Faux/Real: Leashless logging!

Are you a cosmic minimalist?

Why did you pick up a surfboard and get into the game? Maybe you wanted to sex a tan girl, maybe you wanted to tame the ocean.

Or, maybe, like me, you were attracted by the sport’s cosmic minimalism. Get a board and you have the key to unlocking a lifetime of dazzling experiences, incomprehensible mysteries revealed and so on.

If I can surf in trunks, and if I can avoid wearing a legrope, I will. Me, a board and a wave. It don’t get much better.

But I take ditching the leash seriously. Surf’s gotta be kinda empty and with no bumps on the face to surprise. For the duration of the session, I straighten out holding both rails and there are no flyaway airs.

I figure, we’re all citizens of the earth. Sometimes you gotta smother your own pleasures for the good of the whole.

For the past five or so years, a substrata of surfers have been pushing the retro logging thing to its authentic roots by completely shucking the leash. Look at the tail on the hipper looking logs kicking around and there won’t even be a plug to tie a leash onto.

But who can blame ’em, these beautiful boys in their billowing shirts and with the long balayaged hair? It’s like installing retractable seatbelts in that sixties wagon. Yeah, it’d make it safer, but it kills the vibe and the aesthetic.

Of course, flying through the windscreen of your old wagon kills nobody but you; a leashless ten-footer bisecting the face of a kid riding a softie in the shore break, well, that’s an issue, I suppose.

And so I wonder,

Does the thrill of leashless logging outweigh the smallish chance of someone else getting hit? And a stud who does get a face shot, isn’t he partially responsible for not diving under the loose board? Perhaps it might be a wakeup call, an incentive to examine the lineup more carefully?

And doesn’t a surfer who ride leashless have an incentive to not wipeout and, ergo, becomes a better surfer?

So, Real?

Or no?


Do we stand on the precipice of a bold new form of surfing, Olympic style?

Olympics: Are we living in end times?

Does surf in the Olympics represent the start of something entirely new, something beautiful? Or no?

Remember God and his son Jesus, lord and savior of mankind etc? We crucified him!

But we’d never repeat our folly in crucifying a true love. Correct?

Ah, but here we go again,

It’s the Olympics, and it’s on television.

Don’t look away. The blood of surfing is on your hands.

You pushed for surfing in Shidashit, Japan. When you led the charge, you were just thinking of marketing and money and self.

Wait, what? This wasn’t you? You, the lower-middle-class youth. You, the owner of the two-board quiver.  You, the 7-11 shift manager.

Sorry, I had you confused with the International Surfing Association (ISA). This is the governing body that includes representation from such wave-rich nations as Poland and Slovenia, who pushed, along with industry made-men and wiseguys, for l’entrée magnifique of surfing in the 2020 Summer Games.

They did this for you — not themselves— so you could line your pockets with boardshort sales and wavepool sales and anything-remotely-related to surfing sales.

Altruistic, isn’t it?

After the the viewing of surfing in the 2020 games, you’ll get a cut, right? You, the Saturday morning shoulder-hopper. You the consumer. You, the casual PCP user. (No offence. Just being honest.)

Yet you, Pontius, like me, are going to watch every damning second as Surf Fever 2.0 infects every living creature within flying distance of a shoreline.

But, maybe you— like the heathen you are —can consider some upsides to the big show in 2020.

Imagine the opening ceremony as Kainoa Igarashi marches into Olympic stadium donning his Hilfiger-designed red, white, and blue wetsuit, waving his oversized cowboy hat to the world.

And how wonderfully ridiculous will it be to have Miguel Pupo’s name, after he claims gold, scrolled in 96 point Helvetica Bold across a box of Wheaties.

What are you eating, Timmy?

“PUPO! Mom”

I would trade the day to hear this popping out of the mouths of emergent young readers everywhere.

Finally, fast forward to 2024, where Olympic surfing will truly hit its stride. Mixed doubles are a certainty as is the revealing of a new, true beauty: Rhythmic surfing. Picture Jordy elegantly dancing across the face of a freshly fallen wave with a perfectly swirling, twirling ribbon trailing in tow.

End times? Or the beginning of something entirely new?    

Big-wave Joust: Natxo Gonzalez vs Mick Fanning

Who surfs Ireland's big waves with more gusto, Spanish kid or adored world champ?

