Another thrilling day of surf, another stacked quarterfinal with something for everyone except nothing from the middle 2000s. And is it totally official? Are the Coolie Kids never going to reach past Round 3 again? Has the sun set over Snapper? Should we erect a monument?
Maybe.
But back to Marg River’s Main Break in the current day. What thrills! What a fun quarterfinal draw!
Let’s run through them all real quick:
Owen Wright vs. Jack Freestone: Never bet against the Mother of Dragons.
JJF vs. Michel “My Belle” Bourez: Duh. (John John)
Adriano vs. Flyin’ Filipe: Filipe!
Kolohe vs. Michael Jordan Smith: I’m feeling Kolohe here. Being engaged has awoken the Dino inside!
Am I right or am I right?
Overall I’m going to take Mother of Dragons for what is seeming to be, quite possibly, the last title ever at this particular World Surf League event. And this makes me very sad. Oh I know cutbacks are not the sexiest move ever but it is the move that all surfers can kind of do. I can kind of do one and so can you. We could have a cutback-off and that’s what the professionals are doing too! Like us only with bigger spray! Every men!
I’m going to miss Margaret River… Kelly Slater and his sour grapes be damned.
If someone were to ask you in complete sincerity, Are surfers stupid?, how would you answer? Would you go through the mental gymnastics of explaining how, through our oceanic jaunts, surfers come to understand the universe on a grander scale, and thus retain a unique worldly knowledge? Or would you simply give up and admit that, on average, we’re a little bit dopey?
Luckily you’ll never need to answer that question, as Surfer Magazine has provided us with unequivocal data.
The study started on August 22, 2016, when Ashtyn Douglass (a lass!) penned the piece Australians Bail on Bali for Surfer Mag. It’s an hysterical take on what would happen if Bali banned alcohol — being that every Australian surfer would scrap their tickets and stay home, as fear of sobriety overtakes the desire for spinning cylinders. The only catch is that, because the piece was satirical, it was written in a present tense this-is-actually-happening tone, rather than a what-if.
But Surfer knew their demographic well — so well that, in case the satire wasn’t obvious enough, they added this disclaimer at the end of the article: ‘Corndogging’ is a satirical column in which we take serious surf issues, dunk ’em in the ocean, and roll them around in the sand for awhile.
But, sadly, that wasn’t enough. Almost every single comment suggests that the readers are oblivious to the story’s purposefully falsified ethos. Some of my favorites are:
–Â Really? cancel your surf trip to bali just because alcohol might be ban? why choose booze over the waves?prioritize booze over surfing…hmm. It wont be pass, trust me. It will kill Bali’s tourism, subsquently, Indonesia’s tourism. Several months ago there was a similar case. The govt tried to pass a law that would raise the price of ciggs. Didnt make it. Although, I must say, less aussie in bali would be super nice haha
– Seriously? Foreign journalists commenting on Bali might want to do just a little research before putting out such baseless and spurious information. This is just click bait – theres not a ban, not going to be a ban and actually believing such BS effects a Balinese economy which, like many tourist areas in the world are struggling now. Buy a clue man – “Hooters” just opened a branch for the first time in Jakarta, (Muslim majority btw), does that sound like a ban to you?  [sic to all of the above]
And….
–Â This article is both dumb and not funny.
So maybe the last person got it, but they definitely didn’t get it.
Alas, the saga of stupidity doesn’t end there. Just yesterday, on April 1, 2017, Surfer reposted the article on their Facebook in support of BeachGrit’s least favorite holiday. The results remained consistent with previous studies.
It must be noted that these are the “Top Comments” on the post. Also, how’s the audacity of  Lord Commander Snow to recite such unintelligent drivel as if it were gospel? This is why you die.
Sorry, back to the point.
This whole debacle has made me realize how greatly I appreciate the BeachGrit community. We are many things, but blatantly stupid is not one of them. Except for maybe SharkAttack.
