Kolohe Andino says surf industry is fucking dead.
"Surf industry is FUCKING dead," writes Kolohe Andino.

Kolohe Andino breaks rank, protocol, declares “surf industry f*#king dead!”

“Surfing culture, big time surf brands and the ‘surf lifestyle’ are F*$KING dead."

The Californian surf star Kolohe Andino whose natural skill wasn’t allowed room to breathe on the world tour which led to his premature departure, has stunned surf fans with a profanity laden screed posted on Instagram. 

Like Luther nailing his Ninety-five Theses to the door of the All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg thereby creating the still-reverberating split in Christianity, Kolohe Andino has broken rank, and accepted protocol, to take aim at the once-mighty surf industry.

“Surfing culture, big time surf brands and the ‘surf lifestyle’ are FUCKING dead,” writes the just-turned thirty year old. “You got every FUCKING up and coming kid thinking they are one of the Paul brothers. Trying to gain cloud in any way, shape or form, with no gumption, no backbone, or no idea. These kids are not leaders, they are followers.” 

Kolohe Andino channels Martin Luther
Kolohe Andino and his 21st century equivalent of Martin Luther’s Ninety-five Theses .

It’s a pointer to his and his San Clemente pals’ clothing venture 2 Percent, which offers hats, hoodies, jackets etc in a sorta nineties homegrown style. 

Jackets are 175, hats and tees are forty and a pair of brown pants is seventy US.

Surf fans were divided on the post, all veering one of three directions.

One, “Kolohe Andino is “spitting facts”, two, “Who are the Paul brothers?” and, three, “Just comes with your age bud. Remember when the old timers said the same thing about you?  Haha Sponsored by Red Bull, Nike, and Target. Hardcore surf brands and culture!”

Apart from not reaching the stellar heights that were predicted for him as a teenager, Kolohe Andino, who is six years into marriage with the stunning Madison Brooke-Aldrich (Maddie’s account of Kolohe’s Christmas Day proposal, is proof that virility isn’t just measured at the root of the belly where the phallus rises) will be remembered for helping get the Surf Ranch Pro onto the tour. 

“After watching footage, Kolohe goes, ‘Why isn’t this on tour…well think about it!’” remembered Slater in his excellent documentary series Lost Tapes. “That’s when the conversation became real.”

Sam Pupo feeling very bad and making me, in turn, feel very bad too.
Sam Pupo feeling very bad and making me, in turn, feel very bad too.

Hearts shatter worldwide as two beautiful brothers forced into mortal combat for pleasure of junkies!

Death in the mid morning.

It is unknown if the World Surf League will complete the Margaret River Pro, this last stop where long knives are drawn and underperforming surfers are stabbed. The mid-season cut, brainchild of sadistic weirdo, and former World Surf League CEO, Erik Logan is actually enjoyed by the most derelict of surf fans. The season, stretching on interminably, with each event microcosms of interminable, needs stakes and watching career death certainly provides that but have we junkies pushed it too far?

I submit Miguel Pupo versus his brother Samuel Pupo as evidence.

They were forced to enter the playing field yesterday morning as howling offshore winds whipped kangaroo scent into the sea. Only one informed he could leave. They engaged in mortal combat, for our pleasure, like they were told. At the end, Samuel survived and Miggy was metaphorically murdered.

Samuel wiping tears from his eyes afterward, saying, “To get him off tour, I just feel like a loss really for me. Without him, I wouldn’t be anywhere near where I am now. Maybe I wouldn’t be surfing. For me to be in this position is all because of him. But he’s really strong, I’m sure he’s going to come back. He just got out of the water smiling, and he looked like he was the one that won the heat. That just shows how strong he is, but it still hurts so much.”

Erik Logan, somewhere, is writing a motivational Substack to help the Pupos’ turn their pain into gain but don’t you feel the cruelty of the moment matches anything the decadent Romans did in their entertainment ovals?


David Lee Scales and I didn’t really discuss during today’s chat but did make time for A.P.E. webbed paddle gloves. I think you’ll find it essential.

Shayne McIntyre (pictured) in Liberia
Shayne McIntyre (pictured) in Liberia

Alternative to much-hated World Surf League presents as Liberia to host first ever African surf tour!

