Joel Tudor and Matt Biolos, fighting
Longboard champ Joel Tudor and, right, the shaper with the sad liquid brown eyes, Matt Biolos.

Wild war of words erupts between surfing titans Matt Biolos and Joel Tudor in online blood feud

“So all the worlds best surfers and the worlds most dialled-in designers are all dorks?”

The surfing world was drenched in terror sweat yesterday when the world’s most successful surfboard shaper Matt Biolos and three-time longboard champ Joel Tudor, two of the sport’s most hallowed names, thundered repeated salvos at each other on Instagram. 

Joel Tudor, a forty-seven-year-old father of two but who still has the ethereal and angelic face of a child, opened with a post featuring a vintage technical drawing of a surfboard.

Crucially, there was no mention of the surfboard’s volume, a common and popular measurement in modern surfboards. Regular BeachGrit readers will know the story of how Firewire was the first company to introduce the measurement to surfers, writing it on their stock boards.

“No mention of dorkass liters in this conversation! All the OG’s kept it real!” wrote Joel, regarded as the father of modern old-fashioned long boarding. 

Joel Tudor on surfboard volume
Joel Tudor don’t like the volume measurement on surfboards.

Cool Mom lookalike Matt Biolos, who won last year’s inaugural shaper CT shaper rankings, quickly threw a dish back at Joel Tudor. 

“So all the worlds best surfers and the worlds most dialed in designers are all dorks? Sure, anyone who worries about liters on a log, is not getting the point, but fine tuned minutia of performance competitive surfboards,are universally being made more exacting by adding a “4th dimension” to the mix. It’s a very function method of measurement, when used the correct way.”

Joel Tudor quickly plunged the knife, forgetting even the rule for possessive apostrophes. 

“Every one of you who cave to this trendy language are a bunch of Barney’s!”

A follower called purr_monster writes, “Joel’s a barn.” 

Joel Tudor roars, “I will out surf all of you and fold you in your own clothes.”

Later, Joel Tudor writes to Matt Biolos, “Brewer , takayama & frye will laugh in your face if you say liters on any surfboard whatsoever……they’ve dropped more weed than you’ve smoked in regards to surfboards of all shapes and sizes …..also in the words of Donald to all small board shapers …don’t tell me anything until you can shape a longboard that doesn’t look like it’s been shaped my a axe awoooooooooo…”

Shortly after, “by a axe …sorry my autocorrect just took a bong hit.”

Biolos: “With all due respect to you and those other icons, none ever laughed in my face, when I met them. Skip was forever curious, Like Ekstrom and Brewer all forever inquisitive. If its a tool that gave them, or their test pilots an edge, they would prob use the tool. We use the tool to build refined racing machines, for the most astute surfers on earth. It’s that simple. Donald sold more Asian made SurfTechs than anyone. He laughed in all our faces. Then threatened me, physically, on voice mail, for trying to protect domestic board builder’s from his cheap imports and impose import duties on Asian built boards. Called me every name in the book. So I respectfully laughed in his face. Rest his beautiful soul.”

And so on. 

Joel Tudor, of course, is a well-known star of blood feuds, the ultra-purist angle skewering all-comers.

You’ll remember his role as the protagonist in these classics, Blood Feud: Joel Tudor and Noa Deane in creative battle royale! Blood Feud: Joel Tudor vs The World, and Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs Kelly Slater (part one), Blood Feud: Joel Tudor vs Kelly Slater, part two and Blood feud; Joel Tudor squares off with shaping icon Richard Kenvin.

Joel Tudor was last seen on those pages four months ago when he described the hot-dogging longboarder Phil Rajzman, famous for his trademark chop-hops, as having “the worst style in long boarding.” 

Volcom golf. True to this.

Once-rebellious Volcom releases “punk lite” golf collection!

Establishment against youth.

Surfing and golf have had a long and weird relationship mostly reflecting the long and weird Kelly Slater. The greatest to ever do it has enjoyed a decades old affair with the greens which, thereby, gave coverage to other nerds who enjoy whacking the little white ball. Really, surfing and golf have nothing in common. No shared history, no common pedigree, nothing but Kelly Slater, though that did not stop the once-rebellious Volcom for releasing a new punk lite golf collection.

The iconic stone, hewn in gritty early-90s Costa Mesa, was anti-authority, anti-old, anti-staid. The youth, you see, were against establishment.

