Car stolen at D-Bah

Wild scenes on Gold Coast as surfer’s 4WD stolen in front of him before nearly hitting baby in pram!

Derek Rielly

By

"What about the dad with a pram and his kid in it having to dive down into the sand dunes just to get away from this f**king crim."

It may cost two or three or five mill to buy an apartment around these parts, just ask Josh Kerr, but it don’t mean the Gold Coast’s southern shank ain’t a gaudy Sodom and Gomorrah undestroyed thus far by God only because there’s worse places which call for immediate elimination. 

Duranbah Beach, which is officially Flagstaff Beach and in New South Wales not Queensland thereby not exactly the Gold Coast, is the beachbreak that feeds surfers when swells don’t bend into the famous points. 

If you were to stroll through the nearby town of Tweed Heads at night you’d enjoy the smell of cheap perfume, takeout food, stale alcohol and vomit. Men squint angrily at the world as if they expect to be attacked at any moment and from any direction; women squeeze their fat into iridescent outfits which leave no contour unstated. 

Fighting and thievery are par for this particular course and therefore it was without surprise to be entertained this morning by video of a surfer’s four wheel drive being stolen from the D-Bah carpark as the surfer chases it on foot. 

“How’s this shit at D-Bah this afternoon,” says Nick, “hype guy and surf reporter.”

“These guys get out of the surf and some prick had broken their lock box and stolen their car…but what about the dad down the road with a pram and his kid in it having to carry it and dive down into the sand dunes just to get away from this fucking crim.”

“She was asleep in the pram and I always for a walk around Duranbah, but I saw that something was wrong – a few guys start screaming and I saw the car coming in my direction on the sidewalk,” Daddy Roger Grassi told Today.

“And I just said, ‘Oh my God’ and it was super quick and I just went into survival mode to try and save my little one’s life – it was super scary, I’m still shaking… It was absolutely insane, I just hope this guy is already in jail and can never be allowed to drive again.”

Cops located the four wheel drive at the nearby Tweed City Mall, courtesy of the surfer’s phone being left in the back seat. 

The thief is still on the run, howevs.

 

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Folding surfboard (pictured with flush hinges) back to kill.
Folding surfboard (pictured with flush hinges) back to kill.

Clueless VALs trapped in death spiral as folding surfboards trend!

Chas Smith

By

So long, VALs. We hardly knew you.

The vulnerable adult surf learner bubble, growing, growing, growing since the world went through a very, very scary pandemic, has long been seen an anomaly. Unpoppable. But if the internet, crypto, property values in Palm Springs have taught us anything, it is that unpoppable doesn’t exist.

And now the VAL is in real trouble.

Refusing to learn anything about surf etiquette or history, the thirty-plus crowd who discovered this Sport of Kings whilst remote working, is falling in love with foldable surfboards.

These atrocities have been attempting to infiltrate surf for years. Quarter page advertisements for “lego boards” once used to litter the rear ends of surf magazines though subscribers outside Oklahoma instantly wrote off as gimmicky and stupid.

The new lot, though, has not received the vaccine, as it were.

New Old Spice adjacent video spots has them clamoring for the ease, the function, the clear, to them, evolution in surf craft.

It, of course, will lead to their demise. Bogging worse than they ever did on Wavestorms, if such a horror can even be conjured. Surfing becoming not only uncomfortable but lame.

And, thus, goodbye, VAL.

We hardly knew you.

Iconic Silver Surfer to be played by Julia Garner (left) while surf traditionalists rage (right).
Iconic Silver Surfer to be played by Julia Garner (left) while surf traditionalists rage (right).

Surfing’s emboldened anti-trans activists made freshly furious after revelation Silver Surfer to be played by woman in upcoming film!

Chas Smith

By

"Ain't Silver Surfer a Kelly Slater-lookin' dude?"

Surfing’s anti-trans movement, riding a wave of successes after causing a massive dip in Bud Light sales and forcing wetsuit maker Rip Curl to apologize for using the thoroughly modern and inspirational Sasha Jane Lowerson as cheeky ambassador, was left stunned, in recent days, after the revelation that the much-loved comic book character Silver Surfer will be played by a woman in the just-announced Fantastic Four reboot.

Julia Garner, who burst onto the scene as spitfire spewing Ruth in the popular drama Ozark, will join Pedro Pascal as Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic, Vanessa Kirby as Sue Storm/The Invisible Woman, Joseph Quinn as Johnny Storm/The Human Torch and Ebon Moss-Bachrach as Ben Grimm/The Thing.

Comic book fans are buzzing that the film, slated to be released on July 25, 2025, will be set in a 1960s alternate universe.

Unawaked surf fans, though, furious at the gender bending with one declaring, “Ain’t Silver Surfer a Kelly Slater-lookin’ dude?”

While the Silver Surfer isn’t the first Marvel character whose gender has been changed for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, or MCU, (Captain Marvel’s Mar-Vell is also a man in the comics), but this is considered the most significant example to date.

