John John Florence skateboarding
JJF flies, water or cement. Doin' one doesn't exclude the other… 

Dear Rory: “Skate parks or surf?”

Skate parks are a fun substitute, but they ain't the same thing…

Dear Rory:

They recently built a free world-class skatepark near my house, perfect five-foot-low, nine-foot-high kidney bowl with vert extensions, a bunch of buttery quarters and corners in the six-foot range, and all the basic street staples, everything executed with a perfect pour that grips wheels and slides knee-pads magically. There are never cops, they don’t enforce helmet rules, and it’s lit into the wee hours. Other than the fact that it takes my old ass a long time to warm up for morning sessions, I can’t find a single downside to spending my AM playtime clicking airs at the skatepark and I find myself surfing less and less in the adjacent beachfront community where I spent my youth but can no longer afford to live. I used to surf every day, but now my strongest connection to surf is reading BeachGrit. What’s a beached surf rat to do?


The Plaque on Andy Roy’s Missing Teeth

Dear Rory says: I know I’m getting old because I don’t think helmets and pads are lame anymore. Now they seem like a very reasonable precaution. I’m sure all the kids still think they’re dorky, but I really couldn’t care less if some teen thinks I’m cool.

I definitely don’t want to be the guy in his mid/late thirties who all the kids think is awesome. That dude’s creepy. Like, childless assistant AYSO coach creepy. Let the neighbor kids drink beer in his garage creepy. Bring your bible to the skatepark creepy.

A church near where I went to high school set up a shitty skatepark in some derelict commercial space and let kids skate all they wanted. They’d try to preach at you, suck you into their faith.

As an adult it seems crazy. Setting up something to lure in children, then indoctrinating them in your beliefs? How is that allowed?

If I tried to do similar I think people would have a real problem with it. And rightly so.

“Oh hello, come inside all you unattended minors! You can play all you want, eat sweets until your bellies are fit to burst.”

Set up a sundae station, fire up the video games. Have a grand old time. No adults allowed!

Then, when all the little ones are comfortable, their guards down, I just slide in some of my own beliefs.

“Your parents have no idea what they’re doing and kind of wish you were never born.”

“Drugs are great so long as you don’t take too many.”

“Spend your twenties fucking everything that moves.”

“Life is pointless. There’s no god, no afterlife.”

“Never cross a picket line.”

“You should suck at least one dick, just to see if you like it.”

“If you earn below a living wage you have every right to rob your employer blind.”

“You can’t get pregnant in the butt.”

After a while I’d single out the most easily manipulated, buy a van, rent some office space. Put the kids in my van and drive around the country recruiting more children!

It’s a good system. I can see why they do it.

What was the question again?

Skateparks are a fun substitute, but they ain’t the same thing. Because they aren’t the ocean.

Which is really what makes surfing special. The fact that it takes place in water and the ocean is just pure fun.

Swim, bob around like a potato, whatever. Being in the ocean is always nice. Even when it’s cold.

There’s always so much going on. The way the currents move, the different worlds on either side of the surface. You can play in it, hunt in it. It can kill you. Never a dull moment.

But you’re an adult, so you don’t have to go every day. Just become a weekend warrior. Check to reports, sleep in if it’s shit. Miss swells, who cares? You’ve made the responsible decision by moving inland. Surfing every day isn’t something responsible people do.

Sure, it means you’ve kinda given up. Definitely lost a part of your youth that you’ll never get back. But that’s what being an adult is, isn’t it?

Caught in a jam?  Stuck in a pickle? Send your life questions to [email protected]. Due to volume Rory cannot respond to every letter.

Cleveland surf report
Surf remains zero-to-zero foot for third consecutive day of the Republican National Convention.

Surf Flat: Republican Convention!

Porn use spikes in Cleveland as surf stays flat for third straight day!

Unfortunately, today at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, the surf remained flat for the third straight day, with nary a trace of swell and scattered rain showers plaguing the metro beaches.
According to official Convention forecaster,, predicted windswell never materialized, leaving Convention-goers to their own devices.
Surfing Ohio
World Surf League CEO Paul Speaker, an intimate acquaintance of Quicken Loans Arena owner Dan Gilbert and closet Cleveland Browns fan, is rumored to be in attendance. At least one anonymous convention-goer reports that Speaker was spotted walking Lorain Avenue between W. 45 St. and W. 85 St. searching for a “surfboard rental.” 
(BeachGrit’s lawyer: this is satire, goddamn it. There is no suggestion Speaker was in fact “searching for a ‘surfboard rental.'”)
The surf along the pristine beaches of Indiana, home to vice presidential nominee Mike Pence, was similarly flat today.
Forecasts for the final day of the waiting period, Thursday, July 21, look dapper, with hopes for rising windswell peaking at 0-1 feet in Cleveland on Friday the 22nd.
Given the lack of surf around this monumental event, the Ohio Division of Natural Resources, responsible for regulating fishing and hunting in the Buckeye State, would like to remind conference attendees that:
“The daily bag limit for walleye in Ohio waters of Lake Erie is 6 fish per angler. The minimum size limit for walleye is 15 inches.”
Head Republican National Convention Surf Forecaster,
Mariano Landa

Bloodshed at the Mexican Pipeline!

