Watch: Surfwear making a comeback!

You've been patient!

I think I’ve written this story twice before since the birth of BeachGrit and each time I’m more hopeful than the time before. That surfwear is making a comeback. Because don’t you want it to in your heart of hearts? Don’t you want to break out your favorite Maui n Sons tee and rip around town? Don’t you?

Well, today’s version of surfwear making a comeback is ripped from hip blog highsnobiety which writes:

In the early ’00s it was totally okay to wear head-to-toe surfer brands, even if you had never set foot on a beach. You could wear Quiksilver with a wooden beaded necklace, maybe some Mambo cargo shorts and still be valid, cool, even. The goal was to look like a surfer, not actually be one. It speaks a lot about the inauthenticity of fashion trends but that’s another story for another time.

And then goes on to discuss how cool Stüssy was and is again.

The BEST part, though, is all the new brands that are coming up and engaging your surf lust. Like Surf is Dead, Token Surfboards, Palm Angels etc. And look at the above example from Ex Infinitas. Wetsuit pant and vest combos. Very surf. Very chic.

Are you ready not just to be ironically retro but progressively now?

Well, are you punk?

As all Americans know, the commercial world is a battlefield. It's fuck or be fucked!

Pro: Get sponsored by porn giant!

Pornhub is looking for exxxtreme athletes. Do you fit the bill?

I must give credit where credit is due for this fantastic story. The Inertia! The sometime sport walking website first reported that the world’s largest pornography website, Pornhub, is looking to sponsor extreme sport athletes including surfers. And how fantastic is that? I sprinted directly to Pornhub when made aware because a) I am a professional surfer and b) was curious how “sponsorship” looks?

Was Pornhub casting for a sexy new film? A new category to sit alongside “furries?”

But it appears no! The landing page was taken Straight Outta Red Bull and, minus “exxxtreme” the copy was even standard.

Let’s read!

Are you an amazing athlete that just needs that extra push to break it big?

Are you a part of a killer team that would be proud to sport the Pornhub colors?

Then we want to hear from you because Pornhub is on the search to sponsor the most xxxtreme athletes under the sun! In the past, we’ve backed everything from an awesome Australian women’s field hockey team to the incredible Scandinavian base jumpers in the video below, and we’re looking to add YOU to our roster.

The winning team will be sponsored by Pornhub for a full year, including new Pornhub branded uniforms for the whole team.

Think you’ve got what it takes?

Now, I have many questions but will only bore you with three.

1) Is the surfer in the photo Dusty Payne? It can’t be, right? But who is it?

2) What kind of porn is most popular in The Inertia’s offices? Chia porn? Passive-aggressive apology porn feat. Kelly Slater lookalikes?

3) How much would it take for you to “sport the Pornhub colors?”

Apply here!

Have you ever thought about quitting? If so, was it a bad heat, a bad board or an aggregation of shitty events? | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Quiz: Would you ever give up surfing?

What would it take?

Three days ago, I asked the horrifying question, Will You Be An Intermediate Surfer Forever? Being…okay… at something you love more than anything is a barren and mediocre terrain, a bleak horizon to ponder.

And yet we persist with surfing despite never getting better until we hit oldish age and start going backwards.

But what happens when you think, fuck this, and you quit surfing?

Throughout my life I’ve marvelled at people, some who’d once been very good surfers, giving up surfing in entirety.

Boards gone. Beach vacations swapped for examinations of the cultural history of eastern European cities; weekends spent decamped at cafes and art galleries, or parked in front of the television “binge watching” docu-soaps. Hair yellow to brown. Body type triangle to pear.

Have you ever thought about quitting?

I thought about it once when I persisted with a surfboard shaper, who despite universally adoring press, delivered custom surfboard after custom surfboard that made me turn pale every time I went surfing. Oh they were treacherous! I didn’t just want to quit surfing, I wanted to quit life.

I didn’t, of course. I’m happy enough as is, a naive optimist.

But those who do drop the microphone, so to speak?

Do you think it’s a sudden event: a bad surf, a bad heat?

Or is it the aggregation of a thousand things: the bile of an argument, a surfboard that refuses to work, a wide stance that won’t narrow, a long spell of uninspiring waves, a surf trip that goes to the dogs, a wife or husband that stares daggers when you go for a surf and leave ‘em with the screeching kid?

