Welcome to your second roast!

Oh Morgan Dunn. You three-stage pop-up motherfucker. You’ve really done it this time.

Your newest piece is called “I Have Absolutely Zero Interest in Wave Pools” and just stop it right there. Why are your titles like this? Why?

Here are a few reasons why I touch face to palm:
– “Our Fear of Sharks Drives Me Completely Nuts”
– “I’m So Completely Sick of Airs”
– “I Think Three-Foot Surf Is Actually the World’s Best Surf”

Jesus Morgan.

But maybe titles just aren’t your thing. Maybe the article’s meat is filled with all sorts of novel nutrients. Who am I to define someone else’s surfing experience, after all?

Let’s break down his logic:

As I age, my appreciation for the natural world only seems to grow. I want to immerse myself in it as much as possible, and surfing is a fantastic way to literally plunge yourself into nature. The elemental, powerful, and raw qualities of the ocean command respect. I simply can’t respect or revere a man-made wave, because I know it to be a farce.

Several of the profressionals that surfed Kelly’s wave cited legitimate poundings and hold-downs. Something tells me a wave pool could “command” your respect right quick, Morgy.

We seem to be entering the era of pools that can make legitimate waves for surfing, but I have no interest whatsoever in trying one out. That wave looks absolutely perfect, but I don’t want perfection.

Let’s put aside the fact that not all wave pools produce seamless, cookie-cutter waves (i.e. The Cove). You’re telling me you have literally zero interest in riding a wave that was man made, for the simple fact that it’s man made? You mean to tell me that your initial reaction to Kelly’s pool was, “Eh”?

No Morgan. You’re the farce.

If the waves were pumping all day every day, we’d lose our gratitude in great surf conditions. The sweet ain’t so sweet without the sour.

I can’t disagree with this one. Except for the fact that you wouldn’t be surfing in a pool every day, meaning your implied mutual exclusivity is moot. Think of it as a twice-yearly treat. Plenty of shitty sessions in between to stoke the stoke.

I think I would get bored in a wave pool quite easily. I don’t want it to be that predictable, that easy.

…While certainly predictable, something tells me it wouldn’t be that easy for you to master a wavepool, unless your perception of mastery involves riding in a straight line, three-feet in front of the pocket.

Also, how do you reconcile that every pro who’s tried a pool has emphatically vouched for its legitimacy? If guys who surf the best waves in the world for a living aren’t bored in a wave pool, neither will be you.

Lulls between sets provide an opportunity to take stock of how lucky we are to be bobbing up and down in the ocean. Greetings from friendly dolphins, wrestling matches with kelp monsters, the view of the reef below on a clear day; I relish it all.

You remind me of the little sister from Blue Crush — the one who only paddles out to flirt with studs in the lineup. Here’s a tip Morgs: sack up and catch a wave. Or better yet, go to a wavepool and catch forty.

I don’t want surfing to lose its purity, and I don’t want to lose the connection to the natural world that I get through it.

Surfing is about elbowing the next guy in the face to get what you want. It’s about backhanded compliments, capitalistic behavior, and abusing children. If this is the purity you speak of then yes, I agree with everything.

So Morgan, let’s recap:

You don’t like wavepools because they aren’t “natural” enough. In your eyes, surfing’s pleasure derives from the aroma of the sea, the camaraderie of a lineup, and the ocean’s inherent unpredictability. Riding waves is simply the means to an end, that being self-fulfillment through environmental exploration and human interaction.

Wavepools, of course, are the antithesis to this concept. They have ruler-edged lines, a commercial atmosphere, and that distinctive stench of chlorine and piss. Your “criticisms” may be true, but to forsake the magic of wavepools under those pretenses is equal parts asinine and disingenuous.

I believe a commenter on your article said it best:

It’s not that you have no interest in wave pools, it’s that wave pools are trending and you need something to write about. If you surf, you want to get tubed for 30 seconds no matter the set up.

And he’s right. You’re either lying or not a real surfer. Pick one.

Better yet, let’s test this quandary from a scientific standpoint. I challenge you to surf wavepool, but not Typhoon Lagoon, and decide whether or not you enjoyed the experience.

If yes, you can keep writing about surfing for the Inertia (with no expectation for the rousting to cease).

If no, you must sell all your surfboards and move to Topeka.

Deal?