Mikey Wright
You may not know this but one Rosy Hodge is dating Electric sunglasses marketing don, and very handsome, Ian Foulke! They are very serious, by all accounts, and do you think Ian is sitting at his desk in San Clemente right now, staring at pictures of young Mikey Wright, steam coming out of ears? Does he have Mikey’s pictured taped to the wall of his cubicle and is he doing push-ups a la Robert De Niro in Cape Fear? Is he driving, furiously, to Orange County’s John Wayne airport, trying to book the very next flight to Coolangatta International? | Photo: Wade Carroll/Vimeo

Blood Feud: Mikey Wright v Electric?

Did your Quiksilver Pro wildcard pick the wrong girl?

It don’t pay to be first, you know. To be a groundbreaker. Look at John Brown. He tried to start an armed insurrection getting slavery banned in the United States in the 1850s only to be hung. Or Susan B. Anthony. She wanted American women to be able to vote but died before ever seeing one cast. Or BeachGrit.

Remember a month ago when we broke Mikey Wright as the Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast wildcard? You probably don’t, because the story went unloved. A few shares, a few comments and that is all.

Well such is life, I suppose.

But at least we got a potential Blood Feud out of it! Stab (2004-2016) conducted a posthumous interview with young Mikey on the eve of his first Championship Tour heat, asking the standard questions including the grammatically confusing:

What are you most looking forward to with at the Quiksilver Pro?

Mikey’s answer? A very clear:

Easy… Getting to do a post-heat interview with Rosy Hodge!

And whoa doggy! Hold on right there!

You may not know this but one Rosy Hodge is dating Electric sunglasses marketing don, and very handsome, Ian Foulke! He wears a full beard and has expressive hands. They are very serious, by all accounts, and do you think Ian is sitting at his desk in San Clemente right now, staring at pictures of young Mikey Wright, steam coming out of ears? Does he have Mikey’s pictured taped to the wall of his cubicle and is he doing push-ups a la Robert De Niro in Cape Fear?

Is he driving, furiously, to Orange County’s John Wayne airport, trying to book the very next flight to Coolangatta International?

Will it be a blood feud?

Only time will tell. And hopefully BeachGrit will be around to bring it to you, neither hung nor dead.

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John John and Kolohe
A pristine white sand beach, deserted but for Kolohe and John John. Slim supple bodies glistening with cocoa butter, sweat beading on their chests and trickling down towards the waist of their low-slung board shorts. The surf is flat, but they don’t care. Their hearts are filled to bursting with unbridled joie de vivre. They exist in a pure moment, filled with a hedonistic disregard for the mundane, unbridled by life’s distractions. Kolohe leans over and playfully pokes John John in the ribs. With a giggle born of innocence John John returns the gesture, his hand lingering just a little longer than necessary. They lock eyes and come together. | Photo: Hurley

Parker: My (Gay) Power Rankings!

Or…how to talk Kanoa Igarashi into a "terrible mistake"… 

International Women’s Day has come and gone, and thank heaven for that. Nothing worse than empowered women. They’re like highly praised precocious children. At first it’s kind of cute, then they start interjecting their thoughts and opinions and feelings into adult conversations.  Hush, baby, better seen and not heard.

Yesterday some obese shut-in commenter who masquerades as a woman online asked if I’d be doing a follow-up for International Men’s Day, come November. I will not, because I don’t observe International Men’s Day. As far as I’m concerned we enjoy that occasion on each of the other 364 days of the year (365 this time around the sun!)

Nothing worse than empowered women. They’re like highly praised precocious children. At first it’s kind of cute, then they start interjecting their thoughts and opinions and feelings into adult conversations.

Besides, International Men’s Day was founded by a Men’s Rights advocate, and I’ll be damned before I get in bed with those soft cock rape apologists. They epitomize everything that’s wrong with the pussification of the modern male, totally unable to take advantage of their innate superiority.

“Oh, it’s sooooo hard to be a man,” they cry.

It isn’t.

It’s best to occasionally give women, even pretend ones, what they want. Makes your life easier, in the long term.