Once great surf/fashion site BeachGrit was nothing more than a pyramid scheme. A capitalistic smoke and mirrors. A joke amongst two crusty surf scribes.
How do I know this? Well, today Dez informed me that while he’s appreciative of my time spent on the Grit, as of tomorrow our beloved haven will be under new management, and they want none of this Italian sausage.
In fact, BeachGrit‘s whole scheme is supposedly changing. The new owner, whose name I’m forbidden to share but definitely doesn’t not rhyme with ‘burly’, will be using the domain for a secretive property launch.
While I am upset about losing a job, forfeiting the credibility of the world’s okayest surf site and becoming more generally disillusioned about the world we live in, I guess I understand. Derek needs to make up for dollars lost on a premature STAB sale and Chas has to prove to his wife that despite it being 2017, men can too bring home the bacon! Or at least a small tube of soyrizo.
I don’t think I was supposed to be the one to tell you all this, but what are they gonna do, fire me? I’d recommend screen-shotting the post in case they see and delete. The soulless bastards!
If you’re wondering where to find future hard surf candy, try here.
It’s a big steep drop, super fast, you get totally charged...
If you are a semi-regular here you know I am working on a book and oh how it’s killing me! I either forgot how difficult it is to pull the threads of a story together or… something. My head is a wreck all the time and my fingers sore. I’ve probably smashed out near 100,000 words so far and a good 60% of them have ended up on the floor amidst tears and spilled booze. Here’s 141 of them right here from an interview with the great Michael Oblowitz, director of Sea of Darkness and the upcoming Sunny Garcia doc.
If you’re young you do a line of coke paddle out at Pipe, get barreled, paddle back in and do another line. Paddle in and out. Paddle in and out. I think that is why Pipeline became such a hot wave. Because it is so close to the shore. You’ve got the houses, everything right there. Pipeline is the ultimate cocaine wave, ok? It’s a big steep drop, super fast, you get totally charged, you go flying out the back and you’ve got to bust a move up to one of the Pipe houses, run back and get another one. That’s a coke wave. Mavericks is a speed wave. All those guys were all doing methedrine because it’s so far out there and you’re gonna be out there forever. You need a drug that’s more enduring. Cocaine is definitely not enduring.
A good quote and it makes me think… if Pipe is coke and Maverick is speed then what is Bells? What about Main Break?
Slater lost in heat one of round three in pumping Main Break conditions. He proceeded to paddle to a nearby wave, still donning his red number twelve, to try and wash off the disappointment. Classic Slater move.
An hourish later he returned to the beach and met Barton Lynch for a post-post-post-heat interview. After detailing the myriad of mistakes from his heat (psyching too hard on the surf, looking for massive pits rather than reasonably scoring waves, losing competitive focus), Kelly was passed this query from Barton.
“Tell us about the importance of this event to the World Tour — Margaret River, big waves.”
Crickets….
After an awkward pause kelly went full politician, avoiding the direct question and pandering about how beautiful the region is etc. Finally he dropped this bomb.
“We’ll see what happens with [the Drug Aware Pro]. It may not be on Tour next year, it may be on Tour, I don’t know. Coming here surfing my first heat was kinda said, like aw man, we’ve grown pretty accustomed to this place… We’ll see what happens.”
This comes just days after STAB’s double feature on the topic, one which states that Slater dislikes Main Break, and the other that implies the Drug Aware Pro could be replaced with a wave pool event, both of which would explain Slater’s reluctance to answer.
Of course this is still just conjecture, but I’m conflicted by the news. On one hand I’ve always hated watching Main Break. On the other hand, it’s actually been fucking incredible today. A true pleasure to watch. But long term, losing Margies would probably be for the better.
That said, the idea of a wave pool comp still troubles me. It might be fun to watch, it might not, but either way I don’t know if pool surfing should be part of our elite tour. It seems too fake, gimmicky, whatever. I’m pretty sure none of the old boys look back fondly on the Pennsylvania event. Granted Slater’s pool is a little different.
Thoughts?
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
