Capitalism.

Now, Jack Johnson may not be your cup of tea but the North Shore local’s surf bonafides are beyond dispute. Coming up along side The Momentum Generation, Johnson cut his teeth at Pipeline and such, pushing against Kelly Slater, Rob Machado, Shane Dorian etc. then playing healthy tunes on oceanfront yards afterward.

Well, his career took off with massive hits such as Banana Pancakes and Bubble Toes and Upside Down and he sells out concert halls is able to charge thousands of dollars for VIP meet and greet packages.

Living the dream… except… a woman has been scooping up too many of those VIP meet and greet packages and harassing the poor surf crooner so much that Johnson was forced to turn to the courts in order to get a restraining order against her.

Per TMZ:

According to new legal docs, obtained by TMZ, Jack claims the woman traveled to Houston, Texas on Aug. 26 and got in his face at his hotel … and the interaction was so frightening, not only for Jack but also for the bandmate who saw it all go down, Jack and his band bounced until cops came and detained the woman.

Jack had a show that night in the Houston area … and he claims his alleged stalker often buys VIP packages to his shows in order to get close to him. JJ also says she emails him and his management, claiming she’s been the victim of a long-term financial scheme … conning her out of millions of dollars.

Jack says he’s worried for his safety because it’s easy for the woman to track his movements … pointing out his tour dates and personal appearances are readily available online.

True and one quick search showed me that he is next playing in Santa Barbara tomorrow and Chula Vista on Friday where the meet and greet is going for a cool $1134.

Are you in? If yet, mind your Ps and Qs.

No harassing.

Then again, if someone was paying $1134 to harass me, I’d feel it was a fine exchange.

Capitalism.

Unchill.

For those who have never been, the state of California is an incredibly vast, exceedingly diverse slice of land. San Diego, down south, feels a different world from Los Angeles which, in turn, feels a different world from San Francisco. Surfing cultures in Orange County, host of the World Surf League’s famed Finals Day, Santa Cruz, Lemoore, etc. are as different from each other as they are from surfing cultures in, say, Brittany, France.

One of the lesser publicized would have to be those who brave the cold waters up north in Humboldt county. The region is very famous for its marijuana growing, more so than wave quality, but the sparse population makes it appealing for those who enjoy paddling alone. Though, the intrepid may think twice after a weekend shark hit critically injured a lonely surfer.

According to local news:

A shark bit a surfer and seriously injured the 31-year-old male about 3:30 p.m. Sunday at Centerville Beach, according to the Ferndale Volunteer Fire Department and emergency personnel speaking over the scanner.
The FVFD post stated, “The patient was transported by City Ambulance to a hospital.”

Emergency personnel speaking over the scanner said that the surfer had “Code 3 trauma” with a hemorrhage in the upper thigh that was being controlled with a trauma tourniquet.

The VFD post pointed out, “To [the] recollection of our membership, we have not had an incident like this. This is a reminder that there are many hazards to be aware of when you are at the beach…Please be safe.”

Wishing complete recovery to the surfer but don’t you think the volunteer fire department’s “reminder” is a touch harsh?

Fairly unchill?

Surprisingly so for Humboldt.

I suppose you can never judge a volunteer fire department by its cover.

Will you fight?

There is rough and then there is rough and then there is the treatment of sitting longboard champion Joel Tudor by the World Surf League. Oh the pain, the indignity, the sheer ouch ouch of being crowned professional surfing’s oldest number one then not being able to defend title by becoming, once again, professional surfing’s oldest number one.

For as the influential Log Rap has just announced:

Well it’s confirmed, @joeljitsu is suspended from WSL competition until the end of 2022, meaning he won’t be at Malibu this year to defend his world title. Full interview with new Senior Tour Manager @kirraseale on the future of the WSL Longboard Tour.

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The Britannica Encyclopedia adds:

On August 23, 1305, Wallace was conveyed to Westminster Hall, where he was indicted and condemned to death. There was no trial because he was declared a traitor to the king; Wallace emphatically denied this charge, as he had never sworn allegiance to Edward. That same day he was hanged, disemboweled, and finally beheaded and quartered at Smithfield. His head was set on London Bridge and his limbs exposed at Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling, and Perth.

The last flex of such draconian nastiness.

Tudor, you will remember, was “indefinitely suspended” after challenging the World Surf League over its performative equality.

Will you fight?

Every man dies but not every man truly lives etc.

Oh what might have been.

Oh what might have been. As folk everywhere have come to know, the World Surf League is on an unprecedented tear in sport. Numbers through the roof. To the moon. Professional surfing, at its highest level, more popular than the National Basketball Association, European soccer, American football too.

An unprecedented run though, notably missing, any celebrity endorsement. Certainly beloved actor Jonah Hill, race car rebel Lewis Hamilton and other heavy names have fallen in love with our favorite pastime, at a participation level, but not one name bigger than Chris Cote there taking in the action, live and in person, on Lower Trestles’ cobbled stone for the historic spike.

Cote certainly wonderful and important, historically, but no Mark Zuckerberg.

Facebook’s founder and CEO, rich, universally known, dabbled in our obsession in recent years becoming a big wave surfer, palling around with BFF Kai Lenny but then blush off rose as he declared his number one passion is choking and rolling and mixing his martial arts.

America’s 11th richest person, though, just transitioned his love of violence into actual fandom. Early reports suggested that he so enjoys sweaty men bloodying each other that he rented out the entire Ultimate Fighting Championships 211 “fight night” thereby barring media from covering.

CEO Dana White denied the charge, calling it lies, but media was not allowed to attend and Zuckerberg was there, hollering, front row, posing with the aforementioned White, otherwise feted.

But what do you imagine Zuckerberg’s skincare regiment is? How does he maintain such shine? Youthful Cesar cut?

More importantly, how sad is World Surf League CEO Erik Logan that he is not called “The Boss” and also has no famous affirmation?

Openly weeping, I’d imagine.

Jack Dorsey, are you there? It’s me, ELo.

Etc.