Newly anointed Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard posts candid photo with Kelly Slater for his 53rd birthday

Surfer and highest-ranking woman in Trump admin, Tulsi Gabbard, the champs BFF.

On the same day the Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard celebrated Kelly Slater’s fifty-third birthday online, I present my birthday candle wish list, the Kelly Slater version.

I wish I could be humble like Kelly.

I wish I could admire other people’s accomplishments and do absolutely nothing to upstage their moment in the spotlight like Kelly.

I wish I could declare truth and slay lesser life forms on social media like Kelly.

I wish I could avoid being subsumed by the thirst of my own ego like Kelly.

I wish I were a medical expert like Kelly.

I wish I could enjoy debating flat earth theory with weirdo extremists like Kelly.

I wish I could despise keyboard warriors who don’t even surf pro contests like Kelly.

I wish I could appreciate the beauty of turtles like Kelly.

I wish all of my clothing were sustainably sourced from fair-trade-certified vendors like Kelly.

I wish I could get barreled in organic cotton jeans like Kelly.

I wish when well-known surf publications stanned for access journalism and soul selling it was because they wanted access to me like Kelly.

I wish I could tell stories about that time I called Jack Johnson into a wave at Pipe that ended with Jack face planting on the reef (and not in a happy funny way like in a Curious George movie) like Kelly.

I wish I could play the ukelele like Kelly.

I wish I could scatter my world title trophies among my beautiful properties on every continent and still have more title trophies left over than Mick Fanning has in total like Kelly.

I wish my name were on a line of wave pools that I could surf whenever I so desired, even in countries where maybe human rights values don’t quite line up with freedom-obsessed types, like Kelly.

I wish I could thread Backdoor barrels even in my sixth decade like Kelly.

I wish I knew what Joe Rogan’s studio smelled like like Kelly.

I wish I had realized how well the words “fire” and “wire” rhyme like Kelly.

I wish Rob Machado would give me high fives like Kelly.

I wish I were on a first name basis with David Hasselhoff like Kelly.

I wish I could appreciate shirts with horizontal stripes like Kelly.

I wish I had a statue in my hometown of me doing a sweet tail slide like Kelly.

I wish Shane Dorian wanted me to godparent his offspring like Kelly.

I wish I knew what it felt like to win a Pipe title at 50 like Kelly.

I wish my 52, 53-year-old pop-up were still quick like Kelly.

I wish I could make no grab backside barrels at heaving left-hand slabs like Kelly.

I wish I could inspire middle-aged online commenting losers to reminisce about that time they saw me surfing the Inlet in the ‘80s like Kelly.

I wish I knew how the aeronautics of rocket ships corresponded to the hydrodynamics of surfboards like Kelly.

I wish I could gift my Eddie invite to worthy benefactors because I’m so gracious like Kelly.

I wish I owned a Hawaiian villa I could list for sale for multiple months for many millions like my main man Kelly.

I wish I could show up maybe unannounced in the channel at Fiji to mentor rising young surf stars like Kelly.

I wish I could test run baby names for months like Kelly.

But, most of all, I wish I could surf like Kelly.

Happy birthday, legend.