Hint: busted foot, owns a pool, first name Robert…
Last night, shortly after officially withdrawing from the Corona Bali Protected at Keramas, Kelly Slater boarded a flight to Fiji to collide with waves Surfline says “will rival, and potentially surpass, some of the most memorable swells for Fiji.”
Do you remember six years ago at the Volcom Pro when the tour turned sissy, locked her thigh gates and cancelled the Fiji event?
Bigger than that maybe.
Read Ashton Goggans’ account here.
Right about now, some readers will be finger stroking their foreheads.
Kelly can’t surf Keramas, can surf riotous Cloudbreak?
Well… yes.
Does anyone remember the magic of Kelly Slater, Tahiti, 2003, when he stole the world title lead from Andy Irons by winning Teahupoo with a busted foot?
Ain’t that hard to take off and pull in with a busted boot, Kelly said at the time.
Forcing your heels through the board on frontside hacks and all the pushing and yanking of airs is a little harder.
And, therefore, with Cymatic packed (editor’s note: The writer Longtom is currently testing the new model at Lennox Head and beyond, report next week) and a stash of rhino chasers at Tavarua, Kelly Slater will wake up to a warrior Sunday morning and take his ruined body off to do battle.
Here, Kelly commentates John John during the 2012 swell.
More as it comes, I suppose.
This is Ke11y telling the WSL to fuck off after failing to come through with the 3-year Outerknown Cloudbreak Dance Pro. I also think Ke11y is feeling more isolated by the core since the Founders Cup….surfers are a sensitive bunch.
In classic Kelly style Ramon got the wave of the day (better than his 2012 effort?) and Kelly was right there to be the first one to hug him.
Lets hope kelly goes hard this time. Pussed out last swell. Would love to see what he could do in those waves
I’m going with Lane, The Kid, Judy Dench, Thumb, Puffs, and Meese.
If I was Kelly, I would go to Fiji too.
Hell, I would go as myself but I have to work this weekend, my boards are to puny , and I would certainly drown.
But Kelly should go.
id go too, but im toofattosurf…
multiple upvotes .
At which point does the WSL end this charade? Kelly’s foot is fucking fine, the same cannot be said for the paper thin credibility of the wsl’s braintrust. Philosophy 101- naturalistic fallacy, the tendency to confuse what is with what ought to be.
I’m a wretched old fuck, but I’d so relish KS getting called out.
If he doesn’t requalify they should just not give him the injury wildcard spot on tour. If he wants back on, go hit the QS or win qualifiers to get into the CT events. Would be interesting to see him try to get back onto tour.
Mmmh, not sure for the man of the peeps thing. There are 20 or so business seats in a Fiji airways airbus, and on a short notice, I guess you can’t book one (or two) easily…
I clicked on the Ashton link and saw… No Comments! So I left one.
I’ve jumped in too. Hope you don’t mind.
Back To The Future! Nice seeing you.
Cheers! Still no hover boards up this end, dammit.
Tommy is going to entertain in the evenings
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Tom certainly was a hard man . Long live the slap up sessions as the fibros took on the silvertails.
Man of the people?? Cmon Derek.
He’s flying coach cause he is a massive tight wad and didn’t want to pay the extra $500 for business class.
Bit like calling Rupert Murdoch a popular paper boy.
He is going to get so fucking barrelled! And us nameless/faceless keyboard warriors will tuck ourselves in bed tomorrow night and wish we were just a bit more like Kelly. Well, but with hair, a less cunty personality and without his business and personal life woes.
I’m cool with not having much hair actually.
Would love the barrels though.
I can imagine Kojak with hair but I can’t imagine Elvis without it. Neither got barrelled off their dirty pumpkins however. Suckers.
Telly Savalas would have been an awesome surf legend; gold chain, cigar lit, budgie smugglers and lithesome doe-eyed lady in his arms as he sang from a upholstered 12’ log at outside Sunset.
Fuck yeah. That’s how I actually imagined Peter Cole. Amiriiiiiight?
I think we need to work on some ‘evidence’ to ensure that Telly is recognised as the incredible underground surfing stud that he ‘was.’
