Colapinto: America’s Great White Hope!

Video also featuring Seth Moniz...

I wasn’t allowed to say this at Surfing, but now I will scream it from the wobbly, little foot-stool that is Beach Grit: American professional surfing is hurting, bad. Four guys on Tour bad. One of them forty-five bad. No title threats bad.

Of course this is not considering the Aloha Archipelago. Those folks don’t identify as Americans and, for better or worse, we live in an era of self-identification validation, regardless of how anatomically incorrect or obscure these perceptions of self may be. But who am I to judge? As long as they’re not hurting anyone, I say let people be themselves, or even better, be happy.

Most public encouragement of these trans-bi-pseudo-something individuals comes from a place of empathy but in the Hawaiian case it is a direct result of fear. Fear of a five-foot-five Pennsylvania-Jewish man’s fists. And so John John and Seabass and Seth Moniz will wave King Kamehameha’s banner until who knows when, leaving the American surfing hive without a hint of honey.


Wha–wha–wha–whaaaaat? Is that… no it can’t be… it is! Griffin Colapinto, returning home with a pile of pollen big enough to feed the whole colony! Let’s gorge!

Correct me and you’re wrong, but G’s surfing has an undeniable stench of the late Andy Irons. His arms, his power, and his willingness to attack steep sections with commitment and vigor are something you rarely find in a young surfer. Remember his Haleiwa Hail-Mary?  This clip affirms that it wasn’t a fluke, and that he’s happy to throw techy moves on hefty sections. Plus he finaled at this year’s Volcom Pipe Pro, so he’s no slouch in the tube either (though he is a tad hunchy).

Deep in my heart I believe that Griffin has (mainland) America’s best chance at a title in the next decade. Despite his relatively low-key amateur career, I think Griff’s more naturally-talented than Kolohe, Connor, and Kanoa and seems to have a good mind for competition, despite being a total goofball. All of this combines to make him not only a title threat, but one of my favorite surfers to watch.

P.S. Aussie friends,  Griffin is “heaaaaaps” better than Ethan Ewing. That World Juniors final was a fluke.


Owen Wright
Feels good to have O home don't it. | Photo: WSl

Owen Wright’s first heat in 18 months!

Owen Wright just returned, successfully, and beautifully, to professional competition.

In passable enough onshore three-foot waves, the former world-title contender Owen Wright just surfed in a jersey for the first time since October 2015.

Owen, who is twenty seven, finished with a heat total of 15.33 at the WQS 6k event at Newcastle, beating Brazil’s Luel Felipe, Nate Yeomans (a fabulous moustachioed American) and Alan Donato, also from Brazil. Sitting alone further out the back and around the point than the other surfers, Owen clocked left after left. He didn’t break the speed of sound, but he didn’t look slow. If we’re going to be critical, he actually looked a school above his WQS competitors, the straight-legged wraps and controlled straight airs a pleasure to examine.

You’ll recall Owen’s mysterious head trauma, of course. It was blamed on a hold-down at Pipe that put him out of that year’s Pipe Masters event, which also served as a title showdown (which Adriano de S0uza won). Even without turning up, Owen finished 2015 rated fifth, his best tour finish since 2011, the year he famously won the New York event and came third.

“There was a lot for me building up to it. It’s been the hardest year of my life, a rollercoaster,” he said after his heat. “I feel better and stronger and more excited than ever to have this rash shirt on and compete.”

Rumours circulated, as they do, that it wasn’t a wipeout at all that caused bleeding on the brain or whatever it was. But, whatever. Great surfer. Even better guy.

Still, the prognosis was as grey as the mystery. Would he compete again? Would he ever surf again?

Stepping away from the media, Owen threw updates on Instagram. In an early post he wrote: Sharing my journey – I went for my first surf a couple days ago. It was the funnest thing in the world. Funny thing is… i couldn’t get to my feet. So I just layed there. It was about knee high and the drop was.. well there was none but it felt like I was dropping into 10ft teahupoo.

A year later, here he is.

“There was a lot for me building up to it. It’s been the hardest year of my life, a rollercoaster,” he said after his heat. “I feel better and stronger and more excited than ever to have this rash shirt on and compete.”

Owen’s enthusiasm was real.

“Soaking this moment in and enjoying being her with my partner and my little baby… having fun with all the guys… To realise how much love is out there… it pushed me through that time. I’m stoked to realise how much love there is.”


Fake news: Rockstar to title sponsor WSL!

A major shakeup in the works!

