Paddy groans ecstatically during ice-bath immersion, all under the watchful eye of the great Laird Hamilton.

UFC superstar Paddy “The Baddy” Pimblett in bruising hour-long encounter with legendary big-wave surfer Laird Hamilton, “Pipeline is the most violent beach in the world!”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

A steamy two-part rendezvous!

A holiday to Malibu, California, wouldn’t be complete without a visit to the compound of Laird Hamilton, a well-proportioned fifty-eight-year-old Hawaiian-born man, a superhuman some might say, who deals in the wellness game. 

In the case of Paddy Pimblett, the latest UFC sensation, three fights, all wins, able to fight at 155 and walk around a week later at 200, nostrils that flare with the scent of blood, eyes that dilate like targets on a rifle range, it’s a two-part rendezvous. 

In part one, Paddy, closer to 200 than 155, lifts dumbbells in the water and runs around the bottom of the swimming pool, weighted, does breathing exercises, plunges into an ice bath and behaves as if ice picks have been driven into his eye sockets and enjoys a sauna. 

Part two is an hour-long interview where Laird roams across a variety of topics including an explanation of the difference between fighting and violence, his dive into the superfood biz (“It’s a good product I developed for myself and then I shared it with friends”), inventing paddleboarding, inventing foil-boarding, inventing tow-surfing and so on. 

Compelling.

Comments
0
Load Comments
0

In draconian flex not seen since Scottish hero William Wallace disemboweled by English king circa 1305, sitting longboard champ Joel Tudor confirmed disallowed to defend crown!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Will you fight?

There is rough and then there is rough and then there is the treatment of sitting longboard champion Joel Tudor by the World Surf League. Oh the pain, the indignity, the sheer ouch ouch of being crowned professional surfing’s oldest number one then not being able to defend title by becoming, once again, professional surfing’s oldest number one.

For as the influential Log Rap has just announced:

Well it’s confirmed, @joeljitsu is suspended from WSL competition until the end of 2022, meaning he won’t be at Malibu this year to defend his world title. Full interview with new Senior Tour Manager @kirraseale on the future of the WSL Longboard Tour.

The Britannica Encyclopedia adds:

On August 23, 1305, Wallace was conveyed to Westminster Hall, where he was indicted and condemned to death. There was no trial because he was declared a traitor to the king; Wallace emphatically denied this charge, as he had never sworn allegiance to Edward. That same day he was hanged, disemboweled, and finally beheaded and quartered at Smithfield. His head was set on London Bridge and his limbs exposed at Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling, and Perth.

The last flex of such draconian nastiness.

Tudor, you will remember, was “indefinitely suspended” after challenging the World Surf League over its performative equality.

Will you fight?

Every man dies but not every man truly lives etc.

Comments
0
Load Comments
0

World Surf League executives openly weep at lost opportunity as one-time enthusiast Mark Zuckerberg completes pivot to combat sport, feted front row at UFC Fight Night 211!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Oh what might have been.

Oh what might have been. As folk everywhere have come to know, the World Surf League is on an unprecedented tear in sport. Numbers through the roof. To the moon. Professional surfing, at its highest level, more popular than the National Basketball Association, European soccer, American football too.

An unprecedented run though, notably missing, any celebrity endorsement. Certainly beloved actor Jonah Hill, race car rebel Lewis Hamilton and other heavy names have fallen in love with our favorite pastime, at a participation level, but not one name bigger than Chris Cote there taking in the action, live and in person, on Lower Trestles’ cobbled stone for the historic spike.

Cote certainly wonderful and important, historically, but no Mark Zuckerberg.

Facebook’s founder and CEO, rich, universally known, dabbled in our obsession in recent years becoming a big wave surfer, palling around with BFF Kai Lenny but then blush off rose as he declared his number one passion is choking and rolling and mixing his martial arts.

America’s 11th richest person, though, just transitioned his love of violence into actual fandom. Early reports suggested that he so enjoys sweaty men bloodying each other that he rented out the entire Ultimate Fighting Championships 211 “fight night” thereby barring media from covering.

CEO Dana White denied the charge, calling it lies, but media was not allowed to attend and Zuckerberg was there, hollering, front row, posing with the aforementioned White, otherwise feted.

But what do you imagine Zuckerberg’s skincare regiment is? How does he maintain such shine? Youthful Cesar cut?

More importantly, how sad is World Surf League CEO Erik Logan that he is not called “The Boss” and also has no famous affirmation?

Openly weeping, I’d imagine.

