South Africa's Dale Staples gives John John concern!
Last week found me in a Santa Monica eatery later in the evening drinking a nice Sancerre and chatting with an extremely attractive woman whose attention seemed to flag right when I was delivering a particularly delightful surf journalism anecdote involving Matt Warshaw and Nick Carroll.
“Hmmmmm…” I thought. “…strange.”
I tried again, dipping into another very humorous reminiscence about that one time on the North Shore but still her eyes were still foggy, hovering somewhere over my shoulder.
Puzzled, I turned around. Sitting not four feet away was Tom Brady.
THE Tom Brady.
Quarterback of the New England Patriots. Husband of Gisele Bundchen.
And I’ll be damned if he wasn’t even more handsome in person than he is on TV. Perfect bone structure, a wonderful head of hair, blue blood jocky. An undeniable gravitas.
I instantly forgave my date and began to wonder why surfing didn’t have its own Tom Brady.
John John is so talented but… not handsome. Adriano is cute like a troll. Jordy has issues that extend beyond nipple-gate. Owen is a professional receding hairline. Wilko is less talented than John John and… way not handsome. Etc.
We must travel all the way down to Parko to find handsome but Parko is now handsome the way your grandfather is. Like, old and stately. Julian Wilson, next on the list is a total dreamboat but boy band dreamboat.
No surfer is, like, a Ralph Lauren advertisement.
Until today.
I was over on the World Surf League’s website when I saw this picture.
Well hell yes that face is most definitely John John’s cause for concern! But maybe I was seeing things? Maybe the body attached was round or something. Like Mick Lowe or something. I quickly clicked on the link and was delivered here.
And look at that Dale Staples! Not round at all with a hairline so fierce, a jaw so strong that it has cast poor Matt Wilkinson (maroon sweater) into existential despair!
I raced over to Dale Staples’ Instagram account and was greeted by picture after picture of surfing’s new hunk.
What do you think? Is Dale Staples the most handsome man in professional surfing right now? Should John John be concerned?
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CHAS YOU SEEM TO HAVE AN OBSSESSION WITH MENS LOOKS EVERY ARTICLE IS ABOUT MALE APPEARANCE WHO CARES THE OUS RIP DID YOUR MOTHER NOT HOLD YOU ENOUGH WHEN YOU WERE A BABY ARE YOU MAYBE NOT SURE OF YOUR SEXUALITY WE SURF FOR THE RUSH NOT YOUR BANAL BULLSHIT GO INTO FASHION OR SOME OTHER OBSCURE LINE YOU ARE BORING VACUOUS VANE AN A POOR JOURNALIST AFTER HYND CARROL WARSHAW YOU HAVE A LONG LONG LONG WAY TO GO MAYBE GO INTO SOME OTHER BUSINESS ANTONY WOOLF
Hey Morgan Williamson, no one would mind if you turned off your “all caps”.
Maybe I’m going crazy, but I’m picking up a similar theme here….Chad’s description of Dale is not as blatant as derek’s fascination with Pyzel’s sex appeal, but there’s creepy similarities!!!
It was a good joke.
Parko is maybe 5’8″
Handsome doesn’t start until 5’11”
It’s going to be beautiful watching Ducky take down JJF in Rd 1.
poor ol’ ugly head and chicken legs wilko looks so sad sitting next to adonis.
I’m super chilled buddy. I don’t know you tell me?
nah man, you aint’ chill … you’re wound up like a spring. get ye over to the inertia for five top tips to help you relax when surfing.
Why don’t you just tell me, you’ve clearly read them. We can be chill together.
Do you like Amyl Nitrate?
happily married thanks mate you can keep your poppers all to your self. enjoy. but won’t Suc mi Dic your Balinese “girlfriend’ be a bit bummed (*cough cough see what I did there) if you shared it with some else?
If you’re looking for a Tom Brady analogy… Minus the hair and skin that’s semi beginning to look like a worn out leather boot… I think Kelly has fulfilled that role since he was 21. Looks – Check. Elder but still relevant – Check. GOAT – Check. Multiple championships – Check. Actresses – Check. Supermodels – Check. Rich – Check. How is Dale Staples in the convo again? His hair?
interesting that the commentators here have no sense of irony when mentioning racism on this board when referring to SA. America and Oz the two most racist places on earth (according to the comments here) but hey whatever. Be sure and wrap yourself up nice and warm (in a disease filled blanket) after your surf, the world definitely doesn’t have enough fuckknuckles so we wouldn’t want to lose you.
Can a place be racist? Too many racist fuckknuckles everywhere methinks. On the other hand, use of the word fuckknuckle is encouraged.
Fuckknuckle is disappointingly under-utilised.
Interesting how turd gets higher upvotes but this is featured comment… It’s rigged
It’s not a popularity contest… I just feature what adds to the story or tickles my fancy.
To a non-American your comment meant zero to me. (Mariano featured that comment not I)
It was more a passive Trump joke but nm.
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Dude looks like Todd from Breaking Bad. Or any other Todd.
spat cornflakes all over my screen. bravo. bravo!
thanks fam
Surely Jay Davies?
He and I look really similar, actually.
yeah, nah…
too ken?
Not enough Evan Dando for me.
nah too white!
The modern man needs to be a hybrid!
A date – was it a marriage date? Tinder date? Or is this a 15 year old story??
Me thought your better half supplied your Porsche- you could be walking on shaky ground Chas
If a young Midget Farrelly bent a middle aged and drunk Dane Reynolds over (in a loving, respectful manner), I believe Dale Staples, no relation to Mavis, would be the outcome.
tsk, tsk. Tom Brady wins titles.
I just bought that domain name, check mate.
He looks like Laird, pass.
Oh don’t do that. Don’t attach what Laird has done to how Laird looks.
And the name! It’s like if Dale Earnhardt and office supply store had a baby!
It’s a total package.
best turd ever that shit!