Healey: “Laird is right!”

"Not sexist, just nature," says world's second-greatest waterman… 

While I admit to taking too much pleasure in a good ol web beatup, in this case Laird Hamilton vs The World, it might be time to jam on the brakes with a little real talk.

Yesterday, Laird Hamilton, a man who lives in the ocean and whom, I think, we can safely call the greatest waterman ever, made a fairly innocuous comment to the gossip site TMZ. Blood attracts sharks. Ergo, it might be dangerous for a menstruating woman to swim.

Only women bleed, as they say.

Britain’s The Sun, a flashy tabloid, turned up the oil with their headline: Bloody Outrage, Spike in Great White Shark attacks caused by women on their period going swimming, surfing champion outrageously claims

The story, like every other one, was determined to find some connection between identity politics, sexism and so forth, with Laird’s honest opinion; an opinion formed from fifty years in the ocean.

Mark Healey, who actually swims with great white sharks unlike the key-jockeys at the Huff Post and the Sun (and BeachGrit), jumped onto our Instagram and wrote:

“The logic is that predators that are tuned to hunting mammals and have exponentially more powerful senses of smell than we do, pick up on that. The idea is, these predators would much rather follow a female animal that has or is giving birth so that they can get an easier/low-risk meal. The menstruation cycle likely triggers more of a response than just blood. I’ve seen it happen a handful of times while filming sharks and was able to know that the gals who the sharks wouldn’t leave alone were on their periods (yes, I asked). Not sexist, just nature.”

Who you going to believe?

Laird Hamilton and Kelly Slater pictured with two lightening rods.
Laird Hamilton and Kelly Slater pictured with two lightening rods.

Famous surfers love bad science!

Laird Hamilton and Kelly Slater agree! To soar your wings must be stitched from the gossamer of conspiracy!

And Laird-Gate has broken wide open. U.S. congresswoman Maxine Waters condemned the world’s most famous surfer today for suggesting that sharks single out women in the lineup and The Huffington Post is still as angry as their stepchild Zach Weisberg is with me. That Dead Whale at Trestles, a favorite BeachGrit commentator, smartly brought Kelly Slater, the world’s other most famous surfer, into the conversation, writing:

The Huffington Post piled on. “Turns out being one of the most admired surfers in the world doesn’t make you immune from promoting bad ― and blatantly false ― science.”

Kelly Slater’s immune system reigns on.

Except does it?

Robert Kelly Slater regularly promotes the widely debunked Chem Trail conspiracy along with the disputed notion that chia seeds are better to eat than spread onto ceramic statue heads.

Which makes me wonder. To be widely accepted by the entire non-surfing population as amazing and cool and admired does a surfer have to have a pocketful of bad – and blatantly false – science?

It seems that the answer is a definitive yes.

And we all want John John Florence to reach Huffington Post levels of fame don’t we? So what conspiracy should he promote?

Should he:

a) Claim that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are part of the global Illuminati.

b) Push that Zionists were the masterminds behind 9/11.

c) Believe that the moon landing was faked.

d) Say that JFK was killed by the CIA.

e) Promote the idea of a Deep State.

f) Tell anyone who will listen that Barack Obama is a non-U.S. citizen Muslim.

g) other

Let’s make John John Huffington Post famous together!

Rage: The masses turn on Laird!

Help our hero, Laird Hamilton, dig his way out of a public relations disaster!

Laird Hamilton was the most popular surfer in the entire world until he blamed shark attacks on women going surfing/swimming whilst menstruating. Specifically and unprompted, he said, “The biggest most common reason to be bitten is a woman with her period ummmm which people don’t even think about that. Uh obviously if a woman has her period then there’s…”

At this point a passing woman says, “What?” and you can see the terror in Laird’s eyes as he finishes off “…a lot of blood in the water.” before pivoting. “So, but, ummm mistaken identity…” etc. etc.

And do you think, right here, that Laird Hamilton knew that he had really made a mistake? That news media around the world would pounce?

The terror in his eyes says, “Yes!”

It took a few hours but the worm has turned.

The Sun called Laird’s opinion a “bloody outrage.” The Daily Mail provided real figures that debunked his claim. Even Laird Hamilton’s biggest fan site, The Inertia The Huffington Post, piled on.

Turns out being one of the most admired surfers in the world doesn’t make you immune from promoting bad ― and blatantly false ― science.

And now we get to play a fun public relations game called “What Should Laird Do Next?”

Should he:

a) Apologize profusely for his ignorance and donate money to the National Organization of Women.

b) Double down and dredge up a crackpot doctor to agree with his theory.

c) Enroll in a special education marine biology summer course.

d) Tweet that TMZ peddles fake news.

e) Sell Laird Hamilton sanitary napkins with patented SharkShield technology.

f) Admit that he has Asperger’s while claiming that Asperger’s is caused by eating “ass burgers.”

g) other

Winning suggestion will be delivered to Laird.

