Inspirational.

It’s a devilishly horrible thing to wake up, Sunday morning, and have Mitchell Saladbar being the first voice heard. Tortured Spanish over-pronunciations of Portuguese words. Earnestly explaining how the “stalefish air” is a “skate-inspired move.” But it was the finals at the world’s most unpopular surfing grand slam and I knew you might be vaguely interested in who won.

 

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When I tuned in, Caroline Marks was being chaired up the beach, after dispatching Gabriela Bryan for the women’s crown. Andrew Tate acolyte Cole Houshmand was one of the two men giving her a ride and will no doubt hear harsh recriminations from his master soon.

“Remember, my young G, women are intrinsically lazy.”

The conditions in Peniche, Portugal were objectively rotten, wind-whipped, garbage. Tour leader Italo Ferreira up against Yago Dora in the yuck. The two Brazilians did the best they could, punching into the air, wrapping clean turns, building houses of mid-6s. The goofy-footers did put on a show, amazing considering the canvas, but as time ticked down, Dora held a feeble lead.

And continued to hold even though Saladbar described Ferreira’s season, thus far, as a “miracle.”

But no supernatural help for the “fastest, fittest surfer on the planet.” The two-time champion snagged a wave in the last five minutes, busted a straight-air shifty, also skate-inspired, but, again, not enough.

Yago Dora for the win.

“Stoy-ic,” as Saladbar pronounces “stoic,” until the end.

"The amount of critics and people I've heard yapping along the way just clearly not understanding..."

Europe’s Grand Slam, the MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal, did not run yesterday, not that anyone would have watched. The event, which began in Autumn 2023, has been neither good nor fun. Surf fans, thus, have found other adjacencies by which to be entertained. In the United States of America, March Madness is entering its first weekend. In Great Britain, the teenage dart phenomenon Luke Littler too down Michael Van Gerwen in a “180-crazy Cardiff thriller.”

And over in China, Lewis Hamilton absolutely crushed the 19-lap sprint in a lights-to-flag victory. It was the Great Britain’s first ever sprint win but, more notably, also his first behind the wheel of a shiny new Ferrari.

Hamilton used to race for Mercedes, of course, and shocked the world when he traded German engineering for Italian chaos. While the Australian premier did not go well, the Chinese win gave the diminutive racer a good opportunity to say “see-I-told-you-so. “The first race was difficult and obviously,” the 40-year-old declared. “I think I really do feel a lot of people underestimated the steep climb it is to get into a new team, to become acclimatized within the team and understanding communication and all sorts of things. The amount of critics and people I’ve heard yapping along the way just clearly not understanding, maybe they’ve never had the experience or just unaware, so it’s felt great to come here and feel comfortable in the car, because in Melbourne I didn’t feel comfortable in the car.”

Important to surf fans is the very close relationship between Hamilton and the 11x world surf champion Kelly Slater. “He probably doesn’t know this but Kelly changed my life for the better,” Hamilton wrote after a Surf Ranch session, continuing, “I want you all to know how great of a human being this man is. I am forever grateful for the time you have given me, for the insight and your passion for the waves. Thank you @kellyslater! Can’t wait until we can hit the waves again.”

Unfortunately, Kelly Slater once almost had him killed, Hamilton sharing, “Biggest wipeout I had I was with Kelly Slater, on Pipeline. It was like 20ft waves (at Pipeline) and Kelly was like ‘there’s no way you’re coming out there. You’re crazy.’ I turn around and see this set of four waves coming and that for me was like: “it’s over, it’s all over.’ As I threw my board, I dove down and grabbed the reef and I could hear this wave crash behind me. My board got ripped and snapped in half. I came back up, obviously gasping for air and the next one was coming so back down, grabbed the reef again as another wave comes over. So I did that three times. I got up, I’d nearly run out of air. I’d nearly drowned, but managed to swim back from there.”

20-foot Pipe.

Yikes.

The Chinese Grand Prix is on tonight, midnight, California time. Hamilton 5th on the grid.

"Become your own Elon Musk."

Have you ever dreamed of becoming incomprehensibly rich while doing the thing you love the most? Well, today might be your lucky day. Days ago, attendees of Belmar, New Jersey’s City Council meeting learned that the city’s famed surf camp did not have a current operator. Its contract with Summertime Surf, which had given private lessons on Belmar’s gorgeous beach for the past decade, had expired in 2024.

Councilwoman Caitlin Donovan, stunned that surfing season was approaching so quickly with no accredited surf instruction institution in the fold, gasped, “I think time is of the essence here…” as she noted that other camps are already open for registration, and potential vendors will be looking to lock in dates quickly.

The Council very much agreed that the license must hurriedly go up for auction though have yet to pick a date leaving you, dreamer, with time.

But how much would you bid for the exclusive right to push excited folk into Atlantic ripples?

“Belmar was voted in 2014, the #1 beach in Central Jersey in the Top Ten Beaches Competition, and #6 in all of New Jersey,” the town’s website boasts, continuing:

Our beaches are home to the most colorful and fun beach playgrounds in New Jersey. In addition to this series of playgrounds every few blocks, several of our beaches are devoted to activities like boogie boarding, kayaking and surfing. We even offer a surf camp at 3rd Ave. Beach, where kids of all ages can take surfing lessons. For older beachgoers who prefer dry land activities, several of our beaches are equipped with poles for volleyball nets.

It is one of those sandy utopias which requires a “beach badge” so the riffraff certainly won’t be there clogging up the surf camp’s good work.

Keep current on auction information here.

Become your own Elon Musk.