Rebel yell.

The Margaret River Pro is currently bumbling along in glorious Western Australia, bumbling being the optimum word. The World Surf League, caught yet again in a ten day run of bad swell, has been forced to start, stop, start and stop its competition with even its most ardent fans growing frustrated and surly. Waves, when they do come, are somehow miraculously missed by the team, Joe Turpel’s mouth has entered a twilight zone and silly branding rules the day.

But what, then, is the most ardent fan supposed to do? There has long been hope in a “rebel tour.” One that boils off the World Surf League’s nonsense and simply puts the world’s ten or twelve best surfers in the world’s five or six best waves. But, let’s be honest here. Red Bull is not going to come to our rescue nor is Kelly Slater.

Enter Liberia.

The west African country hovering just north of Côte d’Ivoire, just south Sierra Leone, has just announced it is hosting Africa’s very first surf tour entirely independent from the World Surf League.

Per the Liberian Observer:

President Joseph Nyuma Boakai, Sr., has expressed excitement over Liberia’s rise to a place among the top 10 surfing destinations in the world and the choice to host the Africa Tour: Surf to Rise competition.

The event, scheduled to take place in West Africa for the first time, will be held in Robertsport, Grand Cape Mount County. It will be a five-day event, bringing in more than a hundred (100) persons including sixty (60) athletes, all of whom will be staying in Robertsport for the duration of the event to be held from May 23-28, 2024.

According to a press release from the Executive Mansion, this initiative is a significant moment for Liberia’s tourism sector, which aims to rebrand the country and attract visitors from around the world. It also comes as the President prepares to submit the Tourism Bill to the Legislature as part of his legislative agenda.

As part of the transformative agenda outlined in the Agriculture Roads, Rule of Law, Education Sanitation, and Tourism (ARREST) Agenda, the President reaffirmed Liberia’s commitment to harnessing its natural assets for sustainable development.

Arrest? Tell me this isn’t the future.

You can watch a film about professional surfing’s savior here.

Joel Tudor delivers stinging hydra-headed ripostes to BeachGrit commenters.
Joel Tudor delivers stinging hydra-headed ripostes to BeachGrit commenters.

World surfing champ Joel Tudor delivers stinging ripostes to BeachGrit commenters in new blood feud!

“Just before I rip your arm off, I’ll put my balls on your forehead for good measure…”

Even with the moans and bucking from yesterday’s blood feud still reverberating through the surf world, we can report the snow blond surfing champ Joel Tudor has opened a new online front with back-to-back insults on Instagram today.

In response to a video of joggers high-stepping and which Joel Tudor has much fun with, “When you finally meet the random nobody goobers/burner account dweebs who always argue on your posts” Surfival League proprietor Taylor Lobdell responds with,

“This is what longboarding looks like to me.”

Joel Tudor likes this response.

“You’re not wrong,” says the forty-seven-year-old daddy of two and holder of three world longboarding titles. “It’s what the majority of longboarding looks like to me as well.”

Much agreement etc.

Joel Tudor opens new blood feud
Joel Tudor and latest blood feud.

The conversation takes a turn, however, when the BeachGrit commenter, or former BeachGrit commenter, Wiggolly’s Paddling Style takes a swing at Joel Tudor’s fav sport.

“This is what jiujitsu looks like to me mate. I’ll snap ya,” he writes.

Joel Tudor replies, “I found your mom.”

Surfival League’s Taylor Lobdell writes, “You don’t like getting a sweaty dudes foot in your face? What’s wrong with you?”

And, here, Joel Tudor pulls the trigger, baring his teeth you would imagine in an awful smile.

“Just before I rip your arm off , I’ll put my balls on your forehead for good measure….its called t-bagging pre shoulder surgery –you can place bets on how long it’ll take…”

To which Wiggly replies,

“Can’t really see the point in paying $45 per session to take turns cuddling a bloke wearing a dressing gown. It’s given Joel an excessive amount of self confidence so I guess it’s good for something.”

True or false?

Are you in camp anti-jiujitsu per Wiggs and Taylor or does rolling thrill you for the connection it gives you with other men, like it does me?

Jiujitsu meme

Open Thread: Comment Live on business-ish end of Margaret River Pro!

There might be blood.