Parker reports: Day Two, Fiji Pro!

The noted Rory Parker reports, in real-ish time, from the Fiji Pro!

Day two of Fiji! The event we’ve all been waiting for! Back half of the tour, shit’s gonna get good.

Brought to you in partnership with AirBnB. Purveyors of illegal vacation rentals the world over. Mpst especially in Hawaii.

Funny thing, that. First thing I did when I got the PR email announcing the new Swell Dwellings nonsense, checked to see if they had any North Shore listings. Because there are almost no legal short term rentals on Oahu’s North Shore

A real problem for the people who live out there. Exacerbates the already troublesome housing shortage, inflates the price of rentals. A $2k monthly can go for $200 a day. Easy math for investment property owners untroubled by flouting local zoning laws.

There they were, listed under “Championship Tour Stops.” Sent Dave Prodan a kinda confrontational email.

Hey Dave-

Saw the roll out of Swell Dwellings. Quick check of North Shore listings shows a ton of illegal rentals. 

Want to comment? Seems to me that the WSL is looking to profit from facilitating illegal activity in an area that hosts it each year.

Those illegal rentals do real damage to local residents. Inflates housing prices while removing properties from the long term market.

He didn’t respond. He often doesn’t. Problem might be the delivery. I don’t know. But the NS listings disappeared from the WSL site sometime in the last few days. Which warms the cockles of my heart.

Paia, Maui is still on there.  Eighty-eight legal rentals in the area between Paia and Haiku, but 164 listings on AirBnB. Not that AirBnB gives two shits, their whole business model is based on facilitating illegal activity.

Just like how the Uber concept provides rapists easy access to intoxicated targets.

Not that this is the first time the Tour has decided they can do whatever they want to communities that host them. They pretend they own the Hawaiian skies, use their relationship with the Oahu Department of Parks and Recreation to flout local contest ordinances the North Shore community fought tooth and nail to implement.

It’s almost as though the people in charge only care about making money. That can’t be the case, can it? Can it?

Turpel looks like he’s five years away from becoming some greasy expat who spends his days hanging out in a Central American bar with his dusky child bride and his nights writing unanswered emails to children who hate him for abandoning their mother.

Didn’t watch yesterday. Like I mentioned, spent the day paddling the Wailua River with the in-laws. Not as terrible as I thought it’d be. Almost fun. A tad challenging keeping rhythm with my wife’s arrhythmic half stroke paddle method. Lots of excellent husbandly advice handed out. Recieved as well as it usually is.

Heat analyzer’s been down every time I checked so I’ve only seen a few clips. Very impressed with Jadson Andre. Kid went from frontside reverse machine to a damn solid wave slayer. Really nice barrel to beat Medina.

Slater looks back in form. Very befuddled by Mick’s on and off tour status. Not really taking the year off so much as skipping shit events. Special treatment ain’t nothing new for the WSL. Kerr gets IVs, Slater’s a business partner. Don’t know if I can call it corruption, but it’s up against that line.

Do the chatterboxes get to pick their own aloha rigs? Kind of digging the Pottz paisley number. Turpel looks like he’s five years away from becoming some greasy expat who spends his days hanging out in a Central American bar with his dusky child bride and his nights writing unanswered emails to children who hate him for abandoning their mother.

Speaking of Pottz, guy’s looking good. Dumped a ton of weight, getting lean and mean. Pared a good decade off his appearance.

Little bit of morning sickness, swell’s dropped a little. Really hoping the boys use the shape, power, and lack of size to blast off. But I’m bracing myself for cookie cutter backside bonks.

Italo starts it off good. Fades a little too hard out of his first barrel, doesn’t make the second section. But it bodes well. I can get behind a day of that.

Got a tree heavy with lychee in the yard, a fridge full of champagne. Giving serious thought to whipping up some concoctions, drinking my way through the day. Might be a good idea. Might just be the alcoholism talking. Gonna think on it a minute. Don’t know if typing ten thousand words while drunk will be easier or harder.

‘Cuz we’re ten minutes into the first heat and I can tell this shit is gonna run long.

Italo’s second wave is tasty sweet. Bobs and weaves backdoor through a couple of tight sections, links a bunch of solid turns towards the end. Real pretty.

That whip in clip they’re showing is nuts. Knee killer air from the Italian Ferrari. Looks like he covered thirty feet laterally. I could get behind more whip in clips.

Fijian wildcard Tevita Gukilau chooses poorly for his first real wave of the heat. Not much to work with. But he surfs well. Usually the token local is a barrel slayer with a wonk style. Not this year, I guess.

Yeah, I’m gonna start drinking. Peeled and pitted lychee, blended with a little ice. Pour in some champagne. Fancy! Drinking them out of mason jars because I bought a ton of them when they were on sale at the local hardware store and I use them for my famous pickles.

And salsa!

And pesto! And because I’m too cheap to buy proper glassware.

Tevita just couldn’t make it happen. No spoiler today. Slow heat, no dice. No big deal. Damn hard to beat the world’s best in quality waves. Way easier when you’ve got the local knowledge in onshore garbage.

