Welcome to the Pipeline of Pablum.

There is something particularly depressing about sunrises in the United Arab Emirates. I have experienced a fair share and each is uniquely bleak. Maybe its the way that desert particulates mingle with smoke and the labored breaths of Pakistani slaves. Maybe its just knowing that the day to come will be filled with eyefuls of dainty men’s sandals on pedicured men’s feet. The one thing I am certain of, though, is today, that depression will feel a bit weightier and especially for those who invested in Kelly Slater’s dream.

The Surf Abu Dhabi Pro kicked off, yesterday, and JP Currie will break it down properly, soon. I tuned in for three or four waves and was bored straight into submission. I honestly could not believe how painful it was to watch, all moral, environmental, etc. issues aside. As a pure sporting spectacle, is tub surfing the worst on earth?

The novelty wears off after three hacks to the lip, I reckon, for longtime professional surf watchers and first time professional surf watchers alike. What remains is throbbingly dull repetition. No surfer, but maybe the recently-minted big wave wrangler Filipe Toledo, can do anything different from another and so watchers are simply left wondering  when they will fall and put a merciful end to it.

Consequence-free tedium.

And I am really racking my brain to find something worse. Chess, lawn bowls, test cricket and marathons are generally cited as dreary to watch but each have nuances, strategies, histories and finely tuned masters.

Competitive tub surfing has… nothing. The difference between a 5.43 and a 6.21 arbitrary, the skill of the players flattened, the mechanical wave, itself, a pipeline of pablum.

Surf Abu Dhabi will likely be successful as a destination, as is Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch as a rich flex, but no man, woman, child or Pakistani slave should ever be subjected to watching Jackson Bunch hit the crumbling lip on a left that refuses to barrel ever again. If there was hope, amongst the oil-rich that yesterday would be the dawn of a brave new live sporting era in the Emirates, well, a swing and a miss.

Suck it, fat boys.

Just in time for LA '28 Olympics!

Surf fans around the globe were likely thrilled, days ago, when it was revealed that Huntington Beach, California had emerged as the favorite to host the surfing component of the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics. Surf City, USA and its ample space for judging towers, fan experiences, NOFX and Friends etc. has seemingly allowed it to pull ahead of Lower Trestles, down San Clemente way, and surf fans, around the globe, are certain to thrill as their country’s heroes and heroines perform the beloved Huntington Hop.

Some might even be tempted to travel to the cultural mecca to witness it all firsthand. A very fine idea and the intrepid traveler should certainly pad the schedule to allow time to visit BJ’s Restaurant and Brewhouse on Main Street, 7-11 on the Pacific Coast Highway and, of course, the Huntington Beach Central Library which will have a fancy new plaque on its exterior.

The bold black and yellow design features an eagle over the words “Celebrating 50 years of being a beacon of education, a catalyst for dreams and a sanctuary for children to feel safe, valued and free to grow.”

Below that the acronym MAGA stretches out. Magical, Alluring, Galvanizing, Adventurous, of course.

While many thrilled during Tuesday night’s City Council meeting, where the panel approved “Celebrating 50 years of MAGA” by a vote of 6 – 0, others became upset. According to the Los Angeles Times, Barbara Richardson, a local, thought she was being “punked” when first seeing the design. “It turned out the joke was on me, because this plaque is the real design,” she shared with The Los Angeles Times.

Chris Kluwe, also local, told the panel, “It is really important that you understand that MAGA as an ideology is destroying our country, OK? MAGA is the idea that trans people shouldn’t exist. MAGA is the idea that you can let a billionaire come in and run our government and take our Social Security numbers to do who knows what because there is no oversight.”

Deputy City Manager Jennifer Carey simply stated, “The plaque’s design was a collaborative effort, incorporating input from various City Council members and the community.”

It will cost $7000 to install and be a wonderful draw for the aforementioned Olympic surf fan either before or after a little rioting.

Magical, alluring, galvanizing, adventurous.