Trump: “I want all sharks to die!”

"I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks."

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, as the saying goes, and today Donald J. Trump became a friend to surfers everywhere. Pillow talk between the 45th President of the United States and his alleged adult actress lover, Stormy Daniels aka Stephanie Clifford, was revealed just moments ago and let’s not waste any more time gabbing. Let’s get straight to one-time magazine Newsweek’s accounting.

President Donald Trump is ‘terrified’ of sharks and hopes they all die, according to adult film actress, Stormy Daniels.

Daniels discussed Trump’s odd fascination with sharks in an InTouch interview conducted in 2011 and released in full on Friday. Daniels has claimed that she had an affair with Trump in 2006.

In the interview, the porn star claimed that during one of her dinners with him at his Beverly Hills Hotel in Los Angeles in July 2006, the TV in the background was playing an episode from the popular television event, Shark Week.

“You could see the television from the little dining room table and he was watching Shark Week and he was watching a special about the U.S.S. something and it sank and it was like the worst shark attack in history. He is obsessed with sharks. Terrified of sharks,” said Daniels.

The adult film actress added that Trump was “riveted” and “obsessed” with the show, despite his fear of them.

“He was like, ‘I donate to all these charities and I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks. I hope all the sharks die.’ He was like riveted. He was like obsessed. It’s so strange, I know,” she said.

But is it really so strange? I don’t think so. I think Donald J. Trump is, as of today, an honorary surfer. All 329 pounds of him.

10 (More) Things I’ll teach My Kid About Surf

Love old men. Fall off waves. Worship at Andy Irons' throne.

A couple of years back I threw a ten-pack of advice on what to teach your kids about surf. The usual stuff, why the death penalty shouldn’t be applied to longboarders no matter how sensible it would be, and so on.

You got kids? Here’s another ten things to tell ‘em.

1. Lay off the fish: You’ll get lazy at some point, kiddo, or there’ll be a run of bad waves for a month and you’ll want a surfboard that picks up a ripple and eats sections. Something wider. Flatter. Thicker. Don’t. You might never come back. Oh, you’ll feel… fabulous… surfing has never been this easy. But when has anything good come without the blood, sweat and pus of trying until you want to puke?

2. Download that GoPro footage: There’s gotta be a thousand years of unclaimed footage sitting around on kids’ GoPros. Get into the habit of downloading it, cutting the clips and sending ’em off somewhere like the Hurley Surf Club. In an act of benevolence from an industry owned, mostly, by French luxury brands and investment bankers, Hurley’ll get your clips, rate ‘em, offer suggestions on how to get better and do it all for free. (And no, that wasn’t native advertising.)

3. You’ll never a man like Kelly Slater in your lifetime: Oh, I know… I know… to you he seems like a silly old man, the way he bites back to nobodies on his Instagram. Throw a line out there, say his clothing isn’t organic or suggest that the earth is a pancake and you’ll haul him in. But, listen: that same screen jockey…made… pro surfing. And for twenty years there wasn’t a man who could touch him.

Oh, wait, there was. Andy Irons.

4. There’ll never be another Andy Irons either. In the great Andy v Kelly rivalry at the turn of the century picking who the good and bad guys were was impossible. Superficially, Kelly was the modest hero. Statues were build of him in his hometown. Magazines competed to see how often they could use the word modest in their profiles. Andy was the trainwreck who’d celebrate a contest win, and a loss if you want to know, by throwing his beak onto the grindstone. A closer examination of their motivations, however, would reveal Kelly as Machiavellian, Andy as terrifyingly honest. The performance level of both surfers, in the sort of waves that matter, is only now, almost twenty years on, being scratched by John John.

5. Learn to skate. Nail ollies, grinds, shuv-its and spins and apply to your surf. And then quit before you break and distort your limbs. Forty-year-old skaters are scarecrow horror shows.

6. Join a club. Local competition sharpens your game and it does it in a way where you don’t feel like you’re going to faint from the pressure. Maybe you’ll like being told to perform in fifteen-minute bursts, maybe it’ll repel you. Whatever happens, you’ll surf better.

7. It’s cool to try: I love watching a kid try the same move over and over for weeks. Blows wave after wave. The frustration kills him. And then one day he lands a monster air-rev or whatever. And suddenly he’s better than most of the guys in the lineup.

8. You can’t fight a SUP: You’re not going to out-paddle one and you’re not going to win a collision with a clown erect on his boat. So move down the beach if you think you’ll lose your mind watching him catch and blow every set.

9. Respect the better older surfers: Hoot ‘em. Tell ‘em if you enjoyed the line they took into a roundhouse. It never happens so you’ll be repaid in waves, in advice, protection, whatever you want.

10. Be kind to kooks: Nothing is more repellant than a pampered jock surf kid railing at beginners as if he was born with a frontside wrap and backside reverse.

Miracle: Technology saves the youth!

Introducing Little Ripper!

