Jaws: Who runs the world? Girls!

A historical day at Maui's most famous wave!

And did you watch the World Surf League big wave event yesterday? And did you witness the wrath of God’s ocean? Amazing! Beautiful! Much ink deserves to be spilled over Billy Kemper’s second in a row win. The kind-hearted man deserves to be hoisted on shoulders and carried around the world, feet never touching the ground!

But the most inspiring portion was the women’s heat. Days after Hillary Clinton defeat threw the world into chaos, Paige Alms, Bianca Valenti, Felicity Palmateer, etc. etc. rose to meet the challenge.


The Associated Press reports:

Competitor Bianca Valenti, who has pushed for women to be included in professional big-wave surf contests, called the day a big step forward for women in the sport.

“It’s the least we can do to speak to the election the other day,” Valenti told The Associated Press in a phone interview before the competition, referring to Hillary Clinton’s defeat by President-elect Donald Trump.

“I watched Hillary’s concession speech and what she was saying – how important it was for women to really stand up now more than ever to break the glass ceiling – and that really resonated a lot,” Valenti added.

More on the event later, but for now I say bravo. Bravo to all!

Revenge: Bums set Purps ablaze!

Kelly Slater's famed energy drink allegedly putting cheap meth out of business! Maybe!

Fire is only good when surrounded by warm rocks, flickering on the biz end of a lighter or showing tourists how “ambiance” is done by dancing on a tiki torch.

It is not good when burning buildings to the ground or forests or Kelly Slater’s Purps and the world’s most stylish magazine What Youth but that’s what happened early this morning! Purps was maybe burned badly and What Youth‘s parking lot charred and a bunch of storage units gone baby gone.

And by bums maybe! Homeless transients who knew that Purps was a better high than their cheap meth! Let’s read about it in the Orange County Register!

NEWPORT BEACH – Three people, including a firefighter, were injured in a massive fire in a storage area in an industrial complex early Friday morning in Newport Beach.

The blaze was reported sometime after 2 a.m. in the 800 block of Production Place, an industrial area on the border of Costa Mesa and Newport Beach, according to Newport Fire officials.

Sixteenth Street was shut between Monrovia and Placentia.

Firefighters from Newport Beach, Costa Mesa, Huntington Beach, and Fountain Valley were on the scene to fight the blaze which was mostly under control around 6 a.m.

One victim was hospitalized with third-degree burns, said Newport Beach Fire Battalion Chief Jeff Boyles. Another was reported to have been treated for smoke inhalation, but it was unclear if they were hospitalized.

The firefighter, while investigating the blaze’s cause, was hurt when a 200-pound beam fell on him, injuring his nexk and back, Boyles said.

The 4-alarm fire, which Boyles said measured about 200 feet by 50 feet, damaged 80 storage unites and several cars in what appeared to have been a parking garage or carport.

Boyles said firefighters were investigating the possibility of there being victims in the burned area.

“(Transients) sometimes live in that area,” he said. Fire investigators were expected to be on the scene most of the morning.

Several people were waiting outside to start an early day of work. They said other workers sometimes work overnight or early shifts.

Ramiro Gonzalez works at a metal refinishing business nearby and was supposed to start work at 5 a.m. but was instead met by police tape.

“They said we wouldn’t be able to get in for a few hours,” he said while watching the large, white clouds of smoke coming from the blaze.

The cause of the fire is not yet known, but investigators have narrowed the origin down to a couple of the storage units, Boyles said.

Many residents were awakened by what sounded like “explosions” and helicopters flying overhead.

Kathy Walls, 69, lives near the scene and said it was about 2:30 a.m. when she heard a succession of blasts.

“It woke me up and kept going. It was very scary because we have so many industrial places, and I’m sure they have materials that are flammable.”

As of 4:15p.m., firefighters were still sifting through d dumping water on the charred area, which Boyles said would still be smoldering at least through tomorrow.

Because the area is still hot, Boyles said it’d be awhile until an estimated cost of the the damage is released.

“There’s no way to know what’s in those units,” Boyles said. “They could all have school work, or they could be Picassos.”

A bunch of Picassos is right. The Picasso of Energy Drink™ Purps!

Kip Dynamite
I woke up super congested this morning. Gnarly sinus headache to boot. Fucking sucks, I really wanted to go dive. Try and kill some fish. But you can't do that shit when your head tubes are jam-packed with mucus. Or you can, but you'll only do it once. Sinus squeezes hurt like a son of a bitch.

