A little Sammy Davis Jnr routine right in front of the
cliffs at Temples, Uluwatu…
Mason Ho Plays Chicken at Ulus!
By Derek Rielly
Artist and madman Mason Ho risks his slender limbs
in front of 300 foot-high cliffs…
Life is short. It is also pointless, absurd,
sad and, for quite a lot of it, plain wonderful. Twenty five short
steps from being spat out of mammy to the dirt being shovelled onto
your casket.
Therefore, when the noted shaper Matt Biolos suggested
BeachGrit might want to join him at the Uluwatu Surf
Villas during a shaping stint there recently, refusal,
I believe, would’ve been the mark of someone who didn’t
comprehend the brevity of existence. Words without experience
are meaningless, as they say.
One highlight of the vay-cay was the showing of episode one
of License to Chill. It’s a weekly series, filmed over the
last two years, of Mason Ho and pals (mostly Cheeseburger, but also
including Tom Curren and the rest of the Ho family) surfing around
the world. Every Monday, for eight weeks, Licence to Chill appears
on Surfline, with other outlets 48 hours
behind.
I knew the series was coming ’cause BeachGrit was in
talks to get exclusive first-run rights but we lost to
Surfline, as was obvious, and as we must.
The first episode is notable for a few things: Keoni
“Cheeseburger” Nozaki’s natural comedy routines (watch for his
pre-surf warm-up!), Tom Curren surfing Uluwatu on a bodyboard and
Tom and his son Pat’s outro jam.
But, the highlight, of this 17-minute edit, is Mason, this
artist, this madman, surfing the ledge around the corner from
Temples at Uluwatu, GoPro in his mouth, and playing chicken with
the 300-foot high cliffs. Oh, you little deadly demon!
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Day Three: Oi Rio Pro!
By Rory Parker
This is why I don't gamble on surfing. Only
chickens.
Day three of the men’s is windy and
bumpy. The type of day you’ve gotta talk yourself
into paddling out. Maybe you’ll snag a few, have some
fun. Maybe you’ll be out of position all session and leave
the water hating life.
The women were put to sleep during the lay days. Congratulations
Tyler Wright. I love you!
John John’s heat total was a head scratcher. Barrel-to-tap
deserved better. Great gouge but a fall on the “finishing maneuver”
on his second scoring wave. He got the win he deserved, still
underscored.
Dusty Payne likes vegan food! Which is good, I guess. Very
healthful. Perfect excuse to link the following.
Pottz likes chicken soup! That’s crazy. I’d’ve pegged him as a
chowder man.
Caio Ibelli got a nice little tube ride. Not really sure how the
judges are scoring barrels these days. Nose behind the curtain
seems to be a requisite for a score.
But this ain’t Pipe, you can’t sit ten yards behind the lip. I
guess they’d rather see someone float the section. Or bottom turn
around it, set up for a sticky “hack jam.” He definitely got robbed
on the first one. Totally a make. Recovered from the
layback.
What’s the deal with that? Sometimes you can flounder in
the whitewash for days and it’s good. Sometimes it counts as
falling. Doesn’t make sense. Shades of Airgate.
ADS with a cutback to floater for an 8. Gnarly little section at
the end, for sure. But the cutty wasn’t much.
Igarashi wins the Most Brazilian Claim by a non-Brazilian Award
for his happy clappy foam bonk 5.63.
Good on Medina for trying to surf progressively. Don’t two
tap it for the score. Big frontside ankle exploder to the
flats. Barrel to layback fin ditch. Knee killer
frontside three to eat shit. Punchy windy slop, plenty of
opportunities to go big. No one else really taking
advantage. Makes sense, medium risk for high reward is the
judging criteria for the day. Every day, really.
Jeez, I am really looking forward to Fiji. Fingers crossed
they don’t get skunked!
Round four was a drag, Mainly because I had to watch it
live. Rio really works best with a heavy heat analyzer
edit. Much better when everything is wrapped up before I wake
up.
J Flo/Toledo/Payne was pretty good. Nice to see Dusty
making heats.
Only… can someone explain how his 7.93 was better than his
7.67? Am I crazy?
