Who doesn’t dream of being the next Joe G or Kai Neville? Fame, fortune, models waiting anxiously in every port, children emulating your every move. “My life is an earthly paradise…” Joe G says. “I want for nothing…” Kai Neville says.
Well guess what? You can join their ranks! The Canary Islands Surf Film Award, to be given out at the 2016 Canary Islands Surf Film Festival, showers the richest purse ever (50,000 euro or 55,000 American dollars) on one lucky boy or girl. You? Why not! All that needs be done is to make a film in the Canary Islands and have surfing, bodyboarding, windsurfing or kiteboarding as the main theme!
“The Canary Islands are an international reference location for the practice of wind and waves sports. For this reason, we believe that the commitment to the water sports tourism has to go through promoting activities that represent the passion and culture that surround these nautical disciplines,” Maria Mendez, managing director of Canary Islands Tourism Board, says.
Your film must be submitted by August 1st 2016 (a whole year away!) and “capture the passion for the ocean, water sports and the islands’ lifestyle.”
And then you can be the next Joe G. Or Kai Neville.
Impossible to progress, you don't get no respect and you'll never be a pro surfer…
Australia is a coastal nation. Just look at our population centres on Google Earth, if you really want to see it. We cling like limpets to the coastline, tenacious little gastropods. Superficially, it looks like we all live within a short stroll of the beach.
But nothing could be more untrue. Most kids, most surfers, in Australia are car or bus or train rides from the closest rideable waves. And when you’re a kid or carless, it paints your surf experience a different hue to the guy who opens a window blind in the mornings to check the surf.
I did it. I grew up in the burbs of WA. I could ride my bike, but it would take me and hour-and-a-half, or I could wait around for parents that had no concept of Western Australia’s deadly summer onshores.
It’s a struggle living in the suburbs when all you want to do is throw yourself in the ocean. Here’s what the suburban surf rat is up against.
1. I can’t get no respect
On Saturday morning, the bus or the train disgorges you at the beach. You’re there! You smell the combination of salt air and rotting seaweed and you feel… good. Better than you’ve felt all week. So why are those people jeering at you? Why do you get paddled around in the water? Because, according to the surfers who’ve been fortunate enough to live there, you don’t belong. And because you’re surfing once a week, your clumsy jams don’t help. Which leads to…
2. It’s impossible to progress
All the Kai Neville movies, all the web clips in the world, all the visualisation and “surf-specific training” means nothing if you’re getting time in the water.
3. You don’t fit in anywhere
At school, there’s the sport’s guys, the skaters, the DJs, the guys who play guitars, the chess gang. But no surfers. And so you wander around the yard without a soul to share your dreams of nailing a front spin. If you’re lucky, you might find a like-minded pal, but mostly they don’t exist.
4. You’ll never be a pro surfer
Oh, this is the cruellest. But without some kind of interested parent who’ll spend their life shuttling you to and from the beach, and at least some native ability, your dream of being the next Jordy Smith ain’t gonna happen. Maybe you’ll become a writer, or a photographer, instead.
5. Surf mags forget about you
Pick up a surfing magazine (or snow or skate) for that matter, and how much of it’s content is revealing the great secrets of performance as applied to the beginner-intermediate surfer? None. It’s not until you’re landing airs the mags start to throw a few tips your way. But how do you get there?
6. It’s a waiting game
Waiting for trains, buses, parents, waiting for a pick up, waiting in line for a wave, waiting, waiting. It gets very old.
7. You become obsessed by accessories
When you can’t get a fix of surf every day, you become obsessed by all the trinkets, all the gimcrackery that surrounds the game. Deep down, you know a board and a pair of trunks is all you need, but there’s something about buying…something… that makes you feel connected to the sport you love.
8. You might never bust out
So many of us become weighted with inertia, with family ties, with jobs and everything else, we never break out of our suburban chains. It’s a horror! Don’t let it be you!
Anythingthat begins “Dear mainland…” is priceless in my book especially when said by someone who is Hawaiian and directed at someone haole.
Kona Brewing Company advertisements, which all begin “hey mainland” have been playing on mainland televisions for maybe a year and are very nice. The Hawaiians on screen play ukulele, speak with a delightful patois and trot out a vision of island life that certainly titillates. Just the best. There is no choking out or ice because why? Hawaii is aloha. Kona Brewing was born in a pub on Hawaii’s Big Island and has become popular enough to open restaurants and things. Its beer tastes like all beer, which is to say good enough but not as good as vodka. In any case, I’m drinking vodka right now.