Yellow Jersey v Ribeiro in round two. The Brazilian grabs two off the bat. Nothing magic, but it puts him in the lead while Wilko sits on a zero.

What’s with all these commercials? That’s right, I haven’t installed an adblocker on my new computer. Easy fix, problem solved. Remember to white list BeachGrit! I’m perfectly content with the hypocrisy.

Wilko uses priority to shut down Ribeiro but can’t do nothin’ with it.

Anyone watch UFC 199 yesterday? Great fights. Max Holloway’s ten second ender stand and bang was awesome. So Waianae. “He told me he wanted to bang, like mentally, you know? Like psychologic. Gave me that look, like, ‘let’s bang bro.’ So I let um bang.” Love it! Hometown hero status, for sure.

Wilko ain’t having no luck. Pulls in on his second. Tight little tube with a chandelier that shuts him down. The Brazilian is on the next one. Decent turn to cover-up to a smooth three turn combo on the inside. Solid surfing, Wilko needs to step it up or he’ll be wearing another color come J Bay.

Channel cam does wonder for conveying the power on offer. Straight on long lens flattens shit out. Side on shows things ain’t as easy as they seem. Hitting those lips is scary. This writer’d be out on the shoulder on a rail pretending he’s “power surfing.”

Looked a way for a minute, Wilko’s sitting on two mid sixes. No idea how that happened.

Couple solid turns, that’s how. Huh. I think Ribeiro’s second wave was ridden better than both. Tube rides, bro! Ultimate maneuver, or whatever.

I don’t understand the scoring at all. Which is why my fantasy surfer team has been a perfect example of who not to pick this entire year. Last year must have been pure luck. Or the judges are wrong. That’s it. Can’t be a failing on my part. I refuse to even consider the notion.

Chopping up these lychee is too much work. We’re going straight champagne for the next couple bottles.

Wilko pulls through, stays on the single testicle jersey trip.

Medina/Callinan is on. Medina stuffed Jordy in the AM, “ruffled a lot of feathers this morning.” Flows an oop into a little lay back because he’s “the best at manufacturing scores.” Thank you for that, Mr Williams. Couldn’t’ve said it better myself.

That’s unfair. He rips. Many years old but still love this clip.

Been battling a tricky rooster lately. Obvious escaped game bird from the breeder up the road. Big and mean, more velociraptor than chicken. Smart enough to recognize my silhouette for what it is. Most of the birds have no idea. Makes it easy to snipe ’em from my front door.

Crowing at 5 am, running the moment I’m locked and loaded. He’s winning now, but he ain’t long for this world. I’m smarter than a chicken, in the long term. I hope.

Long tight deep tube for Medina. Cutback. End section maneuver (shudder). Fist pump. 8.17.

Bottle one done.

Medina’s feeling it. Second solid score, 7.77.

Some moron in a helicopter in hovering above the lineup. I’ve never flown in a whirlybird. Performed many for the ladies. Around and around and around and around.

Carbonation ain’t no joke. One time thought, “Hey, a mouthful of Pellegrino combined with a head job would feel great!”

Nope. Burns like fire. Literally slapped my dick out of her mouth. Pure reflex. Funny, painful, and violent, all at once. Which is cool, but not what I’m looking for, sexually. Toss some shame in there though… now we’re cooking!

Blakey and Williams talking about scoring. They don’t understand it either. Makes me feel better.

Medina with a cutback to longboard stomp stall. Gets caught sneaking out under the lip. Won’t help his score but it doesn’t matter. Callinan needs a 8.34 with thirty seconds left and he ain’t no Slater.

Medina’s through, Callinan needs should start planning next year’s ‘QS campaign.

Wilson and Muniz are head to head. Transgender Miss Piggy grabs one of those stand up screamers where you just fly down the line at a million miles an hour. They feel so good. But you aren’t doing any turns until it backs off so he gets a 5.

Muniz has an okay 6.33 and a nothing back up for the lead. Don’t mean much at this point.

Man, a bottle of bubbly on an empty stomach kind of fucks you up. Might should slow down maybe. Or drink a glass of water then crack number two. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Julian links a few to floater. Unimpressive but enough for the lead. For a bit.

Muniz blows the top out to kinda gnarly reo/snap thing. Big score for two turns, 7.67.  Back on top a little more than halfway through.

Ronnie Blakey and Ross Williams do a good job together. Talking about mental fortitude, it’s necessity to win a title. “It’s between the ears.” They even almost second guess scores.

Who’d make the list for best surfers to never win a title? No cheating with guess who never really tried. Gotta have five years on tour to count.

Taj, Machado, definitely. Shane Dorian, maybe. That’s all I can think of right now. Pretty pitiful.

Six minutes left. Nothing going on.

Julian falls on a shitty wave, loses priority, three minutes for Muniz to sit on him. Joo-joo manages to bait him into one, but it doesn’t help. Buzzer sounds, out in the second for the button nosed towhead.

Time for a little break, crack bottle two. Next installment will be up in a few heats. Probably.