Parker: More Dumb Shark Facts!

Why do anti-shark magnets work, for instance!

A minor shark attack in Bali has the internets abuzz! An American received a wicked chomp on the arm, underwent surgery.

Luckily for the unnamed fellow, it looks as though damage is minimal. Deep lacerations, severe bruising, but little to indicate debilitating injury.

In order to steal some clicks, and help you protect yourself, here are some excellent, but little known, shark facts.

The buggeragong shark, an endemic species native to New South Wales, has a pair of vestigial arms. Their presence leads to top scientists to believe that all sharks share a land dwelling common ancestor.

New research shows that sharks are attracted to mammalian feces, in addition to blood and urine. Previously thought to be due to the prevalence of voiding one’s bowels in life or death situations, a current study indicates that over 80% of shark attacks on humans are caused by poor wiping technique.

In addition to causing a balance enhancing placebo effect in idiots, magnets function as the best shark deterrent currently available. Not because they disrupt sharks’ ability to detect electromagnetic fields, but because dorks are not a part of a shark’s natural diet.

Contrary to popular belief sharks do in fact suffer from cancer, albeit at far lower rates than other species. Ongoing investigations into the reason for the lower rates leads researchers to believe its due to the fact that they smoke hella weed, bro.

In the summer of 1916, New Jersey experienced an epidemic of shark attacks that left four people dead and one severely injured. Two of the fatal attacks occurred in the Matawan Creek, a fresh water stream located miles inland. All five attacks were attributed to a the same hellacious beast with an overpowering thirst for human flesh, willing to do whatever it took in order to slake its rapacious appetites. That shark’s name? Hillary Clinton.

Hammerhead sharks spend the majority of their lives in large schools. Mainly because they’re a bunch of try-hard assholes.

The Great White shark, long thought to be the most powerful of living shark species, is currently in a state of worldwide decline. Leading experts believe it to be caused by reverse racism, as well as political correctness run amok.

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair magazine, the comedian-actor Amy Schumer says, "Forty-one stitches, three layers. I skegged myself. My whole fin went into my leg, and I had to yank it out. I was by myself." | Photo: @Vanity Fair

Surfing (Nearly) Kills Amy Schumer!

"Fat and blood coming out!" says dazzling comedian.

Amy Schumer is a comedian and actor with a bent for filthy sex, ass and death gags. She ain’t afraid to drive people nuts with a little non-PC humour either.

“I used to date Latino guys,” she says in an older stand-up routine. “Now I prefer consensual.”

Anyway, Ms Schumer is the cover gal on the new issue of Vanity Fair along with a profile  “Amy Schumer Is Rich, Famous, and in Love: Can She Keep Her Edge?”

The real juice, however, comes from the outtakes from the interview with Bruce Handy.

Did you know, for example, Schumer surfed as a teen? And once got so “skegged” she had to yank a fin out of her leg?

Let’s read!

Schumer: I was a surfer, too. I have a pretty bad scar on my leg from surfing. Forty-one stitches, three layers. I skegged myself. My whole fin went into my leg, and I had to yank it out. I was by myself. 

Handy: How far out in the water were you?

Far. And I had to pick up my board, swim in. It was just about to be winter and no one was on the beach. But I found like one guy with this other guy. I was like, “I need you to hold my leg.” I was delegating. And he held my leg closed with his bare hands—just fat and blood coming out. I wish I knew who that guy was, because he saved my life, for sure. He had blue toenail polish and nail polish; he had long stringy hair. And I remember him being beautiful. Anyway, he held my leg closed.

An angel.

Yeah. Did he exist? [Laughs]

How scared were you?

I was terrified. I was supposed to go into Manhattan that day with my dad. He was going to come meet me after I surfed for a while. A crowd formed around me and I could see my dad looking for me on the beach. I was like, “That’s my dad. But don’t get him. He’s going to freak out. He’s real sensitive. He’s going to cry.” But they got him. And he just looked at my leg, and he went [makes a sucking sound]. Kind of like sucked his teeth in? And the tide was coming in. So he was like, “Put her on the board! Carry her in more!” And people kept putting towels and towels on me. I was like, “I’m not cold—there’s a hole in my leg.” I was making jokes. It took maybe 15 minutes for the ambulance to get there.