Jack Dorsey, are you there? It’s me, ELo.

Etc.

Comments
0
Load Comments
0
Medina (right) with other catches Neymar Jr. (center) and volleyball gold medalist Bruno Rezende. @gabrielmedina
Medina (right) with other catches Neymar Jr. (center) and volleyball gold medalist Bruno Rezende. @gabrielmedina

As Brazilians head to polls for “historic” election some fear might tip country into chaos, surf champ Gabriel Medina reminds panicked public that he is single and ready to mingle!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

"I am a good catch!"

The eyes of the world, today, are focused on the South American country of Brazil where citizens are currently heading to the voting booths for a “historic” election pitting sitting president Jair Bolsonaro against one-time president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva. According to most polls Lula, who sits on the left-ish of the political spectrum, has a comfortable lead though Bolsonaro, hard-esque right, is claiming that if he loses the final tabulations it will be because of fraud.

Brazil, as students of history know, was a military dictatorship from the mid 1960s to the mid 1980s and pundits fear that if Bolsonaro falls short, he may either push on the levers of power to remain in office or stoke violent protests on the streets, shoving the country into chaos.

Much worry and hand wringing except not for three time surfing champion Gabriel Medina. The national hero, who once participated in a wonderful three-way with the aforementioned Bolsonaro and very close friend Neymar Jr., took to Instagram not hours ago with this scintillating message.

The rough English translation being, “Taking advantage of the fact that everyone is talking about politics, I would like to say that I am a good catch.”

But who could forget that Medina’s marriage to model Yasmin Brunet ended abruptly this past January. The family, which had been strained, blew nuclear in the aftermath as salacious details, accusations, counter-accusations poured into the regional press.

Well, things calmed down, as things do, and, I think, Medina’s sentiment is as accurate as any. He is still young, handsome, wealthy and talented. Any gal bringing him home to meet the parents, as it were, would be met with instant approval.

The very picture of success.

Left or right, junta or democracy, everything comes up Medina.

Comments
0
Load Comments
0
Brazil's Maya Gabeira almost buys the metaphorical farm at Teahupoo in 2011.

Fears mount over potential for Olympian deaths at Paris 2024’s extreme surf venue Teahupoo, “The danger zone is everywhere, everywhere!”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

“You are unprepared. You are endangering people around you… if you continue to do what you’re doing, you’re gonna die.

A couple of days back on their podcast The Grit the noted surf broadcaster David Lee Scales and his loudmouth hoodlum sidekick Charlie Smith spoke eloquently of the folly of Paris 2024 Olympic qualifiers being held at lightweight venues Huntington Beach and El Salvador. 

Wrote Chas, “The sheer absurdity of using those waves as a gauntlet for the ‘Left of Doom’ is, according to David Lee Scales, ‘an act of wilful negligence bordering on sociopathy.”

Now, following the episode, fear is growing that surfers from minnow countries for whom honour is everything will, when faced with ten-foot Teahupoo, choose the death-or-glory option over prudence and an early exit from the event. 

The last athlete to be killed during the Olympics was Portugal’s first marathon entrant, Francisco Lazaro, who died of heat exhaustion at the thirty-click mark during the 1912 Games.

A couple of stiffs during training, bike and luge, in the nineteen sixties and eleven Israeli athletes murdered by Palestinian terrorist at the 1972 Munich Games, but, for our purposes, we ain’t counting ‘em. 

The 2024 Games, which runs July 27-29, 2024, will feature 48 surfers, 24 male and 24 female athletes, eight more compared to Tokyo 2020.

As a sort of measure of the wave’s heaviness, at this year’s Teahupoo event the reigning world surfing champion, Filipe Toledo, reprised his “brave act of cowardice” from 2015 (Toledo didn’t take off on a wave in a heat against countryman Italo Ferreira) when he appeared to choke in perfect eight-foot waves, holding priority for fifteen-odd minutes while Slater and Hedge exchanged beneath him.

In contrast, the big-wave surfer Maya Gabeira almost died at Teahupoo in 2011, on a day deemed too big by the greatest surfer of all time, Kelly Slater. 

In a DM to Gabeira, Slater wrote, 

“You are unprepared. You are endangering people around you when they have to go in and rescue in such scenarios. I think if you continue to do what you’re doing, you’re gonna die. So I highly suggest you stop.”

Advice that might be equally given to less storied competitors if a swell does arrive on those fixed dates in July.

Whatever happens, very good for television.

Comments
0
Load Comments
0
Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
EAT BEACHGRIT SPAM!
It's Daily!