Parker: “I got a random surf boner!”

The story of how I wasted the most resilient boner of my life…

Chas is right, I don’t have an iPhone. Don’t have a cell at all. I hate the damn things. Annoying little leashes everyone wraps around their own necks. Don’t need one. Don’t want one. Won’t get one.

That Porsche ad is something else. I love that Chas’s wife is more successful than him. Mine’s more successful than me! Very twenty first century. Very progressive.

Still, I desperately want to lay into it. I’d go hard after anyone else. If it were Zach Weisberg toting the baby junk while Mama Bear basked in the spotlight I think Chas would too. Too bad his whole family is involved. Can’t go after them. There’s definitely a line there, can’t cross it.

I got a random boner while surfing today. Not, like, truly random. There was a very attractive, age appropriate, woman surfing rather well in a nearly non-existent bikini. I just can’t get used to them. I don’t leer or creep, but I do over-appreciate.

Besides, all the hilarious zingers I can think of are too mean. Not playful, just cutting. So I’ll move on.

I got a random boner while surfing today. Not, like, truly random. There was a very attractive, age appropriate, woman surfing rather well in a nearly non-existent bikini. I just can’t get used to them. I don’t leer or creep, but I do over-appreciate.

She was paddling past during a lull and my mind got to wandering and I started thinking about the grand time we could have if I were able to lure her into the marriage bed. Graphic stuff running through the ol’ dome. But no more so than usual.

I’m thirty six years old. The days when I could be stroked into tumescence by a stiff breeze are long gone. And surfing isn’t very boner inducing. Beyond the ages of twelve to nineteen, during which I was basically a walking hard-on, I don’t think I’ve ever really pumped blood into my dick while in the ocean. The water’s always at least slightly cool. You’re exercising, focused on your surroundings. Not much room sexual thought.

Before I knew it I was fully erect, and of course a fun little set swung my way.

Like back in high school, when you would daydream during class. Watching sunlight play across a bit of exposed skin across the room. Full mast, salute the dawn, rock hard. Suddenly it’s your turn to stand at the front of the class and give a presentation.

I’ve always been a proponent of the belt-tuck. Press it straight up against your belly, make sure you don’t do something stupid like raise your arms above your head and flash the entire room.

Can’t do the tuck in board shorts. I’m a product of the nineties, I like ’em baggy and low slung. The tuck’ll put a few solid inches in plain view. Can’t just ignore it either. Clingy wet fabric leaves nothing to the imagination.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of my dick. I’ll happily trot it out in the right circumstances. But it has to be tasteful. Wagging your dong in a stranger’s face is not.

I hoped that paddling would kill it. Laying on your dick and reaching isn’t comfortable. But, for whatever sick reason, it didn’t help. Neither did the little “that’s a sick one” hoot from none other than Ms Gorgeous herself.

I tried to pop into a low crouch. Make it look like I thought it was going to barrel, or whatever. That might have worked, if my baggy trunks hadn’t bloused out, caught my dick at a weird angle, and bent it in half.

Which really fucking hurts. I fell awkwardly, banging my dick against the rail of my board as I went down.

North swell is big and rising and I didn’t want to deal with getting my ass beat by the ocean, so I stuck to the friendly mellow east side. Wasn’t wearing a leash. The swim in to retrieve my board still wasn’t enough to kill my ardor. I had to float in the shallows for a few minutes. Take a few deep breaths, try to distract my mind-wang connection.

And that’s the story of how I wasted the most resilient boner of my life.

Apropos of nothing, it’s pretty cool the WSL is running two female heats tomorrow at Pe’ahi. That’ll be something to see. I’ll even be there in person. BeachGrit’s flying me out. Jet set shit, right there.

Knowing how things go the swell will probably fail to materialize and I’ll be trapped on Maui for the day. But that’s okay. I’ll just head to Paia and get wasted.

Foiled: World Surf League shamed again!

Welcome to BeachGrit...brought to you by Porsche (basically)!

What if everything you did was cut rate? Like, generally pretty lousy? What if your phone was made in Korea and accidentally exploded all the time, your “hotel” when you traveled was just a room in somebody else’s house and your car was maybe 1/3 as good as a Toyota Landcruiser?

Well then you’d be the World Surf League!