According to nerds trying to head off the aforementioned surf traditionalists from throwing Marvel comic books on top of Rip Curl trunks on top of Bud Light cases in the backyard bonfire:

Technically, though, Marvel isn’t changing the character’s gender in this case, but rather which character becomes Silver Surfer. Traditionally, Silver Surfer’s origin depicts him as Norrin Radd, an inhabitant of the utopian world of Zenn-La. Zenn-La becomes the latest target of Galactus’ world-devouring hunger, and so Radd agrees to become Galactus’ herald in exchange for sparing Zenn-La and saving the life of his lover, Shalla-Bal.

This Shalla-Bal sounds real suspicious and there are some camps who claim “In a twisted future version of the MCU, Norrin bestows a portion of his power onto Shalla and the two serve as the twin heralds of Galactus (who in this universe is actually a hyper-evolved version of Mister Fantastic and Invisible Woman’s son, Franklin).”

Sounds real suss to me.

Real suss.

Thoughts?

John John Florence, singlehandedly delivering the surf industry from the evil of mass-market retailers.

John John Florence is the saviour of the surf industry!

Derek Rielly

By

Quiksilver, BIllabong, RVCA, Hurley, all garbage! Garbage owned by billionaires!

In today’s episode of Chas Smith Hates Surfing, the vaunted author pockets his imperious rudeness and delivers three minutes of unsparing and unhesitating praise for John John Florence and his brand Florence aka Florence Marine X.

Surf fans are aware of the collapse of the surf industry, Billabong, Quiksilver, RVCA, Hurley, all swallowed by hedge funds.

Pointing to a classic camo Aloha hat by Hurley Chas Smith says, “This used to represent the surf industry. A beautiful place filled with happy creative people making important products for you, the surfer.

“What is it now? Garbage! It is…garbage! Garbage, purchased by billionaires in New York City and other god forsaken places. What do they do? They license it out! Hurley, once proud and iconic, is now selling at Costco for $19.99. Quiksilver, Billabong, all the same garbage.”

But, might there be a saviour?

“It is John John, Pat O’Connell and Bob Hurley, whose name is now tarnished and smeared…Florence Marine X is a core surf brand, making quality surf products for you, the surfer. Florence Marine X has what it takes to recreate the surf industry.

“John John Florence is the saviour of the surf industry. And maybe one less reasons to hate surfing.”

(Launched in 2020, Florence Marine X, but now called Florence, was born out of John John’s departure from Hurley and his vision to create quality surf gear, ready-to-wear-suits, children’s toys, little pink dresses, inspired by his connection with the ocean. With a noted focus on sustainability and innovation, Florence Marine X leaves even environmentalists feeling intoxicated with happiness. )

All-inclusive resort making mockery of global home of surfing.
All-inclusive resort making mockery of global home of surfing.

Surf fans bemoan “rip off” as Caribbean resort executive fired for smashing boyfriend’s head into gutter

Chas Smith

By

"We used to be cool, man."

Professional surfing is rounding the bend to one full year without leadership. Twelve months ago, the World Surf League’s championship tour was headed to Australia’s Margaret River, mid-season cull looming, with loud and proud chief executive Erik Logan at the helm. He had made himself and the WSL one through a robust social media program putting the former Oprah Winfrey studio boss front and center of everything professional surfing.

From Margaret Rivs, the extravaganza made its way to Tahiti, Erik Logan sucking the very breath professional surfing’s lungs…

…and then, like that, it was over. The tour traveled to Brazil, Logan joined, giving behind-the-scenes social media tours to his growing fanbase one day, fired in the most terse press release ever the next.

Gone, baby, gone.

He was replaced, at the top, by the World Surf League’s PR maven and its head of legal. “Major cleanup up on aisle five vibes,” according to important surf voice Jen See.

Rumors circulated that Logan had been making people “uncomfortable” in Brazil but the World Surf League never shed any light on his vicious disappearance, pretending all normal. Making a mockery of its fanbase.

Back on the ski. Reset.

Now, surf fans are feeling violently ripped off in the wake of another surf adjacent firing. But let us travel to the Caribbean where the Sandals Resorts chief development officer, Eugene Staal was fired for attacking his boyfriend, Sandals art curator Rafael de Vasconcelos, on a highway.

According to the New York Post:

On March 2, Sandals art curator Rafael de Vasconcelos attacked his partner, the hotel chain’s chief development officer Eugene Staal, on a highway in St. Vincent and the Grenadines, shoving him into a ditch and then climbing on top and pummeling him, according to published footage and co-workers.

The couple, who left a function around 11 p.m., were staying on the island ahead of a new Sandals resort opening there last week, a senior executive said.

During the altercation in the village of Lowman’s Hill, de Vasconcelos shoved Staal into a concrete ditch along the highway while a black car idled in the middle of the road, footage showed.

What the heck.

Surfing used to be rock n roll, man.

Dangerous.

Now our tech pants are on sale at Costco and our CEO’s firing is being shamed by an all-inclusive resort.

Surf fans understandably miffed.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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