Recent footage has emerged of Natxo Gonzalez, a young charger famous for beating the world’s best big-wave pros at heavy Punta de los Lobos when he was just 17, surfing the same Irish slabs that inspired Mick to return to professional surfing.

Who does it better?

Oh let’s examine!

For starters, they both make the same mistake at the same spot — 1.59 (Natxo) and 2.35 (Mick).

Aileens, as the wave is called, looks as if it’s going to let them out, they relax, then right on cue the end section turns into a guillotine.

In terms of makes Natxo comes off best, getting significantly deeper than Mick who, after his initial fall, surfs as though he were at The Cave (the infamous Portuguese barrel that even Kelly can’t get deep at).

However, Natxo continues to flirt, eventually getting spat out of a few just as deep as his wipeout. Mick then surfs a glassy, mini version of Mullaghmore, which I find infinitely more appealing (but far less impressive) than Natxo’s XL antics at Ireland’s premiere big wave.

My favorite part is when Mick talks about how how stressful it is to book accommodation. Closely followed by the realisation that Natxo and his pals would’ve scored almost the exact same waves if they’d just stayed at home (see Rona Puta and Mundaka).

But enough about me, who did you prefer?

Is it easier to get deep backside or frontside? A

And when are we going to see Filipe or John land a full rotor at Aileens?

Breaking: “Creepy Hipster” caught!

You did it! You captured a dirty man!

Oooooooh and is he ever a dirty hipster. I mean creepy hipster. Just look at him! Look at that smug satisfaction. He totally just drank a craft beer and was listening to…. Kings of Leon. I know Kings of Leon isn’t a hipster band and I know this guy is more of a hessian and I know that “hipster” has become so overused as to not mean anything but, like…

…come on!

Kings of Fucking Leon?

But let’s turn to a non-boozy news source.

(Shhhhhhhh. It’s friday and I’m deeeeeeeeep)

A man suspected in the attempted kidnapping of a teenager in Encinitas has been arrested, confirmed investigators Friday.
The 15-year-old girl fought off a man during an attempted kidnapping in Encinitas Wednesday.

On Friday morning, deputies surrounded a suspicious truck in Cardiff. Neighbors in the area spotted the truck and saw two men who matched the suspect descriptions.

Now, the truck is impounded and the driver is under arrest pending charges in connection with this case.

“I can’t stress it enough, that the community is involved in this, and that ‘s what really made this happen so quick,” said SDSO spokesman Ryan Keim.

The man arrested was identified by the composite sketch released Thursday night. Investigators are still asking for the public’s help in finding the second suspect, who has not yet been identified.

Kings of Motherfucking Leon. But did you read? It was you, the “community” that was involved in this. Buy yourself another craft beer!

The Julian Edelman is still at large and do you think he has run to Mexico yet or do you think he is drinking one more craft beer before coming to your house and trying to kidnap you?

911: “Creepy hipster” attempts abduction!

A young girl waxing her board near popular surf spot almost snatched!

North County San Diego is normally a bucolic, sleepy place. Nice weather, nice enough surf, mostly nice people. Yoga studios. Mexican restaurants. Bike paths. Etc. Last evening though chaos broke through as two men tried to forcibly abduct a fifteen-year-old girl waxing her surfboard in her own driveway.

The Times of San Diego reports:

Investigators working to identify two men involved in the attempted abduction of a 15-year-old girl in a neighborhood near Grandview Surf Beach released an artist’s rendering of one of the would-be kidnappers Thursday.

The teen was waxing her surfboard in the driveway of her family’s home in the 1600 block of Neptune Avenue in Encinitas about 5:30 p.m. Wednesday when a skinny man in board shorts grabbed her from behind and pinned her to the ground, according to sheriff’s officials.

As the assailant tried to drag her toward a nearby older-model blue pickup truck occupied by a second man, the victim was able to break free and run into her home. She was unharmed.

The men then fled.

The victim described the two men as roughly 5-feet-10-inch white men in their 20s or early 30s. The one who waited in the truck — the subject of the perpetrator sketch — had a long beard and light-brown hair.

Anyone with information about the case was asked to call San Diego County Crime Stoppers at (888) 580-8477 or contact the agency online at www.sdcrimestoppers.org. Tipsters may remain anonymous and could be eligible for a reward of up to $1,000.

Has anything like this ever happened at your local spot? Was justice delivered by a surf mob or by real law enforcement?

And look at that sketch. Are the hipsters getting out of control?