If you visit the website for SurfStitch, click on the tab Our Story and descend to 10 November 2015 where you'll find this composition with the illuminating copy: "The SurfStitch Group held its Annual General Meeting for Shareholders on 10 November 2015. SurfStitch Group shareholders are invited to listen to the recorded audio webcast of the Meeting." Do you think these are the same shareholders now involved in the 100 mill class action against the online retailer?

SurfStitch Shares in Trading Halt!

Yesterday's bargain is today's millstone!

Just two days ago, I opined that at ten cents apiece maybe SurfStitch shares were the deal of a lifetime. Afterall, only eighteen months earlier they cost two bucks.

By my flawed rationale, five grand would buy what was worth a hundred gees only eighteen months earlier. It was like an almost new Bentley had suddenly appeared for sale at a giveaway price. And, conventional, if ballsy, wisdom is to buy in when everybody else is cashing out.

Buy, buy, buy!

Of course, the market usually knows best. If you’d followed my course your ten cent shares would be worth seven cents. A thirty per cent hit in two days.

And, today, after a $100 million class action was launched by aggrieved shareholders, trading in SurfStitch shares was halted. So even if you want to cut your losses you can’t.

From the Biz Insider:

The class action launched by lawyers Quinn Emanuel claims SurfStitch was trading at a loss when it announced in 2015 that it was expecting earnings to double in the 2016 year.

SurfStitch is accused of misleading and deceptive conduct and breaching its continuous disclosure obligations 

The company’s shares fell 9% yesterday to close at $0.068, well down on the record high of $2.09 and the $1 list price in 2014.

SurfStitch on Monday announced another profit downgrade, saying full year losses are now expected to be about double the size since the last estimate in February.

The company is now forecasting an underlying EBITDA (earnings before interest, tax, depreciation and amortisation) loss for the full year of between $10.5 million to $11.5 million, a sharp deterioration from the $5 million to $6.5 million forecast in February and the previous estimate of a $4 million to $5 million loss.

(Read the rest of that story here.)

The Australian Financial Review, meanwhile, wrote about a seventy-eight-year-old man who was so dazzled by SurfStitch’s promises of riches he poured his cash into the online retailer.

A 78-year-old retiree who has seen the value of his shares in SurfStitch Group plunge 92 per cent is the lead plaintiff in a $100 million class action claim.

Warwick Cook and his wife Leonee bought their first 5000 shares in SurfStitch in November 2015, paying $2.12 a share, more than double SurfStitch’s issue price less than 12 months earlier.

The Cooks were encouraged by repeated forecasts by SurfStitch’s co-founder and chief executive Justin Cameron that earnings were expected to more than double in 2016, to between $15 million and $18 million.

Mr Cook bought another 5000 shares in December 2015 after SurfStitch announced a share placement to fund the acquisition of a surf accessories business, Surf Hardware, and upped its profit guidance to between $18 million and $22 million.


Mr Cook snapped up another 25,000 shares in May 2016 at 49¢ after SurfStitch downgraded guidance to between $2 million and $3 million, citing a reorganisation triggered by Mr Cameron’s surprise resignation in March.

 What Mr Cook and other minority shareholders did not know was that first-half profits and full-year guidance were underpinned by $20.3 million in income from a content deal with a Sydney-based publisher, Kim Sundell’s Coastalcoms/Three Crowns Media Group.

A month later, in June 2016, SurfStitch reversed the $20.3 million transaction, leading to an $18.8 million loss. SurfStitch shares plunged 50 per cent to 18.5¢ and continued to lose ground, closing on Tuesday at a record low of 6.8¢.

(Read that one here.)

The sharemarket is as fascinating as it is gruesome, don’t you think?

Laird Hamilton
Gals on red maybe inviting shark attack? "It's like running around with a lightning rod and wondering why you got struck by lighting." | Photo: TMZ

Laird: Gals’ Periods Attract Sharks!

"It's like carrying a lightning rod!"

Today, your pals Derek and Chas were busy. Derek stuck at 6:45 am twenty minutes from home, car-less, maybe covered in the scent of a woman.

Chas mired in Hollywood traffic at 1:45 pm a full two hours from his trusty laptop. The slightest touch of dried saltwater clinging to his inner nostril.

Like cocaine.

Both happy. But then a scoop!

Laird Hamilton explains to TMZ thats sharks attack women on their periods.

Brilliant. Necessary.

But how to post?

Chas quickly called Derek who began sprinting home then pulled off the freeway to write these very words on his cracked iPhone SE.

And dear readers, may I present to you Laird Hamilton explaining to TMZ that sharks attack women on their periods.