Well, thirty-three years on it appears the upper-middle age are for Saudi-backed boredom.

Now owned by Authentic Brands Group, along with Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA, DC Shoes, et. al., Volcom’s new golf offering features “polos, shorts and pants to keep you feeling and looking cool from the tee to green.”

It is showcased by Balaram Stack, Jack Robinson, Thor Larson and Sierra Kerr who are not wearing golf shoes in the photo shoot bringing much doubt onto their level of play/desire.

The new tagline is “Volcom not just FORE! surfing.”


Here’s a music video to make you feel better.

True to this.

Also, thanks again, Kelly Slater. Look at what you made Jack Robinson do.

Do you really believe Kelly Slater just retired from pro surfing?

There's been so many iterations of the Kelly Slater retirement that he has made it an art form, dear friends.

Several months heretofore, the world’s second oldest active pro athlete Kelly Slater threatened to call it quits for the twenty-sixth consecutive year after being eliminated from the Hurley Pro at Sunset Beach. 

The just-turned fifty-two-year-old Kelly Slater, who is four years younger than the still-competing pro soccer player Kazuyoshi Miura, was narrowly beaten by Australia’s golden girl Ethan Ewing, a baby-faced twenty-five-year-old Australian with the “plumpest and most spankable bottom in surfing”.

Following the loss, Kelly Slater said he was “questioning competing to be honest with you… My confidence isn’t super high.

Yesterday, after losing in the round of 32 to world number one Griffin Colapinto, Kelly Slater again quit. 

The first time Kelly Slater retired was in 1998, the then six-time world champ having just-turned twenty-six. He competed sporadically over the next few years, winning Pipe in 1999 and the Eddie in 2002, before re-joining the tour to take on Andy Irons head-on, hinting at retirement every year thereafter.

In 2018, and piggybacking Joel Parkinson’s retirement announcement at J-Bay, he said he’d officially quit by the end of the following year at age forty-seven. 

Other retirement announcements can be found here, here, here and here. 

Is this the end? 

Chas Smith says non!

“You actually think hat Kelly Slater is retiring? You think somehow that this year, this time, was the time that he decided to hang it up? Do you forget the 26 other times that he said he was gonna hang it up? Do you somehow not remember when Joel Parkinson was retiring? Oh, what was Kelly Slater gonna do too? Retire. Do you not remember? When he actually did retire during the Andy Irons years, that was a long time ago. There’s been so many iterations of the Kelly Slater retirement that he has made it an art form, dear friends. And this latest gambit, this latest show, we’ll say, is a bit of acting, theatre. 

“He will certainly continue to surf. That is a far-forgone conclusion. He will surf in Tahiti, he will surf in Fiji, he will surf and he will surf and he will surf again. But how does he beat this retirement? I don’t know. This was… the Oscar award-winning retirement.”

Thoughts? Opinions? 








Open Thread: Comment Live, Day Four of the Margaret River Pro!

Wineries, "big energy" and slain GOATs.

Kelly Slater (pictures) stares into the outer unknown.
Kelly Slater (pictures) stares into the outer unknown.

Kelly Slater forced to confront the pallbearers waiting at the shoreline as wind and lull ravage Margaret River’s bracket stage

"Walking on a dream."

Evening had long since fallen in the Highlands of Scotland as day was dawning in the feted west of Australia. A land where fine wine flows through creeks and every edifice is imbued with indigenous culture and doubtless edible and delicious to boot.

Western Australia is a veritable Wonka land, a point hammered by the WSL every time the Tour stops here.

But we don’t care about that, we care about waves. This morning, there were some. For the first few heats at least, before the wind cast its raggedy spell and ruined it for everyone.

The unlikely figures of Barron Mamiya and Yago Dora were eliminated, owing to equally unlikely strong performances from Reef Heazlewood and Kelly Slater.

For Dora, this season has been nothing less than a shocker. Just above the cut line and with four men below him still in the event, it’s almost certain he’s gone. Given he was a perennial top five threat last season, he will be a loss.

Not so much of a loss is Tour whipping boy Deivid Silva, dead last in the rankings. Ironically, his death spasms today resulted in by far his strongest performances of the season in back-to-back heats in which he didn’t even get the chance to leave the water.

