Welcome to the Pipeline of Pablum.
There is something particularly depressing about sunrises in the United Arab Emirates. I have experienced a fair share and each is uniquely bleak. Maybe its the way that desert particulates mingle with smoke and the labored breaths of Pakistani slaves. Maybe its just knowing that the day to come will be filled with eyefuls of dainty men’s sandals on pedicured men’s feet. The one thing I am certain of, though, is today, that depression will feel a bit weightier and especially for those who invested in Kelly Slater’s dream.
The Surf Abu Dhabi Pro kicked off, yesterday, and JP Currie will break it down properly, soon. I tuned in for three or four waves and was bored straight into submission. I honestly could not believe how painful it was to watch, all moral, environmental, etc. issues aside. As a pure sporting spectacle, is tub surfing the worst on earth?
The novelty wears off after three hacks to the lip, I reckon, for longtime professional surf watchers and first time professional surf watchers alike. What remains is throbbingly dull repetition. No surfer, but maybe the recently-minted big wave wrangler Filipe Toledo, can do anything different from another and so watchers are simply left wondering when they will fall and put a merciful end to it.
Consequence-free tedium.
And I am really racking my brain to find something worse. Chess, lawn bowls, test cricket and marathons are generally cited as dreary to watch but each have nuances, strategies, histories and finely tuned masters.
Competitive tub surfing has… nothing. The difference between a 5.43 and a 6.21 arbitrary, the skill of the players flattened, the mechanical wave, itself, a pipeline of pablum.
Surf Abu Dhabi will likely be successful as a destination, as is Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch as a rich flex, but no man, woman, child or Pakistani slave should ever be subjected to watching Jackson Bunch hit the crumbling lip on a left that refuses to barrel ever again. If there was hope, amongst the oil-rich that yesterday would be the dawn of a brave new live sporting era in the Emirates, well, a swing and a miss.
Suck it, fat boys.
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World’s Slowest Learners aka WSL haven’t figured it out yet. We don’t like Wave Pool Contests!…. there I said it….
As an adult learner scatologist, and averagely below mediocrity surfer, I am finding the faeces levels extremely high and very exciting during this green/ sports washed poo board riding event 😀
The woz has exceeded their number 2 levels, and has excelled in that department, yet again.
So shitty. So boring, but there was no hockey tonight so I watched for a bit. Also no John John. I recommend you all switch to watching hockey. Its much better
Sports washing isnt for the fans….
Am I the only one that misses this.. His writing is better than the surfing!
“People get bought off for pennies and once getting a pay day they become advocates.” and “The desert gets watered with pro surfer tears.” by SS/Longtom
Ice dancing is all it was – 2 fat turns, 1 set up turn, barrel, couple steeper turns, if you bog rail miss barrel eat shit caught behind, or barrel to air, or miss barrel race and air – rinse and repeat
Boring as FUCK
The story you just wrote way better than mine. Hemingway’s “one true sentence” to its peak.
saw a pic this morning… why the fuck is there ski’s in the pool?
they not polluting enough with the plough?
oh, and great rant Chas. fucking debacle smeared over a shit show.
Kaipo on the VIP bar all alone with his alco free brewski was probably the highlight
Hahaha wow.
Xox
Charlie really felt this one….
Felt the bile!
I’m going against the flow, i think as far as Olympic level professional surfing goes its perfect, as it provides an even consistent level playing field across the board, scoring should be far more consistent and actually challenge the surfers to push themselves harder to find a difference, and its even for the men and the womans (zaffa for women), so no excuses for lame overscoring.
So as far as pure professional surfing goes its technically perfect & was not that the vision of Rabbit and Kanga and backed up quite strongly by a whole range of older ex pros n legends of the sport, such as PT MR Lopez TC (x 2) etc etc
You asked for it you got it dudes.
I read the surf forecast for Arab Tub…they said offshore and 3 ‘ …I guess one out of 2 ain’t bad??
pretty amazing how even in the tub onshore makes it even more shitier….watched for 30 seconds and went back to an NBA replay…yeah Ben Simmons!
When does the F1 start up again and should it be an interesting year?
Xox
March 14- 16 …bring it on….I will probably go to the F1 here in Melbourne……Piastri/Doohan/mansell…at least it’s the pinnacle of it’s sport not like Tub Competitive surfing!
Street circuits are the tubs of F1 though ha! Might see ya there!
Xox
At least there’s a thunderous live crowd, oohing an awing with each slash!
I mean I love surfing and all its facets and personalities so I can handle it, but I can’t see how Hashim Jones would get a buzz out of it compared to like, the world cup final with Messi and Mbabbe going toe to toe in front of 100000 people
I haven’t seen that much safety surfing since Felipe went up against Hedgey and Slater at Chopes.
More conservative than a middle eastern monarchy.
It’s the wave itself what promotes it. They need to shorten it and add in a giant wedge or crumbling section at the end. And make it bigger. And less shit.
Time to confiscate some passports again and get this wave fixed.
& not in a pool
no excellent scores, surfers pulling guard all fucken day. safety surfing prevails. Im trying to be nice
Alright here we go folks. He is taking off. Pumps down line. Gathering speed as he sets up for his first maneuver. Nice off the top. Another deep bottom turn as he sets up the off the lip. Wow releases the tail. Now he is really starting to find his flow as he sets up for the barrel. Stalling to get deeper. Still in there. Wow he makes it out and looking down the line as gains speed and sets up for a big finishing maneuver. He takes to the air! Amazing ally oop! ohhhhh nooo he caught his nose and goes downnnnn harddd.
– Joe Turpel (Every wave)
you made the mistake of using punctuation.
Test Cricket is God’s gift to mankind. But otherwise you’re right.
another method to make waves. cold ones! and no one is out…
https://youtu.be/RVwLHX6lgzQ?si=dSz1VfBh68WWu39p
crazy how deep a narrow fjord can be
polar opposites: desert v chile. and here comes a sneeze! bless us~
after deep thought, I assumed some nut in a kayak could tackle that drop. did you see the yakker getting swallowed by a whale? too rad! both named Jonah…
Yes! The whole thing is just mind bending
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2025/feb/13/whale-swallows-kayaker-chile
the world is advancing…one vehicle crash at a time. one wave at a time…no more copper pennies~
THEY ARE LEADERS OF A FALSE SURF REPORT. PROSECUTE ‘EM~
so says my valentine’s card…delivered~
may need a seawall or a tide protector~harbor~rich white sailor or fishermen…grouper w/ chorizo and an eggplant taster…wheat thins/USAUSAUStraiia/canada french fries
Hit the nail right on the head Charles. I could only watch 3 waves last night, it was just too shitty to watch with the onshore thing happening. It did get a bit better at the end of the night session but still lame to watch. Why in the hell is the wave set so small, its maybe shoulder high?
supposed to keep those Oscar nominee worthy articles in the tank until awards season, Chas … bravo to unleashing one early. Poetry.
As noted to another BG commenter in a different post, it suddenly felt to me just like figure skating — ‘here he is at the point in the routine where he’ll go for the triple lutz” … never been more dismayed to call myself a surfer.
Bopbopbop