That was my first thought. That’s why I got right out of there. But my thoughts while I was coming out—I remember them. I thought, Well, I’m going to die. I can’t believe I’m going to die like this. Then I’m like, Oh, no [I’m not going to die]—but I’m going to lose my leg. And now I’m going to have to go and be a speaker at high schools and, like, motivate people. I was so annoyed about my life. I was just like, Ucchh. And then it was fine.

surf pool
Here's another one of those artist's impressions of the yet-to-be-built wavepool that gets me…right there… in the upper waters of my nervous system. Oowee, imagine this! Kooks surf the little reforms while you shred out the back. How's that rebound by the goofy on the right!

Wait! Here’s another wavepool design!

The company that gave us Flowrider is back in the game! With Surf Pool™!

Tomorrow, at exactly two pm, the location of Australia’s next Wavegarden tank will be announced. First stop, Tullamarine, next stop…can you guess? Maybe the waveless and bankrupt, post-mining boom city of Perth?

Anyway, it’s gonna be raining wavepools soon. Some will be fierce and squashed and cramped. Others will be remarkable facsimiles of their ocean equivalent. Most will fall a little in-between.

As reported three days ago, there’s no shortage of wave pool companies schlepping their wares to investors, either.

Do you go Wavegarden? American Wave Machines? The unseen Webber and Slater pools?

One design that’s been flying under the radar so far, is the WaveLoch Surf Pool. Remember those Flowriders that were so damn fun to ride, even if they didn’t exactly resemble surfing (finless boards, stationary wave)? They were the work of the Tom Lochtefeld. Tom’s been in the game since the eighties, opening that first Flowrider in Texas in 1991. He knows the central problem to wavepools. They cost too much to build, and way too much to run.

What makes their Surf Pool different to the others, says Wave Loch, is its ability to… make money. Let’s examine the spin.

“Forget the troubled, inefficient wave machines of the past. SurfLoch SurfPool’s™ innovative design offers: consistent, quality waves with unprecedented frequency in the smallest physical footprint, and with the greatest energy efficiency. While the few surfing wave pools in existence have struggled to make ends meet, well over 10 years led to the development and refinement of the proprietary SurfLoch SurfPool™ technology, making what was once infeasible, now financially viable and ready to deploy.”


A development in the English city of Bristol chose WaveLoch over Wavegarden because of its ability to deliver more waves and, supposedly, without the bugs that have bedevilled Surf Snowdonia, Wavegarden’s first commercial tank.

(Here’s the PR vid for The Wave Bristol’s crowdfunding campaign.)

Me? I ain’t convinced about Surf Pool yet.

I like the spin, I like the idea. Cheaper and more reliable means cheaper entry fees and the more likely it is to happen.

But, watch the video below.

Is that… all?

The little mechanical shark is a nice touch, however.

Meanwhile, if you’re ready for a wallop and suck session at a pool, and you’re swinging in Florida, it’s hard to go wrong with three hours (100 waves) at the Typhoon Lagoon. Twelve hundred bucks. Bring your pals. Click here to book. 

Parker: “Surfing’s no fun when you suck!”

Those days when leave the water hating life? Makes you wanna quit, right?

A few days ago, I had one of those sessions that made me want to quit surfing.

Fucking miserable. Timing off, couldn’t link a turn together to save my life. Totally out of rhythm, paddling around like a moron. Constantly putting myself out of position. Left the water absolutely hating life.

Been here before. You have those off days, get a taste of what it’s like to be a total beginner. Makes me wonder how I even learned in the first place. Surfing is really no fun when you suck.

It’s a big part of why I don’t really advertise the BeachGrit thing to people in my day-to-day life. Couldn’t handle them watching me flail one terrible day.

