Come revisit Rory Parker's best stories for
BeachGrit!
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used
to, too.”
A great man once said that, and it’s as true today as ever.
Drugs and surfing go together like peanut butter and bananas and
while we like to pretend we’re a culture of hard-body vegan sun
worshippers the truth is that more than a few of our heroes have
hoovered enough illicit substances that a simple blood test would
earn them a Balinese death sentence.
We acknowledge the hard partying eighties, but the notion that
drug use on tour ended the day Kong became Elko is about as
realistic as the belief that Volcom’s B-team house is the safest
place for a single woman on Oahu’s North Shore.
Now let’s discuss.
Opiates: Oh, opiates, the silver lining to
injury’s grey cloud. I should write a love sonnet expounding their
merits. They’ll make you feel motivated, euphoric, and popping a
5/325 Norco first thing in the morning will alleviate those early
morning aches and pains that are a result of a childhood spent
eating shit on your skateboard. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last.
Soon enough you’ll develop a healthy tolerance, start upping your
dose, and end up a bloated waste of space with a clay filled
colon.
A little known fact: the proper dose of
hydrocodone will give you a semi-numb, rock-hard boner that’ll
leave your girl limping.
Mushrooms: Best served with a summer
bodysurf, mushrooms are the greatest thing to ever sprout from a
pile of shit. Of course, psychedelics aren’t for everyone. If
you’re battling personal demons there’s a good chance they’ll bring
’em to the forefront of the ol’ psyche and you’ll spend the rest of
the day curled up in a corner reliving that time you asked Kim
Peterson to the fifth grade sock hop and she said, “Ew!’ and all
her friends laughed at you. Fuck that chick.
But most of the time they’re a blast. Just be sure and avoid the
dreaded double dose. Just because they haven’t kicked in yet is no
reason to take more. Unless, I guess, you want to experience a
hellish polygonal reality that seems profound but is really just
empty nonsense.
Weed: Marijuana is great, but I’ve never
understood the guys who get lit before surfing. Weed makes me lazy,
slow, and fearful, a terrible combination in anything but gutless
burgers. It’s great for, literally, everything else though.
Coke: I hear that blow was great back in
the eighties, but I’ve never really understood the modern day
appeal. It’s a great way to trick yourself into thinking you’re
sober enough to drive, and you can use it to lure a certain type of
slag back to your house when the bars are closing, but it’s
otherwise useless. It’s a once-or-twice-a-year drug, when you’re
drunk enough to think a bump is a good idea, only to quickly
realize that all it does it cancel out all the good downers you’ve
already taken.
Crack: One time when I was in college a
guy I knew came over and asked if I wanted to smoke some opium with
him.
“Of course,” I replied, soon followed by, “This is fucking
awesome!”
I felt so alive! I immediately grabbed my board, drove to
the beach and had the best session of my life in overhead
closeouts. The next day I asked him if he could hook me up
with his opium guy.
“Dude, that wasn’t opium,” he said, “That was crack.”
In summary: Crack is fucking awesome.
Meth: Like coke, I just don’t get the
appeal of meth. It burns like a motherfucker, turns you into a
sexual degenerate and leads to hours long conversations with
skin-picking shitbag losers about nothing at all. But an
entire generation of Santa Cruz surfers put it to good use while
heaving themselves over the Maverick’s ledge and into the history
books, so there’s gotta be something to it.
Alcohol: Booze makes you more clever, more
confident, and better looking. It greases the wheels in awkward
social situations and lowers your standards enough to make sexual
conquests far easier. It also made me fat so I don’t get to drink
anymore for a while.
Benzodiazepines: Better known by their
brand names, Valium, Xanax, Klonopin and Ativan- benzos are a must
have for any international surf trip. A couple of Xanax before
boarding is like flipping your mind’s off-switch, making a six-hour
coach-bound hell flight feel like a ten minute nap. Beware.
Mixing them with alcohol dangerously lowers inhibitions. So, unless
you feel like showing the flight attendant your dick, it’s probably
best to skip the pre-flight cocktails.
Heroin: A drug dealer I befriended while
in Egypt offered me some heroin one night and, well, I didn’t want
to be rude.
Heroin is the best thing ever. Better than sex, surfing, or a
mother’s love. Dangerously so, in fact. Stay the hell away
from heroin. Unless you don’t plan on living much longer, then I
say go right ahead. I know that, if I somehow make it into my
seventies, I plan on riding that horse straight into the grave.
Hashish: On an somewhat related note, did you know that
Egypt has killer hash? The stuff is everywhere and Egyptians are
more than happy to share with their visiting American
friends. There’s not much better than sucking down a huge
spliff and going for a freedive in the Red Sea. I’m not really sure
what BeachGrit‘s stance is on the country, because
of, you know, the whole Israel thing, but I fucking love the
place. Morocco sucks though, nothing but a bunch of underemployed
Berber thieves. I don’t get why Chas loves it so much.
LSD: I’ve never taken acid, the
opportunity never presented itself. But I recently officiated a
wedding and was paid in a couple hits of what is supposedly some
super high grade stuff. It’s in a plastic bag, stuck to my fridge
with a magnet, calling my name.
In conclusion, drugs are great, and you should take them. Just
don’t get caught and for the love of god, don’t try to smuggle them
into any third world countries.
