Is it ok to wear full-sized neoprene?
Seven days ago we launched a new series called Faux/Real™ which examines fashion achievements (real) and fashion blunders (faux) in the water and on the beach. First up was surfing in a speedo and it received a resounding REAL. We should, all of us, surf in a speedo.
Now let us turn our attention to the baggy wetsuit which has been a staple of beach life since neoprene surf warmers were invented by Jack O’Neill back in 1952. You’ve seen plenty and maybe wondered, “Am I buying my wetsuits too small? Is the skin-tightness restricting my movements?”
Well, the answer is a resounding FAUX. Surfing in baggy neoprene is akin to using a king-sized fitted sheet on your full-sized bed. It just just ain’t right in any context!
The baggy wetsuit surfer says, “I don’t know nothing about surfing and I also don’t know about keeping warm. I like being cold, rashes and looking like shit.”
Don’t be the baggy wetsuit surfer. There is just no season for it and there never will be*.
*Unless you are a Muslim woman and are in desperate need of a burkini.
The amusing irony of this whole thing is that the size runs on women’s wetsuits are so whack that I can’t actually fit them on my body, never mind fit them on my body and have them be too big. And if you’re suddenly thinking I’m like giant or something, I wear a men’s medium. Never baggy, always tight. Always.
Chas, if you need help blending in with the lifestyle you write about, you don’t need to resort to this. If Biolos is busy, just give me a call with you questions/queries, and I’ll steer you in the right direction. xoxo
The next topic should be the too big bikini top. I’m a boob man and a vag man and I happen to slightly prefer smaller boobs. I have noticed some awesome nip peeks when women have ill fitting tops but I also love a filled out and proper fitting bikini with full, luscious titties.
Fortunately my dad bod build prevents any void whatsoever in my wetsuits except maybe my combination ass crack/deep spine area.
This series is Vice do’s and don’ts all over again. It was cooler-than-thou nonsense then and now. Cut it out.
Do’s and don’ts was great – but the genius was not only its cattiness but its often oblique pith. ‘Fraid that’s not in Chas’ wheelhouse.
And now Vice is out of business so not really a successful business model.
Chas, I wouldn’t even discuss this. Baggy wetsuit won’t keep you warm. Faux!
Ok, know it occurred me that maybe this BG section is ONLY about style. In that case….I don’t know.
Sometimes I see a beachgoer in a baggy wetsuit and I think to myself, good luck fuck face! Don’t you go dying and shit fuck face, you scored a perfect ten. There is no where to go up from this display of a truly stained yet divinely kissed perfect ten score. Fucking no where. Its a perfect ten.
But then I see another beachgoer in a baggy wetsuit with a pair of trunks over the wetsuit and I think to myself, who’s the fuck face now Whaley! You couldn’t tell one perfect ten from a clearly more perfect ten train wreck. My last thought in each instance as I walked to grab a beer and shake it off was, Whaley, life can present you moments for judgement, and you best not climb up into that proverbial WSL Judge’s tower and fuck up judgement calls like that again.
Now we’re empathizing with the WSL judges? What next?
In response to your first question, I don’t think my storytelling rises to vicariously experiencing the career impact of the judgement upon those judged. Unless wearing a baggy wetsuit with trunks is a career. Which begs the question, if a surf company paid you to look like a douche bag in their line of baggy wetsuits, would you take the money and get your baggy game poppin’?
and “what next?”
We convince the WSL to put in place a new regulation wherein each surfer has one score challenge per heat. The challenge can either be a challenge to a score of their own wave or a challenge of an opponent’s wave. If they challenge a score the matter immediately proceeds to final decision by an off-site WSL appointed ruling body or replay challenge Judge who will have three options: 1.) overturn one of the panel judge’s score and replace it with a binding score of their own thus affecting the average; 2.) overturn the entire panel of judges and replace it with their own score; or 3.) determine that the score as first determined stands.
Maybe that’s how we interject some sanity in the age of 10’s.
Nice work, Whalie! And no, I like to think I would not take that filthy, dirty baggy wetsuit money.
Best not show you the photos of my scrawny son, for whom we bought a wetsuit for him to grow into. Lest he be judged and feel the Wrath of the Whale.
*Would have liked your name to be That Whale at Trestles, so you could use T.W.A.T. as a handle. Wrath of TWAT would be pretty scary.
Kids get a pass on the baggy get up cause their parent(s) pulled a TWAT move that was out of their control. Just ribbing you Postie. At the price neoprene runs these days, you’d think we wouldn’t have dimwits like SharkAttack5150 complaining about labor camps in DPRK
No ribbing required. We bought it at least 6 years previous because it was a bargain. (Not much of a market for Quikky size 12 chest zip 3/2mm steamers in Abu Dhabi). If the little bludger would just convert some of the mountains of food he eats into muscle rather than energy, we’d be right.
It screams rental.
Just what I was thinking.
Faux bro. So faux!
I’m surprised you’re finally using a female model in an article!!??? Not once but twice!!
Can we discuss the ‘All-day-wetty-wearer’ next please? Usually seen in Australian fish n chip shops on a hot summer day, 4/3 on (possibly down to the waist or worn backwards), soaking wet, in runners. Coke and chips (fries) in hands. Male or female. Oblivious. Priceless.
I can’t think of anything less fun than wearing a 4/3 on land. GET IT OFF MY BODY NOW OMG!
Ahem. Apparently neoprene is not my favorite thing.
How about if they made women’s steamers more in a Catwoman* style?
*Friday nights a TVs channel is showing the original Batman series. I’m enamoured.
Ha ha that’d be hilars. 😀
I’d still not want to wander around the planet in it, though! Clothing, we have clothing for this.
Yes, but if you wear a wetsuit inland, people know you’re a cool, ocean loving, latte sipping cool cat.
I am maybe doing the things wrong, because this totally doesn’t matter. At all. Like I don’t even drink lattes. Like, ever.
Psssst. I don’t even drink coffee. Keep it on the down low.
How about a wet, sandy 4/3 with trainers on, in a shopping mall? Next level!!!
Oof. I didn’t think it could get worse, but it does.
Are you hanging out with triathletes in Noosa?
No! But if we find patient zero we might be able to find an antidote
http://www.topsea.co.il/wet…
this is the go!!
https://m.youtube.com/watch…