Rory Parker reports on the first half of the WSL's Peahi Challenge…
Derek hit me up mid-morning yesterday.
“…this [Pe’ahi] goes tomoz.
Want to go? Airfares are around 300…
Grab a hirecar for 75?
I’ll pay…”
Of course I’m in. Maui’s a milk run, and this’d be the first time someone else (other than my wife) paid for me to travel. True reportage, I’ve arrived!
I was heading out the door for a surf, my wife was on her second beer of the day and wanted to stay behind. I put her in charge of monitoring my emails, whatever the details make it happen.
I had a miserable session. Too much on my mind, trying to mentally dial logistics. Getting to Maui could be more difficult than dear Derek realizes, Hawaiian Airlines is thoroughly enjoying its current monopoly. The wife took a last minute flight to Oahu a few weeks back, $600, fifteen minutes each way. Pure robbery.
I don’t know anyone on Maui. Fly in late night and sleep in the car? Or get in pre dawn and wait at the gate? Who can I borrow binoculars from? What are we gonna do for pictures? I’ve got a GoPro, an ancient SLR, almost no photo skills. Took a class way back in high school, sitting behind the lens does not speak to me. Photogs are voyeurs, I’m an exhibitionist.
All for naught. Word came down from Dave Prodan, no media credentials for BeachGrit. “We are at capacity for our small media area at Jaws.” No room at the inn for this son of god.
And I think we all know why. Word came down from Dave’s secret Jewish overlords, “BeachGrit isn’t pro-Israel enough! Tell ’em to go get fucked!”
Pe’ahi is a dream venue for the WSL. Fronted by private land, easy to shut down access, control the coverage, eliminate the leeches. Kind of interesting, in the context of our state constitution, which guarantees public access to the ocean. But words on a page mean little to reality, spend a day in Princeville and you’ll enjoy a million “No Trespassing” signs. Nailed to trees, anchored in concrete, by and large bullshit. They dot the roads surrounding the St Regis, roads leading to public access trails and ample parking, a litmus test which keeps the coast clear of rule followers. Not a huge problem if you’re willing to stare down security and get unloose a little aggression.
Which was an option. “BeachGrit reporter arrested on Maui,” has a nice ring to it. I have no illusions that I could talk my way in, but I don’t like to take “no” for an answer, and I’m well aware our state plays ball whenever there’s a sniff of money involved. So I’d’ve ended up in Maui lock-up, my lawyer wife would’ve come to the rescue. Worst-case scenario, a trespassing charge, though likely not even that. My record is spotless, I’m great at not getting caught. Hawaiian cops aren’t blood crazed billy club monsters. Well, the Honolulu ones are, but Maui’s peaceful redneck vibe doesn’t breed that kind of power hungry insanity.
So I’m sitting on my filthy couch watching the webcast like the rest of you plebs. Which isn’t so bad. I’ve got a nice assortment of mind altering substances within easy reach, don’t have to wear pants. Don’t have to spend the day surrounded by a bunch of strangers, making small talk, squinting into the distance at tiny specks drawing white lines down blue walls.
I recently upgraded my internet connection, so I can watch the carnage in gorgeous HD. And I’ve gotta give it to the WSL, the coverage is top-notch. Sure, I don’t get to taste the salt spray or feel that thunder in my gut, but the production team is on fucking point. Helicopters and water cams and long lenses shooting from a distance, all vantages far superior to anything you’d get in person.
I watched the last Eddie run from a perch cliff side above the Bay and was bored out of my mind.
It’s not perfect at Pe’ahi today, wind and bump and the early morning, pre heat session, showed some hesitancy. Guys sitting wide, sets rolling through. Butterflies in the bellies of the craziest surfers in the world.
Then Dorian got a bomb. Of course. Who else would it be? Mark Matthews was next up, separated a shoulder before the event even began. So sorry, buddy, those things hurt. Hope it ain’t too bad, been there done that. Recovery from grade three and beyond is a real motherfucker.
“These guys are dragon slayers, and for the last ten years or so we haven’t seen any dragons. And you start to wonder, am I a dragon slayer, are there even dragons? Why am I here? Well, today the dragons showed up, and the dragon slayers are here to get ’em. It’s as gnarly as it gets.”
Concern for life and limb went out the window. Kemper’s a fucking maniac, well deserved first heat win. Wassel, my hero, the man I was rooting for (well aware of the Aussie definition of that word), got caught by the wind and sucked over the falls of hell. Burle got beat, again and again.
This event is shaping up to be the WSL’s wet dream. Huge, consistent, nary a break in the action. In the context of the BWWT, this is going to the precedent to which all future events aspire. Which won’t happen, can’t happen. We’re watching something special. We might be watching someone die. The competitors are feeding off each others’ adrenaline, pushing harder and deeper with every set.
Dave Kalama’s behind the mic, dropping gold.
“These guys are dragon slayers, and for the last ten years or so we haven’t seen any dragons. And you start to wonder, am I a dragon slayer, are there even dragons? Why am I here? Well, today the dragons showed up, and the dragon slayers are here to get ’em. It’s as gnarly as it gets.”
