Big trouble in little Tahiti.

Our surfers are, officially, arriving at the Teahupo’o Olympics, buzz filling the tropical air, thrill and excitement, what could be and might be etc. The Games officially kick off in four days with a parade down Paris’ famed Seine some 10,000 miles away. Filipe Toledo, John John Florence, Vahine Fierro etc. will not be there, of course, though there must be some sort of celebration at the End of the Road, no?

I don’t know. I will be holding a table off the Champs-Elysees though Surfer Magazine is sending two artificially intelligent bots to cover Tahiti from the shadow of the Smoky Mountains in East Tennessee and “they” might have more information but, in the meantime, our heroes and heroines should be walking on egg shells as troubles present at every turn.

Take the case of German shoe giant Adidas, a sponsor who, one might think, would employ teams of public relations and lawyers informing, guiding, keeping out of problems and especially in light of recent Kanye West business. But here we are with them super busted for celebrating the ’72 Munich Games ahead of Teahupo’o with pro-Palestinian model Bella Hadid as face.

You certainly recall, at least through reading, when 11 Israeli athletes were killed by the breakaway Fatah group Black September.

Adidas pulled the ads, apologized, Hadid has hired lawyers and a giant mess.

Optics, as they say, but if Adidas can step right in it what about Quiksilver, Hurley, Rip Curl?

Are our surfers double checking signifiers of their partners before paddling?

I don’t know that I would trust Big Surf farther than I could throw it these days.

More etc.

"That’s why for the first time in this publication’s 60-year history, we’re endorsing a presidential ticket..."

Unprecedented political days, as they say, in the United States of America. Last week, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump was nicked by an ear bullet during a rally and, thus, solidified his grip on the all-important surf vote. As you know, the margins are razor thin between the two major parties, Republican and Democrat, making every bloc essential. The assassination attempt swung surfers hard toward Trump with stars like the Queen of Pipeline Moana Jones, who declared, “That’s my president.” Big wave stud Mark Zuckerberg followed by describing Trump as a “badass” and will likely use his great interest to win over fans like Billy Kemper.

Except not so fast. Mere hours ago, the entire race was pitched on its ear as the Democratic candidate Joe Biden dropped out of the race and endorsed his vice president Kamala Harris. Surf political watchers, of course, know that Harris hails from California, a state that boasts more surfers than anywhere else in the union. Also, of note, she was the first and last candidate to become endorsed by Surfer Magazine when her and the aforementioned Biden ran against Trump last time.

“It sucks to be a surfer in America right now,” then Surfer editor-in-chief Todd Prodanovich penned in 2020. “Things suck for everyone, not just surfers, of course, but since this is SURFER.com, we’re talking specifically about how it sucks for surfers, and what can be done in this year’s presidential election to mitigate the suckage moving forward. And while ‘keep politics out of surfing’ has become a common refrain on social media these days, the fact is that what’s happening in American politics has everything to do with surfing. That’s why for the first time in this publication’s 60-year history, we’re endorsing a presidential ticket—the ticket for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.”

Surfer, of course, went belly up weeks later, was buried in a shallow grave, exhumed by prospectors, stuffed artificial intelligence and re-presented to the general public as “real.” No telling if the bots will endorse Harris again, this time around, but precedent is precedent.

In any case, wild times and does Harris’ rise to the top of the ticket change the way you feel? The view from this French side of the Atlantic is… well, difficult to say as its being seen through rosé colored lenses but one thing I can state, affirmatively, is the surf vote will be under a microscope over these coming few months.

Buckle up, friends.

Will Leonardo DiCaprio join Team Pyzel?

Well what a week it has been. Our surf heroines, and heroes, have begun landing in Tahiti ahead of the 2024 Paris Olympiad, surf champion Kelly Slater has broken his self-imposed social media exile to launch broadside at Brit Pop icons Oasis and the kindest of Southern California surfboard shapers found himself on the pointy end of many sticks.

Yes, Album Surfboards certainly has had a run over the past five plus years, dropping lusty model after lusty model, Josh Kerr, Jack Freestone, Coco Ho and friends just ripping the Matt Parker designs while he humbly goes about his business.

Shock, then, when Stab Magazine put on its paternalistic pants and whooped Album a good one. Actually, not shock there. Stab‘s “Royal We” of interns and “associate editors” love nothing more than coming in aggressively and passively. Shock, though, for real when the model handsome Jon Pyzel told Parker to keep his “uninformed opinions to himself.”

Yowza.

Parker, in any case, might be smarting except he has received boisterous support from it boy Cole Bennett and that should be just enough to get through these dark days.

Bennett, a rap music video director, has mostly flown under the radar except now he appears to be dating Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex Camila Marrone.

The latter was attached to the actor famous for coupling with younger women then jettisoning them when they near 25. She was with the Kelly Slater eskimo brother for four years. She is currently 27.

Bennett, anyhow, is 28 and People Magazine is reporting, “They (Bennett and Marrone) were taking a stroll (in New York), with his arms around her. They looked happy as they shopped, and Cole was gazing lovingly at Camila.”

Wonderful but more important to our story is the fact that the Chicago native dawned a Album hat amidst the furor. No telling if the lantern jaw’d blonde surfs but what does that even mean anymore?

David Lee Scales did not directly speak of Cole Bennett, Leonardo DiCaprio or Camila Marrone during our most recent chat but we did cover Stab.

What little bay shrimps.

Listen here.