And what would it take for you to give the game away, for good?

Tareq Kamleh
From surfer to boiling soldier of Allah!

Careers: Surfer turns soldier of Allah!

What bad career choices have you made?

Recently, I had a surprise argument with a good friend over the sensitivity, or not, of celebrating Christmas. The friend, who was planning the December window display of his store, remarked, in such an off-hand manner that it chilled me to the bone, that he was having difficulty finding a “Happy Holidays” sign in Sydney.

Christmas, he said, causes terrible offence to our non-Christian brothers and sisters and therefore all references to the birth of Jesus must be evaporated.

I pitched camp on the side that once you remove all vestiges of the host culture a vacuum is created, which is henceforth filled, by another that doesn’t cringe at its own traditions.

We back and forthed, both making up facts and including anecdotes that didn’t happen, until I stormed off (briefly).

I ain’t one for believing in omnipotent gods, but Christmas, in my experience, is a rewarding time of the year, even if television programming suffers. To cast it aside is the first step in the crumbling of what is, mostly, a kind and just society, and least in comparison to many others around the world.

But young men know only lions get respect. If I was twenty, I might’ve heard the call to become a hero of the caliphate too.

Therefore, it doesn’t surprise me when I hear of young men taking up, with romantic zeal, the cudgel for ISIS, that dynamic offshoot of Al-Qaeda.

Let’s catalogue the  benefits of an ISIS membership: you get to shoot machine guns with real bullets at real people. You’re encouraged to take multiple wives. You may take a battery of sex slaves, by force if necessary, if you’re the sort whose cock could drill holes in concrete. Every thought, meanwhile, is taken care of via an ultra-orthodox interpretation of the Koran.

Two years ago, the Australian doctor Tareq Kamleh, who trades under the Jihad name Abu Youssef al-Australi, whistled into Syria to join ISIS.

“It was a decision I was very, very happy I made,” he said at the time. Tareq also said any muslim who didn’t take up arms had “no self-respect.”

Yesterday, it was reported that the former surfer’s diary had been found by a former currency trader, who uses the pseudonym Macer Gifford, and who’d fought for the Kurds against ISIS.

As reported by Fairfax newspapers,

“(Kamleh) had an ‘obsession with vitamin pills’ and had many bottles for various purposes. Mr Gifford concluded the doctor was ‘an American Psycho-type man’, referring to the preening, charismatic but psychopathic book and film character.

“Former colleagues and acquaintances of Dr Kamleh’s have previously described him as charming but manipulative and sexually predatory.

“There was a meticulousness, an obsession with his health … He had a workout schedule of how many press-ups he was going to do. Just a neat, intelligent but slightly psychopathic character is what came across in his possessions.”

‘I don’t think he was a particularly happy character … He didn’t seem to be getting on with people there very much,’ Mr Gifford said.

Odd, but not surprising, story, yes?

Mystical worship and deep, fathomless submission only gets you so far.

Reality bites.

Now: what bad career choices have you made?

Let me start. I once spent two hundred thousand dollars on a water taxi business.

When that sank, not literally, but close when a ferry belted into the side, I poured fifty into an online surfing website.


Pandora’s Box: Is river surfing surfing?

Our brave new world scares me!

Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch has really thrown my whole world off kilter. I think about it every day, pondering its broader meaning, wondering how it will change our future, examining each new clip to see if each new invited star surfs it better/differently than the stars that preceded him or her. Like, did you see Shane Dorian’s latest? I think his is the best yet but do  you think this is peak pool performance right here? PPP?

Tell me this wave of Shane Dorian at the Ranch don't leave you gasping like a fish! @kswaveco @shanedorian

A post shared by Beach Grit (@beach_grit) on

Also is river surfing now surfing? It all used to be so easy to define. Surfing was done in the ocean. Everything else was funny and maybe fun but not surfing.

But now we have surfing 100 miles from the beach and does this mean it’s all surfing? One big weird tent featuring this:

And this:

And even this:

Please tell me no. But also please tell me how I can continue to exclude everyone. Give me the secret to opening Pandora’s Box and shoving Zach Weisberg (pictured) back in.