Eight shark fishermen gunned down in Puerto Escondido.

Puerto Escondido, one of Mexico’s most iconic waves and home to the recently finished big wave event won by Grant “Twiggy” Baker, has experienced a run of violence lately.

The teachers union has been striking in the state and clashing with police forces for weeks. The government has been gaining the upper hand, of late, but the region has been mostly paralyzed with snarled traffic, curtailed shopping hours and general bad vibes.

And now, last night, eight shark fishermen have been gunned down and killed. Four on the spot, four at the hospital. Lets read about it:

The shark fishermen were in a house in the Pacific port when the gunmen entered and opened fire. Four were killed at the scene while the other four died soon after being taken to a local hospital, prosecutors from the southern state of Oaxaca said on Tuesday.

One of the main lines of investigation is whether the men also engaged in other activities at sea aside from fishing, the prosecutors said in a statement.

Monitored by federal police and the Mexican Navy, the coast of Oaxaca is a strategic point for traffickers moving drugs from Central and South America to the United States. Shark hunters fish offshore using vessels larger than ordinary fishing boats.

More than 120,000 people have been killed in Mexico in violence linked to drug gangs since the start of 2007.

Famous for the powerful waves that roll into the Zicatela beach, Puerto Escondido is a small resort frequented by visitors from the United States and Europe, particularly Italians.

So much intrigue! Shark fishermen? Possible cartel action? Italian tourists? Does all of Mexico’s craziness make you want to stay away or, like me, does it make you want to book the next ticket and ride?

Viva Mexico!

Make America Mahalo Again!
Make America Mahalo Again!

Politics: Hawaii doesn’t matter!

Rory Parker discusses the upcoming United States election and Hawaii's (non) importance!

I’m watching a bit of the Republican National Convention. Very interesting. Watching the republican party turn itself into a laughing stock is good fun. Crowd the handful of minorities present up front. Some purple haired black broad from California is screaming for Trump. If she gets her wish it’ll be the last time she’s in the front of anything.

I’m very happy I can sit this election cycle out. Whether anyone’s vote counts is up for argument, but if you live in Hawaii your presidential vote definitely don’t matter for shit. State’s solid democrat, always. We’ve only got four electoral votes out of a total of five hundred and thirty eight. And our polls don’t close until six hours after the East Coast. The race is decided while we’re still standing in line.

The stupidest people in Hawaii are up at the moment. Some snowbird haole throwing a shaka off to the side. Shrill looking senior slag with lemon lips next to him. Trotted out a token Hawaiian (maybe?) guy to say, “Mahalo.”

But this state would never vote for a party that’s all about cutting entitlements. People would starve. Which’ll happen when a full time wage job pays below the poverty line.

The real fucked up thing about this election? It’s probably in my best interest to support Trump. I’m an upwardly mobile straight white guy. And my lizard brain is always telling me, “fuck everyone else.”

But I don’t really see a reason to make life easier. Turning the difficulty down wouldn’t really make life better. Probably worse.

It is amusing when the most fervently anti-commie people are super stoked about building a wall on our border.

We’re here because they courted the Tea Party crazies, right? Though I guess a room full of ugly old white people supporting something hateful ain’t nothing new. Just a slightly different spin this time.

Which reminds me of a good general rule by which I live. If you ever find yourself chanting along with a roomful of people you should really stop and evaluate what you’re doing. Take a good had look at your beliefs. Because unless you’re at some sort of good natured sing-a-long there’s a solid chance you’re lending support to something that’s gonna turn ugly, fast.

Who wants their own version of Mick Fanning's J-Bay winning channel bottom? | Photo: @coreywilson

Buy: Fanning’s J-Bay channel bottom!

You like how it moved? Buy your own replica!

How about the buzz around Mick Fanning’s little channel bottom at J-Bay? It was like a teaspoon of the best honey straight from the hive.

Snapper aside, there isn’t a wave more suited to the Darren Handley-Mick Fanning combo than three-foot runners along Supertubes’ sand-rock bottom. It could’ve been little Snapper, Kirra, Burleigh.

Handley, in case you were wondering, knows how to liberate fins, knows how to peel apart a good point wave, and his surfboards reflect this skill. Fanning, of course, has won four J-Bay titles.

Now, DHD is selling a “limited run” of the J-Bay winning board. Fanning rode a DucksNuts 5’9″ x 18 7/8″ x 2 5/16″ (26.8 litres) with a swallow tail, channel bottom and super light 4 x 4 glassing, but you can climb aboard these dimensions too.

5’7 x 18 5/8 x 2 1/4  25.5
5’9 x 18 7/8 x 2 5/16  26.8  ( Micks File )
5’10 x 19 x 2 5/16  27.8
5’11 x 19 1/8 x 2 3/8  28.5
6’0 x 19 1/4 x 2 7/16  29.8
6’1 x 19 3/8 x 2 7/16  30.8
6’2 x 19 1/2 x 2 1/2  32

Contact DHD here.