The really fucked-up thing about raising a kid?
It's a roll of the dice, no matter what you do.
Dear Rory:
My chick and I recently welcomed our first child into the
world and we’re rapidly adjusting to parenting. However, one can
never have too much sage advice. We all know that Chas and Derek
actually have children, rendering them unimaginative and jaded, all
too 2014 in the ever-evolving game of parenting in the new
millennium.
What we need is the advice of a parenting maverick, a
visionary unaffected by parenting literature or experiential
knowledge. Given that your ear is to the street on all the current
trends in spearfishing, how can we up our parenting game in these
early stages of raising an infant?
Kindly,
Daddy Derelict in Daytona
Dear Rory says: Wow, congratulations!
You get to raise a child in the twenty first century.
Can’t wait to see what the internet looks like in 13 years.
Can’t wait to hear all about the conversations parents are forced
to initiate. “This is why you shouldn’t post pictures of your
butthole online…” “No, bronyism is not a socially acceptable form
of sexuality.” “Anal creampies are pretty advanced for middle
school. You should probably save that for college.”
If it’s a boy you can count on walking in on him plugged in to a
VR headset while he humps away at a rubber vagina simulacrum.
That’ll be fun. Eyes covered, headphones on, you’re gonna have to
actually touch him to let him know you’re an audience to his sin.
The days of “No! Nothing! I’m just scratching my leg. Close the
door!” will be long past.
If it’s a boy you can count on walking in on him plugged in to a
VR headset while he humps away at a rubber vagina simulacrum.
That’ll be fun.Eyes covered, headphones on, you’re gonna have to
actually touch him to let him know you’re an audience to his sin.
The days of “No! Nothing! I’m just scratching my leg. Close the
door!” will be long past.
Female and you’ll still get to experience the age old joy of
meeting some scrawny teen just looking to get up inside your
precious baby girl. Ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. “But we’re
in love! You just don’t understand.” Try not to think
about changes in sexuality. Don’t focus on the fact that hardcore
porn is at our fingertips, exposing a growing generation to new
depths of depravity.
I hear there’s a thriving black market for newborns on
Craigslist. Some states allow you to legally abandon unwanted
children at your local fire station. Not trying to tell you what to
do. Just, you know, keep your options open.
But it’s probably too late. Your brain started dumping those
feel-good chemicals already. Nature’s way of making sure we don’t
murder our offspring. Pretty solid evolutionary response, without
it we’d have way more moms taking that long drive off a short
pier.
The really fucked-up thing about raising a kid? It’s a roll of
the dice, no matter what you do. Abuse the shit out of ’em, they
can either turn into meth addicts turning tricks for nickels
beneath a freeway overpass, or they overcome adversity and become
shining models of productive humanity. Dote and love and support
and you either get a try hard success story, or a spoiled worthless
hunk of garbage who fails at life because they never learned that
trying hard isn’t really enough.
Maybe the kid’ll murder you in bed one night. Show up at school
with an arsenal because the genes you passed down are fundamentally
flawed.
No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you care, you’re
gonna make mistakes. And one day the kid will say, “I fucking hate
you, Dad.”
Good times.
But none of this is advice, and that’s what you’re asking for.
Here some stuff I’d pass down if I ever (god forbid) put a baby in
a lady and had it survive to term.
Teach your kid to be an expert swimmer: Force them into
swim lessons, make them waste their Summers in Junior Lifeguards.
They’ll hate it, I did. But it’s one of those things where they
eventually appreciate it. I eventually did.
Spare them the brainwashing: I swear, I’ve spent a good
portion of my adult life unlearning the bullshit I was taught as a
child. It’s like you’re lied to from birth until 18 years of age,
then you’re expected to understand how the world works. Pretty
gnarly trial by fire. Fucking sucks.
Never trust an authority figure: The world is full of
petty tyrants. If you let someone determine your path in life
you’ll just end up their slave.
Rules aren’t real: Only losers play fairly. Winners
don’t get caught cheating.
Never admit to anything: If you’re being questioned
it’s because they can’t prove you did it.
Only suckers fight fair: Go hard, go dirty, don’t
stop.
Nothing really matters: Nothing you do as a kid counts
in the long term. Grades are unimportant, the “permanent record” is
utter bullshit.
Always stand up for yourself: No matter what the cost.
Going along to get along just makes you a perpetual doormat.
Life hurts: It’s just a series of ups and downs. Never
enough good moments. Always too many bad. Just something you’ve
gotta deal with. No matter how much the now sucks the future will
be better. Eventually. Probably.
There’s no afterlife: You only get one shot at this.
Make it count.
Have fun. Better you than me.
Email Dear Rory your personal conundrums at [email protected]. Due to the
volume of mail Dear Rory can’t answer all letters
personally.