Like how I throw the odd game of chess, let my wife grab a victory, so she’ll keep playing in the future. No big deal, doesn’t cost me nothin’, and it isn’t her fault she’s terrible at the game despite playing hundreds of matches. Females struggle with many facets of life, like opening jars or changing a flat tire or employing logic.

Here’s the follow-up to yesterday, the top ten men of the WCT top 34, as ranked by sex appeal.

10. Jadson Andre: Four words, jug handle head job.

9. Jack Freestone: Seems like the guy most likely to wax his asshole. And while I enjoy a hirsute fellow a clean playing field facilitates hitting it hilt deep.

8. Taj Burrow: A warm brown bear to snuggle on a cold winter night, Taj’d make a top notch sugar daddy.

7. Kanoa Igarashi: Young, impressionable, the type of kid you can talk into making a terrible mistake.

6. Kelly Slater: Sultry Valentino eyes, and the off chance he could pump you full of a bit of his own skill.

5. Matt Banting: His head shot looks like a clean cut Ex-Mormon who got kicked out his his home and learned to earn his keep on the streets of SF’s Castro District.

4. Gabe Medina: I’m not really into guys who shave their pelts, but I’ll make an exception for Gabby. Smother the boy in butter, toss him on the tarp you keep in your basement sex dungeon, and trot him out on special occasions.

3. Owen Wright: On a tour overflowing with short muscled acrobat babies Owen’s the only one built like a real man. He’d play big spoon, I’d nod off towards sweet dreamland while he runs his hands through my own virile crop of man hair.

2. Jeremy Flores: That accent, that fiery temper, that French disposition to the libertine! There’d be shouting and fighting and recrimination, but so much sweet love to temper it all.

1. Julian Wilson: The human equivalent of a kinder egg. But instead of a toy in the center there’s a moist pink virgin’s proxy.

Because I’m never one to miss a chance for synergy, because our audience has swelled recently, and because it’s tangentially related to my previous words, I’d like to re-offer my pitch for Hurley’s newest ad campaign. No one responded to my calls, but maybe this time it’ll find its way into some hands that matter.

Picture this:

A pristine white sand beach, deserted but for Kolohe and John John. Slim supple bodies glistening with cocoa butter, sweat beading on their chests and trickling down towards the waist of their low-slung board shorts. The surf is flat, but they don’t care. Their hearts are filled to bursting with unbridled joie de vivre. They exist in a pure moment, filled with a hedonistic disregard for the mundane, unbridled by life’s distractions.

Kolohe leans over and playfully pokes John John in the ribs. With a giggle born of innocence John John returns the gesture, his hand lingering just a little longer than necessary. They lock eyes and come together.

Laughing, gasping and grunting they begin to roll across the beach, arms and legs tangled. They wrestle with abandon, two young men in their prime delighting in their strength and flexibility.  Kolohe pins JJ for a moment. John John is on his back, Kolohe straddling his hips, shoulders down, back arched. John John reverses, grabbing Kolohe’s wrists and pinning them to the ground. He presses down with all his strength, we see his back muscles ripple, proud firm buttocks pointed skyward, only a thin layer of nylon denying the viewer a glimpse of his pink, blond-fringed, asshole.

They lock eyes again, chests heaving, moist lips slightly parted. There’s a meaning behind the gaze, but is it merely the joy of two competitors testing their strength against each other, or does it spring from something deeper, something more sexual?

Smash cut:

Hurley Boardshorts: Guaranteed to stay on, but so fun to take off.

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Ancient blood feud: Hurley vs. Bong!

Hatred has percolated since 1998. Will it explode this year?

Some blood feuds are fresh, fiery, totally now. Like Gold Coast surfers vs. Mick Fanning. Such vitriol! Others, though, stretch back into the mists of time. Like Bob Hurley vs. Billabong! A generation ago, Mr. Hurley was a simple surfboard shaper with an eye for business. He acquired the United States license for Billabong and things were so on the up and up. Money flowed, everyone was happy. Except apparently Bob. He shocked the surf world by splitting with Australia’s favorite label in 1998 and started America’s favorite eponymous one minutes later, directly competing against his old friends. Nothing says “blood feud” like business!