But watch the advertisement anyhow and then drink vodka.
Will the $80 Kingii change big-wave surfing… forever? Includes a compass too. Wait… North Shore is… that way!
Are you the type of foolhardy moron who likes to play in the ocean despite a total lack of ability? Do you wish you could kill your child while retaining plausible deniability? Are you frustrated by the presence of an overly healthy rotator cuff?
If so, you’re in luck! With the new Kingii water safety device, the latest in poorly thought-out crowdfunded inventions, all your dreams can come true!
Where is the Kingii useful? Just watch their video and you’ll find it’s perfect for:
“…a situation where an adult may not be present.” Because who has time to monitor their children in the backyard pool?
But what if your kid is too scared to swim unsupervised? No problem! Extensive testing has found that “giving kids Kingii makes them confident in the water.” Which is great, everyone knows that, in an aquatic environment, confidence trumps actual ability nine times out of ten.
And it’s not only for helping keep your progeny’s hand dry while their blue corpse floats just below the surface. Kingii also has awesome surfing applications!
I reached out to Alec Booker, the guy handling press inquiries for Kingii to find out more. While he couldn’t tell me what size surf it was tested in, he was very assertive in claiming that it was tested by “established surfers who were “receptive to the weight and safety features.” Receptive!
Another of the Kingii awesome features is that it requires a proprietary CO2 cartridge, priced at only five times the cost of pre-existing cartridges, guaranteeing it will work in a sticky situation, without burdening consumers with ability to quickly and easily purchase replacements at their local sporting goods store.
But wait, there’s more!
The Kingii comes with compass attached, perfect for those times you find yourself floating miles out to sea with no idea where land lies. By taking a simple bearing you’ll be able to easily determine in which direction you should undertake a miles long swim with an inflated bag attached to one wrist. And it has a whistle too!
It’s only a matter of time until the Kingii water safety device becomes all pervasive, and we laugh at the backwards past when people relied on idiotic notions like life vests and swim lessons to keep themselves safe in the water.
But don’t take my word for it, here’s what others have to say:
“Kingii is the perfect alternative to life jackets for beginner and advanced swimmers of any age. Now, for those who would previously forgo wearing a life vest, they can have the same security without the restrictions or discomfort.”
-Tom Agapiades, Kingii founder
“It’s a simple safety precaution that seems obvious in retrospect.”
– Devin Coldewey, NBC News
“The Kingii is one of those why the hell didn’t I think of that? inventions.”
-Juan Hernandez, The Inertia
“This is a crowdfunded project, and as such may not deliver what its creators initially promise. Most crowdfunding sites, like Kickstarter and Indiegogo, have policies about what happens to your money if the project fails to deliver on its goals, but choosing to back a project is inevitably a risk.”
“I’ve had six babies and five of them were born in the ocean. I got bit by a brown recluse spider on my face.”
– Some crazy lady I picked up hitchhiking
“…the team admits there’s no way of knowing how many people its proposed approach could save…”
-Liat Clark, Wired Magazine
Yessir, the Kingii water safety device is a godsend for neglectful parents and water enthusiasts alike. Just pop one on your young’uns wrists, have a few margaritas, take a nice long nap, and you’ll be able to watch your disposable income levels soar!
Once relegated to the mists of time, our noble brothers are back!
I just posted a fine story about Marcus Mariota, Oregon Heisman winning quarterback, NFL star in waiting, not signing his rookie contract because he wants to surf (read here). But I was wrong. New information has come to light from Portland news beacon The Oregonian.
“…Mariota is a native of Hawaii, where surfing is a national sport. Mariota knows how to surf, but he has said he’s more of a body boarder. The report also explains why surfing would be good for Mariota in terms of muscle relaxation and rehabilitation. In addition, surfing can help Mariota unwind by allowing him to get away from the pressures of being the face of the Titans franchise.”
And there you have it. Body boarder. I have been made aware, very recently, of a sea-change happening in the boogie community mostly from following the Instagram account DickDraggers. (you should follow too) At first I thought the posts were just funny riffing…and maybe they are…but more often than not a total hipster shows up shooting the sandy curl. It is amazing. And with the Marcus Mariota news, I think true. Bodyboarding is officially back. If you start today, you can scoff at all the bandwagon jumpers that follow. I think it is a can’t miss opportunity. Now get that body on a boogie!