Dear Rory: “How can I raise a child?”

The really fucked-up thing about raising a kid? It's a roll of the dice, no matter what you do.

Dear Rory:

My chick and I recently welcomed our first child into the world and we’re rapidly adjusting to parenting. However, one can never have too much sage advice. We all know that Chas and Derek actually have children, rendering them unimaginative and jaded, all too 2014 in the ever-evolving game of parenting in the new millennium.

What we need is the advice of a parenting maverick, a visionary unaffected by parenting literature or experiential knowledge. Given that your ear is to the street on all the current trends in spearfishing, how can we up our parenting game in these early stages of raising an infant?

Kindly,

Daddy Derelict in Daytona

Dear Rory says: Wow, congratulations! You get to raise a child in the twenty first century.

Can’t wait to see what the internet looks like in 13 years. Can’t wait to hear all about the conversations parents are forced to initiate. “This is why you shouldn’t post pictures of your butthole online…” “No, bronyism is not a socially acceptable form of sexuality.” “Anal creampies are pretty advanced for middle school. You should probably save that for college.”

If it’s a boy you can count on walking in on him plugged in to a VR headset while he humps away at a rubber vagina simulacrum. That’ll be fun. Eyes covered, headphones on, you’re gonna have to actually touch him to let him know you’re an audience to his sin. The days of “No! Nothing! I’m just scratching my leg. Close the door!” will be long past.

If it’s a boy you can count on walking in on him plugged in to a VR headset while he humps away at a rubber vagina simulacrum. That’ll be fun.Eyes covered, headphones on, you’re gonna have to actually touch him to let him know you’re an audience to his sin. The days of “No! Nothing! I’m just scratching my leg. Close the door!” will be long past.

Female and you’ll still get to experience the age old joy of meeting some scrawny teen just looking to get up inside your precious baby girl. Ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. “But we’re in love! You just don’t understand.” Try not to think about changes in sexuality. Don’t focus on the fact that hardcore porn is at our fingertips, exposing a growing generation to new depths of depravity.

I hear there’s a thriving black market for newborns on Craigslist. Some states allow you to legally abandon unwanted children at your local fire station. Not trying to tell you what to do. Just, you know, keep your options open.

But it’s probably too late. Your brain started dumping those feel-good chemicals already. Nature’s way of making sure we don’t murder our offspring. Pretty solid evolutionary response, without it we’d have way more moms taking that long drive off a short pier.

The really fucked-up thing about raising a kid? It’s a roll of the dice, no matter what you do. Abuse the shit out of ’em, they can either turn into meth addicts turning tricks for nickels beneath a freeway overpass, or they overcome adversity and become shining models of productive humanity. Dote and love and support and you either get a try hard success story, or a spoiled worthless hunk of garbage who fails at life because they never learned that trying hard isn’t really enough.

Maybe the kid’ll murder you in bed one night. Show up at school with an arsenal because the genes you passed down are fundamentally flawed.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you care, you’re gonna make mistakes. And one day the kid will say, “I fucking hate you, Dad.”

Good times.

But none of this is advice, and that’s what you’re asking for. Here some stuff I’d pass down if I ever (god forbid) put a baby in a lady and had it survive to term.

Teach your kid to be an expert swimmer: Force them into swim lessons, make them waste their Summers in Junior Lifeguards. They’ll hate it, I did. But it’s one of those things where they eventually appreciate it. I eventually did.

Spare them the brainwashing: I swear, I’ve spent a good portion of my adult life unlearning the bullshit I was taught as a child. It’s like you’re lied to from birth until 18 years of age, then you’re expected to understand how the world works. Pretty gnarly trial by fire. Fucking sucks.

Never trust an authority figure: The world is full of petty tyrants. If you let someone determine your path in life you’ll just end up their slave.

Rules aren’t real: Only losers play fairly. Winners don’t get caught cheating.

Never admit to anything: If you’re being questioned it’s because they can’t prove you did it.

Only suckers fight fair: Go hard, go dirty, don’t stop.

Nothing really matters: Nothing you do as a kid counts in the long term. Grades are unimportant, the “permanent record” is utter bullshit.

Always stand up for yourself: No matter what the cost. Going along to get along just makes you a perpetual doormat.

Life hurts: It’s just a series of ups and downs. Never enough good moments. Always too many bad. Just something you’ve gotta deal with. No matter how much the now sucks the future will be better. Eventually. Probably.

There’s no afterlife: You only get one shot at this. Make it count.

Have fun. Better you than me.

Email Dear Rory your personal conundrums at [email protected]. Due to the volume of mail Dear Rory can’t answer all letters personally.