Professional surfing’s governing body has worse than average partners. Samsung, Airbnb and Jeep to mostly name them all. It would all be well and good, I suppose, if your beloved BeachGrit didn’t exist to blast a spotlight on their mediocrity.

But we do exist with our bright and shining lights!

First, we all own Apple iPhones (maybe Rory doesn’t but he also lives in Kauai). Sure it is no big thing, obviously, and this is not the Apple iPhone Mens and Womens BeachGrit. We, in fact, bought them but better a purchased phone than a blown off ear, as the old adage goes.

Second, we stay in proper hotels when traveling, or in friend’s extra rooms, but we don’t call the friend’s extra room a “bnb.”

And now we have Porsche instead of Jeep! Or not “we” exactly but my gorgeous and successful wife. But I’m a featured extra! And I chuckle at the dowdy World Surf League in their little Jeep Wranglers while drinking sauvignon blancs from New Zealand instead of Australia. “Those petit bourgeois…” I say to anyone who will listen. “They’re so cute! So… funky!”

Go and see my beyond fabulous l/w ife here.

Blood Feud: Coastalwatch v SurfStitch!

SurfStitch in "perilous" financial position says major shareholder!

Do you remember, one week ago, Coastalwatch’s daddy company having a swing at buying SurfStitch?

It was a thrilling piece of theatre, a demonstration, if any was still necessary, of the Machiavellian ways of business: Three Crowns Media Group, which is a major shareholder of SurfStitch but is suing SurfStitch for a content-sharing deal gone awry, offered the online retailer fifty-five mill for a company that was worth half-a-billion dollars less than a year ago.

In response, SurfStitch’s shares were place in a trading halt.

As the The Australian Financial Review reported:

Street Talk first revealed in August that Three Crowns Media Group, which is the ultimate holding company of both Crown Financial and Coastalwatch, as well as other media outlets including magazine Surfing World and snowsports website Mountainwatch, was the mysterious third party embroiled in legal action with Surfstitch over a content-sharing arrangement gone wrong.

 And to make matters more confusing, Surfstitch had once considered buying Three Crowns before its own troubles deepened. Now the tables have turned.

Yeah, you got it?

At the time of the offer, Three Crowns revealed it would tell-all in a mysterious letter to be given to a favourite media outlet. The outlet, as it turned out, was The Courier Mail.

The story, which went live a few hours ago, reveals Crown’s suggestion that SurfStitch is in a “perilous” financial position and, therefore, might be well-advised to take up the offer.

Let’s read.

Responding to an open letter from takeover predator Crown Financial questioning why SurfStitch knocked back its $55 million offer, the company refused to reaffirm its profit guidance amid concerns its cash reserves have slipped to a “perilous” level.

In a statement to the ASX, it said “it would be premature to comment on guidance at this time” and would provide a general update at its annual general meeting.

SurfStitch’s shares rose 1¢ to 18.5¢ on Thursday. The stock was placed in a trading halt on Tuesday after SurfStitch received Crown Financial’s letter demanding to know why the company was unable to meet its indicative proposal.

The proposal required SurfStitch to complete the sale of subsidiary Surf Hardware International to an independent third party for “total cash consideration of at least $20 million” and for SurfStitch to have “no borrowings and $17 million cash in bank”.

It also said SurfStitch should “have no pending litigation outside our related entities” and not be subject to an investigation by the ASX or the Australian Securities and Investments Commission.

SurfStitch yesterday confirmed ASIC was investigating the retail giant over the collapse of a $20 million deal with Crown Financial’s related entity Coastalwatch, which forced the surfwear retailer to downgrade its earnings forecast in June.

Crown Financial managing director, Joakim Sundell, raised concerns in the letter that SurfStitch was not being forthcoming about its cash balance.

“The cash balance for the company at June 30, 2016, was reportedly $21.37 million,” Mr Sundell wrote.

“If the company cannot meet the requirement of having a $17 million cash position, are you in fact telling us/shareholders that there has been a fall of over $4.37 million in cash reserves since the balance date? This would then only allow for another $1.6 million to $2.6 million fall for the remainder of FY17, which seems perilous.”

SurfStitch on Thursday said it did not plan to “respond to these questions and does not comment on or affirm any of the various assertions.”

Oh, and FCS is going to be shucked, very shortly, for around twenty-mill, the company enjoying its third owner in one year.