Telly and Kelly – The Mini Golf Series. Pity TS died before we talked, cause this would have flown. In other breaking surf news, I have a strong feeling someone is going to die at Cloudbreak. We’re due.
Time for a ‘dead pool?’
Maybe ‘they’ could do the hologram thing for the golf like those MJ or Tupac ‘performances.’
We hate him cause we aint him.
Not so sure. His main problem is he hasn’t got any real mates to tap him on the forehead and say, “Settle down dickhead”. And he dates teenagers.
Parlay that on Kelly getting a golf magazine cover from Edwin Morales’ IG photo. Zoom in on that shiney spot above Kelly’s ear. Is that not a golf flagstick?
Yussssss
Maybe Kelly can call this weekend “ The outerknown Corona Bali No go pro swell”( ps I refuse to use the term strike mission which sounds like something that should be at home and stay at home in Stars and Stripes.)
I woulda thought Kelly could fly around in a private hire jet with lux-elite pals.
Also, the cymatic is an avant garde high performance machine. Was waiting for those two words to be seen in descriptors for boards.
I read that and a bit of puke materialised in my mouth.
Could we nominate a Dada / Surrealist board to counter-shock the avant garde?
The fountain ( a urinal ) by Marcel Duchamp?Celebrating its 101st anniversary this year.Or Dali’s “The Great Masturbator” my personal preference.
I love Manzoni’s work like : producing cans of his own excrement (‘shit of an artist’) or the time he built a false floor in a gallery and was underneath it for 3 days masturbating loudly while the public walked around above.
Now… how I can I take those concepts and make them work in a surfboard?
…
HEY BENADICK!!! Come over here! I got some surfboard shaping ideas to talk to about!
Well most shapers are talented bullshit artists ( eg . 2weeks = 2 months ) so why not talented shit artists ? Thanks for making me laugh thinking of the artist Manzoni chuckling as he placed gently a little precious part of himself in each can .
Manzoni is the obvious inspiration behind Hayden Shapes… The wanking bit mostly, but the faeces bit is certainly on point
I think you’ll find most of those conceptual elements designed into fire wires and any other mass produced popouts.
Yeah! Call it the Snow Shovel. When you stand up on it, it belts out tuneless discordant piano and only moves sideways.
Tom Lowe?
Is Kelly gonna show up an steal the show or turn up see it’s huge an says his foots sore?
Kelly’s gonna be pissed when he realises I swapped out his boards for my broken ones after my last trip to the Tav
Florence, Kemper, Gudang
Maybe Dosland?
The trip to Fiji has nothing to do with Kelly’s foot but has been recommended by his psychologist as “medicine” to help him deal with his current mental issues. I have no evidence to support these confirmed facts which were actually once theories but of course are now facts.
Upvote
Works for me!
Rumor has it that shortly after take-off Kelly coached the flight attendants into providing him two small tubs to soak his feet. He pulled two plastic protected bottles labeled “Ranch Tub Spring Water”. He poured that water into the tubs and proceeded to soak his feet. Half-way through the flight, Kelly again coached the flight attendants on retrieving two Fiji Spring Waters for him. He returned the Ranch Water to their original bottles murmuring something about no one gets Willy’s Water except Willy. He then filled the tubs with the Fiji Spring Water and coached his feet back into the tubs for more soak. Upon arrival Kelly left the tubs as they were. Murmured something about how he sees the best in feet and the worst in feet.
I also heard this rumour which now means it is factually based. Rumour (fact) also has it that Kelly was wearing a magical power band on the flight over which has, unsurprisingly, healed his foot completely.
I feel bad doing this, but facts are facts. It was a toe ring magical power band-ish thingamajig. Sized for that skinny culprit living next door to his big toe*.
*the fact, which is rumor, or maybe rumour, either way let’s from this break in the clouds day so frothy forward call these CataKellysms. The CataKellysmic whisper on the street is Kelly actually had his thumb and big toe swapped. When he said no compete till I feel legeeeete, he meant that feel part a lot.