Say hello to the Pisauridae mickfanningi!

Breaking: Spider Named After Fanning!

If this ain't the difference between America and Australia, I don't know what is!

In America, mainstream society bothers itself mainly with football, beer, and reality TV. In Australia, it’s footy, beer, and… surfing! What a people, those British-rejects!

And the Aussie devotion to surf often leads to unimaginable outcomes. Most recently, in fact just yesterday, Mick Fanning was honored with the namesake of a newly discovered species of arachnid. I kid you not.

Let’s read from ABC:

A competition was held to name the new species of water spider at the recent World Science Festival in Brisbane.

Entrants were asked to pick a name that not only captured the essence of the spider but drew inspiration from World Science Festival Brisbane, World Water Day or a Queensland connection.

Brazil’s Hector Manuel Osório Gonzalez Filho submitted the winning name, mickfanningi, in honour of the Gold Coast surfer.

And how do you think Mick Fanning feels about this Brazilian-born expansion of his legacy? Is he ecstatic or slightly disturbed? Let’s see!

And this acknowledgement, something I’ll label as gracious indifference, is the only professional response to the fact that a hairy, eight-legged menace was named after you. He continued:

“It’s pretty awesome to know that the spider is quite local to the Gold Coast and only a short drive from Snapper,” Fanning said.

You hear that? An almost-Snapper-local! Which makes me think the mickfanningi would have been better suited as a snake… or maybe a shark?

Better luck next time, science.

Sex: Gabriel Medina blows your doors!

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Are you a red-blooded human being? Virile? Then it is impossible NOT to feel the heart pound at the sight of Brazilian champion Gabriel Medina on the cover of GQ Brasil.

His skin is, literally, flawless. Suit so tight that it leaves basically nothing to the imagination. A look in his eyes that says nothing if it don’t say, “Come hither.”

And tell me your heart is not pounding just a little bit.

Want to know what those bold words off his right shoulder read?

“How to get a reservation in the most popular restaurants in New York.”

Do you say, “Hello maître d. Table for two please. Me and this foxy vixen here. The world calls him First Ever Brazilian Champ but you can call him Gabriel.”

Is that how to get a reservation in the most popular restaurants in New York?

Volcanic: Luke Davis is Pretty in Pink!

Are you emotionally ready for no-good filthy party boy Luke Davis?

Well, here’s the point. I’m not particularly concerned with whether or not you like the San Clemente surfer Luke Davis.

Because I live to like Luke Davis. He makes me feel good. And whenever I’m feeling real low and dirty and my heart is splattered all over hell, watching Luke Davis pumps me back up.

(Even if he is a filthy fucking no-good party boy.)

In this episode from the surfboard company Lost, a promo for their one-board-for-all-conditions Quiver Killer, a slightly longer and more hi-fi version of the Short Round, Luke is filmed throwing lip gloss all over Lowers.

The Quiver Killer logo, a bullet, is the famous Spitzgeschoss design, a reflection of the shaper Matt Biolos’ fascination with German munitions.

Mick Fanning pulling a pint of meth.
Mick Fanning pulling a pint of meth.

Advice: Beer leads to methamphetamine!

Don't follow the yellow path of destruction!

Do you love nothing more than going home after work and cracking a nice, cold beer? Sitting down, washing away the day’s stress away one frosty chug at a time? Feeling the alcohol mellow your bad vibes?

Well guess what?

You are on a highway to hell and may as well be smoking meth!

Motivational speaker, and brother to the most fabulous Sabre Norris, Biggy has some hard words for you to hear.

Beer is a bad habit and before you even know it you’ll be on meth. Meth is bad. You’re gunna make bad crappy decisions like, you think there’s no cars on the road and then you get hit by a car because there is a car on the road. And then you’re not gunna have a wife, you’re not gunna have a job, you’re not gonna go for uni exams. You gotta give up on beer. Not give up on life.

And that is that. Santa Cruz? Are you watching?

Courtney is ready. | Photo: WSL

WSL: Women Steal Men’s Thunder(Cloud)!

Tell me this ain't justice!

So there I was, watching Dawn Patrol to see how the WSL planned on finishing the women’s OuterKnown Fiji Pro in today’s zero-foot surf. It was, after all, the final day in their waiting period.

I tuned in just in time to hear Kaipo speaking with Tati about how she would prepare for the very large surf promised in the final. This was after the WSL drone had just panned over a completely flat Cloudbreak lineup. I re-checked the forecast to make sure the swell wasn’t predicted to magically jump in the afternoon and… nope!

So what the hell was Kaipo talking about?

Then, Facebook to the rescue! Twenty-seven minutes ago, the WSL posted, saying: The #OKFijiPro Women’s Final heat will take place on Sunday morning, the first day of the Men’s waiting period.
Cloudbreak is forecasted to be 8-12ft and absolutely pumping!! 🌊

And can I get a hellllls to the YEAH?!

Courtney and Tati, two of the Women’s CT’s biggest chargers, will take on menacing Cloudbreak for the conclusion of the event. What more, in order to do so they’ll have to pinch thirty-five minutes of the men’s event window. This takes the feminist #WasteHisTime movement of 2016 to new levels. A win for women and apologists everywhere!

Jokes aside, this is a classy move by the WSL. Give the girls a chance to prove their skill and gumption in solid waves, and maybe Chas’s musings will gain steam. Or they’ll flail and not at all. No pressure, T&C!