An internship you need to see to believe!
Summer’s here, and I’m sad to say that Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning
Academy for Surfboard Writers remains on hiatus
due to alleged Mann Act
violations.
I find myself at loose ends.
As much as I love imparting wisdom to young souls using my own
brand of especially hands-on didacticism my legal counsel has
advised me to put things on hold as we deal with the aforementioned
ongoing litigation.
“You can’t fuck your students, Rory.”
“Why not? Sartre and de Beauvoir did.”
“And they both got in trouble for it. It’s not allowed. You’re
in a position of power. They’re too easily influenced.”
“I don’t see how that’s my problem.”
“They’re pressing charges. That’s why it’s your problem.”
“But seventeen is legal in Hawaii.”
“It isn’t in their home state. You can’t fly kids to Hawaii and
then fuck them.”
“Ah! But I didn’t fly them out. Their parents bought
the tickets.”
“Yeah and their parents are pissed. They thought they were
sending their kids to Summer school, not some degenerate fuck
house.”
“How dare you! There’s nothing degenerate about what I did to
them!”
“Don’t play dumb, you’re in a lot of trouble. Seriously, get
your shit together.”
But all hope is not yet lost! Global Hobo, a travel website aimed at
millennials playing vagabond on mommy and daddy’s dime, is hosting
a similar program. And they’re accepting applications!
For the low low cost of US$1989 (airfare and meals not
included), you can fly to Bali and learn the ins and outs of travel
blogging at the feet of literary luminaries such as Gemma Clarke,
Nat Kassel, Shaun Fisher, and Mimi LaMontagne!
Twenty year olds critiquing my writing! Unfettered access to a
series of easily manipulated ambulatory orifices! How could I pass
up this amazing opportunity to pay someone to work for them?
Travel to the uber-hip Balinese province of
Canggu with Global
Hobo. Over the course of
a month, a team of
word-savvy hobos will be given intensive writing and
blogging tutelage focused on travel as well as
cross-cultural language training with a
Balinese language school. In their free time, interns will be
exploring every nook and cranny of southern
Bali so they can put together a
comprehensive online destination guide
in teams. They’ll also be producing two pieces
for Global Hobo, which will be heavily workshopped
over the course of the program. (Emphasis theirs.)
Blogging tutelage!
Twenty year olds critiquing my writing! Unfettered access to a
series of easily manipulated ambulatory orifices! How could I pass
up this amazing opportunity to pay someone to work for them?
I ran the idea by my wife, she’s more than willing to bankroll
my month long adventure in shouting down criticism and peer
pressuring kids into experimental living. All that remains is to be
accepted.
Send a winning cover letter,
resume and writing sample to our
editor Gemma at [email protected]
proving why you are the hobo
worthy of this incredible opportunity and outlining any skills
you think may be relevant, such as photography, social media, the
ability to use inDesign etc. Any boring emails will be thrown out
the window.
Here’s my application letter.
Dearest Gemma,
I recently came across your call for interns and would love
nothing more than to pay for the privilege of contributing to your
website.
I’m very well traveled, having sojourned (that’s a great
word, right?) to locales such as Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica,
Nicaragua, Argentina, Chile, Morocco, Turkey, Egypt, China,
Thailand, and Cambodia. So many adventures, so many fond
memories.
I once punched a beggar child in the head! He was
trying to lift my wallet and totally had it coming.
Glancing at your photos on social media I noticed many
young, nubile, college students. But not a single thirty six year
old married man. Which you desperately need. What I lack in taut
skin and trim waistline I more than compensate for with wisdom
earned through years of experience.
I’m well versed in many aspects of the vagabond trip.
Including, but not limited to:
-Masturbating relatively quietly in a shared lodging
scenario.
-Attaining palliative care for STI’s in third world
destinations.
-Shouting at taxi drivers.
-Proper applications of violence.
-Over-use of present tense in pseudo-enlightened travel
blogging.
-Proper procurement of illicit substances outside US
borders.
-Making yourself understood using only gestures and
volume.
I am currently clean shaven, but I am capable of growing a
truly majestic beard. The following link depicts what that would
look like.
Click here!
Further examples of my digital prowess:
Click here!
And here!
Furthermore, you can find a writing sample at the following
link.
Click here!
Before we move forward, as I can only assume you’re already
mentally preparing my acceptance letter, I have a few
questions.
Can I receive a discount if I do not plan to attend the
language classes? I prefer to communicate by shouting in accented
English.
Would it be possible to attain a look book prior to
selecting my roommate? Both male and female, please.
What are your policies regarding public defecation?
Your terms and conditions state that participants “must
agree that Global Hobo may capture and use video recordings and
photographs of them over the course of the internship and may use
their name, image and written testimonial in all media, be it
commercial, promotional or otherwise.” Does this mean that
clothing is mandatory?
Do you require disclosure of an individual’s sex offender
status?
I eagerly await your reply and look forward to joining your
group of sexy children outside the reach of my country’s legal
system.
Sincerely,
Rory Parker