This is why I don’t gamble on surfing. Only chickens.
ADS fucking murdered Caio and Cathels. I think. Kind
of hard to tell through a vaseline smeared lens. What’s going
on with the cameras? Is it condensation? Can’t be salt
spray. It isn’t big enough.
Dusty brought a pretty good victory interview. “I wouldn’t
have voted for myself coming into this.”
Medina made Bourez and Freestone look like shit when he knocked
them into the losers’ round. Combo’ed the field, dropped a
solid ten. Flowing from a full roter into a reo is
sick. Spoiled it a bit with the Urkel claim. Same one
he dropped after the “flip.” Does he practice these in front
of a mirror?
JJ barrel foam climb lip tap baby snap combo was
underscored. A turn to
reverse-most-of-the-guys-can-do-in-their-sleep got him 2.34.
I don’t understand. I never understand. I’m so damn
confused.
Ciao, Caio. You’re done for now.
JJ’s post-heat interview broke my heart. “I’m doing what I
gotta do to make it through the heat. Not just kinda going
free for all free surf.”
The Flying Llama got fucking robbed. A worthless tap on
the end section of his second scoring wave would have put him
through. Went for a huge air after his barrel, came unstuck,
ate some shit. Nearly re-broke his dick.
Scoring like that just incentivizes safety surfing.
Mother of Dragons smoked Italian Ferrari. Maybe Freestone
is figuring out this ‘CT gig. Anyway, the only reason I mention it
is because I absolutely adore that nickname. Gonna run with
it. Gave me an excuse to make this…
Ferrari’s heat-ender shuv-it was pretty cool.
Today wasn’t so bad. There were some gems mixed in with
the garbage. Quick moments when I’m reminded why I bother
turning in.
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Here we see phenomenal brother, friend and surfer
Justin Cote scoring a perfect 10.
Burn: Surfline sizzles WSL!
By Chas Smith
The tour's own Official Surf Forecaster throws
shade!
Guess who’s in the water right now jumping and
jiving on some windblown mess? Dat right girlfriend! Miggy Poops
and Kanoa Igarashi! Dey gettin their game on! And…wait. What? You
don’t care? You’re too busy looking at another batch of photos from
perfect Fiji? Well sheeeeeeeeeeeit.
But I also can’t really blame you. My social feeds have been
going bananas the last few days with banger after banger after
delicious big ol banger from Cloudbreak. Surfline got into my
action with a post reading:
While the WCT has been waiting and wallowing in Rio, guys
like @bobbersandsinkers (Ryan Burch), @happyreef76 (Reef McIntosh)
and @_balaram (pictured here) have been happily pulling into kegs
like this at Cloudbread…
And did Surfline have to use the verbs “waiting” and “wallowing”
to describe what has been going on in Rio? No! That’s what makes it
a BUUUUUUURN!
Surfline is, last time I checked, the Official Wave Forecaster
of the World Surf League so it is rude for them to criticize the
surf in Brazil. Why didn’t you tell ya boyz it was gonna be yuck?
Why you leaving them all hung out to dry?
Now it is Adam Melling vs. Seabass Z and do you think both of
these gentlemen would rather be in Fiji? I think yes and that makes
me think even more.
We live in the future. Why do the stops need to be tied to
locations during specific windows? I know, I know…Infrastructure
and blah blah blah. But, and again, we live in the future. I bet
the whole show could be shot on GoPro and broadcast using two
MacBook Airs and one iPhone. Or I mean Samsung. And speaking of
Samsung…does that ad do anything for you? What about the girl whose
dog has more followers than her? She makes me feel very angry
inside.
But back to our plan. What if the tour just decided which
waves were on and then went there when they were good for three
days of hot action because the powers already got smart and
realized they could cut the field down to twenty, or whatever, and
nobody would be missed? What if we actually saw the best surfers on
the best waves?
DAYUUUUUUM!
And now back to your regularly scheduled Mother of Dragons.
AKA Daenerys of House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of
Meereen, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men. Lady
Regnant of the Seven Kingdons, Protector of the Realm, Khaleesi of
the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains.