Not even a drop of hyperbole there.
Water safety’s gonna sleep well tonight. Every wave requires a rescue. The skis aren’t saving time, getting the guys in the lineup to keep the action on. They’re saving lives, a swarm of heroes flying into danger without a thought of self preservation.
And Greg fucking Long. A massive bottom turn to closeout barrel in heat two. The human body is remarkably resilient. Dude’s already died once, he still wants more? Da Bull got a mere taste of this shit and quit, ran and hid in the Pacific Northwest.
The scoring is confusing, does a made wave really trump a suicidal failed attempt? Not that it matters.
I wonder what the insurance situation is for the competitors? Is the WSL picking up the tab? Are the guys independent contractors responsible for themselves?
And Greg fucking Long. A massive bottom turn to closeout barrel in heat two. The human body is remarkably resilient. Dude’s already died once, he still wants more? Da Bull got a mere taste of this shit and quit, ran and hid in the Pacific Northwest.
There was a famous incident in skateboarding, way back in ’07. The early days of the mega ramp movement, Jake Brown flailed to flats from four stories up. Fractured wrist, fractured vertebrae, bruised liver, bruised lung, ruptured spleen and a concussion. But he got second place, $20,000! Which went to hospital bills, while ESPN flogged the footage for millions in exposure.
I had to check on how much the WSL is kicking down. $25k for first place, $100K total purse. The boys need a union, huh? More lucrative to hop your ass to the beach in onshore Huntington slop. But these guys are in it for the love alone, and it’s real easy to take advantage of that type of person. Out here we call it the “aloha tax,” code for “Fuck you, I’m earning, you’re lucky to have a job.”
Holy hell, is the human body resilient or what? There’ll be plenty of pain tomorrow, trips to the chiropractor, masseuse, scrips for Flexeril handed out like candy. But for now the adrenaline’s enough. Totally numb, those torn muscles won’t start screaming for hours.
Heat three’s a little slower, not a bad thing. Give us all a chance to catch our breath, let the chopper circle around, use the scenery to provide some context. They sure kept the the site setup small. Great for the environment, no doubt. Though it sure looks like there’s plenty of space for some asshole from BG.
Albee Layer is riding an 8’6”? What the fuck is that? That’s my biggest “big wave” board, double leash plugs, super heavy glassed, used it in surf maybe half this size, scared out of my mind, barely getting over the ledge. It’s not like he’s Healey sized, Albee’s a big boy. Giant by pro surfer standards.
Tyler Larronde is charging, and getting his ass beat. Yuri Soledad went left. First of the day, I think.
I’m in awe of the ski drivers. Once, years ago, hubris got the best of me and I headed to an outer reef on a buddy’s ski. Just checking things out, motoring around, eventually getting cocky and flipping us in front of an oncoming set. Barely got back on before it detonated behind me, poor passenger had drifted too far to grab. Save the ski, save the ski, save the ski!
Leaving him behind ate me alive later, in the moment it was my only option. When the whitewater caught me it tore out the kill switch, pushed me onto the face. Powerless, sliding, fumbling to get the fucking thing started before I turned sideways and flipped. Felt so damn lucky when it sputtered to life and I gunned it to the flats.
Screaming back toward the lineup, scanning, hoping, praying to a god I don’t believe in. And there he was, swimming for his life. I got lucky, grabbed him, headed straight in. Never again, not looking to be an object lesson.
Too funny, Albee being frank. “No one will tell you this, but it’s not that good. It’s a three out of ten…”
He’d know. I sure don’t. Is it the wind? The swell direction? The tide? From my perspective it’s the best big wave event I’ve ever seen.
And though it’s only heat four, and the results may end up differently, Dorian won the event before it even started. That pre heat right, side-slipping in to the biggest wave of the day… christ, who’s gonna top that?
Let’s pause a moment and talk about Dave Kalama’s contribution. True knowledge, articulate explanations and analysis. All things too often missing from webcasts. Hopefully the WSL will take that ball and run, bring in some local color at each event, someone who knows the spot and can offer more than empty blather.
Koa was a bit underscored. 0.67 for the best wave bodysurfed seems a little unfair. And it led to the first ski dump of the day, the NASCAR wreck I suspect everyone is secretly waiting for. No one got hurt.
Who am I kidding? Everyone is hurt. Like I mentioned earlier, they just haven’t realized it yet.
The post contest edit is going to be surfing’s equivalent of Welcome to Hell.
In the event you weren’t a skateboarder in the mid-90’s, Welcome to Hell was groundbreaking. A Toy Machine video that jump started skateboarding’s heave-your-body-off-a-cliff movement. The slam section was nearly impossible to watch, but so brutal you couldn’t look away. It showed an entire generation of stupid children just how much punishment the human body can take, pushed people to take more risks, directly led to the modern insanity that is high level skating.
Semis and the final are up next, but I’m over 1800 words already, so let’s take a little break, huh?