Smells like teen spirit!
Smells like teen spirit!

Panic: So Cal sharks here to stay!

They were on their way to Mexico but then Trump!

Oh of course you are aware of all the shark sightings and attacks in what used to be bucolic southern California. People in the lower 1/3 of the state used to sigh thankful sighs of relief when considering the countryside north of San Francisco, Australia’s western and eastern halves, South Africa, etc.

“Thank heavens its not us…” they would whisper to surfing friends bobbing in Orange County’s warm waters who would respond, “Oh goodness me…” while placing a gentle hand over a suddenly troubled heart.

And then the troubles came. Oh how they came! Nipping and biting and breaching and bringing hell with them. There has been a general consensus, though, that they were merely passing through. Migrating to the warmer waters of Baja.

Except let’s read from shark expert Chris Lowe of Long Beach State in today’s Los Angeles Times.

Lowe, however, has a different theory. Usually, those juveniles would have migrated south to Mexico for warmer waters. But they didn’t, and they might not leave at all.

“The best evidence I have is that the last two winters none of those animals have migrated south to Baja but one — a 2-year-old, 8-foot shark,” Lowe told “That, we attribute to El Nino because the water [temperature] never got below 60 degrees.

“The sharks are now getting bigger. They may be able to tolerate slightly cooler conditions. The bigger they get, the less likely they are to migrate. It all depends on feeding here.”

And the feeding is looking pretty sweet this coming fall when the Hurley Pro rolls into town. Am I right or am I right?

Say hello to the Pisauridae mickfanningi!

Breaking: Spider Named After Fanning!

If this ain't the difference between America and Australia, I don't know what is!

In America, mainstream society bothers itself mainly with football, beer, and reality TV. In Australia, it’s footy, beer, and… surfing! What a people, those British-rejects!

And the Aussie devotion to surf often leads to unimaginable outcomes. Most recently, in fact just yesterday, Mick Fanning was honored with the namesake of a newly discovered species of arachnid. I kid you not.

Let’s read from ABC:

A competition was held to name the new species of water spider at the recent World Science Festival in Brisbane.

Entrants were asked to pick a name that not only captured the essence of the spider but drew inspiration from World Science Festival Brisbane, World Water Day or a Queensland connection.

Brazil’s Hector Manuel Osório Gonzalez Filho submitted the winning name, mickfanningi, in honour of the Gold Coast surfer.

And how do you think Mick Fanning feels about this Brazilian-born expansion of his legacy? Is he ecstatic or slightly disturbed? Let’s see!

And this acknowledgement, something I’ll label as gracious indifference, is the only professional response to the fact that a hairy, eight-legged menace was named after you. He continued:

“It’s pretty awesome to know that the spider is quite local to the Gold Coast and only a short drive from Snapper,” Fanning said.

You hear that? An almost-Snapper-local! Which makes me think the mickfanningi would have been better suited as a snake… or maybe a shark?

Better luck next time, science.

Sex: Gabriel Medina blows your doors!

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Are you a red-blooded human being? Virile? Then it is impossible NOT to feel the heart pound at the sight of Brazilian champion Gabriel Medina on the cover of GQ Brasil.

His skin is, literally, flawless. Suit so tight that it leaves basically nothing to the imagination. A look in his eyes that says nothing if it don’t say, “Come hither.”

And tell me your heart is not pounding just a little bit.

Want to know what those bold words off his right shoulder read?

“How to get a reservation in the most popular restaurants in New York.”

Do you say, “Hello maître d. Table for two please. Me and this foxy vixen here. The world calls him First Ever Brazilian Champ but you can call him Gabriel.”

Is that how to get a reservation in the most popular restaurants in New York?

Volcanic: Luke Davis is Pretty in Pink!

Are you emotionally ready for no-good filthy party boy Luke Davis?

Well, here’s the point. I’m not particularly concerned with whether or not you like the San Clemente surfer Luke Davis.

Because I live to like Luke Davis. He makes me feel good. And whenever I’m feeling real low and dirty and my heart is splattered all over hell, watching Luke Davis pumps me back up.

(Even if he is a filthy fucking no-good party boy.)

In this episode from the surfboard company Lost, a promo for their one-board-for-all-conditions Quiver Killer, a slightly longer and more hi-fi version of the Short Round, Luke is filmed throwing lip gloss all over Lowers.

The Quiver Killer logo, a bullet, is the famous Spitzgeschoss design, a reflection of the shaper Matt Biolos’ fascination with German munitions.

Mick Fanning pulling a pint of meth.
Mick Fanning pulling a pint of meth.

Advice: Beer leads to methamphetamine!

Don't follow the yellow path of destruction!

Do you love nothing more than going home after work and cracking a nice, cold beer? Sitting down, washing away the day’s stress away one frosty chug at a time? Feeling the alcohol mellow your bad vibes?

Well guess what?

You are on a highway to hell and may as well be smoking meth!

Motivational speaker, and brother to the most fabulous Sabre Norris, Biggy has some hard words for you to hear.

Beer is a bad habit and before you even know it you’ll be on meth. Meth is bad. You’re gunna make bad crappy decisions like, you think there’s no cars on the road and then you get hit by a car because there is a car on the road. And then you’re not gunna have a wife, you’re not gunna have a job, you’re not gonna go for uni exams. You gotta give up on beer. Not give up on life.

And that is that. Santa Cruz? Are you watching?