So I was reading about ethics in the new White House yesterday and how Trump’s club in Florida, Mar-a-lago, has become the de facto “Southern White House” which worries libtards and pussies because the members at Mar-a-lago each pay $200,000.00 to belong (up $100,000.00 since Trump became president of the world) and the fact that they are rich n shit and sitting next to Trump for dinner means they have an unfair advantage when it comes to making deals with the United States government.


So then I was reading about some of these members like William I. Koch who owns some oil thing and stands to benefit majorly from the Dakota Pipeline (suck it Injuns) and George Norcross who is an insurance billionaire and gonna do well off Obummercare restructuring and Bruce Toll who is a billionaire builder and Trump asked him to build the wall already over Mar-a-lago dinner (suck it Mexican’ts) and Janet Weiner who owns and CFOs Rockstar Energy Drink and…

Rockstar Energy Drink?

They sell enough cans for Janet Weiner to have paid even a $100,000.00 membership fee?

But also… You know that Janet Weiner is gonna tell Trump over steak and lobster that the World Surf League needs an energy drink sponsor and Red Bull hates them and Monster disappeared so… Rockstar!

And Trump is gonna say, “You’re right. How much does this sponsorship cost?”

And Janet Weiner is gonna say, “Well, they say 35 million people tune in worldwide but it’s probably just 305 plus Negatron but he lives in New Zealand so doesn’t count.”

And Trump gonna say, “Not yuge. I will call and have them pay you $10,000,000.00 to be their sponsor.”

And Janet Weiner is gonna say, “Deal.”

And that is the story about how the World Surf League Tour became the Rockstar Energy World Tour and how Cory Lopez won the 2017 crown.

Endorsement: Smoke cigarettes and jam!

Freedom has a new name and it's Donovan Frankenreiter!

Big Tobacco is still such a frowned upon industry. Maybe because smoking has been scientifically proven to cause lung cancer? Maybe because the cigarette companies sat on research for many many years that pointed to this conclusion? Maybe because the cigarette companies actively targeted children, trying to squeeze a few extra years of profit out of young lives?

I don’t know but something made the government very mad. In the United States cigarette companies can’t advertise anywhere. Not in magazines, not on TV, not even on race cars. No celebrity ever endorses and only way-past-their-prime celebrities endorse e-cigarettes. Like Stephen Dorff.


And how are the children supposed to latch on if they don’t ever see any one cool in a cigarette ad? How are they supposed to give it a try?

Well China doesn’t have our lame hang-ups and presenting……….

Donny Darts!

This is exactly the sort of image that the get the cool kids into the game. A fat, yellow board. A guitar. A soul arch.

China is already whooping our asses with their manufacturing and business shit. Now their next generation is going to be ruling the image game too. A bunch of little, yellow James Deans standing on street corners being way cooler than school.


Thanks a lot Donovan Frankenreiter.

Watch: Fiji Scoffs at Your Off-Season!

You know it's empty when Dingo can't find somebody to burn!

What a wonderful thing, that Southern Ocean.

The seaway’s infinite and volatile nature aids the production of sweet, sweet purply fruit. Not plums or grapes because of course it is freezing, but swells! Purple blobs grow leviathan in the southern sea due to brutal Arctic weather patterns and a relatively unobstructed ocean path.

Moving west to east (as most storms do), the Southern Ocean is uninhibited by any major land masses, making it a bona fide swell highway. Waves originating from the S.O. hit six of seven continents, unless of course you’re counting Europe’s colonial appendages, in which case it’s a perfect sweep. Though it’s most active during the Southern Hemi’s winter, this glacial cauldron pumps out legitimate swells all year-round, which is a treat for the Indos, South Aussies, and even Fijians of the world.

Case in point: four of the Mad Hueys recently escaped the Goldy’s waveless purgatory to revel in some South Pac (by way of Southern Ocean) juice. And what place better than Cloudbreak to dust off those thigh-drag cobwebs?

Can you imagine this type of quality at your local? No, right? Now consider that February is Fiji’s “off-season”.

The video shows not only pristine, six-to-ten foot barreling conditions, but also a very empty lineup. Nobody goes to Fiji this time of year because the waves are “small” and there are “bad winds” but try telling that to Dingo Morrison, one slice of the Half-wit twins, and that devilish Southern Ocean!

Aside from the surf, I also appreciate the clues divulged by the B-roll clips. Based on their boat’s appearance and the docking station used, it’s clear the Hueys aren’t staying on Tavi or Namotu. This means they’re either poor or cheap or both, but probably both. And can’t we all connect with that?