To take as your date to a New Year's Eve party!
A New Year’s Eve party is a wonderful time, maybe even the most wonderful time of the year. The tuxedos and ball gowns. The champagne and hope. The glittering, sparkling, glorious, unvarnished future. The old acquaintance be forgot. The auld lang syne. It is difficult to have a bad time during New Year’s Eve. Some would even argue impossible but I will say if you take one of these five surfers as your date you’ll wish for an extinction event before the ball drops!
1) Occy: Mark Occilupo is a legend to be sure. An icon of our beloved pastime and would be such a good look on any arm. Except after a certain hour would you like to know what happens to the Occ? Oh I’ll tell you! He turns into an unstoppable karaoke machine! He will sing song after song after song after song and you will finally drag to your bed at 5 am with Don’t Stop Believin’ stuck in your head for all of 2017.
2) Cori Schumacher: A virtual guarantee that you won’t make it until even 10:30 pm. Don’t believe? Listen to this!
3) Mason Ho: I don’t know that there has ever been a man in history so on top of his game. Mason is an incredible surfer in both big waves and small, has the quickest wit, is handsome, funny, well-liked, kind, humble and generous. And his near perfection will throw your doing-the-best-I-can-with-what-I-have into stark relief. Do you want that? Do you want to be Jonah Hill to Mason’s Leo DiCaprio? Exactly.
4) Laird Hamilton: The worst part about new year’s eve is the resolutions. The empty swears to get better. To improve. And in taking Laird you are taking a walking resolution. The party goers would crowd, peppering your plus one with questions. “Should I drink my bulletproof coffee before or after my ice bath?” “Yoga or barre?” “Push-ups on the beach or on the grass?” Ugh!
5) Pottz: I’m sure at one time Martin Potter’s animal magnetism would have been the perfect addition to any ensemble. Today, though, he would narrate your night with the bland monotone of Eeyore. “Yeah the evening is starting off alright. I mean this is one of the nights of the year where you’ve got to be able to make it to the drop and you have to be able to do it in a technical way. You’ve got to manufacture the exit though….” etc. etc. etc. etc.
I’d be more worried about passing out in front of Occy. May wake up in the morning hung over and butt soar.
10) Kolohe Andino: According to Danny Clayton, he would spend the night sending sneaky DM’s to your girlfriend.
Joe Turdpell. Because if I wanted to hear the sound of fingernails running down a blackboard I would run my fingernails down a blackboard.
PARKO – because you wouldn’t get close to a drink all night.
MEDINA – because everytime you tried to have a dance with him, Charlie would cut in!!
or charlie might point a surfboard directing you which way to twirl.
or spend all night shaving down – there were too many to add
well this is like a little early glass of champagne. i even had to laugh at the cori s remark because you are so relentless. but don’t agree about pottz–he has that nice little growl every once in awhile when he really loves a move.
Oh, me, too. I love Pottz. He tempers the wild enthusiasm of Joe with an endearing grumpiness. Still the voice of surfing, I think.
Potter is a sadist. Way too happy when pros ditch their boards in heavy circumstances. Seems like a total asshole.
It takes a certain sort of person to be a World Champ. A total asshole is probably one of the more polite terms…
“Wow” says Pottz
“See how he’s dragging both his arms in the barrel, maximising tube time”
“Back in my day….”
“He really needed to finish that wave off, give the judges the punctuation mark”
“I really like his approach” (safety surfing)
“I really like his approach” (going for it)
“Wow”
Yeah, while I was firmly on Ol’ Rory’s side with the podcast, Chas bringing it up relentlessly is savagely funny.
Chas has brought up Rory in every post since. He seems real butt hurt like a cast of Rory’s cock was jammed up his arse and he needs to move the fuck on
MICK FANNING: 2 beer queer, great possibility of anti semitic tirade to any and all who cross his path.
LUKE DAVIS:rainbow hair gets the instant stink eye from tough guys while chicks constantly ask you “what side of the bi-curious fence does your friend swing?” always reply, “he’s not into you fine women.”
KELLY SLATER: in his almost complete reptilian transformation will always somehow bring all attention on himself in the most passive way his twisted mind can think of
(while not pro)
NEAL KEARNEY: will suck off any industry insider to rise to the top. mid way through the night starts rambling on past sessions hes had, actual pros hes surfed against in his prime nssa days, and how sick the waves were yesterday. this lightweight will snap at anything brought in conversation that he can make an outrage of.
CHRIS WARD:we’ve all heard the nightmares, this is the one guy you cant bring anywhere. stay away at all costs
slater one perfect 🙂
Yep, was wondering how he was going to handle Sabre Norris? I would guess edit of her in the wavepool as the best move? Or Ellen?
now i’m picturing ellen at the wavepool-and wishing i weren’t
Kelly would have Ellen drive the waverunner
ellen used to be a real person, before they put some happy microchip in her head, as well as the permanently- surprised blue doll eyes. kind of like the opposite of slater’s permanently-laser beamed blue DarkSeid eyes.
Fanning loves a big night on the piss, enough vodka shots dropped in his Balter and Eugene will appear. Then you just sit back and enjoy the show.
Fanning…because if there is a Jew within a hundred miles (or not) he’ll point him out and try and start a fight.
Fanning must be a fan of Obama.
So that’s what Fanning has been doing with his year off from surfing…plotting against the Israelis!
Heard Mick joined ISIS as well…
If you knew Mick, you would know he rages…two double jackncokes at all times. He double fists …..and not the sort of fists you and your bi curious bed fellows are use to receiving…
do you hold his dick when he pisses? i mean you must be such great friends with him you dont want him to put down his drinks..do you? tell us more Lance
Lemmy Mate, your mum typically holds said appendage in her mouth while we are drinking…she enjoys a good secondary high from his filtered brew…
#6 JOB. Look what he does to that poor, retarded Poopies boy.
6) Jeremy Flores: If you are excited for the possibility of cussing out locals who are minding their own business and/or getting into fights with someone who cut in line in front of someone ol’ Jezza probably might maybe know, then the unpredictable “Frenchman” is the perfect guest! Most likely, though, you’ll be spending the whole evening miserable, listening to the notorious complainer whinge about everything from children to why the judges don’t like his surfing.
Sunny Garcia: has god, beats the shit out of anyone who looks at his wife.