“That guy writes about surfing? What a fucking kook!”

Problem is… I get bored sitting around. And I don’t really know how to do anything else.

Today I had to go get my safety check renewed. In case you’re not familiar, rather than check emissions Hawaii makes you go to a registered mechanic for a safety check each year prior to registration renewal. Ostensibly it’s to make sure you’re not driving a run down nightmare with failing brakes that’ll eventually kill some unsuspecting soul. If you go to a legit place they go over your ride with a fine tooth comb looking for problems. Then hand you an extortionate estimate.

In reality you just go to one of the small independent places. They glance at your car. Honk the horn, flash the brights. Then you pay them twenty bucks for a sticker. Easy as pie. Sorta.

Called in this morning to make sure my mechanic was doing them today. Got a, “Yeah, come on down any time before noon.”

Showed up at ten, was told to come back at two. Minor annoyance, but such a standard Kauai maneuver. You’ve just gotta let it go. Come back later.

Decided to go for a bodysurf in the meantime. Stretch out the arms and legs, have some fun in the ocean. Remember why I like playing in it.

Blowing out my shoulder bodysurfing a few years back turned me into a real pussy during my board-free slide sessions. Went from never thinking about consequences to being a scared little bitch. Not good. Been working to get that shit out of my head ever since.

So it’s good that, twenty minutes into my session, I got hammered into the bottom so hard I thought I’d shit my pants. Hurts, yeah, but each time I escape uninjured it restores a little more bravery. Much needed. At this point in my life I’ve come to accept I need to really embrace experience and confidence. Since, you know, the ability ain’t exactly what I’d like.

Swam around for another hour. Got a great sunburn on the top of my freshly shaved head because, like always, I forgot sunscreen.

After I’d rinsed off the salt, while I sat on a rock enjoying the sun and drinking some water, I watched a rental pull up and a tourist paddle out. Guy did a fifteen minute treadmill on the inside. Got thoroughly thrashed. Very funny. Made me realize I’m not actually doing that poorly. In the grand scheme of things.

I left in a great mood. I love surfing. Will probably paddle out for a second session later this afternoon.

beached whale lowers
"Can't help but think this (washing up right in the middle of #Lowers) is Karma for humans possibly having some part in this whale's death and the whale sending us a message we can't help but have a look at," reports the surfing champion Kelly Slater. " A mile or two south and we probably wouldn't take nearly as much notice. Good summer to surf the wave pool." | Photo: Kelly Slater

Monster Whale Dies at Trestles!

Karma strikes, warns surfing champion Kelly Slater!

Of all god’s creatures, the whale is my favourite. Is it yours too?

The Game of Thrones actor Rose Leslie describes whale thus: “Very chewy and quite fatty. My friend had had whale before, so I knew it would be quite blubbery. It was delicious. I loved it. It was smoked, so it had a lovely kind of tangy taste to it. We had it a couple of nights. I was won over. It was very yummy.”

Earlier this Sunday in southern California, a forty-foot whale with a hump like a snow hill beached itself and died at Lower Trestles.

The surfing champion Kelly Slater reported,

“Anyone for a surf at Trestles? Im sure that #BeachedWhale oil should keep the crowds to a minimum coming into summer! Sketchy. Great white sightings sure seemed to coincide with the burying of a whale 15+ years back by Trails. Not saying they weren’t around before then but they’ve been sniffing around the area consistently since then. I wonder if they can/will tow this thing back out to sea before it completely decays in the rocks or do a necropsy on it. Anybody know? Can’t help but think this (washing up right in the middle of #Lowers) is Karma for humans possibly having some part in this whale’s death and the whale sending us a message we can’t help but have a look at. A mile or two south and we probably wouldn’t take nearly as much notice. Good summer to surf the wave pool.”

Do you think the ailing, but media savvy, whale identified Lowers as a significant location to die and therefore beached itself there for maximum exposure?

Do you think whales are superior to other sea creatures and why?