Twenty-one scored totals under 10. At clean six-foot Keramas.
I spent the day watching the opening day of Keramas taking notes, toggling desperately between tabs to try and get a fix of giant Cloudbreak, which was falling out of the heavens.
The few clips I saw of perfect 20-foot glacial blue tubes lit me up like a junkie with a spike in the vein.
Keramas, not so much.
Still, the best live surfing I’ve ever seen was the Volcom Guerilla Freesurf session after the pros capitulated. It seemed Volcom would sponsor Fiji until the crack of doom after those epic years. But they fled, leaving Ziff to pick up the tab, and then Kelly, who inked a three-year deal and reneged after one, blaming the Fijian government.
Such is life.
A little problem presented itself almost straight away at Keramas. A nagging one, which a very smart commenter named Toin Coss inadvertently put his finger on a couple of stories back. He called it the naturalistic fallacy, the tendency to confuse what is with what ought to be.
I reframe slightly to credit the source, that turgid Scottish cunt David Hume (kidding: he was a great laugh, apparently). Hume named the is/ought problem after the tendency to determine what ought to be, from what is. The WSL gives it to us arse about. We can all plainly see what is, but they tell us what ought to be.
Joe and Pottz ran themselves ragged this morning telling us how Keramas was the highest performance wave on Tour now (false), how we were going to be blessed by a blitzkrieg of surfboards raining down from the high heavens, an aerial bonanza, a shredfest of greco-roman proportions. A radical sceptic like Hume would have drop-kicked the computer off a high building.
Italo got the best shack of the first heat, but gave away priority and Parko sneaked through with a ten-point total. Owen dialled in two bombs waiting patiently, a strategy John Florence admitted he cribbed for the following heat.
Rosie had dialed up the is/ought fiasco by claiming John, at the halfway mark without a wave ridden was “looking fantastic”. He did look good later with a coupe of slick tube-rides, but is he back?
Not to be outdone, Pottz claimed a little later that “all these guys, in my eyes, have the ability to win a World Title (false). Maybe five guys in a year, maybe three.
Did you notice the narrative change in the most subtle but delightful way when Kieren Perrow, with images starting to dribble in of Kelly spearing giant Cloudbreak, attributed Kell”s absence, not to injury but to the fact he “can’t compete at the very high level he wants to”. I appreciated that. The injury line was starting to really throw sand in my gears.
Heat four saw Mikey Wright come out snarling and swinging like a wild animal. Unfortunately he picked the thick waves that filled up on the reef, not the bulbous mid-range waves that stayed open. He buckled a board, he couldn’t get a score. I still see the Weet-Bix-kid-Mikey I used to surf with as a grom, which is unfair. People grow up, they change. Strider was enthused at “how well he’s put together the rig.” Filipe was average and Connor snuck through with another 10-point heat total.
With the promised high-performance bonanza starting to slip away the is/ought dilemma had to be jammed into Ronnie’s back pocket for the next heat with Gabe. Maybe it fell down the crack in the couch with all the loose change. Parko was in the booth. He was fantastic. Who woulda thought he was so fantastic as a story-teller. He raised some important issues.
- The wave is hard to turn on.
- The seawall built to retrain the river-mouth may have negatively impacted the wave and
- Gabe Medina has under-performed since 2014.
A weird, wonky heat ensued. No waves came. With a 9.45 remaining Gabe had no scores. Finally he picked a couple of scraps and tore them to pieces. The winning total: 5.60.
I do not kid.
Julian’s preparation was revealing. He had no preparation. Just head home and hang with the Mum and bub and leave the sled in the covers. It worked. He rode the throatiest bomb of the morning beautifully, perfectly for an easy win against C O’leary and Indonesian wildcard Oney Anwar.
By this stage, with J-Flo in the water I had to reflect on Chas’ Olympic story with its allusions to dangerous and damaging techniques. Keramas demands a certain line. The deep tube to the deep, deep cutback back up into the bowl. It’s a turn that demands strength and maybe good board design. Watching pro’s fail to penetrate the rail was dispiriting. Seven heats in and there had been two proper turns. J-Flo did one of them, JJF the other.