He ran John Florence close in the first heat of the round of 32, notching a pair of mid-eights for critical backhand surfing that I’d entirely forgotten he was capable of. But too late were his gasps for life, and he will only be missed by the high seeds who drew him.

Florence had a pair of eights of his own, showing glimpses of the Margaret River mastery for which he’s so lauded.

“Finally, there’s waves, I can just go surf”, said Florence, with exasperation we all feel on his behalf.

But the waves were to peter out before long. First came the lulls, then came the wind.

Gabriel Medina was able to dispatch Ryan Callinan without looking quite like his assured self. Both sat for five minutes or more to end the heat, with Callinan unable to attempt a wave. A dire way to go.

Medina vs Florence in the round of 16 is a marquee match-up that should recall previous tussles here where each traded nines amidst consistent, solid walls. Post heat, Medina, like Florence, expressed his wish for waves. But the reality of the forecast means this meeting will likely have all the shine of spoiled fruit.

Another intriguing heat in the round of 16 is the meeting of the Pupo brothers. There can be no familial favours in this one. Both men are below the cut line, both need a win to assure their future.

The future, and the past, was very much a theme of today. It was centred, as pro surfing so often has been, around Kelly Slater. Even if the day had the air of a retirement he hadn’t quite agreed to.

His elimination heat was like an obituary. Ronnie and Richie eulogised throughout, as all the pundits do. But there was a tone of finality this time, a wrapping up rather than a remembrance.

In the water, oblivious, Slater was undeterred. He attacked the heat early, and with the verve of a much younger man, notching a 7.17 for searing carves and backing up with a mid-five. It was nearly enough to win the heat, but he was pipped by rookie Cole Houshmand, advancing nevertheless in second position and sending Yago Dora home for good.

In his first post-heat interview of the day he was all business, giving a surgical breakdown of who did what and when. Retirement? What retirement? It was the ghost in the room.

But after crashing back to earth with a lacklustre loss to Griffin Colapinto in the gathering breeze, Slater was forced to confront the pallbearers waiting at the shoreline.

He was hoisted high and chaired up the beach, but there was something discomforting about it. I couldn’t escape the overwhelming sense that Slater, although gracious, had gritted teeth.

They were taking grandad out for a nice lunch. And oh, should we just pop in here for a look on the way back? isn’t this a lovely place? Aren’t these people friendly? Look, your own room with a big red cord to pull if you need to! Perhaps you could stay awhile?

We’ll just be down the road, of course. A million miles away.

Yet Slater rallied in the post heat interview with Stace Galbraith. He was still fighting, still breaking down the heat and what went wrong. He’d had a fight with this wave his whole career, he said. It wasn’t a wave he wanted to end on. And oh, he’s applied for a wildcard for Fiji, and Renato asked him if he fancied surfing on the Gold Coast CS event, too. He might if Snapper looked good, just for some fun.

But when Galbraith asked him if he had a personal message for friends and family, there was a heavy pause.

Slater welled up, fought back tears he wasn’t ready to spill.

It wasn’t all roses, he said.

We understood the subtext. The things that must be sacrificed at the altar of mastery.

And then the moment passed and he was back to talking about pro surfing again, looking to heats present and future. He still had that hope out there, he said.

But I felt for him then. He was a man forced, finally, to confront the hard realities of time and change. His was a life rooted in pro surfing. Yes, a life of objective privilege, but the only one he’s known. And the only life you know is still the hardest to let go. Winning surf competitions has been the nucleus around which all else has hovered.

“If I get a wildcard or two I could end up against Griffin again. I’ll pay him back.”

It was tongue-in-cheek, but also dead serious. He was still looking to a future in a vest, not away from it. Not entirely.

He was right. This isn’t how it ends. Not being chaired up the beach after losing in wind-blown three-footers at Main Break.

The universe has been kind to him, as he acknowledged. He’s had a lot of luck. And I sense it’s not quite over. It might not be this year, maybe not even the next. And he won’t top a podium. But I’m sure we’ll see Slater win once more, even if it’s just a heat.

It will be in Fiji, or Teahupo’o or Pipe. The barrels will be thick and beautifully terrifying, and Kelly Slater will stand in the centre of one, calm amidst the chaos

He will draw into the charred wreck of himself once more.

And he will win again.

And then it’ll be over.