The years passed, Nike acquired Hurley in 2002, started its own surf team and then dumped it, transferring all pros, some against their wills (there were rumors of tears!), to Hurley. And like that Hurley had a super team! John John and Kolohe, Filipe and Julian, Ace and Michel, Nat and Simpo. But of course there would be multiple World Surf League championship trophies hoisted under the banner of )(. Right?

Except then Gabs Medina won under the banner of Rip Curl and then Adriano de Souza won under the banner of ? And this year, Billabong is back, having assembled a super team of their own, gnashing well-worn teeth directly at Bob and his empire. Let us examine.

 

Hurley’s 2016 CT roster:

Julian Wilson

John John Florence

Filipe Toledo

Michel Bourez

Nat Young

Kolohe Andino

Ace Buchan

Conner Coffin

Miggy Pupo

 

Billabong’s 2016 CT roster:

Taj Burrow

Joel Parkinson

Italo Ferriera

Jack Freestone

Ryan Callinan

 

And whose is better? If you were a betting man would you say the year belongs to Hurley or to Billabong? Let’s bet, man!

P.S. If the above gentlemen were in a band instead of surfers what sort of music would they play? Joel would, for sure, be on bass. Jack lead vocals. Ryan on drums. Italo on rhythm guitar and Taj on lead guitar. Am I wrong?

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Just in: Mick Fanning a “Greedy Pig”!

Fans turn on semi-retired world champion… 

One of the most enduring effects of surfing is the way it grows our contempt for humanity. Far from being free-thinkers and guardians of the universe, the 21st century surfer must, in most instances, scrap and outwit and outmanoeuvre to get even a handful of waves to fight off feelings of irritability and frustration.

You really don’t need me to point out that Snapper through Greenmount is the worst joint on earth for it. There ain’t a way around it. To get waves you’ve gotta ignore every rule you were ever taught about surfing etiquette, about politeness, about empathy. I had a pal who flew up for the Winston swell. In two-and-a-half days he caught six waves. One wave, he said, was “alright.”

A little bonus, I always thought when I lived there, was how much pleasure it gave when a pro surfer dropped in on me. I could see what I thought was improbable, implausible. How important it was to turn sharper, harder, more in the pocket. Those closeout sections could actually be made if y’just ride a little higher, pump a little harder. A free lesson. Who could buy such an intimate angle on world-class surfing?

So why would you bum out when Mick Fanning, maybe the best-ever at Snapper, does a little wave share?

The UK’s Daily Mirror, a two-million-papers-a-day tabloid made for the lower-end of the IQ spectrum, blew air onto the social media embers today after Mick stuffed another local in the barrel.

The headline reads: ‘Did you get any waves where you didn’t burn someone? Greedy pig’: Furious locals accuse pro surfer Mick Fanning of stealing their waves at famous break Snapper Rocks

Let’s examine.

“Locals from Tweed Heads took to social media to call out the surfing pro: They say the three-time world champ is ‘greedy’ and ‘disrespectful: Many took issue with Fanning for tucking into a 24-second barrel this year: To do so he forced a younger surfer who was on the wave first to wipe out.

“Many took particular issue with an instance in January when the 34-year-old clearly pulled in on a younger surfer before tucking into an impressive 24-second barrel.

‘Did u (sic) get any waves where you didn’t burn someone? Greedy pig,‘ one of his critics wrote.

‘Hilarious, everyone’s got so much respect and admiration for Mick, yet he’s out there burning and disrespecting locals on a regular basis,’ another added.

‘I get that he’s a local and they should get there (sic) fill, but for someone that surfs the best waves on the planet all year round, it’s a bit greedy.’

“Tweed Heads, where Fanning grew up with fellow pro surfer Joel Parkinson, is a relaxed coastal city sitting on NSW’s north-eastern tip and a short drive from the Gold Coast.

