Fantasy Surf League bloodbath after Bells Beach Pro runs in ‘catastrophic…damp misery’ surf

“Congratulations for speed-running the annihilation of half the Surfival field while simultaneously alienating every viewer expecting world-class surfing.”

It was a bloodbath in the much-vaunted, at least around here, Surfival League, with a staggering thirty-one percent of the field losing on day one after Georgie Pittar goose-stepped over event fav Ethan Ewing, and another eleven percent out after 2024 Bells winner Cole Houshmand was sent home by journeyman Alejo Muniz.

The mood was summed up, best, by Brian from Cardiff, who wrote:

Like any PTSD (Post-Traumatic Surfivor-loss Disorder) sufferer, I did my due diligence-studied the Bells heat draw like it was the Zapruder film and refreshed the forecast so many times I’m surprised NOAA didn’t send a wellness check.

With great conditions and swell blessing the entire back half of the waiting period, it never once crossed my mind that the allegedly sentient lifeforms steering the WSL ship would clusterfuck it so catastrophically as to run round one in absolute dogshit windblown sewer slop. I briefly consoled myself with the idea that, fine, let the rookies flail around in the washing machine.

A little schadenfreude.

But then round two: somehow they didn’t just shit the bed they barfed on it, set the bed on fire, pissed it out, and then dove headfirst into the ashes by running heats in even worse conditions before slamming into a completely predictable hold. Truly elite decision-making.

So congratulations, you profoundly useless meat puppets, for speedrunning the annihilation of half the Surfivor field while simultaneously alienating every viewer who tuned in expecting world-class surfing and instead got a livestream of damp misery I wouldn’t paddle into for $100 – and that’s after enduring two straight years of California serving up liquid disappointment.

At this point, the WL isn’t a governing body, it’s a vestigial organ: inflamed, nonfunctional, and somehow still capable of causing immense pain.

I, for one, will be boycotting the rest of the season – less out of protest, more out of basic self-preservation.

Yours in suffering, Brian, Cardiff.

Participants in Surfival would be advised to follow, always, the advice, even if it is a little dated now, of Tom Biddell who has playing Surfival since its inception five years ago.

1 never pick a colapinto

2 don’t tell people your pick before the rd32

3 don’t save JJF for later

4 rookies and wildcards are not to be picked

5 never pick the person who won the last event

6 never pick slater at pipe

7 never pick the previous years event winner

8 Pupos can’t be trusted

9 always pick Jordy at J bay

10 the heat draw matters more than the forecast

11 goofs are ok at rights, regulars are never ok at lefts

12 Caio will surprise you but italo will not

13 Never pick the yellow jersey

14 Never pick a Ewing at Bells

Happy Easter, yes?