New maritime worry for surfers after Tom Hanks’ boy Chet reveals he is a pirate

“But these are the facts: I commandeered a vessel. So, technically, I am a pirate..."

Never before in the history of surfing has it been more dangerous to be a surfer. Threats on land include tripping and falling over miniature sawhorses, contacting conjunctivitis after getting splashed in the eye by someone using a rinse kit, falling into depression. Threats at sea include being eaten by a shark, being put to sleep by Joel Tudor and, now, being ravished by Tom Hanks’ boy Chet, who recently revealed he is a pirate.

Appearing on the program Today with Jenna and Sheinelle, Hanks shared, “I was on vacation in Puerto Rico, like, about a month ago, and me and my friends went out on a boat, but it was a very small boat. And when we parked the boat, there was this huge party going on a megayacht. There was probably like four dudes on the boat and like probably like 200 women. And we were like, ‘We have to get on that boat.’  “I disembarked our small boat and I swam probably about 200 yards to the big boat and I boarded it.”

The man-hating megayacht owners allowed Hanks aboard and that’s when it dawned on him.

“But these are the facts: I commandeered a vessel. So, technically, I am a pirate and nobody can take that from me.”

“After I commandeered that vessel and I realized that I truly am a pirate, the logical next thing was I need some pirate gold,” Hanks continued, “I bought a gold coin from 1703 under the reign of King Philip the Fifth of Spain that was actually minted during the golden age of piracy. It could have very well, very likely could have exchanged hands and been taken as plunder.”

Surfers, everywhere, worrying that a newfound love of commandeering vessels and taking plunder will take further hold in Hanks rendering no lineup in the seven seas safe.

The impending “White Boy Summer” taking a very dark turn.