But with strength so lacking and at such a premium surely pro’s must avail themselves of “dangerous and damaging techniques”?
Jordy attacks!
Finally, what ought to be arrived on stage. Jordy hacked and gouged away and threw tail on the boiling inside section. When Jordy attacks people are happy. The crowd roused. Judges lowballed him, maybe an ongoing punishment for the safety surfing sins of events past? He looked imperious.
It was a shame the is/ought propaganda had been shelved by heat nine. Pottz had lost steam and was in full “ a win is a win” territory.
Colapinto had other ideas. He effortlessly bested Jesse Mendes in an aggressive paddle battle then started throwing it into the sky. He was the best, maybe the only true hi-fi surfing of the day. In the presser, he made intentions clear. He’d been waiting all year for sections like that and he was glad the judges only gave him an 8.5 because there was room to grow.
They called it off after heat 11, with the trade-wind tearing strips off it and even Ronnie felt emboldened to call it slop.
Thirty-three surfers surfed 11 heats. Three scored heat totals over 15.
Twenty-one scored totals under 10. In clean albeit wonky six-foot Keramas.
Just the facts. Just what is.
Corona Bali Protected Men’s Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 10.37, Italo Ferreira (BRA) 10.10, Keanu Asing (HAW) 7.17
Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) 14.17, Michael February (ZAF) 9.74, Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 9.57
Heat 3: John John Florence (HAW) 15.17, Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 8.00, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 4.16
Heat 4: Conner Coffin (USA) 10.94, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 9.46, Mikey Wright (AUS) 5.84
Heat 5: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 5.60, Barron Mamiya (HAW) 2.97, Tomas Hermes (BRA) 2.07
Heat 6: Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.50, Connor O’Leary (AUS) 6.44, Oney Anwar (IDN) 6.27
Heat 7: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 8.77, Kolohe Andino (USA) 8.66, Ian Gouveia (BRA) 2.73
Heat 8: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.10, Joan Duru (FRA) 13.04, Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 8.33
Heat 9: Griffin Colapinto (USA) 15.07, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 10.83, Jesse Mendes (BRA) 10.40
Heat 10: Michel Bourez (PYF) 12.16, Patrick Gudauskas (USA) 8.57, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 5.67
Heat 11: Willian Cardoso (BRA) 7.84, Frederico Morais (PRT) 6.44, Wade Carmichael (AUS) 4.83
Corona Bali Protected Remaining Matchups:
Heat 12: Adriano de Souza (BRA), Sebastian Zietz (HAW), Yago Dora (BRA)
I like Micheal February’s swagger, disclaimer – I’m a pisces.
Appreciate it LT.
Gotta agree about lack of rail after coming out of the barrel, the boards looked wrong for some of the younguns or they were Quads and tracked as they do if ya not owning them
Great… more David Hume bullshit.
Once again, bad luck for Duru. The guy has the fourth highest total score, but was against Jordy Smith. It was close, Jordy Smith won the heat but as a goofyfooter, Duru deserved the win in quite any other heat.
Has Sophie gone media shy or had facial surgery? Every time they crossed to her in the water she had her back to the camera/drone/beach. Maybe she was pissed at not being allowed to use Strawberry’s blue board?
Rosie? Yes, I wondered about that too.
Rosie-of course- yes Rosie! Thats what happens when the excitement of of being entertained by “the best in the business” at the “bestest high performance wave on the planet” leaves you a puddle of spent adrenaline on the floor. I better stay away from that Fiji thing!
JJF killed it!
watch the anal yzer and look how underscored he was. Its absurd, no one else can pull in so deep.
I wonder if Kelly found the balls to paddle out this time at Cloudbreak.
The so called GOAT wimped out last time and stayed on the beach.
an actual link to something intelligent. im impressed!
I’m real new to this. Why does everyone think Kelly is stupid?? hahah
Further ’89WCMP™ translations;
“That was Smart Surfing™”- the surfer has just completed a wave in the most rudimentary and boring manner in order to progress through to the next round.
