Strong evidence presented.

The death of surf a business is often times, a mirror of our own earthly existence and eventual demise. More often than not, it is a slow and gradual decline until the body can no longer function, everyone knows it is coming, and is therefore emotionally prepared for it. In this instance, the trademark and branding might be shorn from the body (e.g., the Authentic Brands portfolio) and worn about by someone else, much like a pre-Columbian Aztec priest stepping into and adorning the flayed skin of a ritually sacrificed prisoner of war.

Other times (e.g., Clark Foam), someone might just decide to punch their own ticket without warning while leaving dependents and loved ones wondering why, sadly confused, and perhaps blaming themselves.

Alternatively, something abrupt might occur beyond anyone’s control, and the body ceases to exist rather quickly by virtue of some catastrophe and/or an aggressively fatal medical condition. The sudden demise of Varial foam announced publicly on April 6th but non-publicly known to USA West Coast shapers for at least a couple months ostensibly appears to be in this third category.

This has seriously bummed me out as an average surfer given that Varial was by far the best all-around board construction (trust me, I’ve tried them all) for average surfers surfing average waves in terms of performance, longevity, and durability. Sure, their price tag was between $200 – $300 more than a PU board, but they last exponentially longer and don’t ever go dead.

As a heavy surfer, I have abused my Varials on the daily without them creasing or the boards losing their flex/spring, while preserving my PU boards for prime conditions and/or travel. These boards also handle chop far better than EPS and don’t become a kite in offshore conditions.

It is nevertheless understandable why this construction never caught on with the pros or in the competitive context. In spite of its other advantages, Varial was a slow moving foam that didn’t respond quite as quickly as a PU or EPS. But slow moving surfers (i.e., yours truly and 99% of other surfers) aren’t going to be held back by a limitation that was never going to apply to our skill set in the first place.

So how did a company that has been in existence for nearly two decades and holds two patents go belly up almost overnight?

According to its farewell email to customers, Varial’s “partner” in the aerospace industry through which it was sourcing and/or licensing the foam decided that it was done with producing the foam for non-aerospace sporting applications.

I, however, am not buying this given Varial’s owners’ affiliation with SpaceX, an Elon Musk owned company. Granted, I have no idea whether or not SpaceX was actually the supplier, but the timing of this coupled with the disastrous roll out of the Tesla (another Musk-owned entity) Cybertruck certainly cannot be a coincidence.

SpaceX also did not reply to my email inquiry on the matter, so there is clearly something that is being covered up here. And, Musk is precisely the kind of guy who would create an elaborate distraction in killing off Varial foam to draw the public’s attention away from the fact that Cybertrucks are breaking down the moment they drive off the dealership lot.

So, I think it’s safe to say that, without question, Elon Musk killed Varial. Goddamn you, Elon Musk.

Will this board construction ever be available again through a different supplier? It’s hard to say. I certainly hope so. Perhaps Elon might be convinced to work with a certain 11-time world champion to have child slave laborers in Thailand start popping out Varial-constructed boards. These wheels might even be greased by Elon’s fellow South Africans such as Jordy Smith and/or Mathew “Did You Know He Base Jumps?” McGillivray pleading the case for Varial (though Shaun Tomson probably wouldn’t move the needle in that regard given Musk’s history of casual antisemitism).

For now, however, all I can do is to cherish the moments I have with my current small quiver of Varials with the time I have left with them (and the time they have left with me), and hope that Elon Musk does not someday come for them too. This is as much as any of us can do with the time we have with our loved ones.