Venice-adjacent magazine asks, "Where have all the hellmen gone?"
This morning Stab magazine, based near Venice, California, published a seething anti-North Shore polemic. The headline asked, semi-innocently, “Has Mainstream Surfing Outgrown the North Shore?” before writer, Mr. Jake Howard (last seen delivering a moralist takedown of a drunk father), dismantled the seven-mile miracle piece by piece. Beginning with the quality of sleeping conditions then eviscerating the quality of waves and then suggesting that “hellmen” no longer make their homes between Haleiwa and Sunset then saying the whole place is basically irrelevant but also too fancy now.
Let’s read the part about the locals?
And speaking of hellmen, where have they all gone? The characters that once made the North Shore such a rich tapestry of human eccentricity fade into the mists of time. Guys like Alec “Ace” Coole, Marvin Foster, Ronnie Burns, and of course, Todd Chesser, all added their own uniqueness to the local North Shore scene. Those are hard shoes to fill, even for cool cats like Mark Healey or Makua Rothman. The North Shore’s always been at its best when it’s been a crossroads of humanity.
Ouch!
Oh, I know the surf media has a fraught relationship with the North Shore and its population. I know the place is intimidating and often downright scary for visiting surf journalists and many would prefer not to go but claiming that there are no longer any bigger-than-life chargers calling the place home takes traditional complaints to the next level.
The North Shore, in my experience, teems with men and women that are unheralded but love exploring the wildest corners of their island simply for the sake of adventure. When I was there last some teacher, I think he was, had shaped his own gun and was paddling out at plus-sized Waimea. I never learned his name but that sort of thing seems a dime a dozen and that’s the rub. You have to be on the North Shore, buried as it were, in order to have a full account of what is really happening. The information that leaks back to the mainland is just dribs and drabs.
Or maybe I’m just a silly old romantic. In any case, an aggressive move from Stab to flash an adorned middle-finger from Venice-adjacent across the Pacific all the way to Ehukai.
Will North Shore locals respond? Let’s wait and see!
Jake Howard is a pussie soy boy who went to the north shore, felt overpowered by waves and locals compared to his pasteurized hipster life in venice, then went home and wrote about how NS used to be a wilder place. Fuck off Jake, NS has enough traffic already
I hope Staab does a piece called “LA is the surf mecca” soon. They could write about all the epic days out front in “Venice” and blow up all the spots that Surfline has yet to destroy.
is jake howard retarded? (serious question)
So is Jake Howard slang for rory parker?
Rory should let me paddle him out to jaws for a stab article. I’ll do it for free!!
Or if they are cheap 15 foot Hanalei. I’ll even pick him up at his house so they can save airfare to Maui.
Dear Chas,
Places named via Portmanteau are far more desirable from a real estate perspective: SoHo, NoLiTa, Tehrangeles, SeaTac, Mexicali – all now sparkly gems of culture and fashion since being Portmanicured.
In that spirit, why do you refuse to help STAB profit from their land holding in Venice-Adjacent? “Vajacent” is the contemporary, and far more lucrative, nomenclature. Language is flexible and ever evolving and yet you cling to old ways.
Vajacent. Vajacent, Vajacent, Vajacent, Vajacent, Vajacent. Ring to it no? Here, by the way, is the new neighborhood theme song:
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
didn’t realize Mexicali had become such a hotspot! i must check out their new boutique hotels.
When I try to go to Vajacent the wifey winces and says no.
Just be happy that it’s logistically impossible for her to whip out a strap on and go Vajacent on you.
I LOVE it!
“Their own uniqueness”! Their very own. I’m with Ghostface on this one. You can’t call the North Shore out from fucking Venice Beach.
You reckon Jake is lined up for Employee of the month? Again?
yes. this seems… obvious. but i’m not in venice beach, so what the hell do i know.
It’s the uniqueness!
I get the sense this is important, yes!
Did he seriously ask where Todd Chesser had gone? Is he also wondering why Mark Foo isn’t answering his calls?
Idiot
And Alec, Marvin and Ronnie? All gone to the same place. Well, Marvin may have headed further south.
My point exactly.
“Hawaii has no Hellman, because they died being Hellman, and I can’t be bothered researching for new Hellman.”
search parameter be @hell…
Jake clearly likes it rough 😉
Good. Stay away. There’s too much damn traffic and the line at the Coffee Gallery has gotten way too long. Give it back to us Haoles and Japanes tourists…we don’t know what we’re looking at but we know that we need to be standing right in the middle of the Ke Nui bike path to look at it.
HAHAHAHAHAH
There’s so many “hellmen” (I hate that term) on the North Shore. Referencing only Makua and Healey shows that Jake only researched Instagram and Olukai catalogs. I’ve seen a 5’10 local Asian change out of his aloha shirt and khakis, wax up a logoless 8’0 and paddle out to 12 foot sunset and get barreled. Don’t know his name, but I’ve also seen him surf one footers at chuns with his kids. I seen Sion Milosky walking down Kam highway with one third of a board in boardshorts, no slippers, no shirt, soaking wet on a 30 foot day. You gotta be there Jake. Surfing needs the North Shore more than the North Shore needs Surfing.
And Aaron Gold caught a legit 40 footer at Jaws two years ago. He lives on the North Shore and shapes his own boards. How short ye memory is about hellmen, Jake.
I suspect that “Coconut Willie” isn’t quite the Hellman moniker that Jake Howard is looking for.
Ole’ Jake Howard talked himself out of his own argument 3/4 of the way through that piece.
First The Great SPAM shortage of 2017, now The Great Hellman shortage of 2017. Both Meth related no doubt.
Rough times on da shore!
Fast Eddie was unavailable for comment?
And dead flat for half the year. Poor bastards.
can north shore locals read? Let’s wait and see!
All of my pupils are literate after I have my way with them! Although in most cases I wish they weren’t