“That’s right, Joe” – thanks for tonguing my arse Joe, feel free to do it again.
sometimes i wonder about those two.
Speed, power and flow with ya tongue Joe.
Longtom, you make me feel smart. I heard the commentators say something like “this is one of the most high performance waves in the world!” and I was like “wtf?” are these guys smoking? I had no idea I was channeling David Hume.
Let’s pretend Kelly worked in an office licking stamps. Called the boss and said, “Can’t come in boss, I have a sore tongue”. Later that day, the boss sees video of Kelly licking some poontang on the Internet. His tongue looked fine, deployed with tremendous dexterity and vigour. What must Kelly’s bosses be thinking?
That the stamps aren’t pussy? Is this a rhetorical question?
I have no idea.
It’s funny so doesn’t matter. My mate fell out of a tree last night..also funny.
I hope he didn’t hurt his tongue or pussy.
Haaa!
Hey may lick the goods for fun as he pleases, but fears poor performance in the office will knock him off “employee of the month”.
“Never Try – Never Fail”
That there is a huge difference between professionnally licking stamps from 9 to 5 and lovingly please a lady in the evening. By the way, the use of the word “dexterity” implies Slater is not only using his tongue but also his hand, and he’ll be able to explain to his boss how different it his from simply licking stamps.
Even an british licking the queen’s back in order to send his mail wouldn’t use his fingers. And we all know how much those people love their queen.
I think your analogy is not valid.
I take offence, sir! The use of one’s fingers when orally pleasuring a lady is implied and lifts the act from the mundane to the extraordinary.
I partially agree with you. The hand-free could be an option, a way to prove, not your dexterity, but your “lingual ability”… And don’t forget that both your hands can be in use during the action, either on your partner, your phone, the wheel of your car or the trigger of your gun (if you’re a NRA member).
In all those instances, Slater’s imaginary boss wouldn’t be able to complain. I rest my case.
Longtom? tick.
Pro surfing? tick
Kelly legitimately taking the comp off to surf pumping Cloudy? tick.
Today was a good day.
Gallo Pinto got game.
*gluedick
I watched it until the missus made me sort out her problems and try download some movie for the kids to watch. Took me a fucken hour! and I missed a few heats. Deflated I turned the contest off opened the front door to see if the surf looked any good… It wasnt. Did some chores. Sigh…
Gotta be quick with the east coast in the dry season. The trades don’t don’t wait for no fool.
Anyone got photos of the Bukit from today?
Whoooowhee!!!
Looking pretty hollow!!!
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
😂😆
This is art.
Down here in France, we had the replay early in the morning, I hoped it would help before going to surf. It didn’t. I went surfing nevertheless, and waves were shit, low tide included. I went back and get slightly drunk. Did any pro surfer in Bali get drunk after this first day?
I thought it looked real tricky as the onshore kicked in. Wilko’s performance seemed to highlight how très difficile Keramas must be on your backhand. So much for the perfect Indo narrative and Pottz expectation of rodeo flips.
And the traffic was a pain in the arse , im sticking to the otherside unless it turns epic.
Or stay at Kommune. Take a wellness package.
I didn’t watch a heat, but like a true keyboard warrior I’ve got plenty to say about it.
Open your thigh gates!
same
Thought Michel Bourez looked great at onshore Haleiwa/Keramas.
yes he did.
I didn’t watch him but I’ve no doubt you are correct.
Do you think MIchel’s timing is slightly off?
Possibly experience and wave choice ,but in my humble opinion ,I thought he made it look simple like he does in Hawaii.
I agree only highlights for me were JJF, Jordy, Griff, Julian and Cloudbreak.
Must hurt the WSL knowing that if the Fiji Pro was on they would of been scoring all week.
Keramas is the most high performance wave in tour I still believe. Just too big early this morning for airs, then lully as expected.
Tomorrow should be good. Pity we have to watch the worst surfers on tour though.
This is exactly why you can’t throw the towel in when Kelly does.
Great stuff LT !