‘Fanning has had the opportunity to catch so many amazing waves in the past year yet has no problem dropping in on what could be the ride of this guys life,’ one man wrote.

I think surfer mags and sites should boycott any clips where pros snake the average Joe to get the shot.’

I guess when you’re professional surfer Mick Fanning you can drop in on someone, snake their wave, and get the World Surf League to post a video and talk about how ‘well’ you’re doing in the off season. Unreal,’ said another.

“Others were less eloquent with voicing their disapproval.

‘I don’t like Mick Fanning because he’s a dirty rotten drop in snake,‘ one man penned.

‘Fanning is a dog drops in on so many people,’ wrote another.

‘What a deadset kn**, no respect for surf law, can’t wait to see the end of him,’ one man concluded.

What do you think about such a thing? Can you wait to see the end of Mick Fanning? Do you think surfer mags and sites should boycott any clips of pro’s dropping in?

Or,

Are you, like me, thrilled to ride in Fanning or Slater or whomever’s exhaust?

Read the story and see the video here. 

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Warshaw: “What the hell’s a Freestone?”

"And far as a pretty face and serviceable air game not being what they once were, Kolohe proved that two or three years ago..."

Everyone in the surf media game has had their rookie pieces slotted, filed, posted. We tire of writing about the same faces just like you tire of reading about them. And rookies! Promise! Freshness! Youth!

But why am I feeling so tepid this year? Why don’t I care? Is it because I am aging? Well let me then talk to another aging man about the boys and not just any aging man either but the Professor, the esteemed Doctor, the Scholar, Matt Warshaw! Let us sink our yellowed fangs into the supple skin of their necks and suck!

Would you like to join us? Pull up a stool.

Chas: So. Jack Freestone. Does he do anything for you? He seems like a perfect creation. Strong name, stronger jaw, one half of surfing’s golden couple but he leaves me totally cold. You?

Matt: My favorite rookie, nobody else is even close. Are you kidding? Charging Pipe like that at 17! The Moe Howard haircut, the stammer, the brave little voice box. He’s the one to watch!

Chas: Mmmmm, you’re talking about Jack Robinson.

Matt: . . . ?

Chas: Jack Robinson is the teenager from Margaret River. Jack Freestone is older one, from the Gold Coast.

Matt: “Fuck the WSL!” That guy?

Chas: That’s Noa Deane.

Matt: Shit.

Chas: Do you really not keep up with the kids? Do you really not pick your favorites from the womb? How do you know who will be the next Rob Bain?

Matt: It’s from keeping Rob Bain’s good name from disappearing down the sinkhole of history that I don’t keep up with the kids. The best I can do is keep up with Steve Shearer, who keeps up with the kids. Then of course I am swift and agile when it comes to jumping on WCT rookie bandwagons, like I did with Italo last year. Are there any Italo’s in 2016? Isn’t there a new Brazilian kid with a cool name?

Chas: Ciao Ibelli.

Matt: Ciao Ibelli! Well there you go. The Brazzos are better than everyone else before the heat draw even gets posted. I pick Ciao for Rookie of the Year, and Italo for the title.

Chas: That right there is exactly what I was getting at! Have the Brazilians spoiled us? Jack Freestone would have thrilled, had he come on five, ten years ago right? But now a pretty face and a serviceable air game gives us nothing. Right? Are we all brown on the inside or does Jack Freestone have some rabid fans that I am just missing?

Matt: He’s got a quarter-mil followers on Insta, but I don’t know if that number is big in this day and age, or how rabid his fans are. And far as a pretty face and serviceable air game not being what they once were, Kolohe proved that two or three years ago.

Chas: Who do you like at Snapper this week?

Matt: What’s the forecast?

Chas: Medium-small the first week, probably nothing much bigger after that.

Matt: Filipe wins; Medina semis or better, Brazil will load up half the quarterfinal slots. Fanning, though, without the pressure, might run the board. Early exit for Julian Wilson and de Souza. Am I high, or is that just so damn spot on?

Chas: Spot on except I still believe in Jules. He holds the dying ember of my heart.

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