John John: “Forced to strip for Old Men!”

"Shorts down, shirt up. You have to show it's natural…"

Drug tests. How do you feel about ’em? If you’re shucking iron or exploding over a hundred metres, I suppose they do keep the charlatans from the honest folks, although perhaps it’s more a case of who can hide their juice best.

But surf?

All the beautiful musculature in the world ain’t gonna give you the rose bud jams of  Dane Reynolds or the cat-spitting turns of John John. Yeah, I get that peptides and so on help a brother come back from injury, but even so, does that matter? Wouldn’t it be a more wonderful world if Kelly could juice up and get that damn foot better?

Anyway, I’ve never wondered too much about the collection of urine samples, but in this episode of #TourNotes, a once-great franchise whose luminous glow has dimmed somewhat over the last year, John John reveals the crude machinations behind the collection of a sample.

Cut to: Tour manager Rentao Hickel introducing John John to a man, sixty-ish, wide-brimmed hat, face gothically stencilled with white hair. It’s the drug tester!

How does a drug test work?

“You to have to pull your shorts down and shirt up, show that that it’s all natural coming out of there,” says John John.

John says he’s been processed for drug tests more than ten times and describes the difficulty of having to urinate while an old man watches (and not even for five hundred dollars, as is the going rate in the queer game, “I love your vunderful pee-pee,” man says while you paddle his red ass), the process sometimes made harder by the natural course of events such as pissing in your wetsuit, unaware of upcoming test.

Also, in #TourNotes below is the surprise reveal that Todd Kline is a superstar bass fishermen and wildcards have to sling the WSL two thousand dollars for the privilege of competing.