Are you an accidental luddite like me? Oh how technology gets me all hot under the collar. Almost Ashton Goggans level hot under the collar. It drives me crazy when my phone/computer don’t intuit exactly what I need and respond instantly. I know it is silly. I know it is all my fault, my non-binary brain stuck in a bourbon bog, but I still blame the tech and internally threaten to burn Silicon Valley to the ground.

But did you know that technology does good things? Even technology that is essentially annoying like drones?

It’s true! And should we turn our eyes to the New York Post?

The world’s first water rescue-by-drone happened Thursday in Australia, when a machine saved the lives of two teenage boys caught in dangerous surf off the eastern coast of the continent, reports said.

The new drone — called the Little Ripper — dropped an inflatable rescue pod to the boys, allowing them to make it to shore three times faster than a normal rescue, the BBC reported.

“It took only 70 seconds from when the Little Ripper drone was launched to when it dropped the pod into the ocean for the rescue, a task that would usually take a lifeguard up to six minutes to complete,” Ben Franklin, Parliamentary Secretary for Northern New South Wales, told The Sydney Morning Herald.

The Little Ripper… I don’t know that I’ve ever read a better name for anything.

And let us go back to the Great Jaws Debate of ’18. Remember that Albee Layer pointed out the dangers of water safety when all the skis have photographers and are trying to get clips instead of rescuing drowning surfers?

Well wouldn’t the Little Ripper instantaneously solve this problem?


Hello nineties!

Fashion: Puka shells are back!

And Teva-like sandals!

You are, no doubt, a student of surf culture and all its various intricacies. You know the ebbs and the flows. That sometimes quads are very in and sometimes thrusters are very in and every once in a while twinnies are kind of in. But did you know the ebbs and flows apply to surf fashion as well? Did you know that late-1990s surf trends like puka shell necklaces and canvas sandals, which washed out to sea more than a decade ago, are back in?

It’s true!

The famed French fashion house Louis Vuitton is pouring its resources into a surf-themed  roadshow and let’s read a little from Condé Nast.

For Louis Vuitton’s Spring/Summer 2018 collection, menswear artistic director Kim Jones looked to the beach for inspiration, putting together a tropical surf- and skate-culture-inspired line of gauzy floral print shirts, denim bucket hats, pukka shell necklaces, and Teva-esque sandals. What better way to celebrate the launch, then, than to pack it all into a VW van—the ultimate symbol  of a life spent chasing the next set of waves—and hit the road?

The retro-style van, complete with a floral paint job and an array of custom bumper stickers, will be popping up in front of Louis Vuitton locations in the Miami Design District from January 10th-22nd, on Los Angeles’s Rodeo Drive from January 26th-February 5th, and at the Ala Moana shopping complex in Honolulu from February 15th-22nd. In addition to a selection of runway favorites, the van is stocked with technicolor Hawaiian shirts, special editions of the brand’s signature monogram totes half-dipped in cobalt blue, and surfboards emblazoned with an all-over interlocking palm tree print—all of it exclusive to the van.

Is the VW van really the ultimate symbol of a life spent chasing the next set of waves? I always thought pterygiums were to be honest but no matter and why are you still reading? Why aren’t you out in your garage digging through old clothing boxes and getting cool again?

Jaws: The Ethics of Board Transfers!

Could a skimboard decapitate a man? What about a Wavestorm?

The Jaws Sessions, as they have come to be called, are reaching legendary status in our surf world. January 13th and 14th saw some of the biggest ever surf at Maui’s iconic spot and the lineup was filmed with all manner of surfer, towed surfer, photographer, ski driver, etc. Albee Layer weighed wrote about the madness and thrill on his Instagram account.

The water safety thing is ridiculous. The fact photographers are willing to give more money for a photo than surfers for their safety is ridiculous. We need to find a way to put surfers in contact with water safety and maybe a gofundme site or something so they can’t be bought out by photographers. There are a lot of great water safety teams here, but after years of saving random people for no reason it makes sense they would rather hang in the channel making $600 cruising around with a photog. Lets work together to fix this because it puts everyone in danger including those of us who hire water safety. With a wall of skis trying to get the shot waking up the inside and getting in the way.

It sure does sound very chaotic with many moving parts, people things and you can watch this fine compilation from Surfer magazine, paying special attention to the 2:40 mark.

And was that a transfer to skimboard? It most certainly was.

Firstly, I must say, whoever did is a very brave man.

Secondly, with board transfers being all the rage I am curious as to the etiquette. You’ll notice his Wavestorm goes flying out the back which is, I assume, the best possible scenario but what if it accidentally catches the wave too? Is that bad form sending a foam missile through the crowd? Are you supposed to have a dedicated Wavestorm clean-up man who fetches it or are they single use? Have you ever been hit in the face with a Wavestorm? Did it hurt or did it feel like a pillow fight?

Also, you’ll notice the brave man becomes dislodged and his little disc skitters away. Could a skimboard take a man’s head off?

I’ll get to the bottom of these questions soon. In the meantime, off to Davos.