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Parker: On Hawaii’s caste system!
By Rory Parker
Is Hawaii really like apartheid-era South
Africa?
Kauai creeps ever closer to election day, and
things are heating up. Lots of little birdies singing in my
ear. Allegations of corruption, incompetence. Whispers of multiple
cases of marital infidelity. Does that matter to the local
electorate? I could care less, though poor decisions in pursuit of
pussy are always amusing. Sex and the City style blog
posts making the rounds. Smart men doing dumb things.
Transient vacation rentals are a hot topic. State legislature is
looking to hand AirBnB a serious windfall, passing a bill that
allows the vacation home middle man to collect taxes on behalf of
the state but removing language that would have required the
company to ensure its members were in compliance with local
laws.
Too onerous a requirement, according to AirBnB heads. How can
they tell who’s legal and who isn’t?
California rental law is relatively tenant friendly. Wonder how
long it’ll be until gutter punks start realizing they can book a
day and refuse to leave? I’d imagine that pursuing a civil suit to
recoup money lost in the commission of a crime might be
difficult.
It’d be more or less impossible on Kauai, now that the planning
commission and county council are playing election year politics and holding off-island
TVR violators’ feet firmly to the fire. Money may buy favor in
off-years, but election time means playing to the local crowd. Not
a lot of sympathy present for off-island property investors. Large
fines are being levied. Speculators are facing the hard fact that
they can’t afford their properties without a steady stream of
illegal tourist income.
Rumor has it that the current plan is to pursue fines
sufficiently severe that they remove all profitability from
ignoring zoning laws. Force people to sell, depress the local
market. Open up housing for local families.
Maybe just chase out the millionaires, bring in the
billionaires, as in the current situation at the Big Island’s
Haulali Four Seasons Resort.
Definitely doesn’t benefit local families in the slightest, but
it does deliver comedy.
It was poolside that he particularly felt the caste system
at work. “You’d go to a pool and order what you want,” he says.
“And then, when you make the mistake of sitting in the wrong seat,
a Hualalai brownshirt basically comes over and says, ‘You can’t sit
there.’ And there was literally no one else near the pool because
it was kind of drizzling. It was just bizarre.”
Firestein writes dialogue for a living. Standing by the
empty chaises longues, he didn’t hold back. “I said to them, ‘You
know, this is weirdly like Jim Crow. You’re telling us we can eat
here and not here, and there’s no one else around?’ ”
He didn’t stay the full week. Another family the Firesteins
had rendezvoused with there—visitors, he notes pointedly, from
South Africa—also left early. “I don’t want to exaggerate,”
Firestein says, “but it really is an apartheid
experience.”
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Conspiracy: Is Kelly’s wave even real?
By Chas Smith
New evidence comes to light suggesting Kelly Slater
and friends are up to tricks!
Yesterday I posted a meaningless story about
Gab Medina being “featured” on ESPN. It was a waste of my time and
a waste of yours but at least you got funny in the comments. I
can’t remember who first brought it up, maybe Lemmy, maybe Karl Von
Fanningstadt, maybe Wiggs, maybe Hipster Krypster* but the
discussion turned to the greatest thing Kelly Slater ever put his
name on. The early 2000s classic video game Kelly Slater’s Pro
Surfer!
Don’t you remember? You could be Donny Frankenreiter with a
steezy bottom turn, Kalani Robb, Bruce Irons, Kelly of course…maybe
Tony Hawk? I can’t recall, exactly, but I played it for many hours
even thought the soundtrack was god awful. I could do lots of high
scoring combo airs and stay in the barrel forever, balancing just
right.
And that barrel. I hadn’t thought about it in forever but….and
the realization hit me like a ton of bricks….I felt like I had just
seen it. But where?
Oh yeah. The second greatest thing Kelly Slater ever put his
name on. Look and compare!
Uncanny? Too Uncanny? Kelly, what aren’t you telling us? Either
you had this wave pool all invented up and were shredding it back
in the early 2000s or it ain’t real at all. Which is it? The people
(Lemmy, Karl, Krypster and Wiggs) demand answers!
